This is it baby!

Well..it's been a loooong time. I even forgot my gmail password..was it fuck4me or fuck2you or bl0wj0b..mak lupa noks!! Cuba punya cuba baru dapat..rupanya...11ckmypussy..ok fine!

Anyways...life has changed tremendously for the past 3 months. It has reached to a level where I never thought it could happen. Never! I've lost hope in finding my own happiness for long period. There's no purpose of life except to continue being a sacrificial lamb to satisfy his sick sex fantasy. No future lies ahead except either one of us is dead and that will resolve the whole problems. That the drive and breath I take is for the sake of seeing my kids living their life happily. The thought of telling myself that I do deserve for happiness, no longer exist. My life is about diversions, because I always feel like I'm living in a cage. You will fly and fly around the cage deceiving your thoughts that you're flying around the world freely.

My diversions has always been...men?? Nah..they are boringggg babe.. Same ole lame stories..you cantik-body-mantop-I-wanna-taste-you-baby kinda lines. Tak berkembang noks otak mak..dah la kat umah you're being fed with tom dick and harry hairy stories..jumpa jantans pon citer benda sama babe..bohsan mak!!

So..my diversions has always been books, e-books and blogs. Mak tak baca ye blogs beutipulnara.muraidotcom dik..I spent my time reading at the library when the kids were hanging out there, on the bed and whenever time I can squeeze in. I read all sort of books but my interest has always been about politics, economics, science, history and religions. I adrift myself with readings because that's where I can find a place solely for myself. Where I can have thoughts on my own and where I can questions everything about anything. Where in real, my life is about being controlled and dictated of what to think and how to do things in life. Reading books free me, I guess.

The reason I'm telling you all this..bukan la nak poyo cakap wa ni golongan terpelajar (walau pun memang) tapi sebab bukulah my life change abruptly. You see..when you read things..you have to go in as a beginner where you questions anything or everything. You can't learn something with the intention of arguing what's right or wrong. You can do that later. Your mind need to be free from all preconceived notions. Otherwise there's no point of reading if you think you've already know everything la. Otherwise, tak yah la baca buku or blogs..bukak je website EPL or Beutipulnara tu..tengok je gambo-gambo retis idaman..senang..

I got to know a group of people that reads a lot. The first time I went to the group discussion I was introduced to the members. I was so thrilled and excited to be part of the group. Most of them were old men or in their 40s and came from highly intellectual background. The discussion was mind stimulating and I felt so inspired when I went back home that day. Few days later, I got an email from the group leader asking me if he can give my email address to one of the member who's interested to know my quest in joining the group. Well, I have high respect of those people in the group and so I was not being skeptical about it.

And so it began. The acquaintance with this man was decent. He is a genius, funny and a very handsome man. Package baekk babe!! Yes, I smile and feel happy whenever I'm with him. I've never shared anything about the dark secret of my life to any man before, but with him I told everything. I've never intended to, but he was so observant and able to capture and sense that something was not right in some of my statements in our conversations. Jantans lain takde babe..masa borak..masa tu je la dok imagine kita bogel and klu boleh dah nak main atas meja makan tu terus jer..

Well..man being man they are still subject to the human's nature need to evolve and conquer the world and remain the dominant species on earth. Well..with him I don't mind if he's drooling or thinking of exploring my body and getting inside me while we were talking about history of the world or the definition of E=MC2..Mak x kisah dah..selama ni he always accused me of being unfaithful.. and now I'm making it real for him, to realize his fantasies kan.. Hamik ko!

So to cut long story short. My long prayer has been answered. How I've asked for a way out, has finally came right in front of me. I know I've made 2 attempts of running away from him but then things didn't worked out as planned. He came persuaded me back to him and as usual using the kids as his weapon to make me come back to him and keep me.Life went back to same cycle of hell again. How I wish that someone would just come and pull me out of this mess, because I no longer have the might and courage and hope to end this sorrow, has finally showed up.

And yes he came. If I manage to pull myself out of this mess and finally find my freedom and happiness, he is all the reason behind this. The genius mastermind my savior and guardian angel. I am so blessed to have met him. He is the constant driver to wake me up from this nightmare and guide me how things should be and done. When you deal with an abuser, manipulator, control freak, narcissist, sex manic and psychopath husband you need to understand their traits in order to counter them back. I don't have the might and stable mind to think rationally at same time trying to understand what I have become. The effect of being abused and manipulated for 15 years had surely left unrecoverable damage to my self worth. It's not an easy task to make it back on normal track because many things that I may consider normal may not be true. And I even thought that I could change him?? Watefak really!

Well, that was how confused I was back then. In actual fact, he can't even change himself, so how could I be changing him? I need to save myself first in order for me to save my kids. The kids was ruined and damaged. They have grown up living with their horrible father to learn how to disrespect the mother, bullying and telling lies. No matter how hard I tried to instill good values to the kids, they still look up their father who portray himself to be pious yet insult their mother and abused her everyday. The kids would grow up thinking that is normal. You do bad things, then you go to mosque or pray for forgiveness and you can do it all over again. The perception that were embedded into the kids get wrong. And the kids grow up to be his co abuser without me realizing it. Whereas all this years I've been sacrificing myself staying with a devil for sake of the kids and if they turned out to be one, I can't never forgive myself for that. A guilt that I will carry with me if that happen. It hurt me so much to feel the betrayal from my kids after what I have done to them, though I can't deny that they may not know the real truth as the father has brainwashed them by playing victim. 

He makes me realized that I was brought to this world not to be abused and hamba kat dia. Even Apartheid pon dah abolished. And to think what a husband did to his wife is not acceptable in any modern moral standard or even a caveman standard. From thereon, he was being serious about the action that I need to take. Sometimes I even thought, as if macam dia la plak kena abused. Then I understand reason why and how he can feel my hurt and pain so deep. He cried for me and he gave up on me few times too, because I'm still with my old habits being subjugated to him. This is when he will come out with his father's saying.."you can bring horses to the river, but you can't make them drink" Huhuhu.

Then he taught me how to fight! How to fight fire with fire or dynamite. How I was stupid last time, sacrificing myself for nothing and I need to stop being stupid anymore by leaving this hell I'm in (this is when he will start imitating MatYo's wife ..aku tak bodo..aku tak bodo thingy..hahaha lawokss). How he never met an intelligent woman like me..a compulsive thinker..Melayu plak tu. Ni memang ayat terbaekk..I'm not that impressed when people talk about my beauty coz I got it all the time. But when a man told me that I'm intelligent..mak memang hanyut noks!!! Sukeee...Iyola ..kat umah asik kena panggil bodoh, lembu..pelacur..ape cer bro!!

My life was filled up with new perspective about relationship, bringing up kids, values, intellectuality and love. Sumer lah! Life seems wonderful and having him around, seems surreal.

He brought me to consult social workers at one of the Women's Organization in which I was given a new perspective of how I was wrong all these while thinking that I can change him and save my kids. The only solution to this is to get out of that life and save myself first. As long as I'm with him, he will always has an object that is me, to insult and abuse. He has been using the kids to keep me and ruining the kids silently at same time. The kids will grow up thinking what the father's doing and treatment are normal and has the potential to be as their father - an abuser. That hit me hard.

I can already see the effect of it because my beloved son has now dare to be rude to me with his words and my daughter are keeping her distance. Only my little daughter who is still close to me in which I pour all my love on her as I felt that she's the only one who still needs the love of a mother. Whatever it is, I'm still their mother, the one that brought them into this world and love them unconditionally.

But I need to do what's right, even at stake of leaving them. It may sounds cruel but I guess I don't owe anyone an explanation on that since I'm the one who need to take the responsibility to end this madness.

For almost a month ago, I was raped by him almost twice a day, everyday. He would dragged me in middle of night, while I was asleep and early in morning, before his Subuh prayer. I even slept in my daughter's room with locked doors for almost 2 weeks. He got pissed off with my action and started to bang the door early in morning asking me to open the door. And when I opened it, he insulted me by saying - ingat I nak rogol sangat pepet besar you tu!! Righttt!!! Then when my daughter came into the room early in the morning to kiss me and left the door unlocked, he came in and force on me. I can't recall how many times I had my tears run down my cheeks or sometimes I just closed my eyes till it's over. I don't know how to describe the feeling I had, it was just numbness.

 When I asked him why he did that, he said it's because he's afraid that I go and fuck with other man. At same time he said he knew that I'm good and faithful but I got easily seduced by man. Everyday?? I asked. 'Yes..because I'm afraid that you got fuck other man.'

Duhhhh!!! This is how the mind of a psychopath works, they will punish you based on their own deluded mind. There's nothing wrong with them or their doings but others. That's how I got manipulated and controlled over years. Living with insults and guilt and to believe that they were all my fault and to have reached to level of acceptance that they no longer gives you any pain.

So I've hired a lawyer to file for divorce and served him summon with long list of reasons for the divorce. Before I did that I've already taken all the necessary evidences and made police reports to protect myself because reason of the writ summon were related to mental and sexual abuse. 

I packed my clothes and stuff and cramped everything in my car that morning. I can still recalled clearly how kakak had her tears running on her cheek and hugging my son against my chest while rubbing his head. 

Abang..mami tak balik dah rumah ni ye. Mami kena pergi.. I have to do what I have do. Abang mungkin tak faham lagi, tapi satu hari nanti..mami akan cerita kat abang ye. And he was crying begging me not to go.. Mami please jangan tinggal abang..please mami..abang sayang mami.. as he was crying heavily. I cried hugging him tight, wishing that I could hold him forever, but I need to let him go. The sadness to me as mother really crucified me, because I know it will never be the same again. I will always love him forever but he will never love me the same again for leaving him. He will always have the perception that his mother has left him, and that hurts me so much.

I consoled him saying that I'm only going to stay at my mom's house and will come and see him on weekends. He continued crying and run inside the house. I drove out slowly looking back at the house of sorrow with mixed feeling. Sad for leaving the kids yet with hope for better life for myself. I said to myself that this is the right thing to do and the kids will be fine.

So now I'm back at my mom's house, with bags of clothes, travel mattress and a pillow to sleep. I've left everything behind me in exchange of my freedom from being the object of abuse from an estranged husband. Came to think of it, I'm in wrong for letting myself hurt, humiliated abused by a man who think he is the god of a woman! Mafaker!

I've left all the stuff I bought in that house for my kids - bedroom sets, wardrobe, sofa, flat screen tv, electric cooker and oven, fridge, dining table and ntah la apa lagi. I guess the only thing I want to take from that house is just my small study table and lamp and book rack. But then again I would just leave it to my kids so that they will always remember that mummy used to sit and read and study and did her work at that table. I just hope that one day, they will understand how I treasure that only little space I had in that home and use it to study.

I've attended the mention day at Mahkamah Syariah last week, but he didn't showed up. My lawyer has asked for new hearing date in few weeks time as there maybe some intention from him to do out of court settlement. So it was set again 2nd week of Jan next year. It was indeed a very tough week for me. Life is tough emotionally. I'm trying hard not to cry every time I talked to my kids over the phone because they don't deserve the sadness. When nobody's around I cried because I missed them so much. I'm trying hard not to breakdown because I just felt so alone. I may have my guardian angel to look after me, but he can't be hovering over my shoulder all the times, he got other things to do too. And I'm just afraid if I take wrong steps in life again, I just felt lost sometimes I guess. I know I will get over this but it will take some time and it's painful.

He kept on texting me with pujuk rayu and crying asking me to forgive him and come back to the house for sake of the kids. Saying that he will change and to start all over again. He said he's wiling to give time for me think and even asked me to stay at my daughter's room so that the kids still feel my presence around the house. Hati mak dah kering nokss!! No way! Until last Sunday, after my son's guitar class, I sent him back and when he reached the house, he quickly run to the toilet sebab sakit perut nak buang air besar. So I brought in his guitar and some fruits I bought for my daughter into the house. The moment I put the stuff on the table, he quickly locked the door. I've already had uneasy feeling and walk to the door to leave. Suddenly he grabbed me by my waist pulled me down on the sofa in the living hall. He started to kiss me hard and had his hand under my shirt and started to caress my breast. 

I tried to push him away and kept on telling him to go away and not to do that, but he didn't stopped. Then I saw kakak came down from stairs and she got stunned looking at his father pinning my hand on the sofa. I taught I was saved. But then he stood up and carried me from the sofa to upstairs into the room and locked the door. I remembered I waved my hand to my daughter, crying and saying in sad voice - Kakak..tolong mami kakak. as he carried me upstairs into the room. She just stood there with her jaw a bit dropped, blank expression and don't know what to do. 

I cried as he forced himself into me and it was painful, but the worst part was that feeling being humiliated, mutilated and your self worth is being ripped over and over again. I know he has the intention to make me pregnant again just to keep me, but it didn't materialized babeh! Mak pandai sikit noks! Once he's done, I washed myself quickly and kissed my kids and get myself out of the house and drove off. I don't know where to go and what to do, so I parked my car at the RnR and slept feeling stupid and frustrated like shit. 

I was so furious and scolded him as to why he raped me again and to have my daughter witnessed that incident could have traumatized her. He said it's because I was so hot and attractive and he's unable to resist himself and that's why he need to fuck me for last. Like shit!! That was a typical psychopath or rapist answer to justify what he had done. Never had he thought his action was wrong. It was again my fault to be seductive to him and that he can't resist and so it's ok to rape me. Memang gila!!!

Btw in Syariah Law, there's no term on marital rape ya. Marital rape charges cannot be part of the divorce reason. So technically, betul la..kerja pompuan ni mengangkang je kerja. If you get an understanding husband, pepandai la suami tu pi pecah kan kepala paip tu..tak pon blajo blajo la berzikir biar reda sket tsunami tu. Tapi klu kena laki yang gila macam ni, blakang unta pon dia tibai beb! Lahanat ahhh!!! What an injustice to women! Sapa nak bela? Bukan semua lelaki tu baik!! Kesian. Klu tak percaya, pergi la mahkamah Syariah tu, dengar perbicaraan. Almost 90% of the Plaintiffs were women. Sedih siotss!!! Lagi sedih, negara omputih pon recognize marital rape as a crime and protect the women.

Anywayss..

My wish and hope that this will end soon and smooth and if it will take forever, to let me have the strength for me to carry on please. My favorite words, may the universe conspire to make this for the best of me.

Afgan - Untukmu Aku Bertahan

deception

I can't recall how many times I called my mom and dad or even whatsup my sis to tell them how unhappy I am with my life. Those calls were made at point when I was struggling and desperately looking for something to hold on to so that my head didn't went crazy. The pain and sufferings were too much for this little chest of mine to bare it alone. I told them that I was so unhappy with my life and I don't know how I can go on living in this sad life. And even tough I have my kids that give strength to me, it's just like a stick to support me from falling and to just carry on living life the way it is. That's all.

 

And the best advice they can give is...sabarrrr..be patience. Think about the kids..etc. I understand that they felt sorry about my life and that there's nothing much they can help. So I guess, at that moment I've lost all my hope and I've just lost everything. Once you get married and with all those responsibilities to your husband and kids, you just lost everything about yourself. You entitled for nothing except serving them. I understand about compromise, tolerance and all that shit, but when you're in my situation you realized they are all bullshit.

Once you start giving, there's no end to it. Being nice is a weakness. You'll get used until there's nothing left to give except yourself and then you'll feel worthless and just live with no value as if you're a zombie. No feeling, only numbness. What's most hurtful is the emptiness inside you. Physically you're needed by everyone, but inside there's nothing. Just sadness. Every night I would cry thinking about happiness that I don't understand. Apakah..?? No one would understand. People would probably say I'm over-reacting and selfish. But can't I? Can I just have my own happiness? If I make mistakes again in finding them, well at least it is my own fault rather than having someone treating you as a faulty item to be used for his amusement.

 

Last week, went to my Mom's place and my dad asked me. Why do you look like you're unhappy? And I just smiled and told him that this few months were very hectic months with mounting pressures and that the workload was so stressful and all. I can't recalled what was his feedback as I was trying to make a quick exit out of that conversation.

 

I've already stopped turning to them when I feel suffocated. There's no point for me to burden them with my pathetic life, leaving them feeling bad later because they're not able to help me. And that's the more reason for me to just pretend that life is getting better. That I'm so good at deceiving everyone and I forgot that I deceived myself too. I keep on telling myself that life is good, and you couldn't get so much better than this, that..you know every one has their own challenges in life and that what's you're facing is fair. So I just thought well..so be it. If life's a bitch, I just need to live as it is. I stopped thinking about having my own happiness of life because I just don't know what it is anymore. For me, what I'm having now is happiness.

 

Even though, he already stopped pushing me for chats or pics or arranging me for some fucks, apparently the sickness just don't die. I was wrong to think that he has changed. He didn't. It just got his way round but it's still the same. I can't recall how many times he fucked me hard saying that that's the way how those omputih colleague of mine would do me. And I just would agree with him so that the session would end fast. Or how he would shoves all those toys inside me hard, until I can't hardly breathe. And if I tried to push his hands he would be pissed about it, saying that I wouldn't behave that way if it's with all those guys.

I can't remember how many times I have said that I hate him silently, every time he asked me to change my undies or my jeans or my shirt to something more sexy or shorter or transparent for pleasure of others. I hate him so much for asking me to do all this, though I know I'm at guilt too for submitting to him. I am wrong. So that's how it was last few month. Things back to before, he still belittle me like calling me stupid, no brain etc and criticizing every single things I did at home or with kids. And when he was angry with me, we didn't talk at all but he would divert his angerness to the kids which made the kids more confused. Things get reconciled, as usual via sex. Of course he would expect that I had few fucks with other man during those fights period in which drive him to fuck me more. His new game now is to have a man masseur to massage me. He said he love to see me being massaged by a man, to see how the masseur would perspired hard while massaging my back and buttocks. He even asked me to hold his cock while he's massaging. He said they all wouldn't mind. And if I did that, I would probably get some finger fuck massage and that would be great to him. (of coz he would implied it as if it's good for me). Everything about me is about sex and satisfying his sex crave. If I asked him to help buy something for me he would asked for trade. Like he said that he would treat me with full body massage but I need to be massged by a man. Or like if he asked me to send him my petpetpic, he would say that he would buy me dinner but if I send him my vid fingerfucking myself doggie style he would buy me things. So it's like that. Nothing's free from him. It all a trade.

I remember last Raya, we were shopping for kids clothes. I told him that I bought some and he need to also pay for some coz last year I was the one who spent for all their clothes. So he said fine.

He chose a pair of baju kurung for my eldest daughter and said that I should also buy a pair so that I can wear same pattern as my daughter. Well, I was so happy about it and ask him to buy for me. He said..baju you.. you bayar la! I just smiled as I thought he was joking. So he queued at the cashier and put both clothes, my daughter's and mine on the counter. Then he pushed aside and told the cashier that he's paying for this one and the other one I would paying. Good fuck! I didn't know how to react. Cashier tu pon confuse. Wa sebak giler duhh..sedih ada.. malu pon ada. So mak pon terhegeh-hegeh la keluar kan duit bayar baju kurung rege dalam RM150 je.

I can see my daughter's face changed. As I was walking towards car, I told her that the only piece of clothes that his father ever bought me was kain baju kurung hantaran kawin. And even that clothes ruined because my previous maid washed it in the washing machine. So that was pretty sad la. Like he always said to me that I don't even deserve a dowry. What he paid for my hantaran or mas kahwin was so overrated because I'm a used stuff. So sometimes mak marah la jugak..asik cakap benda sama over and over again. Well..you pon sama la macam orang lain!! Bayar je one off..pastu pakai pon recycle jugak!! So sama je la u dengan jantan lain. Free la jugak.

Ntah la mak geram nokss!! So I guess he didn't brought that issue again anymore. Knowing him, he probably thought I'm right. That what he paid has good returned investment. Over years I already depreciated it's value, but the scrap of me is still usable. So meaning, barang free beb.. pastu siap boleh pakai sesuka hati.

After all these years, I can say that I myself have turned into a sex addict. Ade ke eh?? I get highly stimulated sometimes and I just can hold myself to just have a good fuck.

Sometimes bila dah tak tahan, I would just suck his dick for it to get a hard on and sit on him to satisfy my crave. And he would just smile, loving my act macam orang sasau gilabatang! While working on my act, he got really excited asking me questions like..sapa fingerfuck you baby? who lick your ass baby?? tell me! tell me..arghh malas la nak layan soklan2 tu.. sbb wa tengah high la..

There were times that I was so fucked up and need some dick to satisfy me, but he was tired and want to sleep. So he would give me those dildos and asked me to fucked myself or go and fucked someone the next day. Wa tak tahan la weiii, so kena amik sendiri la dalam almari tu. Actually memang genius la sapa yg create dildo ni. Kalau boleh wa nak kasik Nobel Prize kat inventor dildo ni. So lepas dah kena multiple O baru la boleh tido dengan aman damai. Dunia tiba2 terasa indah dan berpelangi gitewww.. so camtu la. Tu happiness la tu kannnn..

So that's how I deceive myself everyday, that's how I keep on telling myself that this is life and that is the happiness for me and I just need to get used to it. There's nothing in life that I looked forward to.

 

And when I do feel at the edge sometimes, I do hope that I would just die but when I think about my kids, that they still need me, I continue living.

 

Last time, there's not a single day that I slept not cursing him and thinking about escaping from him. Having my own life and finding my own happiness. Now I no longer dream. I just don't really care anymore. No one does anyways. They all have their own life issues.

 

And I'm just too tired of finding my way out. I guess I'm beginning to get used to live under his suspicion, taking all blames for every single mistakes, getting used to being used by him or in fact by every man I met.

Probably I deserve it. Probably that is happiness.  

Hey

I think I'm gonna write again.

World is not flat and there are still stories to tell :)

peace

This mark the new leaf of life and it may not be mainstream.

 

Life change and so does everyone.

Well, talking about change.. I'm changing my car soon. Had an accident early Jan this year, where I got banged on the door side. Pintu kemek la but still..lepas check with the mechanic roughly cost about RM400 to repair and that guy agreed to pay. So to cut long story short, I ask him to help meet that guy coz I was at mom's place. So the guy paid to him the money...and guess what.. the money never reached me and the car never got repaired until today. When I asked where's the money, he said he used it and I never asked him about the money again.

 

Then I had another accident last June. This time I was coming out of a junction and a motorbike hit the car and he flew over and fall on the roadside. I was scared like shit..afraid if I killed him. Luckily the impact was not that strong but still his tyre  bengkok sikit and he had few scratches on the hands. Havoc la jugak tepi jalan tu. I remember I kept on saying sorry to him and checking on him if he's ok to walk and to check on his bike. I could see his legs and hands were trembling, probably he was shocked himself. I felt so bad, really. Then I remember I left my daughter in the car and she was looking at me from the car window. As I ran back to my car, I saw..like OMG!! my car..!! Pintu kemek..spoiler koyak...Aduhaiii...

I took my name card from purse and ran back to that guy who was already surrounded by mamat motor yang lain who's also checking on him. I gave him my card and told him to repair his bike and to see doctor and to contact me for all those charges. He's ok with it. Few days later he called and said it's RM100 damages and I bank in the money into his account. Settled.

 

What's not settled still, were those severe dents and scratches added on to those unrepaired dents from previous accident. It really hurt me to see the car in that conditions. Sedih siotsss!! And the more I look at it, the stronger feeling I got that it's time for me to let her go.

 

The car has been with me for 4 years and I never had any intention of changing it before. Such a loyalist I am. Though I always dream of driving some fancy car, I'm basically a practical person who love simplicity and decency unlike the diva personification people always percept on me. Muahaha? As long as it takes me to place I want to be, I'm good.

2 things about the car ;

 

• She witnessed many life events ; my journey, destinations and passengers that ever sat their assess on the seats.

• Some notty things did occurred in the car too..oh well

• It's kinda private space. I talk to myself in that car. I feel its vacuum space helps me to listen to myself better. I'm pretty sure that she laughed at me listening to silly stuff I said or perhaps praying for all my uttered hopes.

So..I bid you farewell my dear car. Thank you for all those wonder years we've been together. I hope you will find a good owner that will take care of you well as much as you will take care of him/her.

 

masih adakah cinta

Jiweng seh..tittle tu..tapi layan je ler..

Sebenarnya, malas dah nak hupdate dah blog ni. Maybe coz the fact that my life is getting better?

Everyday is a compact activity for me. And I slot time to write this, just because I feel like it :)

When it comes to weekend, lagi la super compact nye. Sometimes, during weekend, all I want to have is an hour of sleep lepas lunch..macam ular sawa..kasik perut buncit sket..uhh bliss..what more if its raining. Nyaman seh!

But since I don't have any bibik to help, semua house chores kena la buat. And while doing that, kita kasik multi tasking la jugak ; the kids need to do their homework or work assessment. I don't have time to send them to tuition, lagi pon mak dia pandai, apa kes nak anto budak2 ni pi tuition. All you need is time and consistency and LOTSSS of patience. Stress weiii ajor budak2 ni. Then kena bawak kids jalan-jalan lagi, kalau tak bawak merajuk. Malam kalau tak melayan bapak budak pulak, merajuk jugak. Tapi by the time malam, your body is too tired and you can't even open your eyes. Nak tak nak you open your legs je la. Settle! Everyone's happy and life feels complete.

Few things I've experienced and learn - it's all in your heart. You have to be true to yourself. You can lie to others but you can never lie to your heart, because when you do, your mind and body will get confused, and so do your actions and things that evolve around you. Life revolves and depend a lot from our action and reaction, consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously..boleh?. Things can move and change, but what remains and need to be firm is what lies in your heart. It needs to stay pure. Not saying this to make me sounds macam bagus..at least that is what I want to achieve. Not an easy task really.

When I read back my previous post, a lot of things I hope, though I never thought would happen, tend to fit it all well.

I was hoping that he would change, and yes he slowly is. My heart always says to fight back and I did, overcoming my fear of brutality and what ever that may comes. I came to realized that there might be some slack in the way he was brought up during his chilhood. I just want to make sure that won't happen to my kids. The way he feels inferior by cursing me or belittle me in any ways in front of the kids. It was a tough fight to make sure the kids didn't absorb that.

I begin to ask myself. When will I open my heart to love him? Or did I ever love him? How would I do that? I know I still can't say I love him till today. It's not healthy living this way. I came to a point that since I can't leave him, I need to make him a man that I can love and live with. I need to change him if not fully at least to an acceptable level where my heart can open for him. I can’t dictate my heart how to feel coz it has its own life to see if he fits in there for me. But technically, I can work to change him, I think.

He knows that I'm financially independent but I'm not giving him the thoughts that he can uplift his commitments too. He was not that helpful when I had financial hard times. I don't keep grudge towards him, just that he needs to learn his lesson.

My life is much more peaceful now. I no longer need to depict him with fantasy of me fucking man. And all those men, gradually disappeared from my life. I totally enjoyed the dismissal part. They begged and ask for reasons, and I make it less painful gitu..hahaha..biasala..dalam kepala hotak derang citer nak main je..tapi lu berlakon wa pon berlakon bro! I even use script that my ex-bf used when he ditched me long time ago for a woman with bigger breast on them. Hah! Fuck la!

So what I need to do now is that I need to make a deal with him. Worst case an ultimatum, in which I need to write about this, so it’s documented. It's now my game! I set the rules. And the objective is our happiness as a family. My kids need a happy family and I need a man that I can love and live with till I grow old.

I've given him my many years satisfying his fucked up sex fantasy and the time is up.. He needs to deal with his fucked up sex crave on his own now.

Then only my heart will open for him again.