deception

I can't recall how many times I called my mom and dad or even whatsup my sis to tell them how unhappy I am with my life. Those calls were made at point when I was struggling and desperately looking for something to hold on to so that my head didn't went crazy. The pain and sufferings were too much for this little chest of mine to bare it alone. I told them that I was so unhappy with my life and I don't know how I can go on living in this sad life. And even tough I have my kids that give strength to me, it's just like a stick to support me from falling and to just carry on living life the way it is. That's all.

 

And the best advice they can give is...sabarrrr..be patience. Think about the kids..etc. I understand that they felt sorry about my life and that there's nothing much they can help. So I guess, at that moment I've lost all my hope and I've just lost everything. Once you get married and with all those responsibilities to your husband and kids, you just lost everything about yourself. You entitled for nothing except serving them. I understand about compromise, tolerance and all that shit, but when you're in my situation you realized they are all bullshit.

Once you start giving, there's no end to it. Being nice is a weakness. You'll get used until there's nothing left to give except yourself and then you'll feel worthless and just live with no value as if you're a zombie. No feeling, only numbness. What's most hurtful is the emptiness inside you. Physically you're needed by everyone, but inside there's nothing. Just sadness. Every night I would cry thinking about happiness that I don't understand. Apakah..?? No one would understand. People would probably say I'm over-reacting and selfish. But can't I? Can I just have my own happiness? If I make mistakes again in finding them, well at least it is my own fault rather than having someone treating you as a faulty item to be used for his amusement.

 

Last week, went to my Mom's place and my dad asked me. Why do you look like you're unhappy? And I just smiled and told him that this few months were very hectic months with mounting pressures and that the workload was so stressful and all. I can't recalled what was his feedback as I was trying to make a quick exit out of that conversation.

 

I've already stopped turning to them when I feel suffocated. There's no point for me to burden them with my pathetic life, leaving them feeling bad later because they're not able to help me. And that's the more reason for me to just pretend that life is getting better. That I'm so good at deceiving everyone and I forgot that I deceived myself too. I keep on telling myself that life is good, and you couldn't get so much better than this, that..you know every one has their own challenges in life and that what's you're facing is fair. So I just thought well..so be it. If life's a bitch, I just need to live as it is. I stopped thinking about having my own happiness of life because I just don't know what it is anymore. For me, what I'm having now is happiness.

 

Even though, he already stopped pushing me for chats or pics or arranging me for some fucks, apparently the sickness just don't die. I was wrong to think that he has changed. He didn't. It just got his way round but it's still the same. I can't recall how many times he fucked me hard saying that that's the way how those omputih colleague of mine would do me. And I just would agree with him so that the session would end fast. Or how he would shoves all those toys inside me hard, until I can't hardly breathe. And if I tried to push his hands he would be pissed about it, saying that I wouldn't behave that way if it's with all those guys.

I can't remember how many times I have said that I hate him silently, every time he asked me to change my undies or my jeans or my shirt to something more sexy or shorter or transparent for pleasure of others. I hate him so much for asking me to do all this, though I know I'm at guilt too for submitting to him. I am wrong. So that's how it was last few month. Things back to before, he still belittle me like calling me stupid, no brain etc and criticizing every single things I did at home or with kids. And when he was angry with me, we didn't talk at all but he would divert his angerness to the kids which made the kids more confused. Things get reconciled, as usual via sex. Of course he would expect that I had few fucks with other man during those fights period in which drive him to fuck me more. His new game now is to have a man masseur to massage me. He said he love to see me being massaged by a man, to see how the masseur would perspired hard while massaging my back and buttocks. He even asked me to hold his cock while he's massaging. He said they all wouldn't mind. And if I did that, I would probably get some finger fuck massage and that would be great to him. (of coz he would implied it as if it's good for me). Everything about me is about sex and satisfying his sex crave. If I asked him to help buy something for me he would asked for trade. Like he said that he would treat me with full body massage but I need to be massged by a man. Or like if he asked me to send him my petpetpic, he would say that he would buy me dinner but if I send him my vid fingerfucking myself doggie style he would buy me things. So it's like that. Nothing's free from him. It all a trade.

I remember last Raya, we were shopping for kids clothes. I told him that I bought some and he need to also pay for some coz last year I was the one who spent for all their clothes. So he said fine.

He chose a pair of baju kurung for my eldest daughter and said that I should also buy a pair so that I can wear same pattern as my daughter. Well, I was so happy about it and ask him to buy for me. He said..baju you.. you bayar la! I just smiled as I thought he was joking. So he queued at the cashier and put both clothes, my daughter's and mine on the counter. Then he pushed aside and told the cashier that he's paying for this one and the other one I would paying. Good fuck! I didn't know how to react. Cashier tu pon confuse. Wa sebak giler duhh..sedih ada.. malu pon ada. So mak pon terhegeh-hegeh la keluar kan duit bayar baju kurung rege dalam RM150 je.

I can see my daughter's face changed. As I was walking towards car, I told her that the only piece of clothes that his father ever bought me was kain baju kurung hantaran kawin. And even that clothes ruined because my previous maid washed it in the washing machine. So that was pretty sad la. Like he always said to me that I don't even deserve a dowry. What he paid for my hantaran or mas kahwin was so overrated because I'm a used stuff. So sometimes mak marah la jugak..asik cakap benda sama over and over again. Well..you pon sama la macam orang lain!! Bayar je one off..pastu pakai pon recycle jugak!! So sama je la u dengan jantan lain. Free la jugak.

Ntah la mak geram nokss!! So I guess he didn't brought that issue again anymore. Knowing him, he probably thought I'm right. That what he paid has good returned investment. Over years I already depreciated it's value, but the scrap of me is still usable. So meaning, barang free beb.. pastu siap boleh pakai sesuka hati.

After all these years, I can say that I myself have turned into a sex addict. Ade ke eh?? I get highly stimulated sometimes and I just can hold myself to just have a good fuck.

Sometimes bila dah tak tahan, I would just suck his dick for it to get a hard on and sit on him to satisfy my crave. And he would just smile, loving my act macam orang sasau gilabatang! While working on my act, he got really excited asking me questions like..sapa fingerfuck you baby? who lick your ass baby?? tell me! tell me..arghh malas la nak layan soklan2 tu.. sbb wa tengah high la..

There were times that I was so fucked up and need some dick to satisfy me, but he was tired and want to sleep. So he would give me those dildos and asked me to fucked myself or go and fucked someone the next day. Wa tak tahan la weiii, so kena amik sendiri la dalam almari tu. Actually memang genius la sapa yg create dildo ni. Kalau boleh wa nak kasik Nobel Prize kat inventor dildo ni. So lepas dah kena multiple O baru la boleh tido dengan aman damai. Dunia tiba2 terasa indah dan berpelangi gitewww.. so camtu la. Tu happiness la tu kannnn..

So that's how I deceive myself everyday, that's how I keep on telling myself that this is life and that is the happiness for me and I just need to get used to it. There's nothing in life that I looked forward to.

 

And when I do feel at the edge sometimes, I do hope that I would just die but when I think about my kids, that they still need me, I continue living.

 

Last time, there's not a single day that I slept not cursing him and thinking about escaping from him. Having my own life and finding my own happiness. Now I no longer dream. I just don't really care anymore. No one does anyways. They all have their own life issues.

 

And I'm just too tired of finding my way out. I guess I'm beginning to get used to live under his suspicion, taking all blames for every single mistakes, getting used to being used by him or in fact by every man I met.

Probably I deserve it. Probably that is happiness.  

Hey

I think I'm gonna write again.

World is not flat and there are still stories to tell :)

peace

This mark the new leaf of life and it may not be mainstream.

 

Life change and so does everyone.

Well, talking about change.. I'm changing my car soon. Had an accident early Jan this year, where I got banged on the door side. Pintu kemek la but still..lepas check with the mechanic roughly cost about RM400 to repair and that guy agreed to pay. So to cut long story short, I ask him to help meet that guy coz I was at mom's place. So the guy paid to him the money...and guess what.. the money never reached me and the car never got repaired until today. When I asked where's the money, he said he used it and I never asked him about the money again.

 

Then I had another accident last June. This time I was coming out of a junction and a motorbike hit the car and he flew over and fall on the roadside. I was scared like shit..afraid if I killed him. Luckily the impact was not that strong but still his tyre  bengkok sikit and he had few scratches on the hands. Havoc la jugak tepi jalan tu. I remember I kept on saying sorry to him and checking on him if he's ok to walk and to check on his bike. I could see his legs and hands were trembling, probably he was shocked himself. I felt so bad, really. Then I remember I left my daughter in the car and she was looking at me from the car window. As I ran back to my car, I saw..like OMG!! my car..!! Pintu kemek..spoiler koyak...Aduhaiii...

I took my name card from purse and ran back to that guy who was already surrounded by mamat motor yang lain who's also checking on him. I gave him my card and told him to repair his bike and to see doctor and to contact me for all those charges. He's ok with it. Few days later he called and said it's RM100 damages and I bank in the money into his account. Settled.

 

What's not settled still, were those severe dents and scratches added on to those unrepaired dents from previous accident. It really hurt me to see the car in that conditions. Sedih siotsss!! And the more I look at it, the stronger feeling I got that it's time for me to let her go.

 

The car has been with me for 4 years and I never had any intention of changing it before. Such a loyalist I am. Though I always dream of driving some fancy car, I'm basically a practical person who love simplicity and decency unlike the diva personification people always percept on me. Muahaha? As long as it takes me to place I want to be, I'm good.

2 things about the car ;

 

• She witnessed many life events ; my journey, destinations and passengers that ever sat their assess on the seats.

• Some notty things did occurred in the car too..oh well

• It's kinda private space. I talk to myself in that car. I feel its vacuum space helps me to listen to myself better. I'm pretty sure that she laughed at me listening to silly stuff I said or perhaps praying for all my uttered hopes.

So..I bid you farewell my dear car. Thank you for all those wonder years we've been together. I hope you will find a good owner that will take care of you well as much as you will take care of him/her.

 

masih adakah cinta

Jiweng seh..tittle tu..tapi layan je ler..

Sebenarnya, malas dah nak hupdate dah blog ni. Maybe coz the fact that my life is getting better?

Everyday is a compact activity for me. And I slot time to write this, just because I feel like it :)

When it comes to weekend, lagi la super compact nye. Sometimes, during weekend, all I want to have is an hour of sleep lepas lunch..macam ular sawa..kasik perut buncit sket..uhh bliss..what more if its raining. Nyaman seh!

But since I don't have any bibik to help, semua house chores kena la buat. And while doing that, kita kasik multi tasking la jugak ; the kids need to do their homework or work assessment. I don't have time to send them to tuition, lagi pon mak dia pandai, apa kes nak anto budak2 ni pi tuition. All you need is time and consistency and LOTSSS of patience. Stress weiii ajor budak2 ni. Then kena bawak kids jalan-jalan lagi, kalau tak bawak merajuk. Malam kalau tak melayan bapak budak pulak, merajuk jugak. Tapi by the time malam, your body is too tired and you can't even open your eyes. Nak tak nak you open your legs je la. Settle! Everyone's happy and life feels complete.

Few things I've experienced and learn - it's all in your heart. You have to be true to yourself. You can lie to others but you can never lie to your heart, because when you do, your mind and body will get confused, and so do your actions and things that evolve around you. Life revolves and depend a lot from our action and reaction, consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously..boleh?. Things can move and change, but what remains and need to be firm is what lies in your heart. It needs to stay pure. Not saying this to make me sounds macam bagus..at least that is what I want to achieve. Not an easy task really.

When I read back my previous post, a lot of things I hope, though I never thought would happen, tend to fit it all well.

I was hoping that he would change, and yes he slowly is. My heart always says to fight back and I did, overcoming my fear of brutality and what ever that may comes. I came to realized that there might be some slack in the way he was brought up during his chilhood. I just want to make sure that won't happen to my kids. The way he feels inferior by cursing me or belittle me in any ways in front of the kids. It was a tough fight to make sure the kids didn't absorb that.

I begin to ask myself. When will I open my heart to love him? Or did I ever love him? How would I do that? I know I still can't say I love him till today. It's not healthy living this way. I came to a point that since I can't leave him, I need to make him a man that I can love and live with. I need to change him if not fully at least to an acceptable level where my heart can open for him. I can’t dictate my heart how to feel coz it has its own life to see if he fits in there for me. But technically, I can work to change him, I think.

He knows that I'm financially independent but I'm not giving him the thoughts that he can uplift his commitments too. He was not that helpful when I had financial hard times. I don't keep grudge towards him, just that he needs to learn his lesson.

My life is much more peaceful now. I no longer need to depict him with fantasy of me fucking man. And all those men, gradually disappeared from my life. I totally enjoyed the dismissal part. They begged and ask for reasons, and I make it less painful gitu..hahaha..biasala..dalam kepala hotak derang citer nak main je..tapi lu berlakon wa pon berlakon bro! I even use script that my ex-bf used when he ditched me long time ago for a woman with bigger breast on them. Hah! Fuck la!

So what I need to do now is that I need to make a deal with him. Worst case an ultimatum, in which I need to write about this, so it’s documented. It's now my game! I set the rules. And the objective is our happiness as a family. My kids need a happy family and I need a man that I can love and live with till I grow old.

I've given him my many years satisfying his fucked up sex fantasy and the time is up.. He needs to deal with his fucked up sex crave on his own now.

Then only my heart will open for him again.

closing/opening

Yeah I know it has been awhile. Thanks for asking. Sweetness.

Dec is the busiest month, sebab year end kan..ramai orang jadik paranoid, sarcastic dan giler dalam mengejar revenue. If only many local companies have the same working culture, drive, responsibility memang la business berkembang maju. Tapi most of local companies, agak lavish. They spent more on unnecessary things dari sebesar expense to smallest i.e renovation bilik meeting dah juta-juta, beli kereta mewah, golf club la sampai la ke barang pantry macam melo, kopi, gula susu yang almost 20% akan disapu oleh staff or makcik tealady or cleaner. Kenapa tak spend more on staff skill development and R&D? Ni sumer ada long term ROI for stability and sustainability.

Anywaysss..

Few days after the last post, health has not been really good for me but I'm fully recovered now, alhamdulillah. Macam-macam sakit dapat. Ada yang maybe airborne and some penyakit yang carik sendiri.

First, I got sick due to infections in my urine or scientifically Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) or bahasa melayunye kencing kotor. Catalystnye adalah sejenis bacteria E-Coli. Rasanya dia selalu lepak di area-area seperti toilet or in contaminated food or drinks or tools? It's a common bacteria yang baru wa tahu amat powers okay. 

Anyway, sebagai seorang yg amat menjaga kebersihan alat-alat sulit ni, E-Coli memberi tamparan hebat kepada ego wanita saya. Root cause nye..penyakit carik sendiri sebab malam sebelum tu ada aktiviti sex lasak yang melibatkan pelbagai equipment and it was beyond my control to do some QC checks prior to any insertions or penetrations. Haihh..bak kata orang tua2..kuah lauk tu pakai sudu lain-lain..jangan campur..nanti basi..tapi yela..kadang dah lapar sangat..gelojoh..belasah je.. tu la jadinya..

So the next morning, I almost faint, sebab the bacteria was moving too fast in my body. Kencing memang kaw-kaw takleh tahan..nasib baik ada sanitary pad..and by evening..my urine already contain blood siots..Sakit nye ya memang la sangat sakit..sampai ketar-ketar la nak membuang air kecik tu. I can't imagine if UTI kena kat lelaki..nak pakai pad pon tak seswai..maybe kena pakai pampers or balut pad tu kat kepala tutt kot. Anyways, before 4pm I went back and drove straight to see the doc. So dia check air kencing, memang la kotor. Kasik ubat cam air garam ke hapa and few pills. By that time, memang dah demam dah. So balik tido. It took almost 3 days to recover. Dalam masa 3 hari tu, request-request untuk bersenggama tu, memang la di reject. I told him kena sex ban for 1 year sebab dia tak exercise hygine in sex activities, sebab tu I dapat UTI. But then, seperti biasa la, wa kena tuduh sebab wa pi main merata dengan jantans mana. Righttt!!! Malas la nak defend, so wa cuti sex la for few weeks. Best! Sebenarnya memang malas nak layan, bukan apa kadang bila dia high tu..dia buat wa macam wa ni rabbit iklan energizer tu..selagi batteri tak abis..selagi tu la..dia dok ketuk drum tu. Please sayang.. you so good sayang..pujuk rayu seorang yang kuat nafsunya kepada seekor rabbit yang bermain drum tanpa hentinya. Trauma beb! Thinking that you have to go through such a long and weird sex session just to satisfy him. Oh tolong!

Then after a week just when I was about to regain energy and kick some asses, I was hit by strong vertigo. I remember that night, I came back home a bit late. Just right after I stepped into the house, he said something that triggered the strong pain in my head and it started to spin. I can't remember which one was that - either the part he was angry coz he booked spa room for a man masseur to massage me and I came back late, so cancel (actually memang saje) or the part he was teasing me as my petticoat’s lace was torn (tak perasan) and I that I got no money to buy and was humiliating me infront of my kids, so not sure which one was the cause. So I quickly hit the shower and lied down and tried to sleep. But even when I closed my eyes, I can feel things like spinning and it caused me nause and nak muntah. Dah la balik lapar..tapi tak larat nak makan. I tried to sleep feeling hungry, frustrated and really down.

So the next day, I couldn't walk and woke up coz the vertigo was getting worst. I had my daughter and him to carry me to see doctor. So doctor gave some meds to stop the nausea feel, some other ubat-ubatan. Baru la ada selera nak makan, else makan je nak muntah and some energy. So I basically rest, tido and lied down tengok tv je. I got my lovely daughter took care of me, alhamdulliah.

Then after few days, dah sihat la sket and since he was craving for my petpet for few weeks dy, kita lunaskanlah those overdues. Sebab dah overdue, banyak la requestnya. Ni lagi satu nak highlight, activiti oral sebenarnya tak berapa nak hygiene jugak ye. It can exposed you to lots of oral disease too seperti sakit tekak dan batuk (to exhume the phlegm) . For example, if the IT is not in clean condition, or if you suck and dip and suck again, pon kena jugak. Or if you got semen stuck in your throat, it could give you sore throat jugak. So sapa yang kena? Mak jugakk... yang kena sakit nye dik oiii! Lelaki tak kena nye sakit tekak dan batuk berpanjangan, unless you go and suck some other dick (gay yo!) or you can suck your own dick (either IT is that looong..it still gay practice yo!). So I got batuk-batuk kaler kuning immediately the next morning and was down with fever for 2- 3 days. Doctor tak kasik antibiotic coz it's still new, so deman recover nye cepat tapi batuknya..panjang bawak ke 3 minggu nak hilang. Penat dok batuk-batuk. Nak meeting pon payah la..caner nak maintain muka hayu tiber batuk kong kong.

Tula, citernya. Sakit-sakit pon, tugas-tugas penting sebagai ibu-isteri-boss tetap kita teruskan. Itulah perjuangan hidup namanya. (*hugs myself). Many depend on me and likewise too, to move on with our lifes.

He asked me yesterday, why I never kiss him before went to bed. You never did love me right? You're arrogant! I love you so much you know.

I still can't answer him. I asked my heart..did I not love him? Did the reason he asked was because he's not feeling love out of me? Maybe. I do love him, whatever that mean. But I just feel something is missing, seolah-olah cinta itu hilang rohnya.(cewah). It seems like the essence of it was just not there. You know, when you love someone you can just smile thinking of that person. I wish I can. Maybe I just need time. No doubt he has done lot to me despite all stuff I wrote in this blog. I continue this life thinking of good things he have done, for real. I can't live long and with sanity, if I would be living thinking of bad things that he did. For that, it's between me and him and I will always forgive him and hope that Allah forgives me for that.

He's my husband to whom I suppose to think of above anything. And how can I do that when he keep on reminding me to be with other men? He admitted that he's weird and will get mad if I pretend not to understand his needs. But how can you not sympathize when your husband beg you? It's hard really.

And in the end, when all weirdness normalizes, what becomes you?

Happy New Year sumer. Semoga tahun yang lebih baik for all of us. Bye and be good.

* tis one can surely make me smile and perasan sekejap