pour some sugar on me

He's been quite nice to me lately - he bought me a new black dildo. I'm not really sure whether the fact that I was giving him what he wants that makes him joyful or that he finally sees that I'm struggling my ass managing everything to keep the family normal and he's being appreciative about it. Well..I know I'm asking a question where I have an obvious answer.

It's such a huge conflict to my life when on one hand you struggle to keep life as normal as possible and on the other hand you begin to enjoy the other side of life in which you know it's totally wrong. No matter how hard you try to keep your life normal, it just didn't seem to work out because your objectives and his drives are different. I just feel that it keeps pulling me deeper and I'm scare to where it's leading to.

If it's not about sex, we argued, and lately I fight back because I just don't care. But deep down, I don't like it because I know I shouldn't have hurt him as he is my husband who want to see me fuckwithotherman? WTF?? So how? My life is so fucked up like that! But the point that I'm aware it is wrong, works as a gate keeper for me. But how long can I rely to it ? What happen when the gate can no longer hold it and leashed out those vices in me? There's a very fine line that stops me from doing so and I try to be as strong as I could to hold on. Temptation is the word. And I am someone who's libido is like pantang-sentuh-terus-on beb! Haha..and that's a fuckin lie trust me.

I see him as someone who needs medication and his medication is me. He's addicted to me and I'm not curing him but making him worst instead. And the scary part is, I begin to like it - sweet revenge, to do all things he wanted me to do, to listen how he whispered how good I am and how he loves me so much and that he's willing to do anything that I want him to do and as if I have him at my feet (sorry to say this). Seriously, I don't want that, and I never used that power even though I know I can. I don't want to be doomed in hell for that. That's not my purpose of life. I just want a normal happy life like everyone else. But that's the catch, it's like you can have it when you lead it differently, as the way he wants it.

It's sickening, that every time you fuck, you need to have a chat with another guy to get him aroused but I can't deny that when I'm really high, I don't mindfuck about it, and kinda like it anyway and I know guys went crazy over it too. And worst, thing's get more extensive for me - macam main game..the basic levels no longer excites you and you were pushed to move on to more advance level. Like last week, he set up a date for me with one mamat mana ntah. Mental siotsss! But I told him I already made a promise to accompany a friend to meet her client (God saved me). So he's disappointed that I put my friend first before him and started to say bad things about it. It was so annoying okay. So we quarrel for few days, which is good coz I can just ignore him..and because I know he will make his move to reconcile it..3 days (max) after that..with sex of course.

His usual trick - I got angry with him and he didn't touch me so I gersang for few days and find someone else to fuck during that period and he would get that story out when he fucked my brains out. Oh and sorry was never part of the reconciliation process. Just fuck the way he likes and everything will be just fine like nothing had ever happened. And the persuasion goes on and on. As long as I fulfill all his needs, he will be good to me.

So that how it goes. Till when ? Only God knows. Nothing seems to matter that much now. When nights come, all that matter is some good fucks, a bar of MARS choc on bed and beautiful sleep. And girl, that's one secret to your good glow and youthfulness ;)
 

Sex is the best medicine too

I reckon I'm quite fortunate that I have a job to at least put me in safe position, financially. If I'm just a housewife, I could imagine the insult would probably expand to be in front of others. I've seen how his dad insulted his mother in public. It was a shock of my life. And his father is very alim okay.

Last Sat, he was lazing around on bed checking my laptop. I was busy with housekeeping and kids. I know that he was checking the usual stuff like all my chats, history and any new cock picture downloaded. Well, last time I used to delete, clear history, chats and all, but after sometimes I did't see what's the point of doing so. I mean he likes it, so I'm just giving what he likes although it feels like you've been stripped off as a person with no entittlement for any privacy whatsoever and that I'm like his porno server fuck.

But after that October, many things have changed. Though I told him not to ask about my past or any person that I've slept with because I don't, it didn't last that long before everything started to resume to his liking again. And I just give up though I do rebel, clearing all my chats, lock my phone, in fact I don't share anything. And that makes him more suspicious telling that I'm selfish for keeping all to myself.

So back to last Sat, I saw he was checking my chat and told him not to check coz there's nothing there. He got angry and nearly threw the laptop and said something but I can't recall but lebih kurang macam potong stim dia la. He got upset and walk out of the house. I didn't stopped him or say anything coz I don't care and I know he will apparently come back, cool down, give me a fuck and things will back to normal as if nothing had happened. But of course before all that, he would totally ignore me, didn't say a word if I asked him anything or even not eating my cooking. Well, it all will change after one dose.  Yeah, that's how things always get settled - one hot long fuckin session. And he would asked me to do things that he likes which I may not. He would put it to me as if I'm guilty to what I did to him and I need to repay that. Whenever I ask him to stop because it was hurting me, he would get irritated.- Kalau dengan I sumer sakit! Kalau dengan orang lain boleh! I'm your goddamn husband ok!

So I'm back to play with my mind. Stimulating it so that my whole body would enjoy and release those pain. And he would love it. He would then started to ask questions about all those men. I am a damn good liar and at that moment I am his master. You so good sayang..I love you sayang..and all those words I only get during those fuckin session. I wish I can fake orgasm so that it would end soon..but I can't. Pernah try..tapi tak jadi. You can fake the screaming sound but you can't fake those liquid cumming out from whatever holes you have. And he'll wait all night for that. Even you have sex drive like a horse..kuda pon penat and stress jugak.

I know I can use that, probably ask for a mini cooper..let him taste his own medicine.but shit that would cost me more than just fuck and head on. The more I think about it, the more I'm becoming like him. When I see man, I know what I should be seeing and doing. I'm beginning to think like him, like a man, like a bitch..shoot! How powerful sex can be eh.. You give them one and tomorrow will be a rainbow. Of coz he don't care how I feel or what he had made me become. For him feelings are not rational nor objective and what I've become is all at my own course, not his. Well I guess it's true.

I think a person has 2 sides in themselves. The one that we see and portray are those that are good and acceptable by the social norms and the one that domineering most part of oneself. But there's the other side of yourself that you will always hide or put it in a sleep mode, because they are meant to be that way and because they are dangerous. The complexity comes when you use the other side of your persona to dominate your life. And worst it is effecting others. 

I'm seeing it in him and I'm seeing it in me now. And that's scaring me, because I no longer afraid to unleashed the other side of persona. 

* Suka la Lighter Bruno Mars Eminem

every rain flow into drain

He's been quite nice to me lately, I mean since the incident that I ran away from home. Sending me texts saying that he loves me and all. But the thing is, I felt so suffocated with all his acts. Even before that, he checked on me like every hours, what panties I'm wearing, whether I got any bruises or scratch marks on my body, and now it is much more tighter. I can't even take time off to see my parents, and the moment he knew about it, he will ask if we can have fun together. If he knew I went out with my girlfriends he will feel sidelined. As if he only want my life to be all about him and no one else.

My head is so messed up, still I obliged to his needs and wants. I just don't know what else can I do. I know he's trying hard because he can feel that I no longer have the love for him and that's why he's trying to gain that back. There's one night when we were lying on bed, he asked me if I love him, I didn't reply. I couldn't make my mouth utter anything. My heart is dead and confused of what kind of love he's implying to and I just don't know what to say. I felt pity for him, so I said that I do love him, though it was all an emptiness. He would then hugged me from behind and kiss me like there's no tomorrow and he would satisfy my sexual needs the way I always wanted. 

Making sex is the only time that I can be selfish. I do what I want and I dictate how I want it to be. It has always been multiple orgasms that i looked forward to, every time I have sex. There's always a mixture of a hard cold plastic cock and hot blooded cock to satisfy me. After years now, the feeling of orgasms can put me really high. And that's the only pleasure I'm giving myself. I'm such a good fucker! He loves and would go crazy just watching my cum oozing out from my vagina. And my body would shivers with euphoria. Its like in nirvana, really. Oh fuckk! I'm so fucking horny right now! And the one that suppose to make me happy, been bz lately. Well I guess they all are weird but predictable species. And the only thing worth the wait is only the surprise in their pants. Other than that, they are all the same!

I deactivated my fb account today as I see no reason to have one anymore since he no longer find me exciting. I've taken so much of his time, I guess it will do him good when I'm no longer around. I'm a bad apple, I rot everything's around me. He's a nice person and I'm just not.

Life after October

It's been awhile. Many things happened in my life since last October. He chased me out of the house again. Last time when he said that, I would breakdown in silence and begged for forgiveness, even though I know it was not entirely my fault. To make it easier, he was always right and I would gave in. 


But that moment I had enough. He said things that was so hurtful and I just can't forgive him for saying it. The reason for him to be furious was always the same. I didn't tell him who's the person I'm going out with. Reason being, I had enough of feeling being used, to have to tell him details of what I did with that person to excites him and feel like vomiting every time I did that. Sometimes the stories were just my creation as he provoked me to tell him things that he wanted to listen. Things that I never did. After years of provocation, I felt so used and useless for nothing but just to sexually satisfy him and I'm the one who's getting sick of it. There were times, that I told myself, well what the hell! If this is what he wants me to be, then so be it. I'll be the slut he always said I am. I don't care myself anymore and what for. The one that suppose to care, respect and protect me are the one who degrade me, put me in a situation that I can't comprehend.


So that night, he asked, I didn't tell. I need a trigger point to get out and I'm sorry I made that person one. He knew nothing about it, we just met for a drink. He was nice, he even bought me an Actifast and open the bottle cap for me. I do wish if only he could be my husband, but of course I'm not going to wreck someone's marriage for my own thought of happiness. I'm so used to sacrifice everything I had, being with someone who looks at you with admiration and opened cap of a drink bottle content me enough. I think among all the men I met who just want to fuck me, he's someone special to me. I know coz I can feel it, tho I don't know the hell was that feeling. They probably the same fuckers, just different style, I don't know. It's hard to believe that men do good to you sincerely without having thoughts of fucking you in the end. But he is an exception, I mean I want to think him that way, so I'm keeping him entirely for myself. Not even a single person will know who he is. Not yet.

That night, he didn't even let me to go back to the house to pack up my things and instead asked my brother to pack. If he came back and see my things in the house, he would dumped it in the garbage. But then I still strong myself to go back and emptied the wardrobe, shoes and documents. It saddened me so much, the night I walked out of the house for my kids and the memories. But I have no regret at all, as my heart was so crushed and I'm foreseeing a happy life ahead. I know I deserve it after all those years of mental and emotionally suffered. I just need to get out of that mess.

The next day, he came to my mom's house bringing the kids. Didn't say much, spend few hours and then gone back home. He text asking me to be on YM online. I guess he freaked out when he saw all my things were gone and I'm really out of his life. He started to console and persuade me to come back and expect me to be back home that night. I was so hurt and I told him that I will think about it. He asked why the need to think about it, and that I'm not thinking about the kids.

That night, I sent the kids back to house, but I'm not staying. His face changed as I didn't do like what he was expecting. So he chased me away again, together with the kids. The kids was crying seeing their father shouted furiously. He even told that he's going to burn the house together with the kids, if I'm not coming back. I was so angry that he involved the kids in the argument. And I'm trapped again. I don't have the heart to see my kids in that situation. They were crying and was so confused of what was happening. And so I give in, I told him that I'll be coming back later. I need to go back and take my things and will be back that night. There's no way out for me it seems. It's like seeing the only way out of painful life, but you just need to let go. That's the sacrifice I have made. I'm the sacrifice. I remember I told him ; I'll be home and everything will be fine then. And he was so happy about it. But it was the saddest and hopeless moment of my life for letting the once happiness I thought I will have.

So that night when I'm back, he hugged me and said that he would never let me go and how he loves me so much. But deep inside, the damage has been done. I'm back because of the kids and not because of him. My heart is dead for love because of him. It's dead. 

For a week, he started to be very nice to me. Send me messages telling how much he loves me and all. He didn't say bad things to me, so I felt relieved. But he did try to dig who's the person I'm out with. And the routine starts again and back to square one. The next few weeks, he started to say bad things again. The worst and not the first time, when he told the kids that they should not behave and follow like their mother, as she is a bad example. So that kind of life is still back to the same. There's no changed. He became more obsessed and control in all my whereabouts. He would stuck in front of the laptop goggling my name, hoping he would find any stories, pictures, video or anything that relates to me. Even a porn star that looks like me is me. He was disappointed because I no longer share with him my phone messages, chat or stories. I told him that I need some privacy in my life, and the only medium is my phone. So I begged that at least he could give that. So he obliged tho sometimes he would snatched my phone to read it.

Well, that's about it. My parents know about his 2 characters now and they were so sadden about my life. At first my mom was so reluctant when I told her that I'm going back to him, but there's nothing much she can do, but to pray for the best for me. There are times when I told her my head was so clouded with it and that I'm not happy with my life, she would scold me that it's not right to say that and asked me to think of the kids and stay on. She told me that I will get my fair share soon. I told her wasn't 8 years not long enough? I'm the one who's suffering and I'm the one who need to make the change instead of just waiting. She said if I'm single, I will be subjected to fitnah. I was so frustrated and confused when she said that. So, I don't feel I need to open up to her anymore. She just don't understand how I need to face my life everyday with emptiness. I guess it's all about other people except myself. Everything will just be fine, if I just pretend that things were all good. 

There's always times that I just want to get away from him, to go somewhere where I'm not with him. That's the only period when I no need to listen to him degrading me in front of the kids. Well not that I told him not to do so, but he kept saying that I need to be reminded who I am, cheap!

He said he was frustrated because he can't teach me to be a good wife. And I was like, huh? Did he ever tried? He made me a slut! That's what he wants me to be. I told him that since I was never a good wife, good mother and even a whore gets paid, I asked him to find a good wife that can take care of him and the kids. I don't mind. I just want to get out. Even all the world would know I'm a slut, but at least I have my own dignity. Then he said that he's too old for that, and worry that no one will take care of him and that he loves me so much. And I just kept quiet not seeing any light in my life anymore.

Really, I don't know where's my life is heading to. I'm so sick with it and I'm a sad person inside. The kids start to say bad things to me. Last time they used to call me FOC tho they don't know what it meant. Now  the lil one called me a bad mom and the brother shouted to me when he didn't get what he wants with no respect as his mother. It crushed me heart, only God knows to see the ones that you sacrifice your life for are turning against you. If only they knew what their mother had to go through so not to keep them apart. Life seems tumbling onto me.

I always forgive him, consoling my heart that I know who I am and I'm not like what he says. But I guess, when heart gets tainted and crushed badly, it grew weak and no longer can hold much further. I'm here surviving my life because of the kids. I do not see my life to get better. I do more damages to myself and I just don't care anymore. Nobody seems to care. I'm surrounded with men that only want to get their cock inside me. Love for men no longer exist. They are all the same fuckin shit. And I just play around with them, just like what I'm expected to be.


I'm giving myself few months from now, to see if fate will give me better life than this. Else, I'm filing a divorce. I need to be happy please.

subject and object

I figure, I need to update and keep reminding myself of what had happened. The thing is, in order to survive in this kind of life, you need to forget and let go all those hurtful feelings and act. No matter how smart I can be, I know I was abused and manipulated by him, but I just let it be. There's no other reason for letting it gets into me, except for my kids. I will take it as long as can I can't leave them with their father. I know he's a good father, but he is a sick man. And if he can do this to me, in desperation without an object and subject like me to fulfill his sexual needs, I'm afraid if he find his way out with the kids. And I cant let this to happen.

There's not a single moment that I haven't thought of leaving him. So many times especially when I was so hurt and emotional disoriented. With the way he treated me, in my heart and mind I no longer regard him as my husband. A husband should be loving you, lead you to be a better person, safeguarded from all the harm and not otherwise. And all these years all I got was degrading insults, ignorance and exposing me to sickening sexual activities. Love words were only whispered on the bed, when I have fulfilled his sexual satisfaction. Yes, last time I felt so appreciated and like goddess. Now, love has no meaning. It's like looking to a dark plain cement.

After all these years, he has turned me into a person that he wants. A slut. Not that I cannot be one, but after all the pressure and persistence and the person that I was made to believed to be, you succumb and rebel. It came to a point where things doesn't matter anymore and there's no point to hold on something that was long shattered.

He would tell my mom, how disobedient I am. And mom would babble about it. I just kept quiet to say anything. If only she knew, that he choose what dress or skirt or shirt or panties I should wear when go out with him. How I was told how I should sit and spread my legs in front of those guys, just because he likes to see their reactions getting hard on me.

Fuck after sometime playing along with it, you becomes really good at the game. He would tell me what to say in each chat with guys so that they will send me their pic of their dick. He would then save it in his email and will repeatedly review those pics. I vomit inside at first. I know it's not normal, but after a while, I'm used to it already. I'm living with a pervert, that's the fact.

He can be nice sometimes. But I always forgot that he always got his agenda to it. He need me, because I give in for him. He knows my weakness is the kids, and he always use that when we quarrel. He would take away the kids and not picking up the call. I was so so scared and at the end, I forgot about leaving. There was last time that I told him that I want to separate. He got pissed off, pick me up at the office and planned to go the Religious department to call it off.

I was so prepared and didn't tick off with his statement. I guess he was shocked with my reaction and changed his mind. Instead he was persuading and consoling me.

And I just I forget about it, thinking future of my kids.

And that's how I have changed. I have a husband which I don't really feel he is. My mind and heart has parted it so well, that I do not have any guilty feeling of it. In my mind, I am now leaving separately and I am there with him just to take care of the kids.

Well that's how it is now.

Blardy CDs

It's been awhile I didn't take time to express feeling here. I guess that period were most filled up by feeling that things were more managable, that perhaps those senseless life I'm having were eventually acceptable and making sense. But since I'm writing now, I guess insane things can never be comprehended by my sanity. Sometimes I amazed myself of how I can carry on life as it is, it's been 6 years now. Thank god I have a lots of sense of humor. I would smile and laugh to every insults that he made on me, belittling me infront of the kids. Only God knows how hurt I am when my kids now, have picked up those insult as facts of me. Sometimes I fought back of his insults and managed to reconcile my kids understanding on how bad or filthy their mother is and sometimes I'm so devastated and tired to fight and let all the insult on me with hope that the kids didn't understand what their father is cursing their mother. There's nothing and days without insult except when we fought. At least, he would be angry with me and didn't curse me and I felt free. But things would back to normal, when would fuck me in middle of nite or moring, forcing me to admit of all those fucks I had during our fights. And I would have to create another new stories to satisfy him and things would go back to square again. The next day, he would cynically bring up stories about my fuckings and said that he was insulted because I didn't tell him upfront or at least switch on the phone while having fuck in toilet or car, so that he could listen. Yeah, that's my life.

I'm well aware of what man are like, their perspective and their needs. I don't like flirting around with guys, it is so not me. But with all the pressures and after all these years, I'm just out of new stories. I'm driven to flirt with guys. And those flirts will be shared with him. What they say and such. The truth is, I only talked to them, to just get few stories out and the rest especially on the sexual parts are more of my creation. It will make him hard and happy.

Well, sometimes I asked myself, where is the line? How far can I stand living and carrying this burden ? Seriously, I'm not sure what is love. I know he loves me coz he always said that he loves me as I am. Though I'm cheap and filthy and guys made fun of me, he do loves me. He assured me that nobody would had marry a women like me. I'm more like a toy to them. Nobody can love me the way he does. And after so much of this kind of input, it just killed me inside and I'm in no strength to fight and what for anyways. We do feel happy doing things and being together and as long as I brush aside all his insults, things would be fine. He's a good father, he take care the kids well, fulfill their needs and all. Sometimes I wish he would do the same to me and not making me feel like I'm just a womb carrying his kids. It's hard to ask him for help. Even to pass me small thing, would be an insult to him. He would either ignore it or just throw them at my face. Yeah just the right treatment I should get as a fithly and dirty women. He did admit, sometimes he is so digusted with me, pity me for being toys of men. I just keep quiet, his words break me into pieces, what else could I say. But I know, no matter how disgusted he is with me, he needs me to satisfy his needs as no one could. He do admit that he's a bit weird with his sexual needs and thanked me for being understanding and most accomodating. I feel proud at a time, but after all these years, I'm not sure what I should feel anymore.

Last month I've lost my phone, the one he bought as gift for the service I gave him. I can't recall for what actually. Then recently, I got to know that he actually got the money to buy the phone from pictures that he sold to some guys. He said it was pictures of all those toys sticked up to my cunt. I told him he was crazy. But he assure me that it was all without faces. It shocked me like hell, I'm not sure if he's making up stories, I just keep quiet, my mind was so numbed to further think about that. He told me that if I want new phone, I need to fulfill his assignment - asked from my toy boys a porno CDs, karoke with guys that can give me hard stick up in my cunt and ass, he wanna join if possible or anything that I should well known of his needs. And I'm in desperate need to buy some porno CDs which I don't know where or how as he keep asking about it everyday and pissed him off everytime i said - soon.

Sometimes I just wish that I couldn't care all and run away from him, but I can't. I can't leave my kids. They all need me, I know. I've tried once, isolating myself in UK for 3 weeks. No one knows that I actually running from reality. But things got worst. Even when I'm thousand miles away from him, I need to updates him with all those nasty stories which really push me right to the edge. He needs me and I realized that I need my kids. I'm stuck and it come to sense that I don't really own myself. They own me.

Last week, there's a news that made headline about a 50s couple who lived in an estate where a wife run away from her husband because she had enough with him. The husband would asked the estate workers to have sex with his wife while him filming the act. This started when the husband realized that he was impotent to perform sex. When I read this, I had cold sweat all over me. I just closed the paper not willing to read more as I feel like vomiting. Then my husband read the paper and showed it to me of the headlines, I just blurted him with remarks - that was you okay!. And he just kept quiet and life remain as usual for me.

Oh gosh..where the hell can I buy for that blardy CDs.!!

Numbness

It has been almost 3 days now. He didn't talk much or eat my cooking. I need to ask him few times before he would reply in just a mumble.

I know he's angry with me coz he felt that I did not respect him as my husband. And it all be for the same reason - I did not share with him all those flirtatious words I had with guys I chat with. Not that I don't want to share, but I had none. The fact that I'm really tight up with my work and that I have no time to chat. And when I told him that, he thinks that I'm lying and that I just wanna hide it from him. He got so frustrated with me that above all his consent to let me flirt and fuck with other man, I'm still not being truthful towards him. That I'm a disrespectful, ungrateful person for using those privileges to have fun just for my fuckingself.

What more could I say than hoping that a good fuck with him tonite will make him forget about it and love me for it.