Life after October

It's been awhile. Many things happened in my life since last October. He chased me out of the house again. Last time when he said that, I would breakdown in silence and begged for forgiveness, even though I know it was not entirely my fault. To make it easier, he was always right and I would gave in. 


But that moment I had enough. He said things that was so hurtful and I just can't forgive him for saying it. The reason for him to be furious was always the same. I didn't tell him who's the person I'm going out with. Reason being, I had enough of feeling being used, to have to tell him details of what I did with that person to excites him and feel like vomiting every time I did that. Sometimes the stories were just my creation as he provoked me to tell him things that he wanted to listen. Things that I never did. After years of provocation, I felt so used and useless for nothing but just to sexually satisfy him and I'm the one who's getting sick of it. There were times, that I told myself, well what the hell! If this is what he wants me to be, then so be it. I'll be the slut he always said I am. I don't care myself anymore and what for. The one that suppose to care, respect and protect me are the one who degrade me, put me in a situation that I can't comprehend.


So that night, he asked, I didn't tell. I need a trigger point to get out and I'm sorry I made that person one. He knew nothing about it, we just met for a drink. He was nice, he even bought me an Actifast and open the bottle cap for me. I do wish if only he could be my husband, but of course I'm not going to wreck someone's marriage for my own thought of happiness. I'm so used to sacrifice everything I had, being with someone who looks at you with admiration and opened cap of a drink bottle content me enough. I think among all the men I met who just want to fuck me, he's someone special to me. I know coz I can feel it, tho I don't know the hell was that feeling. They probably the same fuckers, just different style, I don't know. It's hard to believe that men do good to you sincerely without having thoughts of fucking you in the end. But he is an exception, I mean I want to think him that way, so I'm keeping him entirely for myself. Not even a single person will know who he is. Not yet.

That night, he didn't even let me to go back to the house to pack up my things and instead asked my brother to pack. If he came back and see my things in the house, he would dumped it in the garbage. But then I still strong myself to go back and emptied the wardrobe, shoes and documents. It saddened me so much, the night I walked out of the house for my kids and the memories. But I have no regret at all, as my heart was so crushed and I'm foreseeing a happy life ahead. I know I deserve it after all those years of mental and emotionally suffered. I just need to get out of that mess.

The next day, he came to my mom's house bringing the kids. Didn't say much, spend few hours and then gone back home. He text asking me to be on YM online. I guess he freaked out when he saw all my things were gone and I'm really out of his life. He started to console and persuade me to come back and expect me to be back home that night. I was so hurt and I told him that I will think about it. He asked why the need to think about it, and that I'm not thinking about the kids.

That night, I sent the kids back to house, but I'm not staying. His face changed as I didn't do like what he was expecting. So he chased me away again, together with the kids. The kids was crying seeing their father shouted furiously. He even told that he's going to burn the house together with the kids, if I'm not coming back. I was so angry that he involved the kids in the argument. And I'm trapped again. I don't have the heart to see my kids in that situation. They were crying and was so confused of what was happening. And so I give in, I told him that I'll be coming back later. I need to go back and take my things and will be back that night. There's no way out for me it seems. It's like seeing the only way out of painful life, but you just need to let go. That's the sacrifice I have made. I'm the sacrifice. I remember I told him ; I'll be home and everything will be fine then. And he was so happy about it. But it was the saddest and hopeless moment of my life for letting the once happiness I thought I will have.

So that night when I'm back, he hugged me and said that he would never let me go and how he loves me so much. But deep inside, the damage has been done. I'm back because of the kids and not because of him. My heart is dead for love because of him. It's dead. 

For a week, he started to be very nice to me. Send me messages telling how much he loves me and all. He didn't say bad things to me, so I felt relieved. But he did try to dig who's the person I'm out with. And the routine starts again and back to square one. The next few weeks, he started to say bad things again. The worst and not the first time, when he told the kids that they should not behave and follow like their mother, as she is a bad example. So that kind of life is still back to the same. There's no changed. He became more obsessed and control in all my whereabouts. He would stuck in front of the laptop goggling my name, hoping he would find any stories, pictures, video or anything that relates to me. Even a porn star that looks like me is me. He was disappointed because I no longer share with him my phone messages, chat or stories. I told him that I need some privacy in my life, and the only medium is my phone. So I begged that at least he could give that. So he obliged tho sometimes he would snatched my phone to read it.

Well, that's about it. My parents know about his 2 characters now and they were so sadden about my life. At first my mom was so reluctant when I told her that I'm going back to him, but there's nothing much she can do, but to pray for the best for me. There are times when I told her my head was so clouded with it and that I'm not happy with my life, she would scold me that it's not right to say that and asked me to think of the kids and stay on. She told me that I will get my fair share soon. I told her wasn't 8 years not long enough? I'm the one who's suffering and I'm the one who need to make the change instead of just waiting. She said if I'm single, I will be subjected to fitnah. I was so frustrated and confused when she said that. So, I don't feel I need to open up to her anymore. She just don't understand how I need to face my life everyday with emptiness. I guess it's all about other people except myself. Everything will just be fine, if I just pretend that things were all good. 

There's always times that I just want to get away from him, to go somewhere where I'm not with him. That's the only period when I no need to listen to him degrading me in front of the kids. Well not that I told him not to do so, but he kept saying that I need to be reminded who I am, cheap!

He said he was frustrated because he can't teach me to be a good wife. And I was like, huh? Did he ever tried? He made me a slut! That's what he wants me to be. I told him that since I was never a good wife, good mother and even a whore gets paid, I asked him to find a good wife that can take care of him and the kids. I don't mind. I just want to get out. Even all the world would know I'm a slut, but at least I have my own dignity. Then he said that he's too old for that, and worry that no one will take care of him and that he loves me so much. And I just kept quiet not seeing any light in my life anymore.

Really, I don't know where's my life is heading to. I'm so sick with it and I'm a sad person inside. The kids start to say bad things to me. Last time they used to call me FOC tho they don't know what it meant. Now  the lil one called me a bad mom and the brother shouted to me when he didn't get what he wants with no respect as his mother. It crushed me heart, only God knows to see the ones that you sacrifice your life for are turning against you. If only they knew what their mother had to go through so not to keep them apart. Life seems tumbling onto me.

I always forgive him, consoling my heart that I know who I am and I'm not like what he says. But I guess, when heart gets tainted and crushed badly, it grew weak and no longer can hold much further. I'm here surviving my life because of the kids. I do not see my life to get better. I do more damages to myself and I just don't care anymore. Nobody seems to care. I'm surrounded with men that only want to get their cock inside me. Love for men no longer exist. They are all the same fuckin shit. And I just play around with them, just like what I'm expected to be.


I'm giving myself few months from now, to see if fate will give me better life than this. Else, I'm filing a divorce. I need to be happy please.