peace

This mark the new leaf of life and it may not be mainstream.

 

Life change and so does everyone.

Well, talking about change.. I'm changing my car soon. Had an accident early Jan this year, where I got banged on the door side. Pintu kemek la but still..lepas check with the mechanic roughly cost about RM400 to repair and that guy agreed to pay. So to cut long story short, I ask him to help meet that guy coz I was at mom's place. So the guy paid to him the money...and guess what.. the money never reached me and the car never got repaired until today. When I asked where's the money, he said he used it and I never asked him about the money again.

 

Then I had another accident last June. This time I was coming out of a junction and a motorbike hit the car and he flew over and fall on the roadside. I was scared like shit..afraid if I killed him. Luckily the impact was not that strong but still his tyre  bengkok sikit and he had few scratches on the hands. Havoc la jugak tepi jalan tu. I remember I kept on saying sorry to him and checking on him if he's ok to walk and to check on his bike. I could see his legs and hands were trembling, probably he was shocked himself. I felt so bad, really. Then I remember I left my daughter in the car and she was looking at me from the car window. As I ran back to my car, I saw..like OMG!! my car..!! Pintu kemek..spoiler koyak...Aduhaiii...

I took my name card from purse and ran back to that guy who was already surrounded by mamat motor yang lain who's also checking on him. I gave him my card and told him to repair his bike and to see doctor and to contact me for all those charges. He's ok with it. Few days later he called and said it's RM100 damages and I bank in the money into his account. Settled.

 

What's not settled still, were those severe dents and scratches added on to those unrepaired dents from previous accident. It really hurt me to see the car in that conditions. Sedih siotsss!! And the more I look at it, the stronger feeling I got that it's time for me to let her go.

 

The car has been with me for 4 years and I never had any intention of changing it before. Such a loyalist I am. Though I always dream of driving some fancy car, I'm basically a practical person who love simplicity and decency unlike the diva personification people always percept on me. Muahaha? As long as it takes me to place I want to be, I'm good.

2 things about the car ;

 

• She witnessed many life events ; my journey, destinations and passengers that ever sat their assess on the seats.

• Some notty things did occurred in the car too..oh well

• It's kinda private space. I talk to myself in that car. I feel its vacuum space helps me to listen to myself better. I'm pretty sure that she laughed at me listening to silly stuff I said or perhaps praying for all my uttered hopes.

So..I bid you farewell my dear car. Thank you for all those wonder years we've been together. I hope you will find a good owner that will take care of you well as much as you will take care of him/her.

 

masih adakah cinta

Jiweng seh..tittle tu..tapi layan je ler..

Sebenarnya, malas dah nak hupdate dah blog ni. Maybe coz the fact that my life is getting better?

Everyday is a compact activity for me. And I slot time to write this, just because I feel like it :)

When it comes to weekend, lagi la super compact nye. Sometimes, during weekend, all I want to have is an hour of sleep lepas lunch..macam ular sawa..kasik perut buncit sket..uhh bliss..what more if its raining. Nyaman seh!

But since I don't have any bibik to help, semua house chores kena la buat. And while doing that, kita kasik multi tasking la jugak ; the kids need to do their homework or work assessment. I don't have time to send them to tuition, lagi pon mak dia pandai, apa kes nak anto budak2 ni pi tuition. All you need is time and consistency and LOTSSS of patience. Stress weiii ajor budak2 ni. Then kena bawak kids jalan-jalan lagi, kalau tak bawak merajuk. Malam kalau tak melayan bapak budak pulak, merajuk jugak. Tapi by the time malam, your body is too tired and you can't even open your eyes. Nak tak nak you open your legs je la. Settle! Everyone's happy and life feels complete.

Few things I've experienced and learn - it's all in your heart. You have to be true to yourself. You can lie to others but you can never lie to your heart, because when you do, your mind and body will get confused, and so do your actions and things that evolve around you. Life revolves and depend a lot from our action and reaction, consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously..boleh?. Things can move and change, but what remains and need to be firm is what lies in your heart. It needs to stay pure. Not saying this to make me sounds macam bagus..at least that is what I want to achieve. Not an easy task really.

When I read back my previous post, a lot of things I hope, though I never thought would happen, tend to fit it all well.

I was hoping that he would change, and yes he slowly is. My heart always says to fight back and I did, overcoming my fear of brutality and what ever that may comes. I came to realized that there might be some slack in the way he was brought up during his chilhood. I just want to make sure that won't happen to my kids. The way he feels inferior by cursing me or belittle me in any ways in front of the kids. It was a tough fight to make sure the kids didn't absorb that.

I begin to ask myself. When will I open my heart to love him? Or did I ever love him? How would I do that? I know I still can't say I love him till today. It's not healthy living this way. I came to a point that since I can't leave him, I need to make him a man that I can love and live with. I need to change him if not fully at least to an acceptable level where my heart can open for him. I can’t dictate my heart how to feel coz it has its own life to see if he fits in there for me. But technically, I can work to change him, I think.

He knows that I'm financially independent but I'm not giving him the thoughts that he can uplift his commitments too. He was not that helpful when I had financial hard times. I don't keep grudge towards him, just that he needs to learn his lesson.

My life is much more peaceful now. I no longer need to depict him with fantasy of me fucking man. And all those men, gradually disappeared from my life. I totally enjoyed the dismissal part. They begged and ask for reasons, and I make it less painful gitu..hahaha..biasala..dalam kepala hotak derang citer nak main je..tapi lu berlakon wa pon berlakon bro! I even use script that my ex-bf used when he ditched me long time ago for a woman with bigger breast on them. Hah! Fuck la!

So what I need to do now is that I need to make a deal with him. Worst case an ultimatum, in which I need to write about this, so it’s documented. It's now my game! I set the rules. And the objective is our happiness as a family. My kids need a happy family and I need a man that I can love and live with till I grow old.

I've given him my many years satisfying his fucked up sex fantasy and the time is up.. He needs to deal with his fucked up sex crave on his own now.

Then only my heart will open for him again.

closing/opening

Yeah I know it has been awhile. Thanks for asking. Sweetness.

Dec is the busiest month, sebab year end kan..ramai orang jadik paranoid, sarcastic dan giler dalam mengejar revenue. If only many local companies have the same working culture, drive, responsibility memang la business berkembang maju. Tapi most of local companies, agak lavish. They spent more on unnecessary things dari sebesar expense to smallest i.e renovation bilik meeting dah juta-juta, beli kereta mewah, golf club la sampai la ke barang pantry macam melo, kopi, gula susu yang almost 20% akan disapu oleh staff or makcik tealady or cleaner. Kenapa tak spend more on staff skill development and R&D? Ni sumer ada long term ROI for stability and sustainability.

Anywaysss..

Few days after the last post, health has not been really good for me but I'm fully recovered now, alhamdulillah. Macam-macam sakit dapat. Ada yang maybe airborne and some penyakit yang carik sendiri.

First, I got sick due to infections in my urine or scientifically Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) or bahasa melayunye kencing kotor. Catalystnye adalah sejenis bacteria E-Coli. Rasanya dia selalu lepak di area-area seperti toilet or in contaminated food or drinks or tools? It's a common bacteria yang baru wa tahu amat powers okay. 

Anyway, sebagai seorang yg amat menjaga kebersihan alat-alat sulit ni, E-Coli memberi tamparan hebat kepada ego wanita saya. Root cause nye..penyakit carik sendiri sebab malam sebelum tu ada aktiviti sex lasak yang melibatkan pelbagai equipment and it was beyond my control to do some QC checks prior to any insertions or penetrations. Haihh..bak kata orang tua2..kuah lauk tu pakai sudu lain-lain..jangan campur..nanti basi..tapi yela..kadang dah lapar sangat..gelojoh..belasah je.. tu la jadinya..

So the next morning, I almost faint, sebab the bacteria was moving too fast in my body. Kencing memang kaw-kaw takleh tahan..nasib baik ada sanitary pad..and by evening..my urine already contain blood siots..Sakit nye ya memang la sangat sakit..sampai ketar-ketar la nak membuang air kecik tu. I can't imagine if UTI kena kat lelaki..nak pakai pad pon tak seswai..maybe kena pakai pampers or balut pad tu kat kepala tutt kot. Anyways, before 4pm I went back and drove straight to see the doc. So dia check air kencing, memang la kotor. Kasik ubat cam air garam ke hapa and few pills. By that time, memang dah demam dah. So balik tido. It took almost 3 days to recover. Dalam masa 3 hari tu, request-request untuk bersenggama tu, memang la di reject. I told him kena sex ban for 1 year sebab dia tak exercise hygine in sex activities, sebab tu I dapat UTI. But then, seperti biasa la, wa kena tuduh sebab wa pi main merata dengan jantans mana. Righttt!!! Malas la nak defend, so wa cuti sex la for few weeks. Best! Sebenarnya memang malas nak layan, bukan apa kadang bila dia high tu..dia buat wa macam wa ni rabbit iklan energizer tu..selagi batteri tak abis..selagi tu la..dia dok ketuk drum tu. Please sayang.. you so good sayang..pujuk rayu seorang yang kuat nafsunya kepada seekor rabbit yang bermain drum tanpa hentinya. Trauma beb! Thinking that you have to go through such a long and weird sex session just to satisfy him. Oh tolong!

Then after a week just when I was about to regain energy and kick some asses, I was hit by strong vertigo. I remember that night, I came back home a bit late. Just right after I stepped into the house, he said something that triggered the strong pain in my head and it started to spin. I can't remember which one was that - either the part he was angry coz he booked spa room for a man masseur to massage me and I came back late, so cancel (actually memang saje) or the part he was teasing me as my petticoat’s lace was torn (tak perasan) and I that I got no money to buy and was humiliating me infront of my kids, so not sure which one was the cause. So I quickly hit the shower and lied down and tried to sleep. But even when I closed my eyes, I can feel things like spinning and it caused me nause and nak muntah. Dah la balik lapar..tapi tak larat nak makan. I tried to sleep feeling hungry, frustrated and really down.

So the next day, I couldn't walk and woke up coz the vertigo was getting worst. I had my daughter and him to carry me to see doctor. So doctor gave some meds to stop the nausea feel, some other ubat-ubatan. Baru la ada selera nak makan, else makan je nak muntah and some energy. So I basically rest, tido and lied down tengok tv je. I got my lovely daughter took care of me, alhamdulliah.

Then after few days, dah sihat la sket and since he was craving for my petpet for few weeks dy, kita lunaskanlah those overdues. Sebab dah overdue, banyak la requestnya. Ni lagi satu nak highlight, activiti oral sebenarnya tak berapa nak hygiene jugak ye. It can exposed you to lots of oral disease too seperti sakit tekak dan batuk (to exhume the phlegm) . For example, if the IT is not in clean condition, or if you suck and dip and suck again, pon kena jugak. Or if you got semen stuck in your throat, it could give you sore throat jugak. So sapa yang kena? Mak jugakk... yang kena sakit nye dik oiii! Lelaki tak kena nye sakit tekak dan batuk berpanjangan, unless you go and suck some other dick (gay yo!) or you can suck your own dick (either IT is that looong..it still gay practice yo!). So I got batuk-batuk kaler kuning immediately the next morning and was down with fever for 2- 3 days. Doctor tak kasik antibiotic coz it's still new, so deman recover nye cepat tapi batuknya..panjang bawak ke 3 minggu nak hilang. Penat dok batuk-batuk. Nak meeting pon payah la..caner nak maintain muka hayu tiber batuk kong kong.

Tula, citernya. Sakit-sakit pon, tugas-tugas penting sebagai ibu-isteri-boss tetap kita teruskan. Itulah perjuangan hidup namanya. (*hugs myself). Many depend on me and likewise too, to move on with our lifes.

He asked me yesterday, why I never kiss him before went to bed. You never did love me right? You're arrogant! I love you so much you know.

I still can't answer him. I asked my heart..did I not love him? Did the reason he asked was because he's not feeling love out of me? Maybe. I do love him, whatever that mean. But I just feel something is missing, seolah-olah cinta itu hilang rohnya.(cewah). It seems like the essence of it was just not there. You know, when you love someone you can just smile thinking of that person. I wish I can. Maybe I just need time. No doubt he has done lot to me despite all stuff I wrote in this blog. I continue this life thinking of good things he have done, for real. I can't live long and with sanity, if I would be living thinking of bad things that he did. For that, it's between me and him and I will always forgive him and hope that Allah forgives me for that.

He's my husband to whom I suppose to think of above anything. And how can I do that when he keep on reminding me to be with other men? He admitted that he's weird and will get mad if I pretend not to understand his needs. But how can you not sympathize when your husband beg you? It's hard really.

And in the end, when all weirdness normalizes, what becomes you?

Happy New Year sumer. Semoga tahun yang lebih baik for all of us. Bye and be good.

* tis one can surely make me smile and perasan sekejap

Wishing for better horizon

I have this urge feeling in need to make something extraordinaire for good closure. Something to proof to myself that I'm not really a burden or something that my kids or him to be proud of. Entah la, I used to be so ambitious about making good things for the society but then lepas kawin, it's all about the family. Family is the priority. Tapi kadang sedih la jugak, though you know you tried your best to take care of them, gave them all that they need, they still feel it wasn't enough. You feel frustrated and sad, because you still need their love in return to rejuvenate all the strength and effort that you've put through. Tapi yela, it all will just pass by. Like many mothers and wife, they are full of love, sadness and frustrations are just like drops of water into the sea. There's so much love inside and they continue to poor it la kan.

Versus if you making deeds to charity org or some strangers, the satisfactions is all yours. There's no one is putting expectation on you except yourself. I did some charity work before with unfortunate kids and homeless (golongan bergelendangan - weird words tho). You felt satisfied that you have helped them in anyway you can. To see some smiles and hope in their eyes. It gives you perspectives of lifes that you'd never thought off. And I would came back home to share my experience with my kids on how lucky they are and the need to help whoever that in need. That we need not to be millionaire to do that. Our contributions can be in terms of taxes, zakat, emotional and physical support. There's 2 things I want them to do before and after they are on their own - first is to travel out of country and 2nd to volunteer for charity work.

I still feel that I need to do more than that. Bila ada email on charity work, meloncat2 hati ni hah nak pi. Tapi tu lah, hal kat rumah pon nak kena juggle sebab wa made up the statistic parents yang maidless. So need to put things in place dulu, then can think of other people, and so he said, which is true in some way.

Menjelang ujung tahun ni la, I'm starting to review when I actually can make it to 5 figure. I know I can make in in another 2 years or maybe 1 1/2 years. It comes along with pressure and expectation. Am I ready? Mendengar dan melihat rakan-rakan kerja yang blah after being offered 5 figure salary ni memang la teruja. Market macam tu la agaknya. Best friends pon ramai dah set-set 5 figure and some tak main dah MYR nih, memangla rasa tempted gilo nak mengejar duit. Sapa tanak gila la. And at same time you start to question, what makes you slow in climbing the ladder and whether that justify to some incapabalities in you? Tula, wasting time dok melayan nafsu jantans, otak jadi tak focus la. Gamaknya ler. Not that I regret, it's just something that I need to go through I guess. You don't really have manual in store to guide you through those morbidness anyway.

I guess, when I have more money which comes which higher job profile, I can have more time to do charity work, I hope. Jadi boss besar ni sebenarnya kerja less hectic than boss kecik. Pressure je kena manage. Ala..stress-stress wa DIY dapat multiple-O sette ahh.. Idea pon datang melimpah ruah. Muahahha

Boss besar ni keje dia kena good in strategizing and need to have experts that are good in giving advises. Network kena powers to get things done.  Then ensure execution jalan. Sapa tak buat kerja, off with his head gitew! Hahahaha! Bitch giler!

OK la sempena menyambut Awal Muharram dan hujung tahun yang semakin dekat ni, Marissa ingin salam-salam la, dan ucapkan selamat untuk semua dan semoga kita menjadi hamba-Nya yang diberi petunjuk yang benar dalam setiap kebenaran dan juga dalam setiap kebatilan, panjang umur dan diberkati hidup hendaknya.

Selamat bercuti semua. Wa cuti dah abis, so cuti skola cover weekend dan area dekat-dekat je. Tapi budak2 ni janji ada swimming pool or pantai suka sangat dah! Ok la daaa...

Giving out foods to homeless near Puduraya. Another life and light of KL 

heart for thoughts

Alhamdulillah my dad's heart operations went well. Nama panjang operation tu ialah Coronory Artery Bypass Graft (CABG). They took veins from his leg and replaced it with 3 stems that were blocked in his heart (lebih kurang camtu la).

So I took 1 week leave and flew over to my hometown in Edinburgh Scotland (tipu). He went with me for 3 days and I'm glad coz he's around. My siblings were all there too.

My dad came to concious a day after, but he was a bit groggy and moody but overall he's ok. It was a taxing week - woke up at 6am and came back from hospital late night by 12 or 1am everyday. Kaki dah melecet asik tawaf hospital, jalan sana sini settling things and badan pon makin penat. There's one night, while me and my siblings were walking back to our car, my bro said he saw 'something' at the hospital. Jeng jeng jeng...

I asked him ' awak nampak Ju-On ke? Dia cakap haah.

I asked him again ' Dekat corrider tu ke? Dia cakap Haah

Dia buat apa? Wa tanye.

My bro said ' dia tengah duduk mencangkung kat ujung corridor tu, muka macam blur, pakai baju uniform hospital'

So we all like Okayyyy...I told him that I had goosebumps when passing that corridor. Tapi sebab takde tempat lain dah nak lalu bila malam..so terpaksa la lalu..so dah immune.

After 3 days, him, all my bro and sis dah balik. Tinggal la wa bersama ibu tiri wa menjaga ayah. And because I'm the last to stay keje wa memang asik to and fro to airport jela, to fetch and send them, since sumer timing tak sama. Haihh.. Masa derang takde la kipas aircond kereta jem and so kereta pon overheat la plak. Terpaksa la wa berenti tepi jalan, pi beli air mineral 5.5litre isi dalam karburator..ke radiotor? Ntah... So tu wa tunggu la nanti my bro balik untuk repair.

Seminggu tak kerja memang la best, dapat melepak dengan my siblings yang ramai tu and most of all with me dad. Everytime he wanted to cough, he need to press the small pillow onto his chest. He also need to exercise his lung using spirometer. His chest was binded with vest, so he feel a bit comfortable. The doctors were all nice people and we had interesting conversation about life. And sebab doc tu foreigner we ended up speaking Landen la..Mmmmm..The joy we get is to see patients recover and go back home happily - kata doktor itu. Yayaya. And Its logic and common sense that when you see you dad need to go surgery like this, that you stop smoking? He was referring to other patients, tapi mak sentap la kejap. Huhu. Doktor ni macam tau la plak.

Bila balik tu tengok email inbox yang beribu riban, tiber je rasa sesak nafas. Haihh..Just called me mom, and dad will be discharged today. Alhamdulillah. I pray and hope that he will be a better person than he used to be, since dah given 2nd chance and pakai recycle parts ni kan..

Till we meet again.





We were not in Sibu, but my bro saw this that night and was excited as he claimed he saw UFO siotss.. We laughed calling him delusional sbb masa kecik tak dapat jumpa UFO. Skali esoknya..keluar paper daa..they said it's object pegun. Tapi my bro said pegun apanya..siap leh round round naik atas bawah lagi..he still insist that was a UFO and he's the chosen one kunun..And tis is far more gempakk than nampak Ju-On..Hahaha..ape ape la bang oii..janji happy.

I guess, there's always miracles and things that transcended our mind that we tend to forget, lies somewhere to remind us how small we are and such limited knowledge we have to even imagine about it. And as long as we know that's the fact, we need to keep our humanity and strive for knowledge. Macam cikgu la plak.. Ok la bye.