Kid me not

It has been almost 2 weeks now since school started. Life gets busier yet interesting. Interesting coz kids have grown up and have mind of their own. I love talking and listening to them. They share most of things but kept some secrets too and I know that coz I'm their mother. 

Things went by so fast and I need to remind myself how to brace one day at a time and did it year by year.

My day starts as early as 6.00am. Wake up - cook - bottled my doter - bathe her - bathe me - send her to school - drive to work - work/meetings - drive back home - pick up my doter at babysitter - buy food / cook - bathe kids - bathe me - prepare for dinner - send son to mengaji - pick up his laundry - home - dinner alone - sleep my doter - pick up my son at mengaji - sleep my son - wash dishes -  iron school uniforms - sleep at earliest 12.30 am. And that's the ideal routine for me and most of the working mother, I guess. 

Not to forget, trivial things that could happened in between - woke up late - adik not in good mood - adik nak yakyak - adik don't wanna take bath - cried and throw tantrum not to go school -  ask me to lay beside her while she drink her milk and play with my nipple - and abang play with my hair - stress siotss!! but that's their pacifier - ayam goreng hangit - bad traffic - work stresses - responding to his online messages / texts / drafting cocky story - melayan mamat2 yg sentiasa stim and asik ajak main - nak pikir how to mengelat - tertido while sleeping my doter - pick up abang lambat - long fuckin session - sleep late - can't sleep coz too tired - woke up late. Been maidless for almost 3 years now, not that we never had few of them, but that's another story.

Well..seriously I have no complaint doing all that. It's for them and I love them so much and love doing all that for them. But after you've gone through all that, bombb!! he started to criticize all the things I did. It's just small things that matter to him coz it was never perfect in his eyes. And his word can be mean sometimes. He would criticize everything - from the way I dry the clothes on the hanger till the way I put the vase on the table. Even my shoes rack and shoes were big concern to him. It just put you off and spoiled your mood for whole day and your effort to drain. I don't really talk to him, unless I have to. Even if he is being nice, there's always hidden agenda, most of the times. Sometimes it's frustrating when I talked to him, he would just ignore me. My conversation is not interesting enough for him to bother unless it's about someone's dick. Yea I do wonder if he used to be a gay before. But after various evaluation and stories told, it's more of a dick obsession, I hope so.

Really, I don't need him to thank me or appreciate whatever things I did. But please stop criticizing. There's huge different between telling and condemning. 

So I'm used to that too. Your heart gets stronger, his ego gets bigger and dick gets harder. And we all live happily ever after? Oh woman!!

** layan Dave Matthews Band # 41

Blardy CDs

It's been awhile I didn't take time to express feeling here. I guess that period were most filled up by feeling that things were more managable, that perhaps those senseless life I'm having were eventually acceptable and making sense. But since I'm writing now, I guess insane things can never be comprehended by my sanity. Sometimes I amazed myself of how I can carry on life as it is, it's been 6 years now. Thank god I have a lots of sense of humor. I would smile and laugh to every insults that he made on me, belittling me infront of the kids. Only God knows how hurt I am when my kids now, have picked up those insult as facts of me. Sometimes I fought back of his insults and managed to reconcile my kids understanding on how bad or filthy their mother is and sometimes I'm so devastated and tired to fight and let all the insult on me with hope that the kids didn't understand what their father is cursing their mother. There's nothing and days without insult except when we fought. At least, he would be angry with me and didn't curse me and I felt free. But things would back to normal, when would fuck me in middle of nite or moring, forcing me to admit of all those fucks I had during our fights. And I would have to create another new stories to satisfy him and things would go back to square again. The next day, he would cynically bring up stories about my fuckings and said that he was insulted because I didn't tell him upfront or at least switch on the phone while having fuck in toilet or car, so that he could listen. Yeah, that's my life.

I'm well aware of what man are like, their perspective and their needs. I don't like flirting around with guys, it is so not me. But with all the pressures and after all these years, I'm just out of new stories. I'm driven to flirt with guys. And those flirts will be shared with him. What they say and such. The truth is, I only talked to them, to just get few stories out and the rest especially on the sexual parts are more of my creation. It will make him hard and happy.

Well, sometimes I asked myself, where is the line? How far can I stand living and carrying this burden ? Seriously, I'm not sure what is love. I know he loves me coz he always said that he loves me as I am. Though I'm cheap and filthy and guys made fun of me, he do loves me. He assured me that nobody would had marry a women like me. I'm more like a toy to them. Nobody can love me the way he does. And after so much of this kind of input, it just killed me inside and I'm in no strength to fight and what for anyways. We do feel happy doing things and being together and as long as I brush aside all his insults, things would be fine. He's a good father, he take care the kids well, fulfill their needs and all. Sometimes I wish he would do the same to me and not making me feel like I'm just a womb carrying his kids. It's hard to ask him for help. Even to pass me small thing, would be an insult to him. He would either ignore it or just throw them at my face. Yeah just the right treatment I should get as a fithly and dirty women. He did admit, sometimes he is so digusted with me, pity me for being toys of men. I just keep quiet, his words break me into pieces, what else could I say. But I know, no matter how disgusted he is with me, he needs me to satisfy his needs as no one could. He do admit that he's a bit weird with his sexual needs and thanked me for being understanding and most accomodating. I feel proud at a time, but after all these years, I'm not sure what I should feel anymore.

Last month I've lost my phone, the one he bought as gift for the service I gave him. I can't recall for what actually. Then recently, I got to know that he actually got the money to buy the phone from pictures that he sold to some guys. He said it was pictures of all those toys sticked up to my cunt. I told him he was crazy. But he assure me that it was all without faces. It shocked me like hell, I'm not sure if he's making up stories, I just keep quiet, my mind was so numbed to further think about that. He told me that if I want new phone, I need to fulfill his assignment - asked from my toy boys a porno CDs, karoke with guys that can give me hard stick up in my cunt and ass, he wanna join if possible or anything that I should well known of his needs. And I'm in desperate need to buy some porno CDs which I don't know where or how as he keep asking about it everyday and pissed him off everytime i said - soon.

Sometimes I just wish that I couldn't care all and run away from him, but I can't. I can't leave my kids. They all need me, I know. I've tried once, isolating myself in UK for 3 weeks. No one knows that I actually running from reality. But things got worst. Even when I'm thousand miles away from him, I need to updates him with all those nasty stories which really push me right to the edge. He needs me and I realized that I need my kids. I'm stuck and it come to sense that I don't really own myself. They own me.

Last week, there's a news that made headline about a 50s couple who lived in an estate where a wife run away from her husband because she had enough with him. The husband would asked the estate workers to have sex with his wife while him filming the act. This started when the husband realized that he was impotent to perform sex. When I read this, I had cold sweat all over me. I just closed the paper not willing to read more as I feel like vomiting. Then my husband read the paper and showed it to me of the headlines, I just blurted him with remarks - that was you okay!. And he just kept quiet and life remain as usual for me.

Oh gosh..where the hell can I buy for that blardy CDs.!!