Blardy CDs

It's been awhile I didn't take time to express feeling here. I guess that period were most filled up by feeling that things were more managable, that perhaps those senseless life I'm having were eventually acceptable and making sense. But since I'm writing now, I guess insane things can never be comprehended by my sanity. Sometimes I amazed myself of how I can carry on life as it is, it's been 6 years now. Thank god I have a lots of sense of humor. I would smile and laugh to every insults that he made on me, belittling me infront of the kids. Only God knows how hurt I am when my kids now, have picked up those insult as facts of me. Sometimes I fought back of his insults and managed to reconcile my kids understanding on how bad or filthy their mother is and sometimes I'm so devastated and tired to fight and let all the insult on me with hope that the kids didn't understand what their father is cursing their mother. There's nothing and days without insult except when we fought. At least, he would be angry with me and didn't curse me and I felt free. But things would back to normal, when would fuck me in middle of nite or moring, forcing me to admit of all those fucks I had during our fights. And I would have to create another new stories to satisfy him and things would go back to square again. The next day, he would cynically bring up stories about my fuckings and said that he was insulted because I didn't tell him upfront or at least switch on the phone while having fuck in toilet or car, so that he could listen. Yeah, that's my life.

I'm well aware of what man are like, their perspective and their needs. I don't like flirting around with guys, it is so not me. But with all the pressures and after all these years, I'm just out of new stories. I'm driven to flirt with guys. And those flirts will be shared with him. What they say and such. The truth is, I only talked to them, to just get few stories out and the rest especially on the sexual parts are more of my creation. It will make him hard and happy.

Well, sometimes I asked myself, where is the line? How far can I stand living and carrying this burden ? Seriously, I'm not sure what is love. I know he loves me coz he always said that he loves me as I am. Though I'm cheap and filthy and guys made fun of me, he do loves me. He assured me that nobody would had marry a women like me. I'm more like a toy to them. Nobody can love me the way he does. And after so much of this kind of input, it just killed me inside and I'm in no strength to fight and what for anyways. We do feel happy doing things and being together and as long as I brush aside all his insults, things would be fine. He's a good father, he take care the kids well, fulfill their needs and all. Sometimes I wish he would do the same to me and not making me feel like I'm just a womb carrying his kids. It's hard to ask him for help. Even to pass me small thing, would be an insult to him. He would either ignore it or just throw them at my face. Yeah just the right treatment I should get as a fithly and dirty women. He did admit, sometimes he is so digusted with me, pity me for being toys of men. I just keep quiet, his words break me into pieces, what else could I say. But I know, no matter how disgusted he is with me, he needs me to satisfy his needs as no one could. He do admit that he's a bit weird with his sexual needs and thanked me for being understanding and most accomodating. I feel proud at a time, but after all these years, I'm not sure what I should feel anymore.

Last month I've lost my phone, the one he bought as gift for the service I gave him. I can't recall for what actually. Then recently, I got to know that he actually got the money to buy the phone from pictures that he sold to some guys. He said it was pictures of all those toys sticked up to my cunt. I told him he was crazy. But he assure me that it was all without faces. It shocked me like hell, I'm not sure if he's making up stories, I just keep quiet, my mind was so numbed to further think about that. He told me that if I want new phone, I need to fulfill his assignment - asked from my toy boys a porno CDs, karoke with guys that can give me hard stick up in my cunt and ass, he wanna join if possible or anything that I should well known of his needs. And I'm in desperate need to buy some porno CDs which I don't know where or how as he keep asking about it everyday and pissed him off everytime i said - soon.

Sometimes I just wish that I couldn't care all and run away from him, but I can't. I can't leave my kids. They all need me, I know. I've tried once, isolating myself in UK for 3 weeks. No one knows that I actually running from reality. But things got worst. Even when I'm thousand miles away from him, I need to updates him with all those nasty stories which really push me right to the edge. He needs me and I realized that I need my kids. I'm stuck and it come to sense that I don't really own myself. They own me.

Last week, there's a news that made headline about a 50s couple who lived in an estate where a wife run away from her husband because she had enough with him. The husband would asked the estate workers to have sex with his wife while him filming the act. This started when the husband realized that he was impotent to perform sex. When I read this, I had cold sweat all over me. I just closed the paper not willing to read more as I feel like vomiting. Then my husband read the paper and showed it to me of the headlines, I just blurted him with remarks - that was you okay!. And he just kept quiet and life remain as usual for me.

Oh gosh..where the hell can I buy for that blardy CDs.!!

Everything I do, I do it for you

I don't think anyone can imagine and understand the pain that I'm going through. I'm becoming the most complex person on earth I think. This is the most difficult test ever and I feel like its gonna take forever. I don’t see any end road to it and so I’m not sure what I should be wishing for. There's certain point in my life, I felt like I'm losing my mind. And the only thing I can do is to take a deep breath, wrap my own self and pray that God would still give me strength and patience to go all through this for the sake of my kids.

It has been almost 6 years and I'm not sure how long I can endure this kind of life. I always felt that there's nothing left in me that’s valuable other than to serve him and my kids. I’ve already seen disgusted in the eyes of my husband and kids, so what’s there left for me? My heart has been so ripped inside and only God knows how hard I try to distract myself to think that I’m not what he thinks of me. I used to console myself saying that nobody can hurt me if I don’t let them be. But how long can I defense myself from this tremendous assault and game? I’m all by myself and I’m not that strong. I love them so much, that I guess this is the only sacrifice that I'm worth for.

I'm no longer myself because I have to become what you want me to be - your sex slave. It’s a brain exhaustion to fulfill your fantasy. Sometimes I have to refrain myself from vomiting thinking about it. There's no single day in that we've gone through that you had never cursed me as slut. Even my son would say mom is for free or cheapsale or touch n go. Can you imagine how that cut me into pieces. And when I told him not to say that in front of our kids or teach them to say that, you would say coz that's the truth.

What else can I do? I can't leave him because I know that he's sick and my kids need me. I have to admit that he’s a good father. He take care their welfare very well. And my kids deserve that all. He always says that, he's my savior. That there's no one would love me they way he does. He said that he loves me not because of my cunt, but because of who I am. But the fact is, he needs me so that he could feel complete. He knows that I could make him reach his sex fantasy. And because of my sex life before (the sex life that I’ve created for him to believe), I’m what he needs. He needs my details stories, for him to imagine how those men fucked me and hurt me. Fine. I followed through, though it makes me feel dirty and all. But after all these years, I don’t really felt anything about it. It all came naturally, like it has always been me.

He said that he can't stop me from fucking or flirting around (which is none), but I need to tell him upfront. And the only reason is for him to join in that session coz he said that it will be his ultimate dream to see me fuck with others right in front of him.

There’s one time, when he called from the office and I was in a toilet. He asked if I was with someone, and I said yes. He was so excited about it and asked if I’m doing some blowjob and all. And I said yes, that some digging and blowing was taking place. He was so overwhelmed about it and asked to leave the mobile on so that he could hear all those sounds in the toilet. And few days later he gave a new hand phone for the entertainment that I have put through. Well, that’s some kind of appreciation wouldn’t you think?

And the rest of other days would be write ups on details - of how those fuckings would be. How they would do me, how was the dick look like, what colors, how long and diameter like, if there's any smells, was the pubic hair shaved or crumpled any awkward incident happened while fucking and all sort of things. Can you imagine the same questions all these years and how am I gonna come out with answers to all that?? How many men do I have to imagine and put up in my head, in order to come out with consistent and realistic answers If my reaction is kinda lame or seemed uninterested, he would get intimidated and would be insulted. He would say, how could I can do all that, enjoying it all myself but don't even have the courtesy of sharing it with him. Then, I would put myself into that situation, using all imaginings that I have for him to reach his climax. The easiest part for me is to put up some show for him. To have me do myself till I’m out of control, wet myself like waterfall and screamed out some god knows whose name and he would be thrilled to the max. Then I would have him done. That’s how’s things goes. I can’t deny that I love him so, and that I’m doing all these because of my love to him. And I guess he will not know. All he knows is that I’m just a slut hiding behind a wife title. And all my doings were what I’ve been doing all my life, which has no different, or new meaning. That I’m cheaper than a public toilet, coz at least you have to pay to have a pee.

God is there’s anyway out please?

privacy please ?

He will usually lay on the bed and check my mobile phones and identify those odd number that I received during office hours. He would tie that or this number relate to John or Sam or Remy and would asked me to verify. And I would just laugh and told him its the bank calls to remind me about payments that's due. And that would make him pissed off. Hell yeah!

He would also check my office emails, internal chats, pictures and histories of all my web visits. He has all my log on passwords in my laptop. He said that I should give him all the passwords, unless I have something to hide. And because I hate for him to think that way and prolonged on some stupid arguments, I gave in. The fact that I just want to have some privacy and a lil space of my own. Don't I deserve that ? I consoled myself that at least I have my yahoo messenger, facebook and blogs that didn't get hacked. Hell yeah it got complicated even more.

There's one day that I forgot to log off properly from my notebook. As usual, he would use my notebook to surf and I got all my YM's on, yahoo and gmails happily displayed for him. Lovely! He was extremly overwhelmed with that discovery. Oh well, besides all the chat lists, he also read all my emails, including those that's in thrash and spam list. And I felt that I've been stripped all over. There's nothing left for me to keep for myself. Nothing. My phone, my cyberworld all are now his. I guess when you're owned, you're entitled for nothing. Privacy is meant for individual and not someone like me.

Apparently that finding really excites him. He said that he's thankful coz I'm willing to share all that with him (like I have a choice) and he loves me for that. He asked me to send email to any guy that lure for me, and to ask him if he wanna have some play with me. I gave excuses of course (I got reputation to secure), but he didn't take disappointment well and so I wrote an email to Lee to satisfy him. Lee is a fat Chinese guy that always been hinting of getting between my legs. He always said I'm his MILF but he always regard me as an open minded and honourable women . And the only reason I keep in contact with Lim is for me to have some story to tell Addy about it. About how Lim would love to fuck me. Though most of the time I need to add lots of imaginations to it, to make it sounds so kinky. And Addy just love that.

And that moment, we ended up fucking on the sofa in a doggy style - while I'm writing email on my notebook and Addy thrusting his hardcock from behind. Damn is was a good fuck!!

And the next morning, when Lim asked me if I did sent him some intriguing invitation, I have no choice but to pretend that I knew nothing about it. I got my reputation to protect. I'm not sure if he believed it, but he said he would be most lucky guy if it really happened. Phew!!

Numbness

It has been almost 3 days now. He didn't talk much or eat my cooking. I need to ask him few times before he would reply in just a mumble.

I know he's angry with me coz he felt that I did not respect him as my husband. And it all be for the same reason - I did not share with him all those flirtatious words I had with guys I chat with. Not that I don't want to share, but I had none. The fact that I'm really tight up with my work and that I have no time to chat. And when I told him that, he thinks that I'm lying and that I just wanna hide it from him. He got so frustrated with me that above all his consent to let me flirt and fuck with other man, I'm still not being truthful towards him. That I'm a disrespectful, ungrateful person for using those privileges to have fun just for my fuckingself.

What more could I say than hoping that a good fuck with him tonite will make him forget about it and love me for it.

What am I ?

I'm not sure where to start or how to tell part of my life that started almost 5 years ago. But I know I have to write this somewhere for reasons I predict could happen someday. And I pray God will always give me courage and faith to stand this challenge as long as I could. And if you know me and are reading this, then you know that you're reading this for some reasons that I've listed below. Love is sacred. But when love is used to manipulate mind, body and soul, it got mutilated.

• I need to write this because I have no one to turn to. I can't tell anyone coz I do not want to use and be used under this circumstances, I mean I try not to. But sometimes when I'm in desperation of finding my way out, I let myself to use and be used and I'm so sorry for that.
• I need to write this because if I'm dead, no one would ever know the real story of me.
• I need to write this because I want you to know that I was never a whore. Please forgive me for not being one. I was never a good wife because I can't never be a good whore. Your license for me to fuck around and tell was never been used so far as I always come out with reasons to avoid from doing it. Forgive me for the disappointment. Thanks to you, fucking is now my forte though it could never satisfy you, coz I can never be a whore.
• I want you to know that my mind, body heart and soul, after all these years are severely tormented by your game, words, humiliations and hates. And I will always forgive you.
• I know you love me, but you have always love yourself more. And I understand that coz after all these manipulations I myself begin to believe that I'm a whore and deserve not to be loved at all. I can never be a good wife or mother. Even as a women I will always seen despicable in your eyes. I'm no use unless your sex drive is fulfilled. And that's the only time you would kiss me and said that you loved me. And that's the only moment I feel worth.
• You always make it clear you're my savior. That despite of the whore I am, you still love me. How honorable of you to love me for who I am and that no other person is willing to do that for me. And because of the whore I am, for more than 5 years, there is no single day passed by without you reminding me how low life person I am. And I would just smile about it coz I know you just love doing that. And I just hope nothing but happiness for you.
• I need to write this coz I'm just afraid that out of desperation to fulfill your sexual needs, I end up doing things that I should not be doing if I'm sensible.
• I write this coz I'm losing myself and there's no way out of here. I need to stay coz they need me more than I need myself. This is my life. Welcome to the story of my twisted love.

- Marissa -