it's raining not in Spain

Musim-musim sejuk begini kadang kala bisa mengundang pelbagai ereksi. Masalah! Not to me but I guess to many that have issue in controlling those lively creatures under their pants.

Again I'm in different kinda life phase now. No more pressure being setup to fuck some man, share hornychats, dickpictures or tell stories about those men that crazy about getting inside me. 'Crazy' tu ayat-ayat budget je..dengan harapan wa akan tersungkur dalam pujuk rayu mereka. 'Crazy' itu juga ayat-ayat from him to sort of to make me feel good, and so I would share stories with him on who actually said that and make him wanted to fuck me. Oh! Sungguh tidak la kan. Wa sekarang buat bodo je. Marah pon iye. It's not something that I'm proud of, really.

Takat wa layan test skill je boleh la. Tapi kalau total reject kesian plak kan..And I did it slowly dan penuh kasih sayang. Mereka juga manusia yang lemah. Ada masa dia tegak ada masa dia terkulai di atas batu jembala :) So layan je secara berhemah, sebab wa adalah seorang yg budiman gitu. Biasa la.. man, they always thought they are the master of the game, budget boleh makan..so wa kasik chance la for them to think that way.. And fuckers always thought - Hey real man don't buy sex babe! Kesian, not with me. When it's time to let go, I let go. They all have no essence to my life.

Disposing period can be fun. To let them know how it feels to be unwanted. Let them wonder were they not good? Let them ponder... kecik sgt ke? Tak cukup panjang ke? Performance tahap cipan ke? Let them live with the thoughts that they are not that great after all. Over years, I learn that their dicky are their most important asset coz it can superseeds their brain. It also the cause  to many health problems like migraine, hypertension, stiff neck, sesak nafas (stok-stok air dah bertakung kat otak). Only those that are strong can really maneuver it?. Tu pon ramai yang struggling, I guess. I don't know exact really, like I said before I don't have penis I can play with anyways.

Pandai dalam merayu dan memujuk. Janganlah mudah terpedaya wahai anak-anak dan adik-adik ku. It's all games sayang. It's thrilling for both, but they have ulterior motives and you are naive. You'll loose and worst your soul. Jadilah wanita yang bijak..jangan jadik cam hakak ni hah kay sayang!

Yang direct ajak main pun ada, so wa reject pun direct jugak..senang citer, but we remain acquaintance. We both know the games. They share with me what they do with their fuckbuddies. All I need is their stories to remind me how these kinda men do exist, know their games and how sleek they are. 

Yang berhalus dan main pusing-pusing pun ada but we follow the game la. They are not that harmful. All you gotta do is to demonstrate how you have good faith in all their doings and saying. I gotta repo to maintain anyways (*what kinda repo u have? U kan FOC! Like what he always said..duhh!) .The need to look naive but not stupid. Just careful.

They are now dispensable and I no longer need them for him. It's another phase that I need to deal with. He's more incline to watching porn or visiting sexstoriesblog on web in which I'm not stopping him at all. I just felt relieved from the burden and pressure to provide him those shits. But after few months, it's another different stories. You know how this filthy things can be so addictive and spoil your brain and eyes. Weekends became unproductive. What he would do is just eat and lay on bed and surf the net tengok porn. Alasan, sebab kurang sihat and need to rest, yeah right. I was so pissed coz he's not helping at all. And I don't even have a minute to rest. And at night dah bila menyondol-nyondol, I just ignore him and made him angry..siap sound..Kang I carik lain layan I baru tau..

Wa buat donno..pegi lerr..I was having my period pain siotss..tu pon dia taktau..period pain ni sakit dia lebih kurang macam contraction nak beranak la..so memang la sakit..especially kalau yang strong. I can't really talk much, sebab terlalu sakit sampai berdengung rasa kepala. Pastu merajuk plak sebab burung dia tak de sarang nak hinggap. Haihh..stress wa.

Well, it's more of dealing with his life rather than mine. Penat tu memang la weihh!! Coz it's definitely not the kind of life you wanted. I'm too ashamed to think of life I want anyways. I have my kids, that's enough for me.

Talking about rain, I still have to take his laundry in middle of the rain. When I ask him why he can't do it? I mean can't he do it at least once? He said coz I'm stronger and he's trapped in traffic that evening and he's tired bla bla bla..like I'm not? Apa gunanya seorang isteri kan..jika tidak untuk mengumbirakan dan memudahkan hidup seorang suami...Duhhh!!

Tapi yelah..kesabaran tu masih ada. Sabar je la walaupun terang-terang memang kena bully dengan suami sendiri. He is the reason for all this love? and hate for man. He taught all the things I need to know about man so that I understand his needs and others, satisfy him and can be his toys always. And I have the obligation to protect and teach my dotter and son to be good person. Arghh such a conflicting character a person can have. Dangerous I know.

No more tears, just consoling myself that there is something bigger than this. And it's just part of the preparation. It doesn't matter if it's not true, because I just need some hope to hold on. That's all I can do and that is what I'm best at (*besides sex - kasik credit sendiri).

I'm having BBQ near poolside this evening. Hari-hari asik ujan je ni.. Hopefully it will not rain please! Else makan ayam goreng je lerr.. Have nice rest uols.

 

*taktau ahh caner nak rotate ini pic..that's my feet alright..just wish I can have this view everyday :)

my lil pincet

She's 4 but she speaks her mind macam budak besar. She's 4 but she has seen a lot of my life. Masyallah! Tapi bab nangis high pitch tu memang tak leh lawan la..leh cair gegendang telinga. Only me as her mother leh tahan la kan. The daddy terus naik BP okeh! Standard la owang laki! Nampak perkasa tapi tak ramai yg kebal dengan screaming and crying pitch of babies or kids! That's the fact la kann...

She's a girl who always wants to look pretty like her mom. Choose her own clothes to wear, brush her teeth twice a day, asking me when her gigi rongak nak cantik, asking me to do tocang, wear headbands, likes to eat kismis and kurma coz I told her that can make her smart girl. Suka sangat main online game dress up girls and cooking. And because I sent her to Islamic kindergarden, she likes to sing Islamic songs, Arabic songs in which I know most of them and sing along. Tapi bila menari macam Kpop girls la plak! Haih!! "Mami jangan pakai sexy tau! Nanti masuk neraka! Mami dah maghrib..solat! Ahh..okay sayang! Selamba je dia sound wa. Hehe. She's my lil girl. Hope she stays that way.

So last night, I had a sweet conversation with her while putting her to bed.

She said..Mommy nanti adik dah besar kann..adik nak ingat balik..macam mana mami jaga adik..pegang tektek mami masa tido..hantar adik pegi skola..beli nasi lemak..bawak adik pegi jalan..pegi Tesco, Giant..Pastu pergi London, Paris..tapi masa tu kan..adik tak ingat la macam mana Paris London tu.

Adik kan kecik lagi..nanti adik besar adik pergi la travel. Tapi..nanti adik dah besar..mami dah tua dah..adik dah tanak kawan mami dah..adik ada kawan gegirls adik sendiri..

Huwaaa...terus dia nangis and hug me. Adik tanak mami tua..adik nak kawan mami..adik sayang mami..huwaaa..huwaaa... wa pon nangis daaa...so touching moment!

I hope she remember what she said when she grew up. I pray that her life will be protected from bad things always and she will grow up to be beautiful and smart girl. Tak sempat plak nak record confession dia..kalu dia notty besar nanti..siap ko! Hahaha

Slowly I'm teaching her to be my lil girl. Teaching her things I was never thought during my young times and those self taught lessons. She needs to be smart so she can make wise decision in her life. I even ask her to speak to the kurma that she's about to eat, so that the kurma will also help her to make her smart and healthy. Hah! Macam takde kena mengena! Hehehe.

Nanti bila dia dah remaja, wa nak ajar dia caner nak jadi superwoman. Haha. To head her up with all life challenges, caner nak membaca gerak geri lelaki, tipu helah derang bagai. Sebab these boys they start young due to biological needs..cuma bila dah besar..trick je hupgrade sket..walaupun concept nye masih sama. So wa kena equip my lil girl. She can't have the perception that boy/man will protect her from harm! (except her brother) Bullshit sumer tu girl! So she need to take care of herself well, to be independant and not to depend on others.

And having said that, I will assure that my son respct woman - to be a man that lead and protect his family. Jangan menggunakan kehenseman dan kepandaian untuk mempermainkan hati perempuan. Challenge is for boy/man ni sumer thrill and excitement. Kalo dia akil baligh nanti and stim how??? Caner wa nak handle? I don't have penis so can't really put myself into his shoes la kan. Tapi sebab wa banyak la gak penis experience or how it can make man go nuts, hopefully wa can guide him. Nanti wa research lah dengan lebey mendalam.For girls takde perasaan ni sumer, so area ni agak selamat.

With him, it's getting better now. Permintaan lucah melampau tu, memang wa buat bodo je sekarang. Cuma bila keadaan terdesak sahaja wa ikutkan la permintaannya. Atas dasar kasih atau kasihan tu...at that point of time, I'm not really sure, tapi dalam hati..wa LililahiTaala je lah! Sesungguhnya Allah juga maha mengetahui apa yang wa sendiri tatau. Like I always pray, if this marriage is the best for me, I wish for Allah to bless this relationship and if it's not, to make separation as smooth as possible. Wa pasrah dan redha je la dengan ujian ini. Kesabaran ni masih ada, so I'm using it prudently la kot.

Salam Jumaat semua. Makan pisang banyak-banyak! It's a happy fruit :)

Hope for heart

First of all..lama tak hupdate sebab memang bz gil babs. Sometime I got so many things to write, but ended up writing them in my head when zzzzing off and when morning came, it all dried up macam air liur basi kat atas bantal tu hah! Eauww.

Anyways, lepas Raya aritu I was so tight up with work. Then I had to take leave about a week to go back to hometown di Landen coz my dad need to go through an angiogram procedure. So his house were packed with all my brothers and sisters and their kids. He had 2 stems blocked in heart and need to put some 'ballon' to clear the clot. Ni kira layman nyer term la. So apparently they were severely blocked that the procedure was not successful and need to go for a bypass (open heart surgery) end of this Oct. Hopefully he can make it. Insyaallah.

My mom and dad separated when I was 15. So I've not been living with him for long time but we are close. So it was kinda funny conversation I had with him after he had the operations and before I went back to KL.

Father :

Mahal kan nak buat bypass tu.(with worried tone)

Daughter yg owesome :

Dad, you no need to worry about that. That will be your kids responsibility to take care of that. Let your kids do their part. You also need to play your part to prepare physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Marissa tak setuju langsung if you want to see that person you said can heal secara batin with only RM70 WTF Dad!! There's no such crap. I knew a person who did that but it cost him more than 5K.

Father :

Yela..tapi kita usaha je.

Daughter yang owesome :

Memang la kita kena usaha. Tapi konsep tu dah salah dah Dad! Effort tu have to come within yourself. What is firm is that you have a heart blockage. What you need to do now is to prepare mentally that you're going to undergo that operations. If you keep on thinking about alternatives, means that you don't have the confidence to go through it. So you will not have that positive mind that it will be a success. Lain la if Doc said dah tak de cara lain dah..then we can find other alternatives. You have to stay positive and braver than brave, which I know you have coz I'm your daughter. When you undergo the ops, your lung and heart will stop. The machine will help to circulate the blood to the brain, but in the heart what's remain is your feeling. Feelings do not reside in the brain. So Dad, you have to stay positive so you will power will beat your heart, if not the negative feelings will overcome and it wouldn't turn out good. Pastu Dad, you have to cut smoking and solat. It's been long time you didn't solat. What happpen? Last time sembahyang pon tak tinggal.

Father :

Yes I know, sometimes things get over my head and I gave up.

Daughter yang owesome :

Dad, you can't. Now it's not the time for you to think about others. You need to be selfish and think about yourself. Hal anak-anak, there's nothing much you can do. Let them live their life. Jatuh bangun salah silap, let them go through it, it's part and parcel of life. What you need to do is just pray for them and for you to prepare yourself nanti.

Father :

Yes I know, Dad dah banyak overdraft. Tapi Allah tu maha penyayang dan pengampun

Daughter yang owesome :

Ye Dad but you have to show your effort. Think about yourself and not others.

Father :

Ok nanti Dad solat when I'm well

Daughter yang owesome :

No Dad, you have to do it now. Dad sakit, so when you pray, Insyallah Allah listens more. You even have privilege to pray sitting cause of your leg. Dad, I'm not saying I'm good myself Dad. Not at all. I'm saying it because it's the right thing to do and above all because I love you Dad.

He looks sad but hopeful at same time.

When having that conversation, I felt as if the world just stopped. It was so meaningful to me. He's 70, he's more knowledgeable than me. What kind of advise he has not heard before in his life and what more coming from her daughter. I gave it straight from my heart, I hope it touches him in some way.

Giving him that kinda advise left me more impact as I felt that I was talking to myself instead. It sort of  tied me with the commitment to actually accomplish what I've said, else I just felt that I would be lying to myself and a hypocrite.

Ok la..wa need to take call with Brazil, China and US people. It's around 8.30 US time now and the opposite for KL time. That's how technologies make world smaller.

Banyak lagi citer. Nanti if sempat wa sambung lagi. Daaa :)

Syawal 6

Not too late I guess to wish me reader Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin in acronyms it's SHRAMZB uols. In some ways I do make lot of mistakes either intentionally or not. Manusia itu sendiri pon bermaksud lalai kann..

Anyways, I'm back to work yesterday and it was crazy lah! Dengan pending issue la..campur dengan puak-puak auditor yang menyibuk nak audit hujung-hujung bulan nih. Haihh!!

Oh ya! Reached KLIA from Taiwan last Friday nite. It was a nice journey back. I got to see great panoramic view from the airplane. Serious shit it was a puzzle to me till now. I was starring outside the window plane and even asked the passenger sitting infront of me if she's seeing what I'm seeing. And she asked her husband and her husband said it's probably a ship. "Takan la kapal bang!! Kita tinggi ni kan"

What I saw were few stars in orange / yellow color and it's beneath the airplane and we were above 19K sea level! Takan la lampu kapal kot. Those stars were in clusters and so beautiful. I did took few pics of it, but they were not that clear. Anyways, was telling my dad and he said what I saw were probably some ice trapped in the cloud and it glittered due to reflection from the sun! Aiseyyyman! I was expecting that I saw some shooting star tengah lepak-lepak on the cloud or better still some malaikat tengah transit nak naik langit ke 7 ke! Muahahaha..so sapa tau kasitau.

Raya was awesome! I went back to his kampung on Saturday morning. Wa orang bandar, so kampung environment wa memang appreciate. He's treating me nice and no longer said bad things to me. So I'm feeling much calmer now. Though he still need me to tell him about other jantans but I'm fine coz he didn't talked about it the next day or asking me to do weird stuff anymore! So I'm ok..slow slow..I must have done something to make him changed drastically I guess!

So I'm hoping life continue to be better for me and for rest of us. So enjoy your Hari Raya uols. Adios!

Duit raya from Marissa..muahaha *ngada

Day 3 - Taipei

I had such a great time tonite. It superseded those dull hours I spent during the workshop. Tu belom masuk lagi minit-minit mencemaskan tersengguk-sengguk nak tertido. Ceh! In the workshop I had people from many backgrounds. Ada cina Taiwan, cina China, cina Malaysia, cina Australia, Jepun and American. So macam-macam style ado. Si Jepun ni memang jaga timing dia, tapi break tu musti..kejap-kejap break. Sabo je la. And the discussions sometimes dragging jugak tu yang selalu couldn't manage to finish on time.

So today I suppose to have team dinner at some Chinese restaurant. Sedap katanya..macam-macam masakan babi ada. Muahahaha! I told my boss, I'm not going coz I don't feel comfortable and nanti pergi pon macam out of place. Takan nak makan nasik ngan sayur celur je. Pastu depa sure nak mabuk-mabuk sumer. My boss memang ok..dia paham! Yang lain pon paham..tapi malas la nak buang karen explain kat yang lain and it doesn't effect my credibility pon. So that dinner is not an importance to me pon. So wa kawtim cakap organizer cakap sakit purut. Abis citer.

So once the workshop over, cepat-cepat grab a cab. Tunjuk je card restaurant tu in Mandarin writing. Sini cab senang and most cabs are either Toyota or Wish beb!! Kalah KL! Cilok pon not bad. Skali tekan je berdesupp!! So I got there 10 mins late. Buka puasa kat sini dalam 6.30pm camtu. So arini order shrimp fried rice and tapau mihun goreng untuk sahur. Masa masuk tu Haji Yunus tu sound la cakap ada family from Malaysia juga. So as I passed them by, I smiled and took my seat. Belek-belek BB yang takde internet data tu..tengok gambar..sambil gelak sorang-sorang. Sini they didn't support BB sangat. So boleh call je. Major phone are HTC (product Taiwan), iPhone, Samsung etc. Camtu la. Si Haji Yunus tu siap kasik free sup and dessert lagi! Baik hati, murah rezki dia.

So lepas makan, I was about to make my move back to hotel. So I dropped by tegur la family from Malaysia tu - the husband, wife and their son.

Baru sampai ke? Marissa pon bertanya

Eh tak la, we all duduk sini. I kerja kat embassy Malaysia! Si husband pon kuar la kad dia..ada la lambang kerajaan Malaysia on his name card. And I gave mine.

So dia soh la duduk. Borak-borak about my stay and Taiwan. Memandangkan saya memang la seorang yang peramah, dengan communication skill yang superb - it was a great conversation.

Pastu depa ajak pi Ximen..jalan-jalan beli barang. Apparently they are also going back to Malaysia after 4 years this Friday and in same flight as me. Marbeles!

They paid for my dinner beb! Baik hati sungguh manusia ini! Then the son hailed cab and headed to Ximen in Toyota Wish ye! And he paid for the cab too. Alhamdulillah!

So I bought some t-shirts, handbag, keychains, fridge magnet and insist in buying them bubble tea. I had such great company with them. Such a nice people in an alien soil of Taipei. I'm so blessed.

So malam pon dah semakin tua, so they get me a cab..cakap Mandarin kat cab driver tu. On the way back I called hubs and kids asking how they doing, how I missed them so much. I reached my hotel safely but I can't stopped smiling all the way back to my room, as it was such a great nite and encountered I had. I'm soooo happy.

So another 3 days to go! And I just can't wait to go home to kiss and hugs all my kids. Bapak nye pon sibuk dok asah pedang ler gamak nye! Muahahaha..

So for time being..gudnite uols..dan selamat berpuasa dari Marissa di Taipei! Cewahhh! :D