and the battle begins - Part II

3rd week onwards

He started to get delusional saying that I still need to support the kids emotionally  even though I will have new life and family. Right..family dah masuk..tak abis-abis delusional and with his cuckold traits.

Then he started to grumble how difficult to handle the kids.

How he don't have anyone, and kept asking for my forgiveness. Telling that I can ask anything as long as we are not separated. That I can keep all his money as long as he have me and just tell him what he needs to do to have me back...you are my life and I can't live without you kinda shit la.

I didn't answer most of his wassup and that annoyed him. So he pushed and pressured me to answer his messages saying that he needed to know whether I still have heart for him or sympathize him so he can decide to give me talak 1 or max (AGAIN!!). Ko gila talak la nanti bro!!

And since I didn't replied to his text, so he's giving me max...tapi cakap.."to me you're the only one I love and never forget" (gilo la). And he keep on harassing, asking me why do I kept quiet and not sympathizing him

I love you so much ampun kan la dosa I...Marrrrr please!!


And I just laughed. Evil laugh.

He called my lawyer for out of court settlement..said I'm calculative and fed up and said that I've not been sincere bringing up the kids.


This is the time I shoot him with my long kept anger. Depan asik pujuk tapi blakang he's bad mouthing me to my mom dad and my kids. I don't know what he may have said to the neighbors.

Then he started to create new story how I've changed that I've discarded the family just to build new life with new husband where the future may not be as good like what I've expected. My daughter was so depressed that she told her sadness to my sister in law. How her father told her that mami dulu tu liar..sebelum abah kahwin dengan mami..mami tu dah kawin tapi tak nikah ...pikimakkkk bastard!!

Then she told him that she no longer wanted to be the middle person to call and persuade me to come back to him. She even thinks that she doesn't want me to live with his father. And she got scolded for saying that where he called her 'anak setan' (something like that) for wanting to see me and him divorced. Lahanatttt punya jantan! How could he insult her that way. Sapa bapak setan sebenarnya??? Then she said dad said sorry for saying that because he was angry!! Useless bastard! Anak tu dah hurt la bangang sebab ko tak dapat control ko nye perangai setan tu!  Tapi tu memang jawapan standard la... ko insult orang macam orang tu kayu..pastu ko say sorry-naik-lori-pegi-mati-la-lu!! I was so pissed off to hear that! I'm not there for him to abuse and insult and he's throwing that to my daughter. Macibai siotss.


Oh did I tell you the reason why I was determined to finally get a divorce? In late  Oct/Nov last year, I got to know from my eldest and youngest daughter that they were molested by their grandfather. He even told my lil daughter that he want to korek pepet mami boleh tak?? I cried and was so angry at same time thinking the trauma that my daughters had to go through and that it was my fault at same time for taking it so long to get out of that crazy and doomed family.. Sial lahanat punya orang tua!! Semayang mengaji berzikir pergi surau every waktu..tapi rupanya setan sebenarnya..He will not die easy until he asked for forgiveness from me and my daughters. I don't care whether you are already 80s years old, what he did is totally unforgiven. I don't think I can even forgive him.


I managed to record few conversations with my lil daughter on how, when and where his atuk pegang her pepet which happened few occasions since April. I made police report and need to secretly bring my kids to police stations for them to take their statements. And yes it did happened and the police lady which was nice to them advise them protect themselves if their atuk did that again. And I keep reiterating them how they should keep themselves away from atuk and if he did that again to kick his kote hard and shout that atuk pegang pepet so that he will feel ashamed and let me know asap so I can also kick his balls hard until he pissed in his pants!! Even now if I see him infront of me, I will definitely loose my temper and will kasik kaw kaw atas muka dia!!!

One thing I learned about this type of people, they insulted you because they felt inferior and tried to take control of others by making them feel guilty, stupid and small in order to gain control over their victim that already felt helpless. In fact, they actually got no ball and they just say things but will not dare do it. The only way to tackle them is to fight back! It took me years to breakthrough this barrier because I have the perception that I need to obey husband nanti tak masuk surga kalau buat suami marah.

Wrong understanding on how woman have been thought throughout their life. Total BS!! Sad indeed. And I ask myself why?? A woman will always have their individual right as a human and no one can take from her not even the husband! Nobody own yourself except yourself. We were created in this world not to be submissive to anyone and deny our own  rights to choose our own mind and thinking and life. Don't get me wrong that the code of conduct of each partnership is essential like understanding and certain level of tolerance but not to the extent to be the sacrificial lamb (like what I had stated in my side bar menu and what my MrGenius always said to me). I will definitely keep reminding my kids about this! You have to learn to respect and love yourself, so that you will understand and appreciate how to love others. And I have to save myself from this hell of life before I can save my kids. Otherwise I will get drowned together with them. True.

So with the guidance and pressure I got from MrG on how to manage him, which were pretty extensive, I finally got to fight him. I will bring out all his past doings, how he had treated me mentally and sexually abused me and how I got manipulated and tricked by him all these years. I will bring up about his father, how he didn't even dare to ask his own father whether his father did pegang pepet of his daughters? And he told my daughter, how could he asked that to his father as he is his son. Nanti abah kena boikot dengan adik beradik abah pulak. Bangsat punya lelaki!! Yet he said he will safeguard his children with his life. Liar takde telur punya jantan!

How he is sick in head and need to see doctor and that he is an abuser and his father is a child molester and both of them are sick and setan. I insult and bring down his balls and ego to my feet. It's payback time. I want him to feel the hell he has made me. Then he will say sorry and ask for forgiveness and cried and ask me not to leave him and start a fresh new life again and not to proceed with the divorce as he was very scared of going to court for the hearing. He don't want everyone to know about the reasons of the divorce which will definitely ashamed him and his family. Aikkk.. cakap nak panggil press bagai! Mana dia press bro?? Mak baru ingat dapat masuk HarianMetro front page pakai sepek itam beso!!

I told him I will never ever go back to him again. I have no heart at all for him and even hate him so much and there's no benefit for me to go back to him except another same cycle of hell because he will never change. 

My little daughter quarreled with his brother and she packed her clothes and asked him to send her to her babysitter's house because she wanted to runaway. He told me that she followed her mother who also runaway from home. I told him how did he managed the kids? Sampai adik pon nak lari rumah? Cakap pandai sangat manage!! I was so angry and so I will take all the kids and fight in the court because he's ruining them and making them sad staying with him. He immediately called me crying over the phone like a baby..

Marissa...please don't do this. I only have them. If you take them away from me, I'll die..please!! You promise that you agree to let them stay with me.

I changed my mind! You cannot handle them! You're ruining them! You insult kakak! You said bad things about me to the kids! What kind of person you ni!!! I'm their mother!

You can't even protect them. I'm going to take them!!

Marissa please..I'm sorry! Sumpah I tak cakap buruk pon pasal you. I will protect them.

Sudah la I malas nak layan.

Ok..if you want to take the kids..I will fight in court!

Yes, you do that! Then we will see if the judge will think you're fit to be their guardian.

Marissa.. please. Ok ..I promise you I will take care of them. I tanak gaduh and ungkit kisah lama..please!!

So I will keep on doing that every time he tried to control me and insult me again. My final words..you tell your stories and you can bring all your fucking evidence to court and let the judge decide who's telling the lies. Then let judge decide whether he is fit to become a father. Silap2 hakim tu suruh you jumpa psychiatrist and the case got referred to police under civil law. Bring it on!!

Then he will call again..begging..Marissa please..don't do this.. blablablablabla..

And the same cycle repeats. He was so deluded with his imaginary boyfriend of mine, then my imaginary husband. He still can't get into his head that the reason I left him were because all those items stated in the penyata saman, where he told me that citer dalam kain cannot be proven and it can all be just a hearsay!! Hearsay kepala hotak bapak ko sex maniac child molester tu!!!

Nanti I suruh lawyer tunjuk sumer collection dildos and vibrator to judge and your chats to buy a new vibrator / dildo for me, then I will smack those dildos on your head! Asshole!

Yesterday court mention the judge sound dia if he didn't agree then he have to hire a lawyer. After the court mention, my lawyer discussed with him in front of me and my dad, where he still blaming me that the out of court terms and conditions were more sided to me instead of him.

Kena sound kat lawyer on certain of his term and condition that restrict me to see the kids and only me can take the kids on weekend not their stepfather (aka my new husband). Delusional again! Teeettt!

I can't claim custodian right at the high Court! Pukimak!! And when I asked him why he restricted only me to take the kids and not others like maybe my brother or sisters. He said he didn't want my husband to pick them up! Serios shit he's crazy! He's deluded with his imagination and really think that it's real.

Kalau nak cite hal dia banyak la because he keep on harassing me 24 hours. Stalking and waiting me to response.

Marrr..jawap la wassup I..Marrr pleaseee...don't torture me like this. I only have you Marrr..

Jawap lerrr Marrr.. please...Marr tolong I Marrr.. I'm sufferring.

Marrr..it's been a month since you left the house.. Marr tolong I!!!

Go wank yourself la!

Marrr..you tau I tak pandai..nanti sakit and bengkak!! You buat tak sakit.

Marr...pleasee...you je yang dapat puaskan I and give best BJ ever..

Marrr..ok la if tak BJ pon...shake je please... u got magic hands

Marrr...I rela jadi slave you Marrrrr...pleaseeeeeeee.. I need you

You pandai-pandai la settle sendiri.. none of my business!!

But you're still my legal wife...

Marrr you tolong I ye.. I tunggu you.. anggap lah bantuan you tu sebagai sedekah (WTF!!!). My last wish..

If not... I call you..you tell me how to do it (WTF!!!)... or you send voice record je.. Can? Then you no need to call again after this.

Marrr I bodoh!!! I can be your slave as long as you come back to me. Kesian la kat I.

Please Marrrrr...jawap ler...!! Jangan la senyap! Jawap ler...jawap lerrr..Marrrr..tolong abang Marr!!!

Well.. I guess that's my daily disturbance from now onwards. It irritates me so much that I got headache more frequent nowdays. Memang la tak layan wassup dia tu. Tapi sakit hati la baca. Repeat same thing over and over again yet still in denial that what he had done to me were wrong. Last Friday, I got a call from my friend who's working in Russia because he called her husband who is in Malaysia to caution him about my other girlfriend, who is also our closed friends, to keep distance with her. He was telling my friend's husband that the reason I left him was because I got influenced by this girlfriend who is also single mother aka janda, for sake of freedom and hidup berpoya-poya macam tu. I was so shocked to know that he went to that extend. Gile saiko ahh mamat ni! He even wassup my guy friends pretending he had wrong number but put his profile pic of him and me.

And my mom and dad started to worry about my safety when they heard news about the killing tragedy of that U.i.t.mlecturer last week. My mom told me, the husband looks so naive and innocent and she was implying to my husband. I told her sumer psychopath mana ada muka ganas pon. Kalu muka ganas sumer dah kerja jadi ahli gusti kat WWF tu mami!

Pastu lagi la dia cuak..pesan banyak kali..jangan masuk rumah dia lagi..ever..be careful..he's cunning etc..

Yes, I'm aware. He is full of trick just to make me come over to that house and find an chance where he can be alone with me again.

There's one day, he waited for me downstairs at my office begging me to have coffee with him..and that was really disturbing siotsss!!. He stalked  and waited for me at my parking bay while I was walking towards my car. I heard a car engine following me from behind and my name being called. When looked back I saw him in car with his window screen downed and asking me to get inside his car.

Marrrr..tolong I Marrr pleaseee... I tak tahan!!

Mak cuak sekejap and ran away from him using the service lift yet he managed to catch me at the lobby. He was persuading me like a perverted sick man.

You pegang (kote) I sekejap je please..

Eh you pandai-pandai la..kote you kan.. I mana ada kote nak buat pancut!!

Please Marrr.. I was angry and left him and went upstairs.

I text him telling that if he disturb and stalk me again, I'm gonna make a police report and will asked the police to open up the case and charge his father for molestation of my daughters so that the police will come and pick his father and put him in jail. I don't care!!! And that he as his son will also be questioned by police for that incident. And I kept on provoking him telling him that he was probably abused by his father during his younger years.

Tell me what your father did to you?? You are like this because your dad are like that! I've seen how your dad insulted your mom by calling her names in public! Tell me! Kenapa senyap?? You want me to call your father and asked him why he molested his own granddaughters ? Or you want the police to question him? Biar satu kampung tahu how filthy your dad is! Dia sembahyang 24hours pon tak guna sebab nak cover up perangai setan tu. Allah can forgive him but I won't forgive him sampai mati pon! U too!!!

The he answered " Me too"

What do you mean by you too? You won't forgive me too? Is that it?

Meaning I made mistakes to you? Is that so?

So what you've said were lies? Because how can you insaf dan berubah if you think what you've done to me were not mistakes?

Ok dah la Marrr..enough ok.. Jangan la hina and kutuk I

I kutuk you ?? Sapa yang dok buruk2 mak dia kat anak-anak ?? Sapa ?? Now the kids are all seem reluctant to spend days with me. (I cried when I put down the phone thinking that my kids not really looking forward to see their mom once a month).. Mak sedih sangat. but I told my daughter it's fine and they all know that I won't force them. I don't want to put them in difficult situation which will not be fair for them. Going through phase experiencing separation of their parents is not easy for them too. I just want them to be happy with their choices.But I know their dad is playing victim game and manipulating them, so I played my game too, but not obvious.

I tak pernah kutuk you kat anak-anak.. I citer yang baik-baik je pasal you kat anak-anak. Righttt!! Penipu besar la lu bro.

Next week I'm gonna call that police officer to follow up on my report regards to his dad's molestation. I want them to pick his dad to the police station with him as his custodian to question and warn him about it. I'm very concern because my kids especially my 2 girls are not with me and I'm not with them all the time to protect them. I'm worried because he don't have me to satisfy his sex needs and I'm afraid if he fall on the kids as substitute. If his dad can do that to his granddaughters, he as a father can do that too to his own daughter. He could be blaming me for not sufficing it, or even claimed that he's out of his sick mind. It's better to think too much than being ignorance. And if he did that I will not have bit of hesitation to see him rot in prison and he can have all the dicks he wishes to see all his fucking life. I don't give a damn shit!!

As I'm living outside of that old life, I began to see things much more clearer and can think rationally. I'm now full of an accumulated anger and hatred, which is all I need to face this fight. So jangan carik pasal ngan wa please..memang mak lazerr tanpa belas ehsan nyee..

Tapi mak jugak learn about love at same time, which is something sweet to balance things up. Having said that, I'm still traumatize of starting another commitment, not until I got all this settled. I don't know. I'm just too afraid to get hurt again, I guess.

Anywaysss...I'm moving to my own crib in Feb. Sedih jugak la tengok bilik sekangkang kera tu. But at least I have a place I can call home or perhaps as a testament for my new freedom and happier life, and so I hope. Tak sabar jugak la. At least something to look forward to. I can arrange the place all I want..tak de dah orang nak kutuk-kutuk cakap my taste out dated or kampong ke hapa. Muahahaha..

Till next update then. 

and the battle begins - Part I

It has been 3 weeks since the day I left my 'rumah kelamin' and staying with my mom. Well actually cramped along with mom, dad, my younger brother, my sister and her kids. The first few days, I slept in the living hall in front of the tv with my travel mattress, pillow and cover. So long bouncy bed and fluffy pillow..huhuhu..But after few days I got to sleep in my brother's room sebab sakit belakang la tido atas tilam nipis.

It was a mixed feeling really. Feeling of the sudden freedom in hand and you don't know what to do about it, feeling happy that I finally manage to get myself away from him but at the same time missing my kids so much. 

The very next morning at mom's house, which was Saturday, I really don't know what to do since I no longer have house chores to do, mountains of clothes to fold, cook or bring my kids for breakfast, dinner or jalan2. Bangun-bangun je..nganga..tatau nak buat apa. So after awhile cleaned up the living hall and went to Ikea to buy some nice storage box to keep my clothes nicely. 

Actually, those were most crucial and toughest weeks for me to endure until the next court mention day. He relentlessly whatsup and called me and even sometimes asked the kids to call me, crying over the phone asking me to not leave them and come back home. He told me that he didn't sleep well for many nights thinking about me and the divorce. His blood pleasure went up and having stiff neck and back pain and many other things. Serabut giler!!! I can't think straight and even my office mates were telling muka pon dah hilang seri dewi malam giteww..Arghh!!

1st week

Where he was furious and crying sad at same time. He was telling me that he don't give a shit about me asking for divorce but with my penyata saman it involve his maruah! Bingo! 

His maruah is his weaknesses and that's my weapon. He and his father portray that they are pious, respectable person within their own society and clans and their dark secret is in my hand to reveal and bring them down. Siap kecoh nak panggil press tu nak citer kat semua! Bodoh tahap gaban.. 

Then he started asking forgiveness - you are the only one for me..jangan berdendam dan jangan dengar cakap orang lain (he was implying to my dad and my best friend who is a divorcee that has been influencing me to hidup bebas..katanya la. Biasa la blaming on others except himself)

Please reconsider and forgive me...I love you until I die...only you wife I dunia and akhirat...hahaha..penipu weiii!! Ko citer apa bro!! Nanti kan dapat 72 virgins..wa dapat 1 man jeww..(virgin ke idok mak tak pasti la noks)

Seeking for sympathy saying that he lost weight thinking about me and scared of what he's going through, cannot sleep well and eat well, cannot live without me.. blablablabla

Then he start talking about money because he need to pay additional cost to my Iddah. Telling me how transportation cost risen up to 150%.. and that he told the kids that he's going to rent house / apartment near school so they can walk to school because he can't afford to stay in big house because mommy is no longer around to help. Useless bastard!! How could he dragged the kids in his mess and share his burden with the kids. Tak guna punya bapak!!

2nd week

Tactic biasa by using the kids in which is the only thing we have in common. Start talking about the kids..using them ...how my son told him last time he loves his mom but now... dot dot dot..leaving hanging sentences thinking that I would asked him to continue.. I didn't coz i need to show that I didn't care what my kids think about me. Otherwise he will continue using the kids for his benefit and hurting them emotionally.

Persuading me to sleep in the guest room for the last time (right!! pastu ko rogol aku la bastard!).. and just to make the kids feel happy..to talk to all of them together what will be happening.. to show them we are not fighting.

Saying that the kids miss me and can see their sadness..waiting for me to drop by house and suap makan..that's he's the one who experiencing their sufferings..because they are closer to me...coz  rajin layan and pamper them..telling me that every morning adik searched for me in the back room to see if I'm there... and my son keep on asking everyday, if I'm coming back or not. He said he knows that I call them everyday but it's different and he want the kids to always feel my presence around. That if I'm at the house he don't mind to go out so that I can spend my time with the kids in the house. Ask me to cook and play with them and enjoy the time with them..asking me not to think it's not important coz they need love from mother as its different from father love (bodoh). Hoping that I understand their needs and and its all nothing but love and that we are still husband and wife and can't show them that we are fighting wtf. That's the reason he asked to sleep there and can stay together like nothing happen and that I shouldn't leave them just like that..run away and to at least make them aware what will happen after this. 

He's asking me to consider otherwise no turning back time and he might give me max..sorry ye I might give you max..and u asked for it and deserve it.. cewahhhh macam baguss!!! Kalau boleh you jatuh je talak 150juta boleh?.. Mak lagi sukee sangat yewww!

Keep on asking me not to make him my enemy and stranger (giler! I want to puke on his face) and reasons why I filed for the divorce. He said he don't think it's coming from me..because he knows me well..and keep asking same questions over and over again.

So he kept on texting me every hours about his feelings and that he has no one to talk to not even to his siblings or father (hopkoz la bro..I'm your trophy wife kan.. me leaving you is a total disaster and failure of your life)

Mencurahkan perasaan, detailing his feeling from the day he received the summon, how he was so shocked to read the penyata saman and didn't believe that I'm the one that make that statement. How his mind went crazy when he called me and I sounded calm. I asked him to read back the summon statement which has more than 20 points listed and there are many more unwritten in it. That's the reason! Then he just laughed..HAHAHAHAHA and told me that all those points were just hearsay, and there's no prove to it. No one will believe me and that all people will then know how sex manic I am.

I told him to tell that to the judge in court and he can bring whatever evidence that he might think he has and I can counter each one of it, because I'm the victim and I remember everything that hurts. And the judge will see how severe were those claims and that he's not even fit to be custodian to the kids. Silap-silap hakim refer kes ni kat polis under civil law baru tau..then it's time for me to laugh at him HAHAHAHAH..macam tu. Terus senyap tak jawap. Then he called me again. Marrrr..please don't do that..please pull back your summon...I love you so much. Marrr pleaseeee..jangan buat I macam ni Marrr!!

He came to see my stepdad, but he was bashed straight up. He was talking about how I had many affairs since early stage of marriage and saying that he has all my confessions written on paper about it. And I pressured him back.

You think ada ke isteri yang waras nak buat confession kat suami dia, tentang semua lelaki yang dia tidur kalau tak di paksa? 

You tunjuk dad as if it's my confession, but did you show him your questions where you asked me to tell those stories? Ada ke suami yang tak gila suruh isteri put it in writing? And after dah dapat confession tu, ada tak suami yang waras tak mengamuk atau marah tahu isteri dia curang? Ada tak??? You je cakap by me doing that you loved me more because I share my pleasure with you and you're happy for it. Gila ke hapa tu?

Ada tak you cakap kat dad that you need those stories untuk buat you stim and untuk u pancut? Kenapa tak cakap?? Bila I kasik you cerita melayu, you nak citer cinaindasingh. Bila I holiday kat Europe pon you push me to provide citer pasal omputih. Ada cakap tak ???

I thought I can have my peacefulness yet you make me feel guilty for ditching my responsibilities as wife and mother while having fun with my friends in UKParis  and I have to compensate that with stories to satisfy you. You tau tak I was pregnant that time and was having bad nausea and vomits and have to find place that have internet connection just to email you those stories??

The many reasons I created those stories were because I was pushed and pressured to the max. At same time you're indicating as if I'm not good in fucking and that the only thing a wife can do to help satisfy his husband is with me telling all those fucking stories and I kesian kat you. And my biggest mistake was because I kesian kat you. That's all. And even when I said that its all creation, you blocked your brain and still believes those were true. You tau tak..I rasa nak muntah every time I had to write you those stories??

Dah..la Marr..I tak ingat cerita-cerita lama tu. I need to do that so that I know you were not cheating on me.

WTF!!! You jangan nak buat-buat lupa bodoh la dengan bipolar you tu.

How he paid many things like my car (iyola tu - duit orang bayar untuk eksiden pon sapu, pakai minyak full tank sampai kering tak refill, mak jugak la carik stesen minyak pepagi Isnin takut minyak habis dalam jem, touch n  go balik kampung parents pon sapu) and blaming many things on me. Like how I didn't cook dinner or do ironing and he had to pay for all that. WTF! But he only said this to my dad when I was not around that time.

But my dad attacked him hard asking him for the proof and who are my boyfriends hand if I really do have, means that he haven't been taking care of me well and for me to do something like this means that he must have done something really bad to me. Terus senyap and he hates my dad from that day onwards, blaming him for not supporting him to reconcile with me.

He said he's been crying everyday and that luckily the kids were there to console and calm him down. And this gave perceptions to the kids that mom is irresponsible to run away and making their father's life devastated.  

He told me that the worst part is to hear me telling that I dont have heart for him and I can't stay with him and that he need to see doctor. (he said he's willing to put in condition in order for me to come back to him) and I told him that it's not about me..it's about you..you're sick and I will never go back to you ever.

Asking me to sympathize him by responding to all his wassups to just acknowledge that I read all his messages but I didn't replied. And asked me to reply so that at least he wouldn't give me max talak even though he still divorce me. Seee..he still thinks that he's the master playing god to my life.

I know I was torturing him because I didn't reply to him. He knows he no longer can control me and that freaks him out.

He felt sad that I did that to him but he didn't feel angry because he then know that he really loves me (too late bro) and can't accept the fact that he's loosing me because I am a good hearted person, sincere and perfect for him. Tiberrr... ayat-ayat yang sudah tidak bermakna la bro!

Perverted world

 

* all snapshots courtesy of MrG. Thank you :)

This is it baby!

Well..it's been a loooong time. I even forgot my gmail password..was it fuck4me or fuck2you or bl0wj0b..mak lupa noks!! Cuba punya cuba baru dapat..rupanya...11ckmypussy..ok fine!

Anyways...life has changed tremendously for the past 3 months. It has reached to a level where I never thought it could happen. Never! I've lost hope in finding my own happiness for long period. There's no purpose of life except to continue being a sacrificial lamb to satisfy his sick sex fantasy. No future lies ahead except either one of us is dead and that will resolve the whole problems. That the drive and breath I take is for the sake of seeing my kids living their life happily. The thought of telling myself that I do deserve for happiness, no longer exist. My life is about diversions, because I always feel like I'm living in a cage. You will fly and fly around the cage deceiving your thoughts that you're flying around the world freely.

My diversions has always been...men?? Nah..they are boringggg babe.. Same ole lame stories..you cantik-body-mantop-I-wanna-taste-you-baby kinda lines. Tak berkembang noks otak mak..dah la kat umah you're being fed with tom dick and harry hairy stories..jumpa jantans pon citer benda sama babe..bohsan mak!!

So..my diversions has always been books, e-books and blogs. Mak tak baca ye blogs beutipulnara.muraidotcom dik..I spent my time reading at the library when the kids were hanging out there, on the bed and whenever time I can squeeze in. I read all sort of books but my interest has always been about politics, economics, science, history and religions. I adrift myself with readings because that's where I can find a place solely for myself. Where I can have thoughts on my own and where I can questions everything about anything. Where in real, my life is about being controlled and dictated of what to think and how to do things in life. Reading books free me, I guess.

The reason I'm telling you all this..bukan la nak poyo cakap wa ni golongan terpelajar (walau pun memang) tapi sebab bukulah my life change abruptly. You see..when you read things..you have to go in as a beginner where you questions anything or everything. You can't learn something with the intention of arguing what's right or wrong. You can do that later. Your mind need to be free from all preconceived notions. Otherwise there's no point of reading if you think you've already know everything la. Otherwise, tak yah la baca buku or blogs..bukak je website EPL or Beutipulnara tu..tengok je gambo-gambo retis idaman..senang..

I got to know a group of people that reads a lot. The first time I went to the group discussion I was introduced to the members. I was so thrilled and excited to be part of the group. Most of them were old men or in their 40s and came from highly intellectual background. The discussion was mind stimulating and I felt so inspired when I went back home that day. Few days later, I got an email from the group leader asking me if he can give my email address to one of the member who's interested to know my quest in joining the group. Well, I have high respect of those people in the group and so I was not being skeptical about it.

And so it began. The acquaintance with this man was decent. He is a genius, funny and a very handsome man. Package baekk babe!! Yes, I smile and feel happy whenever I'm with him. I've never shared anything about the dark secret of my life to any man before, but with him I told everything. I've never intended to, but he was so observant and able to capture and sense that something was not right in some of my statements in our conversations. Jantans lain takde babe..masa borak..masa tu je la dok imagine kita bogel and klu boleh dah nak main atas meja makan tu terus jer..

Well..man being man they are still subject to the human's nature need to evolve and conquer the world and remain the dominant species on earth. Well..with him I don't mind if he's drooling or thinking of exploring my body and getting inside me while we were talking about history of the world or the definition of E=MC2..Mak x kisah dah..selama ni he always accused me of being unfaithful.. and now I'm making it real for him, to realize his fantasies kan.. Hamik ko!

So to cut long story short. My long prayer has been answered. How I've asked for a way out, has finally came right in front of me. I know I've made 2 attempts of running away from him but then things didn't worked out as planned. He came persuaded me back to him and as usual using the kids as his weapon to make me come back to him and keep me.Life went back to same cycle of hell again. How I wish that someone would just come and pull me out of this mess, because I no longer have the might and courage and hope to end this sorrow, has finally showed up.

And yes he came. If I manage to pull myself out of this mess and finally find my freedom and happiness, he is all the reason behind this. The genius mastermind my savior and guardian angel. I am so blessed to have met him. He is the constant driver to wake me up from this nightmare and guide me how things should be and done. When you deal with an abuser, manipulator, control freak, narcissist, sex manic and psychopath husband you need to understand their traits in order to counter them back. I don't have the might and stable mind to think rationally at same time trying to understand what I have become. The effect of being abused and manipulated for 15 years had surely left unrecoverable damage to my self worth. It's not an easy task to make it back on normal track because many things that I may consider normal may not be true. And I even thought that I could change him?? Watefak really!

Well, that was how confused I was back then. In actual fact, he can't even change himself, so how could I be changing him? I need to save myself first in order for me to save my kids. The kids was ruined and damaged. They have grown up living with their horrible father to learn how to disrespect the mother, bullying and telling lies. No matter how hard I tried to instill good values to the kids, they still look up their father who portray himself to be pious yet insult their mother and abused her everyday. The kids would grow up thinking that is normal. You do bad things, then you go to mosque or pray for forgiveness and you can do it all over again. The perception that were embedded into the kids get wrong. And the kids grow up to be his co abuser without me realizing it. Whereas all this years I've been sacrificing myself staying with a devil for sake of the kids and if they turned out to be one, I can't never forgive myself for that. A guilt that I will carry with me if that happen. It hurt me so much to feel the betrayal from my kids after what I have done to them, though I can't deny that they may not know the real truth as the father has brainwashed them by playing victim. 

He makes me realized that I was brought to this world not to be abused and hamba kat dia. Even Apartheid pon dah abolished. And to think what a husband did to his wife is not acceptable in any modern moral standard or even a caveman standard. From thereon, he was being serious about the action that I need to take. Sometimes I even thought, as if macam dia la plak kena abused. Then I understand reason why and how he can feel my hurt and pain so deep. He cried for me and he gave up on me few times too, because I'm still with my old habits being subjugated to him. This is when he will come out with his father's saying.."you can bring horses to the river, but you can't make them drink" Huhuhu.

Then he taught me how to fight! How to fight fire with fire or dynamite. How I was stupid last time, sacrificing myself for nothing and I need to stop being stupid anymore by leaving this hell I'm in (this is when he will start imitating MatYo's wife ..aku tak bodo..aku tak bodo thingy..hahaha lawokss). How he never met an intelligent woman like me..a compulsive thinker..Melayu plak tu. Ni memang ayat terbaekk..I'm not that impressed when people talk about my beauty coz I got it all the time. But when a man told me that I'm intelligent..mak memang hanyut noks!!! Sukeee...Iyola ..kat umah asik kena panggil bodoh, lembu..pelacur..ape cer bro!!

My life was filled up with new perspective about relationship, bringing up kids, values, intellectuality and love. Sumer lah! Life seems wonderful and having him around, seems surreal.

He brought me to consult social workers at one of the Women's Organization in which I was given a new perspective of how I was wrong all these while thinking that I can change him and save my kids. The only solution to this is to get out of that life and save myself first. As long as I'm with him, he will always has an object that is me, to insult and abuse. He has been using the kids to keep me and ruining the kids silently at same time. The kids will grow up thinking what the father's doing and treatment are normal and has the potential to be as their father - an abuser. That hit me hard.

I can already see the effect of it because my beloved son has now dare to be rude to me with his words and my daughter are keeping her distance. Only my little daughter who is still close to me in which I pour all my love on her as I felt that she's the only one who still needs the love of a mother. Whatever it is, I'm still their mother, the one that brought them into this world and love them unconditionally.

But I need to do what's right, even at stake of leaving them. It may sounds cruel but I guess I don't owe anyone an explanation on that since I'm the one who need to take the responsibility to end this madness.

For almost a month ago, I was raped by him almost twice a day, everyday. He would dragged me in middle of night, while I was asleep and early in morning, before his Subuh prayer. I even slept in my daughter's room with locked doors for almost 2 weeks. He got pissed off with my action and started to bang the door early in morning asking me to open the door. And when I opened it, he insulted me by saying - ingat I nak rogol sangat pepet besar you tu!! Righttt!!! Then when my daughter came into the room early in the morning to kiss me and left the door unlocked, he came in and force on me. I can't recall how many times I had my tears run down my cheeks or sometimes I just closed my eyes till it's over. I don't know how to describe the feeling I had, it was just numbness.

 When I asked him why he did that, he said it's because he's afraid that I go and fuck with other man. At same time he said he knew that I'm good and faithful but I got easily seduced by man. Everyday?? I asked. 'Yes..because I'm afraid that you got fuck other man.'

Duhhhh!!! This is how the mind of a psychopath works, they will punish you based on their own deluded mind. There's nothing wrong with them or their doings but others. That's how I got manipulated and controlled over years. Living with insults and guilt and to believe that they were all my fault and to have reached to level of acceptance that they no longer gives you any pain.

So I've hired a lawyer to file for divorce and served him summon with long list of reasons for the divorce. Before I did that I've already taken all the necessary evidences and made police reports to protect myself because reason of the writ summon were related to mental and sexual abuse. 

I packed my clothes and stuff and cramped everything in my car that morning. I can still recalled clearly how kakak had her tears running on her cheek and hugging my son against my chest while rubbing his head. 

Abang..mami tak balik dah rumah ni ye. Mami kena pergi.. I have to do what I have do. Abang mungkin tak faham lagi, tapi satu hari nanti..mami akan cerita kat abang ye. And he was crying begging me not to go.. Mami please jangan tinggal abang..please mami..abang sayang mami.. as he was crying heavily. I cried hugging him tight, wishing that I could hold him forever, but I need to let him go. The sadness to me as mother really crucified me, because I know it will never be the same again. I will always love him forever but he will never love me the same again for leaving him. He will always have the perception that his mother has left him, and that hurts me so much.

I consoled him saying that I'm only going to stay at my mom's house and will come and see him on weekends. He continued crying and run inside the house. I drove out slowly looking back at the house of sorrow with mixed feeling. Sad for leaving the kids yet with hope for better life for myself. I said to myself that this is the right thing to do and the kids will be fine.

So now I'm back at my mom's house, with bags of clothes, travel mattress and a pillow to sleep. I've left everything behind me in exchange of my freedom from being the object of abuse from an estranged husband. Came to think of it, I'm in wrong for letting myself hurt, humiliated abused by a man who think he is the god of a woman! Mafaker!

I've left all the stuff I bought in that house for my kids - bedroom sets, wardrobe, sofa, flat screen tv, electric cooker and oven, fridge, dining table and ntah la apa lagi. I guess the only thing I want to take from that house is just my small study table and lamp and book rack. But then again I would just leave it to my kids so that they will always remember that mummy used to sit and read and study and did her work at that table. I just hope that one day, they will understand how I treasure that only little space I had in that home and use it to study.

I've attended the mention day at Mahkamah Syariah last week, but he didn't showed up. My lawyer has asked for new hearing date in few weeks time as there maybe some intention from him to do out of court settlement. So it was set again 2nd week of Jan next year. It was indeed a very tough week for me. Life is tough emotionally. I'm trying hard not to cry every time I talked to my kids over the phone because they don't deserve the sadness. When nobody's around I cried because I missed them so much. I'm trying hard not to breakdown because I just felt so alone. I may have my guardian angel to look after me, but he can't be hovering over my shoulder all the times, he got other things to do too. And I'm just afraid if I take wrong steps in life again, I just felt lost sometimes I guess. I know I will get over this but it will take some time and it's painful.

He kept on texting me with pujuk rayu and crying asking me to forgive him and come back to the house for sake of the kids. Saying that he will change and to start all over again. He said he's wiling to give time for me think and even asked me to stay at my daughter's room so that the kids still feel my presence around the house. Hati mak dah kering nokss!! No way! Until last Sunday, after my son's guitar class, I sent him back and when he reached the house, he quickly run to the toilet sebab sakit perut nak buang air besar. So I brought in his guitar and some fruits I bought for my daughter into the house. The moment I put the stuff on the table, he quickly locked the door. I've already had uneasy feeling and walk to the door to leave. Suddenly he grabbed me by my waist pulled me down on the sofa in the living hall. He started to kiss me hard and had his hand under my shirt and started to caress my breast. 

I tried to push him away and kept on telling him to go away and not to do that, but he didn't stopped. Then I saw kakak came down from stairs and she got stunned looking at his father pinning my hand on the sofa. I taught I was saved. But then he stood up and carried me from the sofa to upstairs into the room and locked the door. I remembered I waved my hand to my daughter, crying and saying in sad voice - Kakak..tolong mami kakak. as he carried me upstairs into the room. She just stood there with her jaw a bit dropped, blank expression and don't know what to do. 

I cried as he forced himself into me and it was painful, but the worst part was that feeling being humiliated, mutilated and your self worth is being ripped over and over again. I know he has the intention to make me pregnant again just to keep me, but it didn't materialized babeh! Mak pandai sikit noks! Once he's done, I washed myself quickly and kissed my kids and get myself out of the house and drove off. I don't know where to go and what to do, so I parked my car at the RnR and slept feeling stupid and frustrated like shit. 

I was so furious and scolded him as to why he raped me again and to have my daughter witnessed that incident could have traumatized her. He said it's because I was so hot and attractive and he's unable to resist himself and that's why he need to fuck me for last. Like shit!! That was a typical psychopath or rapist answer to justify what he had done. Never had he thought his action was wrong. It was again my fault to be seductive to him and that he can't resist and so it's ok to rape me. Memang gila!!!

Btw in Syariah Law, there's no term on marital rape ya. Marital rape charges cannot be part of the divorce reason. So technically, betul la..kerja pompuan ni mengangkang je kerja. If you get an understanding husband, pepandai la suami tu pi pecah kan kepala paip tu..tak pon blajo blajo la berzikir biar reda sket tsunami tu. Tapi klu kena laki yang gila macam ni, blakang unta pon dia tibai beb! Lahanat ahhh!!! What an injustice to women! Sapa nak bela? Bukan semua lelaki tu baik!! Kesian. Klu tak percaya, pergi la mahkamah Syariah tu, dengar perbicaraan. Almost 90% of the Plaintiffs were women. Sedih siotss!!! Lagi sedih, negara omputih pon recognize marital rape as a crime and protect the women.

Anywayss..

My wish and hope that this will end soon and smooth and if it will take forever, to let me have the strength for me to carry on please. My favorite words, may the universe conspire to make this for the best of me.

Afgan - Untukmu Aku Bertahan

deception

I can't recall how many times I called my mom and dad or even whatsup my sis to tell them how unhappy I am with my life. Those calls were made at point when I was struggling and desperately looking for something to hold on to so that my head didn't went crazy. The pain and sufferings were too much for this little chest of mine to bare it alone. I told them that I was so unhappy with my life and I don't know how I can go on living in this sad life. And even tough I have my kids that give strength to me, it's just like a stick to support me from falling and to just carry on living life the way it is. That's all.

 

And the best advice they can give is...sabarrrr..be patience. Think about the kids..etc. I understand that they felt sorry about my life and that there's nothing much they can help. So I guess, at that moment I've lost all my hope and I've just lost everything. Once you get married and with all those responsibilities to your husband and kids, you just lost everything about yourself. You entitled for nothing except serving them. I understand about compromise, tolerance and all that shit, but when you're in my situation you realized they are all bullshit.

Once you start giving, there's no end to it. Being nice is a weakness. You'll get used until there's nothing left to give except yourself and then you'll feel worthless and just live with no value as if you're a zombie. No feeling, only numbness. What's most hurtful is the emptiness inside you. Physically you're needed by everyone, but inside there's nothing. Just sadness. Every night I would cry thinking about happiness that I don't understand. Apakah..?? No one would understand. People would probably say I'm over-reacting and selfish. But can't I? Can I just have my own happiness? If I make mistakes again in finding them, well at least it is my own fault rather than having someone treating you as a faulty item to be used for his amusement.

 

Last week, went to my Mom's place and my dad asked me. Why do you look like you're unhappy? And I just smiled and told him that this few months were very hectic months with mounting pressures and that the workload was so stressful and all. I can't recalled what was his feedback as I was trying to make a quick exit out of that conversation.

 

I've already stopped turning to them when I feel suffocated. There's no point for me to burden them with my pathetic life, leaving them feeling bad later because they're not able to help me. And that's the more reason for me to just pretend that life is getting better. That I'm so good at deceiving everyone and I forgot that I deceived myself too. I keep on telling myself that life is good, and you couldn't get so much better than this, that..you know every one has their own challenges in life and that what's you're facing is fair. So I just thought well..so be it. If life's a bitch, I just need to live as it is. I stopped thinking about having my own happiness of life because I just don't know what it is anymore. For me, what I'm having now is happiness.

 

Even though, he already stopped pushing me for chats or pics or arranging me for some fucks, apparently the sickness just don't die. I was wrong to think that he has changed. He didn't. It just got his way round but it's still the same. I can't recall how many times he fucked me hard saying that that's the way how those omputih colleague of mine would do me. And I just would agree with him so that the session would end fast. Or how he would shoves all those toys inside me hard, until I can't hardly breathe. And if I tried to push his hands he would be pissed about it, saying that I wouldn't behave that way if it's with all those guys.

I can't remember how many times I have said that I hate him silently, every time he asked me to change my undies or my jeans or my shirt to something more sexy or shorter or transparent for pleasure of others. I hate him so much for asking me to do all this, though I know I'm at guilt too for submitting to him. I am wrong. So that's how it was last few month. Things back to before, he still belittle me like calling me stupid, no brain etc and criticizing every single things I did at home or with kids. And when he was angry with me, we didn't talk at all but he would divert his angerness to the kids which made the kids more confused. Things get reconciled, as usual via sex. Of course he would expect that I had few fucks with other man during those fights period in which drive him to fuck me more. His new game now is to have a man masseur to massage me. He said he love to see me being massaged by a man, to see how the masseur would perspired hard while massaging my back and buttocks. He even asked me to hold his cock while he's massaging. He said they all wouldn't mind. And if I did that, I would probably get some finger fuck massage and that would be great to him. (of coz he would implied it as if it's good for me). Everything about me is about sex and satisfying his sex crave. If I asked him to help buy something for me he would asked for trade. Like he said that he would treat me with full body massage but I need to be massged by a man. Or like if he asked me to send him my petpetpic, he would say that he would buy me dinner but if I send him my vid fingerfucking myself doggie style he would buy me things. So it's like that. Nothing's free from him. It all a trade.

I remember last Raya, we were shopping for kids clothes. I told him that I bought some and he need to also pay for some coz last year I was the one who spent for all their clothes. So he said fine.

He chose a pair of baju kurung for my eldest daughter and said that I should also buy a pair so that I can wear same pattern as my daughter. Well, I was so happy about it and ask him to buy for me. He said..baju you.. you bayar la! I just smiled as I thought he was joking. So he queued at the cashier and put both clothes, my daughter's and mine on the counter. Then he pushed aside and told the cashier that he's paying for this one and the other one I would paying. Good fuck! I didn't know how to react. Cashier tu pon confuse. Wa sebak giler duhh..sedih ada.. malu pon ada. So mak pon terhegeh-hegeh la keluar kan duit bayar baju kurung rege dalam RM150 je.

I can see my daughter's face changed. As I was walking towards car, I told her that the only piece of clothes that his father ever bought me was kain baju kurung hantaran kawin. And even that clothes ruined because my previous maid washed it in the washing machine. So that was pretty sad la. Like he always said to me that I don't even deserve a dowry. What he paid for my hantaran or mas kahwin was so overrated because I'm a used stuff. So sometimes mak marah la jugak..asik cakap benda sama over and over again. Well..you pon sama la macam orang lain!! Bayar je one off..pastu pakai pon recycle jugak!! So sama je la u dengan jantan lain. Free la jugak.

Ntah la mak geram nokss!! So I guess he didn't brought that issue again anymore. Knowing him, he probably thought I'm right. That what he paid has good returned investment. Over years I already depreciated it's value, but the scrap of me is still usable. So meaning, barang free beb.. pastu siap boleh pakai sesuka hati.

After all these years, I can say that I myself have turned into a sex addict. Ade ke eh?? I get highly stimulated sometimes and I just can hold myself to just have a good fuck.

Sometimes bila dah tak tahan, I would just suck his dick for it to get a hard on and sit on him to satisfy my crave. And he would just smile, loving my act macam orang sasau gilabatang! While working on my act, he got really excited asking me questions like..sapa fingerfuck you baby? who lick your ass baby?? tell me! tell me..arghh malas la nak layan soklan2 tu.. sbb wa tengah high la..

There were times that I was so fucked up and need some dick to satisfy me, but he was tired and want to sleep. So he would give me those dildos and asked me to fucked myself or go and fucked someone the next day. Wa tak tahan la weiii, so kena amik sendiri la dalam almari tu. Actually memang genius la sapa yg create dildo ni. Kalau boleh wa nak kasik Nobel Prize kat inventor dildo ni. So lepas dah kena multiple O baru la boleh tido dengan aman damai. Dunia tiba2 terasa indah dan berpelangi gitewww.. so camtu la. Tu happiness la tu kannnn..

So that's how I deceive myself everyday, that's how I keep on telling myself that this is life and that is the happiness for me and I just need to get used to it. There's nothing in life that I looked forward to.

 

And when I do feel at the edge sometimes, I do hope that I would just die but when I think about my kids, that they still need me, I continue living.

 

Last time, there's not a single day that I slept not cursing him and thinking about escaping from him. Having my own life and finding my own happiness. Now I no longer dream. I just don't really care anymore. No one does anyways. They all have their own life issues.

 

And I'm just too tired of finding my way out. I guess I'm beginning to get used to live under his suspicion, taking all blames for every single mistakes, getting used to being used by him or in fact by every man I met.

Probably I deserve it. Probably that is happiness.  

Hey

I think I'm gonna write again.

World is not flat and there are still stories to tell :)