1Q end

The first quarter has closed. The past few days were most busiest and craziest days. Stresses were mounting like shit and when people started to act like dumb ass. Anyways..it's also good for me to re asses what I've achieved so far.

It's all about stability, security and future needs in case anything happened, I'm prepared and can support my kids. Or if I'm dead, pray for me. I guess over times I'm getting more sensible to what kinda shit I'm in. I'm able to set my emotions and feelings aside and be objective on things that I'm suppose to do. So basically it's about performing my responsibility as wife and mother. No doubt I love my kids, but with him it's just making sure that he's comfortable as much as possible.

1. I'm blessed that I've got a promotion with effect this month. Not sure how much increment I would get, hopefully it will be at least $1K la..sedap sket..but of course it comes with heavier responsibility and different pressure. I love my job and I'm getting good pay for it. So syukur.
2. I need to be more cautious with my spending. Need to reduce spending on those bags and shoes and make ups and hairs and clothes. I need to pile up my savings yang tak berapa menarik tu..It's about time I have few grands in my account la. I need to be secretive about my money as well, else he would make his plan for it - ask me to pay things and then buat-buat lupa plak. When I got married to him, I don't know how much money he's doing. It doesn't matter to me really. But I got pissed when his dad told me that he knew my salary and all. Well I got to know later that his dad like to know and compare everybody's salary and earnings. Duh! And he is very calculative with his money. He said I pay all the foods for breakfast and dinner because I don't cook. And when I ask for money, he gave me face. Malass siotss. Rasa macam pengemis nak kasik anak makan sendiri. I remember there's one day we went to EPF for housing withdrawals. And he asked if I had put in the EPF nominees upon my death, I said not yet. So he took the form and asked me to fill up. So dengan rela hatinya.. I put his name and submit. Then I asked him did he put my name. He said he need to think first and end up putting my kids name and mine? zitsss..I don't care about the money, but it's a testament to his trust and love. For me, when I'm dead, those money have no use to me. I just wish that it will help him and my kids to move on comfortably. That's all. And I asked him, why didn't he put my name? He said that I will happily enjoying the money when he's dead, buy convertible car, have lotsa man and forgot about the kids. I was like wow..never thought of that. After all those sacrifices I've made, he really think of me that way. Well..I would probably just do that I guess, though I definitely will not ignore my kids.
3. I'm in process of fighting back. I try to ignore his request. When he didn't get what he wants, he will insult me. And worst, he will beg me to say that I should have understand him and that's the only way to make him fuck me and satisfy him and I pity him, so I gave in. When he insulted me the next day, I told him whatever fucks I had with other man was a lie, he was angry. He said that I'm just too ashamed to admit that I'm such a whore, that every man came in contact with me only to fuck and nothing else and that's how cheap I am. I just ignore it. So for few weeks now, he's like in a detox session. He stopped surfing the net for se#stories or se#vid, because he said mine are the best and he can't see me in their stories. So wa tak layan..all he did now is to sleep. So I feel good and free..hehehe
4. He asked me that day 'you dah jadi baik ke sekarang? or you dah tak laku lagi ?' I just told him, I malas nak layan. And again, he will said ' if you want me to fuck you tonite, set a chat with so and so. Baru la semangat sikit. So I malas nak layan. So that nite he asked again.. so is it on? I told him..nobody's around to chat..so he pretend to sleep. And before he slept, he said 'you go and fuck yourself..you know where it is! And I was like okayyyy..yayyy...so I blast my brain off having multiple clit-Os with the vibrators..kinda funny though..dok mengerang meraung sorang2 atas katil while he's sleeping..but watehek..I'm in my own world of ecstasy mann...who can give me multiple Os like adildo can? So far nooo.. sorry arr..but that's the benchmark la kan..hehehe.. but like I said..it's still not a complete course until you get that hardhotbloodedcock into you cunt for closure. So pepandai la to make it stand up for you for nice closure kan. So I'm selfish like that la..opssie terbabas plak. So I'm happy.
5. He's not talking to me last few days. I've lost track for what reason anyways. His fault finding on me are no ending stories. When I'm ignoring his nagging, he turn it on to the kids, sampai the kids pon confused and sad. So I took them out to eat last nite, coz he don't ask whether the kids have eaten or not. For him that's my responsibility. So before I went out, I asked him if he want to follow or what he wants to eat? After few times asking , then he said he's not eating. So me and kids went out to eat K-epchi. And when we came back, and kids were about to sleep, he started to ask my daughter where she went and what she had for dinner and did she bought anything for him. Budak kecik tu cakap la takde, and he said that he wanted to eat bread and ask her to pity him as he has nothing to eat  for dinner. Wa buat bodo je la..that was so predictable. Dalam hati cakap la..padan muka. Last time when he sulked up, I still bought him food but he didn't touch it, last2 buang je. He always like to make me feel guilty of everything, but I don't feel that anymore. I'm learning how to be cruel in order to be good I guess.
6. Last but not least, I need to keep my 5 times prayer. Asik terbabas je. I know my meeting schedules are crazy, I need to be good in slotting time for it. Else everything will have no meaning. I know.

So basically, this quarter has made a good progress and it's about controlling him, taking charge of my happiness, keeping the money and sex? I think I had enough with man. If there's no need for them, I just keep them in that begging games. Jahat siotsss...muahahaha..

Ni dipanggil mulut donald duck.. I've bought very red lipstick yesterday..tersilap color actually..mine normally not that red. It drew different kinda reaction and attention yesterday..mmm..tis is something new that I've learned..no wonder sexy women wear daring red..and I'm still learning..Mmmm..nak pi test jap la..if its long lasting..muahahaha

storymory

Every weekends are always the busiest day for me. I always told my son, I wish I could be NarutoShippuden who can multiply himself and do multiple things at a time, sort of. Weekends are days for housekeeping, laundry, ironing and cooking. Apart from that visiting parents, shopping, jalan-jalan with kids, cuci kereta, teman hubby to run errands, and that will not have the ironing or housekeeping work on their own unfortunately. And being a perfectionist, he expects that to be completed anyhow. And also that doesn't include few fuckinsessions in a day that starts immediately in morning while the kids were still asleep and so did I. I guess when you were sleeping you seem to be at your most vulnerable state, no introduction no foreplay watsoever, just shoved it straight up into the body with a fast closure. Macam sedar tak sedar..wa sambung tido je..and asked him in the morning to confirm..did u play me? No..you were having your wet dream! So tell me who did fingerfuck you yesterday coz you were all wet? Arghh! Buang karen je tanye..balik-balik kena jugak! So wa malas dah nak tanye!

 

I'm sleeping alone tonight I guess. Self servicing right afterwords..now where the fuck did he keep that battery operated stick!! He went back to kampung this morning alone, coz his relative passed away. I don't really know arwah so I told him that I'm not following him back coz kids nak sekolah and I have to prepare all their things. He was so angry and told me to pergi mampus and that when I'm dead no one will come to visit and bury me. And so he went off to kampung alone. I was like okay!! (Takde perasaan). I told my mom that he went back kampung alone and she said I should have followed him. And I just say yeah..I should. Though I didn't tell her what he said and that even though we were to go back, I still need make sure all things for school ready in which could extend my sleeping hours up till 3am. Wa tak tahan beb!! I need my rest to sustain for the whole week. If not pengsan tengah jalan.

When  he called me to tell the news, I was having breakfast at my fav stall with the kids. He didn't join coz he was angry with me for petty things, as usual. I told him that one of my bf was contacting me again, trying to sell insurance. Reason I told him that probably I was trying to be as open as possible, so that he won't be suspicious for me not telling him anything and that bf of mine doesn't mean anything to me. But well, he is like he is, no difference whether I tell him nothing or everything. He wants to listen to things he wanted to hear. And the the fact that I told him something else, will just turn him off.

I was showering while he was watching me and asked "So where did both of you gets your hands with each other? Ntah-ntah dah pegi condo dia tapi buat citer lain. He can't get you for free and that's why he's selling you the insurance and get money from you!"  So wa memang bengang giler!! Rasa macam nak gigit2 sabunLux tu. I didn't answered but instead questioned him back " Did I told you any of that? I just told you that he wanted to see me probably coz he's selling insurance!! And if that story is in your head, you don't need to ask me to validate it for you." Whoaaaa..tetiba ego seorang lelaki yang bernama suami tercabar dan tercalar! I'm so sorry that I didn't hold my anger. But I was so mad when my niat yang suci murni iteww was taken as bad as if I had my hidden agenda. And that exactly what he had in mind when he's being nice to me I guess. So next time wa malas nak story kalau tak tanye! But I did feel bad about it. I even dream that nite he slapped me on face for being rude to him.

And it's been the craziest and busiest week for me. The pressure to close business against target memang macam hareemmm!! People are ruthless sometimes and it's a tough business line that I'm in. Toughest part for me is dealing with people. The youngsters are immature and lack of objective. Sometimes I wonder whether they come to work or they come to berkawan-kawan. Mentality clicks kat kolej tu, still terbawa-bawa sampai ke alam pekerjaan and therefore can't differentiate what suppose to be their focus. Decision made were based on emotions and therefore effecting their work performance. Yang big boss pulak, too matured tanak dengar concern orang. Decision tak leh ada exception langsung! Ego is as big as their ball masa kecut. Eh! Tu kecik! Rephrase : Ego is as big as their boardroom. It is a disappointment to be called as a disappointment for slight mistake. Dah la kat umah, you've been labelled the same. What's sad is because it kills you inside coz you'll tend to refrain all your creativity and ability to change things for better, if it is naturally you. And if you keep on doing this to human capital, they will eventually turned to be a liabilities with high depreciation rate. At home no matter how you feel and how stressful you are, routines jalannn...else kena labelled pemalas pulak. Driving here and there to buy food, feed them, send kids mengaji, dobi, photostat peta mesia la, beli tali rafia la..adik nangis sebab abang babab dia, abang merajuk sebab tak dengar dia deklamasi sajak kasih ibu..and by the time you want to eat adik want me to sleep with her coz she needs my nipple while she's drinking her milk. Nooo I'm not complaining..cuma bila perut lapa..and tired and stress..the hubby rilek jerr tgok berita ke layan movie ke.. you feel its too much to take it. Like last nite, before I went to sleep I took flu meds coz its running badly, in middle of nite, I heard that he was talking loudly  over the phone and when the conversation was over, he scolded me coz I didn't inform him that his phone rang. How the fuck did I know his phone rang, I was asleep and that meds really power buat orang tido mati punya. Sometimes it's just too much for me to handle or even say a word, that I just walk out and sleep on the sofa outside. I just need myself. Fucktheworld!!

Nowadays, I'm slowly pulling back from feeding him what he wants - my fuckingstory and ch8ts I have with men. When he asked I simply said I don't have any coz I malas and too busy. So when human with desperation and urge to meet their needs, will eventually find their own survival kit to keep it excited and alive. So he turned to those cybers3xst0ry in which I'm pretty relieve about it. Weird right. But I do. All these years I've been feeding him dirty story about me, and now he's reading someone else from the net. I feel freeeeeeeee. But of coz he will show me those story and asked me to read. He said their story was exactly like mine. I read some some of them, but after few stories, I feel like I'm gonna vomit. Giler babas punye citer. And I do have concern that now he knew that he's not the only one who like hiswifefuckingotherman, gave him sort of approval to do that. Like fuckk!!

But so far so good for me. Being in an arguments for few days with him, saved me from doing crazy things. He's stick to the net and I'm spending my time with the kids. Macam giler pervert, but the heck I care. I just need to find serenity while I can and save myself if it's not in an obvious way. Tapi gaduh2 pon..max he can stand pon 3 hari je..mana leh tahan beb! Wa kat umah memang tak pakai ler baju2 kelawar ke..kain batik ngan t-shirt.  Standard memang hotpants, singlet and night dress yg bisa mengerakkan minda dari kapla atas ke kapla bawah. Penties tu memang ler tak pakai. Jimat sabun basuh and softener sket. Kann..

Anyways..agak panjang plak post mengada-ngada  stress ni.. I need to go back now! I purposely go back late today so that he take the chance to manage the routines at home plak. And he's buying satay.. yumsss! I bet he's gonna claim his long reserved fuckinsession tonite!

You have yours too ;) Adios!

hobby mobydick

I recall my childhood  ambition is to be a private investigator. I was so influenced by the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Enid Blyton and Nancy Drew and Alfred Hitchcock..kununn. And one of the thing I learned from all these series, a good private investigator have guts and good hunch. So where the heck all these hunches came from ? I guess based on my experience being a perasan-private-investigator, it is not something you pick up from the sky but rather the passion you have over the facts that you've gathered, supersonic observation to the surrounding and people/subject that evolves around you (hehe), and basically the wind and earth will whisper how and what you should feel and react. Sounds like I'm hallucinating right? Yeah right!

My friend asked me. How do you live this kinda life? Well basically like I said before, I can't run and like there's no way out, so I distract myself from thinking about it too much. I can't be a depressed person all the times as there are many part of me are needed from many people - my family, my kids, my husband, my staff, my friends, my skandels and so many people that want to see me as a happy person. I somehow effect their life to certain extend. I became their perception.

Anyways, now that I blog, it helps as it distracts. But this quarter month end is driving me nuts. The pressure sometimes are unbearable but  no doubt I just like the pressure. They create a genius in me. (perasan tapi betul)..and I'm moving to a totally new role next month and I can feel the pressure and expectation will be so much more..it's a promotion uols :)

And I'm trying to read this book (someone gave it to me), hope it get me back on track coz I've been swayed  too far now. Tapi tulah..tak terbukak-bukak..how? Benda lain yang bukak..It's kinda motivation. My habit is to read in toilet, while doing my business..so you would not want to borrow my berry okay..so I can't really read it in there. My 2 private time are while I'm driving and in bathroom, there rest I belong to others. But I know it's all excuses lah! I need to make time for the book.

Anyways..lately I found a new distraction on this one particular man whom I found him kinda amusing. I can't call it stalking but more of a hobby I guess. Because I don't really expect anything from him and he doesn't really know about me but rather a satisfaction that I get out of it.

Why? Because I finally able to use my guts and hunch of a perasan-investigator to know things about him more than he thought any person should know.. And I'm sooooo satisfied.

I brag about it later. I need to go off now, anak-anak dan bapak anak kelaparan dah kat rumah tu. Bai.

The crown jewel

School hols begin..yayy. Just finished watching a Japanese animated movie Spirited Away with the kids on Astro. They've enjoyed it so much. Miyazaki work memang brilliant, tak pernah lagi rasanya wa tengok kartun sampai ternganga-nganga.

Anyway..a friend of mine called telling that she's moving to one big city in Australia working there for few years. We are close but since we got married, both of us barely have time to catch up with each other due to changes in priority of life. And after years, her first question was "do you still take jamu / maajun / air akar kayu tak? Nak kena kasik pepet ketat la. Where can I buy it? Nak kena beli stock banyak-banyak ni! Kat sana takde kot. So I told her all details, she bought and was so happy about it.

The thing that I wish I could have told her was that, if only she have asked me that questions before she got married. Not that she don't know I'm taking it consistently, but I guess most of my friends thought that taking jamu tu agak conservative (they rather take vitamins), pahit nanti rasa nak muntah, malas, leceh dan macam-macam lagi alasan. All natural things need to be consistence in their intakes so that the effect will be long term. But anyways, better late than never lah.

I had my first experience drinking herbal drink aka air akar kayu since Form 4. I had boils popped out coz my period stopped for many months. So mom took me to see this pokcik where he asked to consume the drink for few months to regulate and cleanse my blood. And thank God, my period came on regular basis and boils were gone. Tapi air tu bau dan rasa dia.. perghhh!! pahit nak mampus. I had to peg my nose hard to drink it and cleanse my mouth with milo (melo) to wash off the bitter taste. But after few months, the taste had became part of my sense, dah takdehal dah. So its like drinking milo instead. And from thereon in air akar kayu I trust..hehe.

The journey doesn't stopped there, I continue to take jamu even during my college years (aka masih berdara) and it didn't stopped till today. It helps to regulate blood circulation and I feel fresh early in the morning. Vitamin tu ada la, tapi bertahun la nak habis. I don't rely on vitamins. But I do take a lot of cod liver oil as it is good for the brain, hair and skin.

So you can imagine when I got married, 'upacara pecah tanah' tu agak mencabar sebab tanah tu keras and cangkul terlekat dalam tanah..siap kena tolak ngan kaki sebab cangkul terlekat..heheh..crap..im kidding okay..hehe

My 1st birth was a c-sec , so the underpart was intact but my 2nd birth was normal delivery. During my confinement days, I got shocked of my life to find my pepet giler lompong okay. I was like OMG what happened to those grip? I cried when I told my late grandmother who used to be a tukang urut and sometimes bidan. So she told me lebih kurang macam ni ye....

"Cu..toksoh dok risau la..nanti dio molek smula la tu..dio tu supo bungo kiambe di sungai..skali perahu lalu..skali dia terbeloh..skali perahu tu gi pahtu kiambe tu dio akan bertaut smula..understang?" She's speaking in Germang okays... 

So I got so panicked that I religiously take air akar kayu / jamu / maajun without fail until today. I can't stand the fact that I have an ungrippo yo!

One more thing my late grandma told me of why we should take those akar kayu, jamu etc. This was what she said ....

"Cu..air akar kayu, daun-daun tu sumo molek.."

That's all I recalled and the rest I forgot how it was spoken in Germang but the gist of it is because they're from plants. And plants act as the preservative and anti-inflammatory agent. Sebab tu kot, orang tua2 makan ulam-ulam utk awet muda. Maybe.

Kegel is also important. It helps to strengthen the pelvic floor. So basically you control your breath and virginal muscle. I can actually do Kegel while typing this though I wish with constant Kegel and jamu can make me write using that grip. Heheh..maybe I should test it! Well.. can actually start with a finger I guess. Hahaha.

Having said all that, I'm far the ideal person to talk about all this. The most important thing being a woman is not just taking care of your pepet/virgina/crown jewel but to take care of your dignity and I'm not all that.

But I'm most thankful to the Creator for giving me the chance to experience and taste 2 magnificent things in life - to gave birth to beautiful babies and to have multiple-Os most of the times.

Happy International Women's Day, whatever it is!!

pour some sugar on me

He's been quite nice to me lately - he bought me a new black dildo. I'm not really sure whether the fact that I was giving him what he wants that makes him joyful or that he finally sees that I'm struggling my ass managing everything to keep the family normal and he's being appreciative about it. Well..I know I'm asking a question where I have an obvious answer.

It's such a huge conflict to my life when on one hand you struggle to keep life as normal as possible and on the other hand you begin to enjoy the other side of life in which you know it's totally wrong. No matter how hard you try to keep your life normal, it just didn't seem to work out because your objectives and his drives are different. I just feel that it keeps pulling me deeper and I'm scare to where it's leading to.

If it's not about sex, we argued, and lately I fight back because I just don't care. But deep down, I don't like it because I know I shouldn't have hurt him as he is my husband who want to see me fuckwithotherman? WTF?? So how? My life is so fucked up like that! But the point that I'm aware it is wrong, works as a gate keeper for me. But how long can I rely to it ? What happen when the gate can no longer hold it and leashed out those vices in me? There's a very fine line that stops me from doing so and I try to be as strong as I could to hold on. Temptation is the word. And I am someone who's libido is like pantang-sentuh-terus-on beb! Haha..and that's a fuckin lie trust me.

I see him as someone who needs medication and his medication is me. He's addicted to me and I'm not curing him but making him worst instead. And the scary part is, I begin to like it - sweet revenge, to do all things he wanted me to do, to listen how he whispered how good I am and how he loves me so much and that he's willing to do anything that I want him to do and as if I have him at my feet (sorry to say this). Seriously, I don't want that, and I never used that power even though I know I can. I don't want to be doomed in hell for that. That's not my purpose of life. I just want a normal happy life like everyone else. But that's the catch, it's like you can have it when you lead it differently, as the way he wants it.

It's sickening, that every time you fuck, you need to have a chat with another guy to get him aroused but I can't deny that when I'm really high, I don't mindfuck about it, and kinda like it anyway and I know guys went crazy over it too. And worst, thing's get more extensive for me - macam main game..the basic levels no longer excites you and you were pushed to move on to more advance level. Like last week, he set up a date for me with one mamat mana ntah. Mental siotsss! But I told him I already made a promise to accompany a friend to meet her client (God saved me). So he's disappointed that I put my friend first before him and started to say bad things about it. It was so annoying okay. So we quarrel for few days, which is good coz I can just ignore him..and because I know he will make his move to reconcile it..3 days (max) after that..with sex of course.

His usual trick - I got angry with him and he didn't touch me so I gersang for few days and find someone else to fuck during that period and he would get that story out when he fucked my brains out. Oh and sorry was never part of the reconciliation process. Just fuck the way he likes and everything will be just fine like nothing had ever happened. And the persuasion goes on and on. As long as I fulfill all his needs, he will be good to me.

So that how it goes. Till when ? Only God knows. Nothing seems to matter that much now. When nights come, all that matter is some good fucks, a bar of MARS choc on bed and beautiful sleep. And girl, that's one secret to your good glow and youthfulness ;)