Blessing in disguise

At this point, I think I'm pretty clear and compose with my life despite the worry of not having any job to pay my bills for next few months. Looking for jobs are something that actionable so I guess it's matter of time. I need to patiently wait and hope that something good will pop up eventually. So far I have attended 2 interviews which were not successful. Sometimes I just don't get what went wrong, but I think I can sense what they were. Some post I applied were lower than my last position and even though I'm ok to lower my expected pay, but it's still at their higher end budget. Well, it's fine. I haven't gone through interview sessions for long time anyway. Usually I was the interviewer, so it was another learning experience for me to be sitting on other side of the chair. I have another 2 interviews next week, but I need to sit for test prior to that. Fuh, it's been a while amik test nih. Tatau la pass ke tak. Mak cuba je lah! Kalau tak dapat, cuba yang lain.

Initially, I got frustrated and demotivated when those interviews were unsuccessful. Then I realized it's actually the part of me that can't accept any rejection from one after another and not knowing the exact reason. Similar to my relationships, being abandon without any closure and it's happening at same period. It hits me that life is teaching me hard and is telling me something. Why is it the thing that I need most at this time are drifting apart from me? I kept thinking what it is that life wants me to learn? I'm not sure yet, but having this composure facing all these challenges is part of the learning process, and I like it. I feel wiser.

I don't have any regrets to what had happened to me. I see it all coming because I plan for it consciously and subconsciously and somehow expected the outcome, because sometime it's kind inevitable anyway. Sometimes I can sense that the universe understands me well, that all the path and words I said seems to fall into its places on a perfect timing to create another wonderful chapter of my life story be it good or bad. Waiting how the chapter of the story ends excites me.

There were nights before I went to sleep, I talk. I'm not sure to whom I talk to, is it to God or Universe or myself, I'm not sure. What's for sure is that, I thanked to all of them, to God and to all the particles in between this space and time in this Universe, for being there for me when I'm all alone. I'm blessed for happiness that I'm having right now and I thankful for all those good people that come into my life to support me. All of them. I'm blessed for this wonderful life and I wish the same for all that have been good to me. With all my heart. I talk and I smile. It soothes and calm to hear my own voice vibrates to each part of my body and nerves. It's a session for me to understand me at another level.

Every morning I woke up, I looked outside my window and smile to those tress greeting me in the morning and whispered - thank you. I can't help it. It's just wonderful to connect to nature and everything around you. You see, when you're staying alone and know that you're on your own with no one you can depend on, your sense of awareness to the raw being around your heighten. You only have your senses to guide you and to help make sense to you when in need. You begin to listen to  trust only yourself because that's all you got. Your physical embodiment that connects to your inner self. You respect your inner self because they gives you strength, patience, awareness and calmness when you're left alone with your own being. You begin to feel indebted for all the joy it provides that it's a total betrayal not to be truthful and true to yourself, because your inner self knows, no matter what shit you're trying to lie. I try as much as possible to be true to myself because if I didn't, I feel like I'm poisoning the growth and a whole universe inside me.

I know life always have issues but you can't let those issues clouded the other wonderful things that are happening around you. It's hard but I try to be fair to life that has given me so much blessing which sometimes I overlooked and take for granted. I'm sorry. And for that I forgive those that have hurt me badly without their intention to do so but due to circumstances. 

I forgive them and let go, so I can find peace in me and they can find theirs. Life has been  good to me and I can't be selfish.

Jobless and dumped

It's been 2 months now since I've lost my job. Miserable? Yes! Feeling out of control and all fucked up? Totally! Getting into state of depression? Yes! On and off! There were days I just sit or lay on bed or couch, watching back to back Netflix episodes or just staring outside of my window. I didn't go out except to throw out garbage just because I can't bare the thought that insects may call it their home too. I didn't bathe until I stink and I don't feel like talking to anyone, not even my best friend. I find my group chats lame and annoying and I hate it very much. I feel like I want to leave all chat groups and even think of leaving the country. Leave everything else and just run from everyone. Sometimes at night, I cried so hard I felt like my lung gonna explode. I cried until I have no voice and my mouth dried or until I fall asleep with tears soaking my pillow. It's a double fucked up when I lost my job and love of my life. I just feel so tired and hopeless.

Those that knew were giving hope and trying to sound positive about it. Well, I do appreciate their concern, but I'm a person who doesn't believe merely words until it's proven. I know they're being nice, but I don't really need that. I don't like being sympathized and seen weak. Sounds arrogant but I'm not. Those sweet talks were a bit useless for me because I don't want to be diverted from the reality that I've lost my job and I need to find one. Above all, I don't want to worry them with my issues coz they all have their own issues too. I can handle this, and so I thought.

The fact that I need to handle this alone is kinda sad. Sometimes all I need is just someone to ask me how am I doing and really meant it. Someone to hug and tell me that it's gonna be ok, Well, no one asked. It's either they think I'm all ok or don't bother or don't want to know or they have their own issues, so why add more? I never bother about having people ask me if I'm ok or not before, but this time it's really hard for me. Sometimes I just need some validation that someone really care. 

It's sad because in my own misery I'm the one that always ask how they're doing and ended up being their lending ears to all their issues and swallowed mine. I understand that everyone have issues and I know how it feels when no one bother to ask how you're doing. Sometimes I wish someone could do the same to me. For the past 2 months, only 1 person asked me if I'm ok and I almost cried because someone did ask. That's enough for me to know someone sincerely asked. But of course, I replied everything's fine though I so much wanted to pour it all out. But of course, again, it's unfair to unload your misery to others just because they asked. I know I need to get a grip, suck it up and handle this on my own.

But I'm just too tired to do this alone. Besides I think I got dumped for good and need to find my own closure, well same as before. That's the worst thing man can do to me. No closure. They left without words or they just brushed it away when questioned about relationship, They left me with my own thoughts to figure out what the hell happened, wondering what the fuck is this relationship all about. Why do they have to be so selfish for sake of fucks and why can't they grow some balls to be truthful what exactly they want? If you want to have fucks just say it. Don't be such an asshole leading wrong assumptions or giving fake hopes and dreams. It's just cruel and cold. No matter how much you think you're a good person, leaving me hanging and ghosting like I have no soul, is just so cruel. Yes, I can move on but how can you heal the heart that longed and waited for an answer? Why did you do that?

Too much is playing in my head right now and I'm trying hard to divert my mind and keep myself busy even though I'm jobless. Huh! I feel like running away again, but I can't. :(

The 2 precious things

When I ran away from home, which was probably after my 3rd attempt that I've succeeded, I stayed at mom's place. I slept in my brother's room who wasn't married back then, and he slept in the lounge area. It's kinda miserable because I have my stuff in the black garbage plastic bags and some were left in my car boots that I used to commute to work. I didn't want to clutter his room and I feel that I didn't want to settle down at mom's place either. It should be temporary while I figure out what I need to do next. My mind was so messed up with the out of court settlement and negotiations and his harassments through texts and stalking me at work place. It was scary actually. I remember how hard it's for me to keep my head straight and firm not to fall to his tricks and talks again and at same time conceal all those fears and sadness from mom when I'm back at her place. I don't want her to feel worried about me. This is my shit and I will clean it off.

I was having trouble to focus on my work at same time remain professional filtering my emotions out so that my staff didn't know what's happening to my personal life. People talks and I don't need any kind of judgment to add on. So I told my boss, who no longer my boss but we remain friends now, that I was going through a divorce process, stayed at my mom's place and may need time off to settle personal matters during office hours. He looked shocked but emotionless, probably because he's young and not married and don't know how he should react to this kind of news. And the first sentence that spurred out from him "do you need an agent to find you place to rent?". And it's time for me then to get shocked with his response, didn't see that coming. Well, I almost laughed but yes it's a pragmatic and optimistic response I guess. I told him, yes that would help a lot. I think if he didn't ask me that question, I may not get the cue of what I should do next. I called the agent and specified my requirement which were quite simple - studio, end unit so I can get more windows and light in, near my work area which is near to my kids and have security access. On the day that I supposed to meet the agent to view the unit, I felt I need someone that can help to give me second opinion. I usually trust my decision to be right but for this kind of decision I just need someone to point out if it's the otherwise. So I asked one of my staff who is a Thai nationality to come along with me. I know she can be trusted to keep it just between us. Well, she left the company but she still keep in touch with me and become friends too. Funny, come to think of it how people that hardly know me can give impact to my life journey. They give you hope to continue during your tough times. 

So after 3 months staying at mom's place, I moved in to a 400 sqf fully furnished studio apartment. I can basically touch my kitchen bed and toilet in just one spin. And if I fry ikan masin, my bedsheet would have same smell too. I was so excited to have a place of my own. My own small space where I can decorate the way I like it, be alone, have my own peace and quiet time but the most important thing was the control I have to design my life the way I want it to be. 

There were 2 things that gave me joy at that time. One is IKEA and the other is Yoga. Walking through IKEA after work hours was a bliss. I find my peace just by browsing at its catalogues or showroom and its smell. Boy! I love IKEA's smell. IKEA gives me hope, an interpretation of independence and a second chance to start a new life. I take my time to plan and figure furniture that I needed and being a minimalist, the Scandinavian concept seems to fit my style. I don't buy unnecessary things, but that's the beauty - being simple. Ironically, at the café it also teaches you how the majority are ignorant and selfish lot who don't know how to follow simple instruction to put their dish plates at the food tray area. Lagi mau cerita complicated moral issues. Pigidah!

I started Yoga the same month I moved in. I figure I need to divert my mind with some activities after work, otherwise I would just sunk myself at home and cried missing my kids horribly. I did take up ballet classes for a month but I can't seem to find the meaning and connection to it. Then one day, I saw one of my staff changed her office attire and carried a mat and asked her where she's going and the rest was history. I didn't know what yoga is, never did any research about it but I just went with open mind and tried it out and wallah!!.. I find my soul there. It's not only physical but the inner strength in mind and self awareness that I discovered through yoga. It helps to keep me calm and focus. I'm still practicing yoga till today and it's a treasure that I found through this journey. But now since I'm working from home, I'm thinking to join classes near my place that looks cool. My dream is that one day I could do yoga in Ubud, Bali. Yeeehaaa.. but for that I need to prep myself.. kadang bontot malas and Neflix binge is the culprit. Alasan si pemalas! 

Hospital day

My dad is having his bypass operation this morning. Last Saturday and Sunday, my brother, mom and myself spent half a day scouting for big pharmacies around town to buy some medical stuff for the operation preparation. We have one Indian lady who tag along with us to find same items for her husband's operation too. She's from Perak and has no one to help her to source for it. Kesian dia.

We got the list on Friday evening and it's so ridiculous that we also need to decipher the doctor's handwriting and the pressure when 1 item was nowhere to found in any pharmacies. All major pharmacies like in hospitals and IJN operated only during working hours and not on weekend. My daughter asked me why do we need to buy those items, which is quite basic and why the hospital not providing them? That's when my stress and tiredness seeped in and curse the previous government for cutting out the hospitalization budget to pay off for their corrupted wrong doings. I mean if they want us to pay, at least they can order those items from the supplier and charge us later, that would help. But I guess, they just don't have the money to buy it and in end pass that responsibility to the people. Asshole! Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with the hospitals, I'm angry with the previous government. I heard even the doctors have to buy their own surgical gloves. Rubbish!

So after series of races to pharmacies, we left hospital for stepdad to rest. Nothing much to wait since the operation was in 2 days. My bro was driving me and mom back when suddenly mom said "hah boleh la gi tengok rumah Marissa". Boy at that moment my heart jumped with happiness. You see, I've been living on my own for 4 years now and not even once my mom came to my house. Every time I invited her to come, she gave many excuses not to come. We had few argument on why she seems to be avoiding coming to my house. It breaks my heart and hers too. So I decided since then, that I won't even ask her to come anymore. My house is opened to her anytime and it's up to her when she wanna come. I don't want to put pressure on her anymore, because I know she really wanted to come but she's more concern about my stepdad and she's making up those excuses for him. My stepdad and I and even my other siblings had not been in good term few years back since he became religious. He would scold, belittling and say irritating things to us and our kids and because we don't want to be disrespectful, we started to avoid him and consequently not visiting our mother. Because in the end, mom would be the one who need to suffer to hear his grumbling about us. It's not fair for mom and I know she's suffering too. But mom being a loyal and obedient wife, she would submit and swallow everything. She knows and I can't change her for that.

For me, the major reason that I'm here with mom is because she needs me. I do owe my stepdad for helping me out during my divorce but some of his actions were unacceptable to me after he changed to be entirely different person. He used to be so jovial, open minded and we would sit together and discuss and laughed about many things. I listen to his advices and respected him very much for his wisdom. Now, he's totally the opposite, tense and finding faults in every conversations.

God knows how happy I was when mom stepped into my house. I didn't manage to give her tour to the pool area to impress her more coz it's raining and my bro was in rush also. She looked happy and told me " boleh la kita buat makan-makan". I replied her "I always do makan-makan.. mami je yang tak nak datang". Dushh.. and she replied with her default answer "bukan tak nak datang, tapi ada je hal dan masa tak kena". Well, she was referring to their other functions she needs to attend, which for me looks like it's more important than my invite and it's not only one time. Well, I guess I know the real reason behind it, but I still gave her the benefit of doubt. It always occur to me, as a mother didn't she even want to see my place? See if her daughter have a safe and proper place to stay? Didn't she want to know if I'm doing ok? I've never live on my own before and I'm now living alone. Anyway, I'm just happy that she came.

Another weird thing happen since then with my stepdad. When I see him at the hospital, I was just behaving like normal me, coz I don't know how to pretend and create awkwardness. My stepdad seems to be in his jovial self like he used to be. We make politic jokes and laughed again. I was always that person who makes him laugh before. I know how to make classy jokes you know. It feels good to make him at ease again so he can prepare his mind for the surgery.

Mom told me that my stepdad asked her what was it that I was so angry to him before, till I no longer visited them for long time. Well, not a surprised that he asked that question. He's a person that hardly see and assess himself thus found nothing's wrong with him except others. To even ask that question without trying to understand why doesn't make any different. I guess that question just dawned on to him when he's facing matter of life and death before the surgery. I bet he'll be back to his arrogant and "I know all and I'm always right' attitude when he's back in good health. I don't expect much change but as a daughter, I try to make it easier whenever I can for him and mom. 

It has been 4 years

Frankly, I don't know where to start. It's been ages since I came back to this lair and write again. The last time I revisited for a peek was last year, when I shared with D my posts. It wasn't part of my plan but I thought since we're starting a relationship, perhaps he should have some brief of what I had to go through in past.

It touched me that he cried and angry at same time on how I was treated and that this blog should be deleted (well, I didn't). Perhaps, he thought that what's in the past and should be forgotten. In way it's true, but that part of life has made me who I am today. It didn't define me but those journey taught me well. Through those suffering, a better, stronger and wiser me emerged. But that's not all, the most appreciating thing was, he didn't ask me in detail about it, though I think he might have some concerns or questions. I was so glad and relieved because I was afraid that I would need to justify my past doings to make him understand. You know, even remembering any part of it, is very excruciating for me. In fact, he reassured me that it was all in the past and that I should move on and think about my kids and make things better in life. I know all that, but I just need some validation to it and that's exactly what he gave me. I got different reaction when I shared with A and B, something that I didn't expect, but I'll talk about it some other times.

So I read back all my previous posts and it really gets into me. I was overwhelmed with those traumatic years, feeling angry, suffocated, sad and that nauseating sensation kicked in. I tried to skip some posts, because I ended up crying knowing the woman I was once before need to endure those repugnant years. It's like I'm looking from above to a clear vision of me wrapping my naked body, crying under the shower to hide out my tears. I can feel the sharp hurt in my heart all over again. You know, I realize I didn't write some of worst things that had happened to me just because I couldn't bare to even acknowledge that I let it happened and I don't think I ever wanna go there again. If only I can hypnotized myself and go to that specific storage in my brain and permanently delete it. Kann.. well.

So some part of it - the guilt, the stupidity and how worthless and disgusted I felt still resides deep inside. Once in awhile those feelings crept into me even after I have left him for 4 years and living on my own. In early years, I can't help it and I don't know how to suppress it. It just consumed me all over. There were nights that I had nightmares, crying and get into a depressed state because I didn't know how to handle the thoughts that keeps appearing in my head vividly. I wrapped myself so tight because I felt scared and insecure of what's going to happen to me and what I will become. I didn't talk to anyone, just keep it to myself because I can't be seen as vulnerable again and let people judge and take advantage of me. Not only that - I trust no one. It's just so difficult to let anyone near me. Even my closest friend didn't know this piece that I need to deal with. Nothing much she can do and it's a burden for her to know that she can't help much. I know I need to handle it on my own, whatever it takes for me to survive again. I just don't want anyone to see me in that condition. It's shameful to be seen out of control of your own emotion and I had enough to handle that time.

I remember there was one night, I was watching some movie with D on Neflix. Can't recall what was the whole story exactly, but some of the storyline hit that nerve inside me. Suddenly I feel like I can't breathe and feel like vomiting. I tried to hold until the story ended because I didn't want D to notice it. After it ended, I sat inside the toilet and cried quietly. I feel like shit! Shit I was so angry with myself that I can't hold that nerve. I thought I was over it, but apparently it didn't and that was last year. It's been awhile that I had that nauseate feeling and I kept wondering when will it go away and that I should avoid any potential triggers. It's so scary to feel as if you had some kind of mental illness.

I remember that happened many times during the first years with B. Every time after we had sex, I would cry and B would hugged me until I fall asleep. There were a lot of things that's going on my mind after sex. It was mixed feeling actually. I'm not sure how to describe it but perhaps the thoughts if B was having sex with me for who I was. Doubts kept playing in my head that maybe he was just using me for sex, just like what the ex kept on reminding me - men only go after your pussy, the rest are part of the game. And so it created confusion and I got scared, but then B would hugged and reassured me that he's with me and his reassurance made me feel safe again. He didn't ask why I cried and I didn't tell but I assume he probably have some sense of it. Well, after 4 years he never did ask anything that's going in my head and I'm well aware now why he never asked. Boy, what a sad story to an amazing mind.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I will get the trigger again. I really hope it will never ever come to haunt me again because the feeling was horrible.

So much to spill for a 4 years story right. Oh well, I have time now and I have reasons to write again. Nobody reads blogs now anyway. People are so consumed with FB, Twitter, Snapchat and IG and I'm just not into it.. old skool. Life is more real and peaceful! Yahooo!