closing/opening

Yeah I know it has been awhile. Thanks for asking. Sweetness.

Dec is the busiest month, sebab year end kan..ramai orang jadik paranoid, sarcastic dan giler dalam mengejar revenue. If only many local companies have the same working culture, drive, responsibility memang la business berkembang maju. Tapi most of local companies, agak lavish. They spent more on unnecessary things dari sebesar expense to smallest i.e renovation bilik meeting dah juta-juta, beli kereta mewah, golf club la sampai la ke barang pantry macam melo, kopi, gula susu yang almost 20% akan disapu oleh staff or makcik tealady or cleaner. Kenapa tak spend more on staff skill development and R&D? Ni sumer ada long term ROI for stability and sustainability.

Anywaysss..

Few days after the last post, health has not been really good for me but I'm fully recovered now, alhamdulillah. Macam-macam sakit dapat. Ada yang maybe airborne and some penyakit yang carik sendiri.

First, I got sick due to infections in my urine or scientifically Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) or bahasa melayunye kencing kotor. Catalystnye adalah sejenis bacteria E-Coli. Rasanya dia selalu lepak di area-area seperti toilet or in contaminated food or drinks or tools? It's a common bacteria yang baru wa tahu amat powers okay. 

Anyway, sebagai seorang yg amat menjaga kebersihan alat-alat sulit ni, E-Coli memberi tamparan hebat kepada ego wanita saya. Root cause nye..penyakit carik sendiri sebab malam sebelum tu ada aktiviti sex lasak yang melibatkan pelbagai equipment and it was beyond my control to do some QC checks prior to any insertions or penetrations. Haihh..bak kata orang tua2..kuah lauk tu pakai sudu lain-lain..jangan campur..nanti basi..tapi yela..kadang dah lapar sangat..gelojoh..belasah je.. tu la jadinya..

So the next morning, I almost faint, sebab the bacteria was moving too fast in my body. Kencing memang kaw-kaw takleh tahan..nasib baik ada sanitary pad..and by evening..my urine already contain blood siots..Sakit nye ya memang la sangat sakit..sampai ketar-ketar la nak membuang air kecik tu. I can't imagine if UTI kena kat lelaki..nak pakai pad pon tak seswai..maybe kena pakai pampers or balut pad tu kat kepala tutt kot. Anyways, before 4pm I went back and drove straight to see the doc. So dia check air kencing, memang la kotor. Kasik ubat cam air garam ke hapa and few pills. By that time, memang dah demam dah. So balik tido. It took almost 3 days to recover. Dalam masa 3 hari tu, request-request untuk bersenggama tu, memang la di reject. I told him kena sex ban for 1 year sebab dia tak exercise hygine in sex activities, sebab tu I dapat UTI. But then, seperti biasa la, wa kena tuduh sebab wa pi main merata dengan jantans mana. Righttt!!! Malas la nak defend, so wa cuti sex la for few weeks. Best! Sebenarnya memang malas nak layan, bukan apa kadang bila dia high tu..dia buat wa macam wa ni rabbit iklan energizer tu..selagi batteri tak abis..selagi tu la..dia dok ketuk drum tu. Please sayang.. you so good sayang..pujuk rayu seorang yang kuat nafsunya kepada seekor rabbit yang bermain drum tanpa hentinya. Trauma beb! Thinking that you have to go through such a long and weird sex session just to satisfy him. Oh tolong!

Then after a week just when I was about to regain energy and kick some asses, I was hit by strong vertigo. I remember that night, I came back home a bit late. Just right after I stepped into the house, he said something that triggered the strong pain in my head and it started to spin. I can't remember which one was that - either the part he was angry coz he booked spa room for a man masseur to massage me and I came back late, so cancel (actually memang saje) or the part he was teasing me as my petticoat’s lace was torn (tak perasan) and I that I got no money to buy and was humiliating me infront of my kids, so not sure which one was the cause. So I quickly hit the shower and lied down and tried to sleep. But even when I closed my eyes, I can feel things like spinning and it caused me nause and nak muntah. Dah la balik lapar..tapi tak larat nak makan. I tried to sleep feeling hungry, frustrated and really down.

So the next day, I couldn't walk and woke up coz the vertigo was getting worst. I had my daughter and him to carry me to see doctor. So doctor gave some meds to stop the nausea feel, some other ubat-ubatan. Baru la ada selera nak makan, else makan je nak muntah and some energy. So I basically rest, tido and lied down tengok tv je. I got my lovely daughter took care of me, alhamdulliah.

Then after few days, dah sihat la sket and since he was craving for my petpet for few weeks dy, kita lunaskanlah those overdues. Sebab dah overdue, banyak la requestnya. Ni lagi satu nak highlight, activiti oral sebenarnya tak berapa nak hygiene jugak ye. It can exposed you to lots of oral disease too seperti sakit tekak dan batuk (to exhume the phlegm) . For example, if the IT is not in clean condition, or if you suck and dip and suck again, pon kena jugak. Or if you got semen stuck in your throat, it could give you sore throat jugak. So sapa yang kena? Mak jugakk... yang kena sakit nye dik oiii! Lelaki tak kena nye sakit tekak dan batuk berpanjangan, unless you go and suck some other dick (gay yo!) or you can suck your own dick (either IT is that looong..it still gay practice yo!). So I got batuk-batuk kaler kuning immediately the next morning and was down with fever for 2- 3 days. Doctor tak kasik antibiotic coz it's still new, so deman recover nye cepat tapi batuknya..panjang bawak ke 3 minggu nak hilang. Penat dok batuk-batuk. Nak meeting pon payah la..caner nak maintain muka hayu tiber batuk kong kong.

Tula, citernya. Sakit-sakit pon, tugas-tugas penting sebagai ibu-isteri-boss tetap kita teruskan. Itulah perjuangan hidup namanya. (*hugs myself). Many depend on me and likewise too, to move on with our lifes.

He asked me yesterday, why I never kiss him before went to bed. You never did love me right? You're arrogant! I love you so much you know.

I still can't answer him. I asked my heart..did I not love him? Did the reason he asked was because he's not feeling love out of me? Maybe. I do love him, whatever that mean. But I just feel something is missing, seolah-olah cinta itu hilang rohnya.(cewah). It seems like the essence of it was just not there. You know, when you love someone you can just smile thinking of that person. I wish I can. Maybe I just need time. No doubt he has done lot to me despite all stuff I wrote in this blog. I continue this life thinking of good things he have done, for real. I can't live long and with sanity, if I would be living thinking of bad things that he did. For that, it's between me and him and I will always forgive him and hope that Allah forgives me for that.

He's my husband to whom I suppose to think of above anything. And how can I do that when he keep on reminding me to be with other men? He admitted that he's weird and will get mad if I pretend not to understand his needs. But how can you not sympathize when your husband beg you? It's hard really.

And in the end, when all weirdness normalizes, what becomes you?

Happy New Year sumer. Semoga tahun yang lebih baik for all of us. Bye and be good.

* tis one can surely make me smile and perasan sekejap

Wishing for better horizon

I have this urge feeling in need to make something extraordinaire for good closure. Something to proof to myself that I'm not really a burden or something that my kids or him to be proud of. Entah la, I used to be so ambitious about making good things for the society but then lepas kawin, it's all about the family. Family is the priority. Tapi kadang sedih la jugak, though you know you tried your best to take care of them, gave them all that they need, they still feel it wasn't enough. You feel frustrated and sad, because you still need their love in return to rejuvenate all the strength and effort that you've put through. Tapi yela, it all will just pass by. Like many mothers and wife, they are full of love, sadness and frustrations are just like drops of water into the sea. There's so much love inside and they continue to poor it la kan.

Versus if you making deeds to charity org or some strangers, the satisfactions is all yours. There's no one is putting expectation on you except yourself. I did some charity work before with unfortunate kids and homeless (golongan bergelendangan - weird words tho). You felt satisfied that you have helped them in anyway you can. To see some smiles and hope in their eyes. It gives you perspectives of lifes that you'd never thought off. And I would came back home to share my experience with my kids on how lucky they are and the need to help whoever that in need. That we need not to be millionaire to do that. Our contributions can be in terms of taxes, zakat, emotional and physical support. There's 2 things I want them to do before and after they are on their own - first is to travel out of country and 2nd to volunteer for charity work.

I still feel that I need to do more than that. Bila ada email on charity work, meloncat2 hati ni hah nak pi. Tapi tu lah, hal kat rumah pon nak kena juggle sebab wa made up the statistic parents yang maidless. So need to put things in place dulu, then can think of other people, and so he said, which is true in some way.

Menjelang ujung tahun ni la, I'm starting to review when I actually can make it to 5 figure. I know I can make in in another 2 years or maybe 1 1/2 years. It comes along with pressure and expectation. Am I ready? Mendengar dan melihat rakan-rakan kerja yang blah after being offered 5 figure salary ni memang la teruja. Market macam tu la agaknya. Best friends pon ramai dah set-set 5 figure and some tak main dah MYR nih, memangla rasa tempted gilo nak mengejar duit. Sapa tanak gila la. And at same time you start to question, what makes you slow in climbing the ladder and whether that justify to some incapabalities in you? Tula, wasting time dok melayan nafsu jantans, otak jadi tak focus la. Gamaknya ler. Not that I regret, it's just something that I need to go through I guess. You don't really have manual in store to guide you through those morbidness anyway.

I guess, when I have more money which comes which higher job profile, I can have more time to do charity work, I hope. Jadi boss besar ni sebenarnya kerja less hectic than boss kecik. Pressure je kena manage. Ala..stress-stress wa DIY dapat multiple-O sette ahh.. Idea pon datang melimpah ruah. Muahahha

Boss besar ni keje dia kena good in strategizing and need to have experts that are good in giving advises. Network kena powers to get things done.  Then ensure execution jalan. Sapa tak buat kerja, off with his head gitew! Hahahaha! Bitch giler!

OK la sempena menyambut Awal Muharram dan hujung tahun yang semakin dekat ni, Marissa ingin salam-salam la, dan ucapkan selamat untuk semua dan semoga kita menjadi hamba-Nya yang diberi petunjuk yang benar dalam setiap kebenaran dan juga dalam setiap kebatilan, panjang umur dan diberkati hidup hendaknya.

Selamat bercuti semua. Wa cuti dah abis, so cuti skola cover weekend dan area dekat-dekat je. Tapi budak2 ni janji ada swimming pool or pantai suka sangat dah! Ok la daaa...

Giving out foods to homeless near Puduraya. Another life and light of KL 

heart for thoughts

Alhamdulillah my dad's heart operations went well. Nama panjang operation tu ialah Coronory Artery Bypass Graft (CABG). They took veins from his leg and replaced it with 3 stems that were blocked in his heart (lebih kurang camtu la).

So I took 1 week leave and flew over to my hometown in Edinburgh Scotland (tipu). He went with me for 3 days and I'm glad coz he's around. My siblings were all there too.

My dad came to concious a day after, but he was a bit groggy and moody but overall he's ok. It was a taxing week - woke up at 6am and came back from hospital late night by 12 or 1am everyday. Kaki dah melecet asik tawaf hospital, jalan sana sini settling things and badan pon makin penat. There's one night, while me and my siblings were walking back to our car, my bro said he saw 'something' at the hospital. Jeng jeng jeng...

I asked him ' awak nampak Ju-On ke? Dia cakap haah.

I asked him again ' Dekat corrider tu ke? Dia cakap Haah

Dia buat apa? Wa tanye.

My bro said ' dia tengah duduk mencangkung kat ujung corridor tu, muka macam blur, pakai baju uniform hospital'

So we all like Okayyyy...I told him that I had goosebumps when passing that corridor. Tapi sebab takde tempat lain dah nak lalu bila malam..so terpaksa la lalu..so dah immune.

After 3 days, him, all my bro and sis dah balik. Tinggal la wa bersama ibu tiri wa menjaga ayah. And because I'm the last to stay keje wa memang asik to and fro to airport jela, to fetch and send them, since sumer timing tak sama. Haihh.. Masa derang takde la kipas aircond kereta jem and so kereta pon overheat la plak. Terpaksa la wa berenti tepi jalan, pi beli air mineral 5.5litre isi dalam karburator..ke radiotor? Ntah... So tu wa tunggu la nanti my bro balik untuk repair.

Seminggu tak kerja memang la best, dapat melepak dengan my siblings yang ramai tu and most of all with me dad. Everytime he wanted to cough, he need to press the small pillow onto his chest. He also need to exercise his lung using spirometer. His chest was binded with vest, so he feel a bit comfortable. The doctors were all nice people and we had interesting conversation about life. And sebab doc tu foreigner we ended up speaking Landen la..Mmmmm..The joy we get is to see patients recover and go back home happily - kata doktor itu. Yayaya. And Its logic and common sense that when you see you dad need to go surgery like this, that you stop smoking? He was referring to other patients, tapi mak sentap la kejap. Huhu. Doktor ni macam tau la plak.

Bila balik tu tengok email inbox yang beribu riban, tiber je rasa sesak nafas. Haihh..Just called me mom, and dad will be discharged today. Alhamdulillah. I pray and hope that he will be a better person than he used to be, since dah given 2nd chance and pakai recycle parts ni kan..

Till we meet again.





We were not in Sibu, but my bro saw this that night and was excited as he claimed he saw UFO siotss.. We laughed calling him delusional sbb masa kecik tak dapat jumpa UFO. Skali esoknya..keluar paper daa..they said it's object pegun. Tapi my bro said pegun apanya..siap leh round round naik atas bawah lagi..he still insist that was a UFO and he's the chosen one kunun..And tis is far more gempakk than nampak Ju-On..Hahaha..ape ape la bang oii..janji happy.

I guess, there's always miracles and things that transcended our mind that we tend to forget, lies somewhere to remind us how small we are and such limited knowledge we have to even imagine about it. And as long as we know that's the fact, we need to keep our humanity and strive for knowledge. Macam cikgu la plak.. Ok la bye.

it's raining not in Spain

Musim-musim sejuk begini kadang kala bisa mengundang pelbagai ereksi. Masalah! Not to me but I guess to many that have issue in controlling those lively creatures under their pants.

Again I'm in different kinda life phase now. No more pressure being setup to fuck some man, share hornychats, dickpictures or tell stories about those men that crazy about getting inside me. 'Crazy' tu ayat-ayat budget je..dengan harapan wa akan tersungkur dalam pujuk rayu mereka. 'Crazy' itu juga ayat-ayat from him to sort of to make me feel good, and so I would share stories with him on who actually said that and make him wanted to fuck me. Oh! Sungguh tidak la kan. Wa sekarang buat bodo je. Marah pon iye. It's not something that I'm proud of, really.

Takat wa layan test skill je boleh la. Tapi kalau total reject kesian plak kan..And I did it slowly dan penuh kasih sayang. Mereka juga manusia yang lemah. Ada masa dia tegak ada masa dia terkulai di atas batu jembala :) So layan je secara berhemah, sebab wa adalah seorang yg budiman gitu. Biasa la.. man, they always thought they are the master of the game, budget boleh makan..so wa kasik chance la for them to think that way.. And fuckers always thought - Hey real man don't buy sex babe! Kesian, not with me. When it's time to let go, I let go. They all have no essence to my life.

Disposing period can be fun. To let them know how it feels to be unwanted. Let them wonder were they not good? Let them ponder... kecik sgt ke? Tak cukup panjang ke? Performance tahap cipan ke? Let them live with the thoughts that they are not that great after all. Over years, I learn that their dicky are their most important asset coz it can superseeds their brain. It also the cause  to many health problems like migraine, hypertension, stiff neck, sesak nafas (stok-stok air dah bertakung kat otak). Only those that are strong can really maneuver it?. Tu pon ramai yang struggling, I guess. I don't know exact really, like I said before I don't have penis I can play with anyways.

Pandai dalam merayu dan memujuk. Janganlah mudah terpedaya wahai anak-anak dan adik-adik ku. It's all games sayang. It's thrilling for both, but they have ulterior motives and you are naive. You'll loose and worst your soul. Jadilah wanita yang bijak..jangan jadik cam hakak ni hah kay sayang!

Yang direct ajak main pun ada, so wa reject pun direct jugak..senang citer, but we remain acquaintance. We both know the games. They share with me what they do with their fuckbuddies. All I need is their stories to remind me how these kinda men do exist, know their games and how sleek they are. 

Yang berhalus dan main pusing-pusing pun ada but we follow the game la. They are not that harmful. All you gotta do is to demonstrate how you have good faith in all their doings and saying. I gotta repo to maintain anyways (*what kinda repo u have? U kan FOC! Like what he always said..duhh!) .The need to look naive but not stupid. Just careful.

They are now dispensable and I no longer need them for him. It's another phase that I need to deal with. He's more incline to watching porn or visiting sexstoriesblog on web in which I'm not stopping him at all. I just felt relieved from the burden and pressure to provide him those shits. But after few months, it's another different stories. You know how this filthy things can be so addictive and spoil your brain and eyes. Weekends became unproductive. What he would do is just eat and lay on bed and surf the net tengok porn. Alasan, sebab kurang sihat and need to rest, yeah right. I was so pissed coz he's not helping at all. And I don't even have a minute to rest. And at night dah bila menyondol-nyondol, I just ignore him and made him angry..siap sound..Kang I carik lain layan I baru tau..

Wa buat donno..pegi lerr..I was having my period pain siotss..tu pon dia taktau..period pain ni sakit dia lebih kurang macam contraction nak beranak la..so memang la sakit..especially kalau yang strong. I can't really talk much, sebab terlalu sakit sampai berdengung rasa kepala. Pastu merajuk plak sebab burung dia tak de sarang nak hinggap. Haihh..stress wa.

Well, it's more of dealing with his life rather than mine. Penat tu memang la weihh!! Coz it's definitely not the kind of life you wanted. I'm too ashamed to think of life I want anyways. I have my kids, that's enough for me.

Talking about rain, I still have to take his laundry in middle of the rain. When I ask him why he can't do it? I mean can't he do it at least once? He said coz I'm stronger and he's trapped in traffic that evening and he's tired bla bla bla..like I'm not? Apa gunanya seorang isteri kan..jika tidak untuk mengumbirakan dan memudahkan hidup seorang suami...Duhhh!!

Tapi yelah..kesabaran tu masih ada. Sabar je la walaupun terang-terang memang kena bully dengan suami sendiri. He is the reason for all this love? and hate for man. He taught all the things I need to know about man so that I understand his needs and others, satisfy him and can be his toys always. And I have the obligation to protect and teach my dotter and son to be good person. Arghh such a conflicting character a person can have. Dangerous I know.

No more tears, just consoling myself that there is something bigger than this. And it's just part of the preparation. It doesn't matter if it's not true, because I just need some hope to hold on. That's all I can do and that is what I'm best at (*besides sex - kasik credit sendiri).

I'm having BBQ near poolside this evening. Hari-hari asik ujan je ni.. Hopefully it will not rain please! Else makan ayam goreng je lerr.. Have nice rest uols.

 

*taktau ahh caner nak rotate ini pic..that's my feet alright..just wish I can have this view everyday :)

my lil pincet

She's 4 but she speaks her mind macam budak besar. She's 4 but she has seen a lot of my life. Masyallah! Tapi bab nangis high pitch tu memang tak leh lawan la..leh cair gegendang telinga. Only me as her mother leh tahan la kan. The daddy terus naik BP okeh! Standard la owang laki! Nampak perkasa tapi tak ramai yg kebal dengan screaming and crying pitch of babies or kids! That's the fact la kann...

She's a girl who always wants to look pretty like her mom. Choose her own clothes to wear, brush her teeth twice a day, asking me when her gigi rongak nak cantik, asking me to do tocang, wear headbands, likes to eat kismis and kurma coz I told her that can make her smart girl. Suka sangat main online game dress up girls and cooking. And because I sent her to Islamic kindergarden, she likes to sing Islamic songs, Arabic songs in which I know most of them and sing along. Tapi bila menari macam Kpop girls la plak! Haih!! "Mami jangan pakai sexy tau! Nanti masuk neraka! Mami dah maghrib..solat! Ahh..okay sayang! Selamba je dia sound wa. Hehe. She's my lil girl. Hope she stays that way.

So last night, I had a sweet conversation with her while putting her to bed.

She said..Mommy nanti adik dah besar kann..adik nak ingat balik..macam mana mami jaga adik..pegang tektek mami masa tido..hantar adik pegi skola..beli nasi lemak..bawak adik pegi jalan..pegi Tesco, Giant..Pastu pergi London, Paris..tapi masa tu kan..adik tak ingat la macam mana Paris London tu.

Adik kan kecik lagi..nanti adik besar adik pergi la travel. Tapi..nanti adik dah besar..mami dah tua dah..adik dah tanak kawan mami dah..adik ada kawan gegirls adik sendiri..

Huwaaa...terus dia nangis and hug me. Adik tanak mami tua..adik nak kawan mami..adik sayang mami..huwaaa..huwaaa... wa pon nangis daaa...so touching moment!

I hope she remember what she said when she grew up. I pray that her life will be protected from bad things always and she will grow up to be beautiful and smart girl. Tak sempat plak nak record confession dia..kalu dia notty besar nanti..siap ko! Hahaha

Slowly I'm teaching her to be my lil girl. Teaching her things I was never thought during my young times and those self taught lessons. She needs to be smart so she can make wise decision in her life. I even ask her to speak to the kurma that she's about to eat, so that the kurma will also help her to make her smart and healthy. Hah! Macam takde kena mengena! Hehehe.

Nanti bila dia dah remaja, wa nak ajar dia caner nak jadi superwoman. Haha. To head her up with all life challenges, caner nak membaca gerak geri lelaki, tipu helah derang bagai. Sebab these boys they start young due to biological needs..cuma bila dah besar..trick je hupgrade sket..walaupun concept nye masih sama. So wa kena equip my lil girl. She can't have the perception that boy/man will protect her from harm! (except her brother) Bullshit sumer tu girl! So she need to take care of herself well, to be independant and not to depend on others.

And having said that, I will assure that my son respct woman - to be a man that lead and protect his family. Jangan menggunakan kehenseman dan kepandaian untuk mempermainkan hati perempuan. Challenge is for boy/man ni sumer thrill and excitement. Kalo dia akil baligh nanti and stim how??? Caner wa nak handle? I don't have penis so can't really put myself into his shoes la kan. Tapi sebab wa banyak la gak penis experience or how it can make man go nuts, hopefully wa can guide him. Nanti wa research lah dengan lebey mendalam.For girls takde perasaan ni sumer, so area ni agak selamat.

With him, it's getting better now. Permintaan lucah melampau tu, memang wa buat bodo je sekarang. Cuma bila keadaan terdesak sahaja wa ikutkan la permintaannya. Atas dasar kasih atau kasihan tu...at that point of time, I'm not really sure, tapi dalam hati..wa LililahiTaala je lah! Sesungguhnya Allah juga maha mengetahui apa yang wa sendiri tatau. Like I always pray, if this marriage is the best for me, I wish for Allah to bless this relationship and if it's not, to make separation as smooth as possible. Wa pasrah dan redha je la dengan ujian ini. Kesabaran ni masih ada, so I'm using it prudently la kot.

Salam Jumaat semua. Makan pisang banyak-banyak! It's a happy fruit :)