I don't think anyone can imagine and understand the pain that I'm going through. I'm becoming the most complex person on earth I think. This is the most difficult test ever and I feel like its gonna take forever. I don’t see any end road to it and so I’m not sure what I should be wishing for. There's certain point in my life, I felt like I'm losing my mind. And the only thing I can do is to take a deep breath, wrap my own self and pray that God would still give me strength and patience to go all through this for the sake of my kids.
It has been almost 6 years and I'm not sure how long I can endure this kind of life. I always felt that there's nothing left in me that’s valuable other than to serve him and my kids. I’ve already seen disgusted in the eyes of my husband and kids, so what’s there left for me? My heart has been so ripped inside and only God knows how hard I try to distract myself to think that I’m not what he thinks of me. I used to console myself saying that nobody can hurt me if I don’t let them be. But how long can I defense myself from this tremendous assault and game? I’m all by myself and I’m not that strong. I love them so much, that I guess this is the only sacrifice that I'm worth for.
I'm no longer myself because I have to become what you want me to be - your sex slave. It’s a brain exhaustion to fulfill your fantasy. Sometimes I have to refrain myself from vomiting thinking about it. There's no single day in that we've gone through that you had never cursed me as slut. Even my son would say mom is for free or cheapsale or touch n go. Can you imagine how that cut me into pieces. And when I told him not to say that in front of our kids or teach them to say that, you would say coz that's the truth.
What else can I do? I can't leave him because I know that he's sick and my kids need me. I have to admit that he’s a good father. He take care their welfare very well. And my kids deserve that all. He always says that, he's my savior. That there's no one would love me they way he does. He said that he loves me not because of my cunt, but because of who I am. But the fact is, he needs me so that he could feel complete. He knows that I could make him reach his sex fantasy. And because of my sex life before (the sex life that I’ve created for him to believe), I’m what he needs. He needs my details stories, for him to imagine how those men fucked me and hurt me. Fine. I followed through, though it makes me feel dirty and all. But after all these years, I don’t really felt anything about it. It all came naturally, like it has always been me.
What else can I do? I can't leave him because I know that he's sick and my kids need me. I have to admit that he’s a good father. He take care their welfare very well. And my kids deserve that all. He always says that, he's my savior. That there's no one would love me they way he does. He said that he loves me not because of my cunt, but because of who I am. But the fact is, he needs me so that he could feel complete. He knows that I could make him reach his sex fantasy. And because of my sex life before (the sex life that I’ve created for him to believe), I’m what he needs. He needs my details stories, for him to imagine how those men fucked me and hurt me. Fine. I followed through, though it makes me feel dirty and all. But after all these years, I don’t really felt anything about it. It all came naturally, like it has always been me.
He said that he can't stop me from fucking or flirting around (which is none), but I need to tell him upfront. And the only reason is for him to join in that session coz he said that it will be his ultimate dream to see me fuck with others right in front of him.
There’s one time, when he called from the office and I was in a toilet. He asked if I was with someone, and I said yes. He was so excited about it and asked if I’m doing some blowjob and all. And I said yes, that some digging and blowing was taking place. He was so overwhelmed about it and asked to leave the mobile on so that he could hear all those sounds in the toilet. And few days later he gave a new hand phone for the entertainment that I have put through. Well, that’s some kind of appreciation wouldn’t you think?
And the rest of other days would be write ups on details - of how those fuckings would be. How they would do me, how was the dick look like, what colors, how long and diameter like, if there's any smells, was the pubic hair shaved or crumpled any awkward incident happened while fucking and all sort of things. Can you imagine the same questions all these years and how am I gonna come out with answers to all that?? How many men do I have to imagine and put up in my head, in order to come out with consistent and realistic answers If my reaction is kinda lame or seemed uninterested, he would get intimidated and would be insulted. He would say, how could I can do all that, enjoying it all myself but don't even have the courtesy of sharing it with him. Then, I would put myself into that situation, using all imaginings that I have for him to reach his climax. The easiest part for me is to put up some show for him. To have me do myself till I’m out of control, wet myself like waterfall and screamed out some god knows whose name and he would be thrilled to the max. Then I would have him done. That’s how’s things goes. I can’t deny that I love him so, and that I’m doing all these because of my love to him. And I guess he will not know. All he knows is that I’m just a slut hiding behind a wife title. And all my doings were what I’ve been doing all my life, which has no different, or new meaning. That I’m cheaper than a public toilet, coz at least you have to pay to have a pee.
God is there’s anyway out please?
