aftermath

Well..it’s been a week now. So what do you do when you were given a second chance of life to live as you wanted to? I’m still having a hangover over this divorce. Coincidently, it’s a week after ErraF get hers too. Walau pon mak tak de la nak pakai sepek hitam besor and mask but I can feel her. For whatever reasons marriage dissolution can be, the processes to go through it were hurtful for both as it involves looking back to love, trust and dreams once built crumbled. And especially when it involves children, a testament to those seeds you were once hoping to hold and strengthen the relationship till you grow old. Fate? I don’t know. I don’t really know what it is. What I’ve learnt is that it’s all about timing and effort. Having said all that, I’m glad that I finally get the divorce. Looking back through last few months ordeal, I finally can smile, breathe and have my sanity.

My only worry is my kids. Worry if they aren’t able to adapt with their new life without a mother to pamper them. Worry about having the thoughts that they will hate me for leaving them. Worry they are not independent enough to brace their school days and school issues and that they don’t have me to listen and talk about it.

Well after today’s day out with them, I realized that they all are doing just fine. They no longer seem tensed and reserved. Kakak sounds excited and smiling while telling stories about her school activities and her favorite Kpop group EXO. And I kept reminding her to focus on her studies and that those men in Kpop group were not my idea of a man should be coz I can differentiate if they were male or female. Pfffftt! And that she must not disclose private and sensitive information to stranger online and she definitely need to diet to build her self confidence. Nagging like a mother should be. And she goes… yeah yeah yeah mummy!

Abang was bubbly telling stories about him winning 1st place in merentas desa last week. And I went rubbing his head against my chest telling him how proud I was. I told him that he’s just like me because I was once a long distance runner but only managed to get 2nd place and that he’s much stronger than me. We were discussing about the breathing technique and how to sustain the momentum till finishing line. I was so happy for him but at same time holding my tears because I was not there to see him at the finishing line. I’ve never missed his sports day before because he always gets the 1st place.

Then I sent him to his guitar class and had a chat with his rocker teacher about his progress. He said he can play quite number of songs and he had good voice too. Well, it made my day. He has been in the class for a year now and with this rocker teacher for about 4 months. He requested to change to younger teacher as he said Mr Lim was a bit boring. So I requested to change to this rocker teacher and I can see drastic change in his motivation and the feel when he strummed his guitar. I always told him that with music you have to feeelllll…kena ada jiwa bang! You are using your whole brain to be one. Baru la abang feeelll and orang yang dengar tu feeelllll!! Paham?? Ye..paham mummy!… Ntah paham ke idok budak ni. Ishh.

I discontinued paying the Astro bill, kakak handphone bill and no longer need to pay for the groceries and food expenses. The guitar classes fee was the only fee that I agreed to continue paying. My ex is not paying for it because he said guitar classes were not a necessity. And fuck I won’t let him do that to my son. My son told me that it’s ok if he stopped the guitar class since dad is not going to pay for it. He was sad and holding his cry while saying it. I told him that it’s ok because I’m paying for it. He hugged me tight saying thank you. He loves playing guitar and I know he can play very well one day. I can’t wait to see that day.

My youngest daughter who is 6 years old was sitting on my lap and told me that next year she wanted to go school near the house area, because all her BFFs will be going to the same school. I was persuading her to stay with me next year so I can send her to a private school when she’s 7 years old.

Tak pe kan mami? Mami tak paksa adik kan? Ye takpe, adik sekolah mana yang adik suka..tapi kena jadi pelajar cemerlang okay! Okay mami and she smiled.

I guess, she has also adapted well to this life without me in her daily routines. I was happy because they are doing just fine now and happy with their life and that is good. But at same time I was sad inside because I realized that I will be living my life alone now. They no longer need me to be there with them daily, because they have overcome it.

I will only be a weekend mother who spent few hours with them over weekend or alternate weekend. And meanwhile I need to hold myself everyday from crying for missing them so much. Every time I saw kids walking or sitting near me in restaurant or public places I got drifted easily back to memories when I was with my kids. It touches me so much in the heart, because I have so much of a motherly love in me but I can no longer spill and share it out with my kids daily. I just want to kiss and hug them like I always did everyday for the last 15 years. And now it’s gone. I know I’m a good loving mother, and I’m just afraid if I’ll loose it and forgot how to be one someday.

I reckon and had to admit that this is what real sacrifice is. Leaving him and that house was the right thing to do. He no longer has me as his object to abuse and the kids no longer had to witness how their father treated their mother and be his alliance, without them noticing it. They are living in healthy environment without me around, I guess. The ex now is taking up his obligation to be a responsible father and of course pay for their expenses. That’s what a man should be doing after all. So I guess, that’s why the kids are happy because the father is playing his role as good father. I know he’s trying hard so that the kids will keep on staying with him instead of me. I’m fine because my main objective is for the kids to be happy. It’s not fair to push them to go through another change and pressure since they’ve already struggled and managed to go thorough it.

I realized it is me then who need to start making change and plan for my new life. I need to move to live this life again even if it has to be walking all alone. I guess it’s more on how to deal with the feeling of missing the kids and different kind of daily routines. At this moment, it’s a little bit unorganized and I like organized things, that is. 

Loneliness does hit me once in a while, especially when night comes and you’re sleeping all alone. I slept with kids besides me before and got dragged by him whenever he needs to have a fuck, that is. I used to have my daughter hugging me and me watching her while she’s falling asleep. And now that’s gone too.

I do get shivers when I’m in need of sex. It was rough all the times, and I’m relieved that I no longer need to go through those traumatic nights anymore. But I guess the body to some extend; do signal the brain to trigger those endorphins to be released based on the normal frequency you usually get. Feel like asking my lawyer Tuan Haji Suleiman Akhlaken to hand me back those fucking dildos he kept for evidence material, and so I did.

And Encik Man asked, you really want it back Marissa?

Jeeezz, I’m kidding la Encik Man, that’s my sufferings medium, of course not. You can hand it to the sex museum or make a keychain if you want. Hahahaha..I laughed cam tu. Haihh..mak pasrah je la, I got high just thinking about what DNV can do me and give me those multipleOs babeh! Mak tido gigit jari noks!!

I don’t disclose my divorce to just anybody. I’m a private person, ironically. Kalau ramai jantanss tau mak dah jadi janda hot..masakkk nokss!! Seriously I don’t really need those nuisances right now. And all they want is to just ‘fitting in’ to my ‘tight’ and vulnerable state? Dok gitu? Well, maybe not all..but that's the game by default. Kalau rezeki tak kan tolak kan bro?? Typical leteww..

Anywayss..I can and will get over it, now that I know I have him to be there when I’m in need. He’s almost my perfect match and I finally found him in my darkest sorrow of life and to be my light to see life and love beautifully again. The sad thing is, I’m still scared and traumatized to be in another commitment. 

I guess I’m too scared to get hurt again and be in another complicated life. But what’s life without complications. All I want really is to have the courage to say I-love-you again to a man that I know I can live life with and grow old gracefully together. Jiweng sehhh!!!

I guess, I just need some time to heal this heart and to be same person but with an upgraded version gituu.. I hope I turn out to be better person.

It's over now

It’s finally over today. I’ve done it. I have freed myself from the ruthless past and won fight to claim my sanity and dignity back again. At point of writing this, I still don’t know what to feel. Yes I am happy yet I’m not sure what kind of happiness it is. If I may describe it metaphorically, it’s like seeing me in a white thin long dress, spreading a long white shawl holding it with both hands and spreading it over my head, smiling and dancing round and round in a wide misty moor under the moonlight. Whoaaa..jiwang sehh!! I just could not believe that it’s finally over. I still remember last 2 months that he said he won’t make it an easy gateway for me and I knew he would.

I have lost hope before and never thought I could have made the journey to this extend. Well yeah!! It was finally over babeh. It’s time to move forward now and no longer looking back. I have another whole long new journey to go through and it’s solely up to me to chart it again, to decide how and what I’m going to make it. I’ve been given second chance to life and I must not ruin it on my own capacity. It’s my life and I decide how it’s going to be. It’s a huge responsibility now mann!  Plan plan plan! I need plan!

I could had never reached this path without help from my parents, siblings and closest friends who gave me the support when I needed them. And above all I am indebted to my savior, my hero and my angel who has been with me from the start, to guide and inspire me tirelessly. He saved me from darkness and gives me light to a whole new life. How a person was willing to help another person whom he barely knew in less than 2 months? Ni bukan standard tolong-tolong tukar tayar bocor tepi jalan ye. If I were to take the whole package of help it would cover a psychologist, a consultant, a banker, a doctor, a profiler, a researcher, a maharaja lawak mega, a warden asrama yang garang and an artist who appreciate fine arts and beauty. And it covers almost a 24/7 services. Dasattt!!! Oh one more thing.. he was there too.. waiting in the car at the court parking compound till my court hearing was over. So pakej cover reporter jugak la! I didn’t ask him to come but his near presence did give me strength when my ex was reading the lafaz. I almost break down, but his words came to my mind – “dia dera awak for 15 years..dia hina awak..how can you let someone did that to you?? You don’t deserve that!”

And I had my strength back again and not a single tear ran out and in fact I was calm. Really calm.

The marriage dissolution was done with both consents. The reasons or summon statements were not mentioned in courts as not to put both Plaintiff (me) and Defendant in shame (tidak mengaibkan kedua-dua pihak). Both has agreed on the terms and condition of the settlement. Under the Mahkamah Syariah jurisdiction, he has agreed to pay sum of Iddah and Mutaah and no nafkah to be paid as the children will be under his custody. He raised his concern about the harta sepencarian to the judge (ni kes sebab takut I’ll take all things in the hosue that I bought. Giler tak tau malu). However the judge mentioned that he needed to file that in High Court as it’s not under Mahkamah Syariah jurisdiction. Same goes to the other petty points.

He read the lafaz talak with heavy heart, I know. He cried even before he started to read the statement. He asked the judge for few seconds to compose himself before reading the statement.

Bismillahirrahmannirahim. Saya Mr Abuser dengan ini melafazkan cerai ke atas Marissa dengan talak 1 …

I was staring at him when he read that statement. No tears shed from my eyes.

Outside the court he almost lost himself. He started to call my dad (what the hell he called my dad for!!) and I was pissed coz I know my dad just came out from OT for his endoscope procedures. Then he called my daughter and my mom! He was saying that it’s all over and was asking for apologies. Watefak la..Pehal ko tak tepon bapak kesayangan ko tu!

He walked off to his car then came back again and talked to my step dad and walk off back to his car again. My step dad told me that he didn’t understand what the hell he was saying. I told my dad that he’s not that strong after all and what he has done to me came back haunting and is eating him up.

He looked very disturbed and angry. He didn’t even looked at me because he knew that he has lost the battle to me. He never like to loose to anything. You can know by the way he drives his car. I had been in many situations where he would stop the car in middle of road or in chasing pursuit just because someone overtook him or driving near to the car bumper. It was a crazy situation where I would just sit quietly in car praying that nothing bad happened to me and the kids. There was one time he quarreled with a man by a roadside because that man car scratched his side mirror. It was dragged to a nearby police station for the police officer to settle it. Memang gila! His temper did scare me and my kids.

I no longer afraid of him but my dad advised me to be careful. He may get a bit haywire and not able to accept that I no longer his wife and ended up doing something out of his mind. Ok I will and hopefully I’ll be protected from harm always.

I’m OK but I’m just sad thinking about my kids. No mother would dessert their kids they care since birth unless there’s no other choice in life. I hope they will understand one day why their mother has to take this path and forgive me for leaving them. I hope.

It's over now..mari kita tepuk pengakap!! Adios.

and the battle begins - Part III

So I’ve called the police to follow up on the report I’ve made last December on his father’s molestation charge. The agreed action was to call his father for questioning and to give him warning not to repeat his satanic doings ever again. I decided not to charge him after I’ve heard on the procedures shared by the police lady on how and  what my kids need to go through. Basically they will need to be quarantined in the hospital for thorough check ups on their body and private parts which will take for few days until JKM authorized that they can be discharged. No one is allowed to visit them except very close family members. They will need to stand in court to give statements and no one can help them throughout the interrogations and proceeding. The process will not be that fast to finalize and settled. She also shared some of the cases on child molestation by a father and how the mom finally withdraw the charge at the end of the day, due to pressure and after she reconciled with her husband. Sad indeed. What a weird and sick world we are living in.

I told the police lady that I don’t want to have my kids to go through all that as it will further traumatized them and asked for her suggestions on how to manage that. However I don’t want to withdraw my charge on my in law because it did happened and I want it to be part of the police record forever, until he died.

What’s been written as his sin in the World-after it’s between him and God and it need to be recorded in this current world because it’s between him and me and my kids. It’s my responsibility as a mother that brought them to this world, to protect them from harm and any abusive act, even though their father is a coward. I want his father’s life record to be tainted bad that it superseded all his whole good pious portrayed life before seems useless and meaningless. Tak guna la bro..ko dok bangga sekolah MCKK konon pandai..born to lead ke hapa jadah..tapi keje ko molest budak kecik. Kalu ko masuk jail for molesting kids..masakkk bro!!!

Anyways..I managed to talk to the police to ask details of it. She said she’s been trying to call my father in law many times but he seemed to be out of town for many weeks. Takut leteww..And when she finally got him on the phone and asked him to come to police station, he said that his car broke down and giving many excuses. So the police lady came to his house. She told me that during that time, my mother in law was there to hear the statement made.

Basically my father in law didn’t confess on the charges and was diverting the real issue telling her that I charged him because I was filing for divorce.

I told her I did file for divorce and part of it was due to that reason. But since I have moved out from that house and living with my parents and my kids are still staying with my husband, I need reassurance that my kids are safe. Their grandfather may come and visit them and may do the same thing again and I’m not there to protect them. (I want their father to know that too, so that he wouldn’t have slightest intention to do harm to my kids too. I do think for worst now, since I know what he’s capable of doing).

I guess polis ni pandai buat kerja because finally his father told her that he actually bergurau jer (sebijik jawapan like he always said to me when he insulted me). Macam sial!!! Gurau apa tu lahanat??? Pegang pepet cucu sendiri? Cakap kotor dengan cucu ?? Gurau ko kata!! I just wish I can kick his balls and tell him… Mar gurau je abah!! Sakit ker telor tu?? Gurau jer..tak pe kan??

So the police sound ler dia..gurau apa macam tu pakcik!! Tak kan la pakcik tak tau nak beza gurau dengan cabul?? And she gave him strong warning that if he ever did that again and if they received another report on this, they will not hesitate to take him to balai and locked him up and proceed to charge. I think that shivered him. I can imagine my mother in law’s reaction. She is a nice person and she probably aware of his satanic behavior. Maybe my kids were not his first victim, who knows. But I guess she herself was subjected to many years of mental and emotional abused and  manipulated by her husband. She may have finally gave up on her life too and what more to give a heck about others. Tutup mata, tutup telinga and finally tutup je hati. That’s her life I guess. And I predict that to happen to me if I stayed with him years ahead.

So I expressed my many thanks to the police lady and appreciation for the action they have made. I am satisfied now and feel that at least I know my kids are protected.

So that was also the reason why he has not been texting me for many days. I guess his father might have called him and scolded him on the charge I’ve made. Ni macam kes Master Yoda sudah marah protégé dia Luke Skywalker sebab tak reti nak beli bateri vibrator Lightsaber daa.. Master Yoda sudah marah..so tak leh la naik next level. He probably was angry with me, but he can’t do much since it’s already a police matter and now he knows that I’m not just saying! Don’t ever mess with me now!

My life without his harassments for days was totally bliss!! I can then focus on my work and planning for my move to new place to live.

That was then, and today it’s CNY and I have moved to my own place now. It’s a new fully furnished studio unit and I do love it. Mak sedih la jugak masa angkut barang turun naik lift tu sorang-sorang. I had my brother, who was around my area to help me carry up balance of 2 huge boxes of my clothes and a microwave left in my car.

Tomorrow I’m seeing my kids because he’s bringing them out of town during these holidays. Well..they seem excited so I’m happy for them. And I will be spending my times beli barang rumah sikit.. woohoo.. kemas gosok kain baju..decorate sket2 ke..and catching up reading books. Kawan-kawan ada je ajak lepak-lepak..tapi I don’t feel like it. Sekarang ni macam nak dok rumah hibernate je.

One of my best friends who is now living in Singapore was telling me, how I should be happy because I was given a second chance to start a new life again. She said, deep down inside many of us wish that they could start their life all over again and that I’m blessed to be given that second chance. Come to think of it, maybe she is right and I’m happy to hear that from her. It did give me different perspective of how I should be planning for my life onwards.

Till next time. Have good holidays peeps!

and the battle begins - Part II

3rd week onwards

He started to get delusional saying that I still need to support the kids emotionally  even though I will have new life and family. Right..family dah masuk..tak abis-abis delusional and with his cuckold traits.

Then he started to grumble how difficult to handle the kids.

How he don't have anyone, and kept asking for my forgiveness. Telling that I can ask anything as long as we are not separated. That I can keep all his money as long as he have me and just tell him what he needs to do to have me back...you are my life and I can't live without you kinda shit la.

I didn't answer most of his wassup and that annoyed him. So he pushed and pressured me to answer his messages saying that he needed to know whether I still have heart for him or sympathize him so he can decide to give me talak 1 or max (AGAIN!!). Ko gila talak la nanti bro!!

And since I didn't replied to his text, so he's giving me max...tapi cakap.."to me you're the only one I love and never forget" (gilo la). And he keep on harassing, asking me why do I kept quiet and not sympathizing him

I love you so much ampun kan la dosa I...Marrrrr please!!


And I just laughed. Evil laugh.

He called my lawyer for out of court settlement..said I'm calculative and fed up and said that I've not been sincere bringing up the kids.


This is the time I shoot him with my long kept anger. Depan asik pujuk tapi blakang he's bad mouthing me to my mom dad and my kids. I don't know what he may have said to the neighbors.

Then he started to create new story how I've changed that I've discarded the family just to build new life with new husband where the future may not be as good like what I've expected. My daughter was so depressed that she told her sadness to my sister in law. How her father told her that mami dulu tu liar..sebelum abah kahwin dengan mami..mami tu dah kawin tapi tak nikah ...pikimakkkk bastard!!

Then she told him that she no longer wanted to be the middle person to call and persuade me to come back to him. She even thinks that she doesn't want me to live with his father. And she got scolded for saying that where he called her 'anak setan' (something like that) for wanting to see me and him divorced. Lahanatttt punya jantan! How could he insult her that way. Sapa bapak setan sebenarnya??? Then she said dad said sorry for saying that because he was angry!! Useless bastard! Anak tu dah hurt la bangang sebab ko tak dapat control ko nye perangai setan tu!  Tapi tu memang jawapan standard la... ko insult orang macam orang tu kayu..pastu ko say sorry-naik-lori-pegi-mati-la-lu!! I was so pissed off to hear that! I'm not there for him to abuse and insult and he's throwing that to my daughter. Macibai siotss.


Oh did I tell you the reason why I was determined to finally get a divorce? In late  Oct/Nov last year, I got to know from my eldest and youngest daughter that they were molested by their grandfather. He even told my lil daughter that he want to korek pepet mami boleh tak?? I cried and was so angry at same time thinking the trauma that my daughters had to go through and that it was my fault at same time for taking it so long to get out of that crazy and doomed family.. Sial lahanat punya orang tua!! Semayang mengaji berzikir pergi surau every waktu..tapi rupanya setan sebenarnya..He will not die easy until he asked for forgiveness from me and my daughters. I don't care whether you are already 80s years old, what he did is totally unforgiven. I don't think I can even forgive him.


I managed to record few conversations with my lil daughter on how, when and where his atuk pegang her pepet which happened few occasions since April. I made police report and need to secretly bring my kids to police stations for them to take their statements. And yes it did happened and the police lady which was nice to them advise them protect themselves if their atuk did that again. And I keep reiterating them how they should keep themselves away from atuk and if he did that again to kick his kote hard and shout that atuk pegang pepet so that he will feel ashamed and let me know asap so I can also kick his balls hard until he pissed in his pants!! Even now if I see him infront of me, I will definitely loose my temper and will kasik kaw kaw atas muka dia!!!

One thing I learned about this type of people, they insulted you because they felt inferior and tried to take control of others by making them feel guilty, stupid and small in order to gain control over their victim that already felt helpless. In fact, they actually got no ball and they just say things but will not dare do it. The only way to tackle them is to fight back! It took me years to breakthrough this barrier because I have the perception that I need to obey husband nanti tak masuk surga kalau buat suami marah.

Wrong understanding on how woman have been thought throughout their life. Total BS!! Sad indeed. And I ask myself why?? A woman will always have their individual right as a human and no one can take from her not even the husband! Nobody own yourself except yourself. We were created in this world not to be submissive to anyone and deny our own  rights to choose our own mind and thinking and life. Don't get me wrong that the code of conduct of each partnership is essential like understanding and certain level of tolerance but not to the extent to be the sacrificial lamb (like what I had stated in my side bar menu and what my MrGenius always said to me). I will definitely keep reminding my kids about this! You have to learn to respect and love yourself, so that you will understand and appreciate how to love others. And I have to save myself from this hell of life before I can save my kids. Otherwise I will get drowned together with them. True.

So with the guidance and pressure I got from MrG on how to manage him, which were pretty extensive, I finally got to fight him. I will bring out all his past doings, how he had treated me mentally and sexually abused me and how I got manipulated and tricked by him all these years. I will bring up about his father, how he didn't even dare to ask his own father whether his father did pegang pepet of his daughters? And he told my daughter, how could he asked that to his father as he is his son. Nanti abah kena boikot dengan adik beradik abah pulak. Bangsat punya lelaki!! Yet he said he will safeguard his children with his life. Liar takde telur punya jantan!

How he is sick in head and need to see doctor and that he is an abuser and his father is a child molester and both of them are sick and setan. I insult and bring down his balls and ego to my feet. It's payback time. I want him to feel the hell he has made me. Then he will say sorry and ask for forgiveness and cried and ask me not to leave him and start a fresh new life again and not to proceed with the divorce as he was very scared of going to court for the hearing. He don't want everyone to know about the reasons of the divorce which will definitely ashamed him and his family. Aikkk.. cakap nak panggil press bagai! Mana dia press bro?? Mak baru ingat dapat masuk HarianMetro front page pakai sepek itam beso!!

I told him I will never ever go back to him again. I have no heart at all for him and even hate him so much and there's no benefit for me to go back to him except another same cycle of hell because he will never change. 

My little daughter quarreled with his brother and she packed her clothes and asked him to send her to her babysitter's house because she wanted to runaway. He told me that she followed her mother who also runaway from home. I told him how did he managed the kids? Sampai adik pon nak lari rumah? Cakap pandai sangat manage!! I was so angry and so I will take all the kids and fight in the court because he's ruining them and making them sad staying with him. He immediately called me crying over the phone like a baby..

Marissa...please don't do this. I only have them. If you take them away from me, I'll die..please!! You promise that you agree to let them stay with me.

I changed my mind! You cannot handle them! You're ruining them! You insult kakak! You said bad things about me to the kids! What kind of person you ni!!! I'm their mother!

You can't even protect them. I'm going to take them!!

Marissa please..I'm sorry! Sumpah I tak cakap buruk pon pasal you. I will protect them.

Sudah la I malas nak layan.

Ok..if you want to take the kids..I will fight in court!

Yes, you do that! Then we will see if the judge will think you're fit to be their guardian.

Marissa.. please. Ok ..I promise you I will take care of them. I tanak gaduh and ungkit kisah lama..please!!

So I will keep on doing that every time he tried to control me and insult me again. My final words..you tell your stories and you can bring all your fucking evidence to court and let the judge decide who's telling the lies. Then let judge decide whether he is fit to become a father. Silap2 hakim tu suruh you jumpa psychiatrist and the case got referred to police under civil law. Bring it on!!

Then he will call again..begging..Marissa please..don't do this.. blablablablabla..

And the same cycle repeats. He was so deluded with his imaginary boyfriend of mine, then my imaginary husband. He still can't get into his head that the reason I left him were because all those items stated in the penyata saman, where he told me that citer dalam kain cannot be proven and it can all be just a hearsay!! Hearsay kepala hotak bapak ko sex maniac child molester tu!!!

Nanti I suruh lawyer tunjuk sumer collection dildos and vibrator to judge and your chats to buy a new vibrator / dildo for me, then I will smack those dildos on your head! Asshole!

Yesterday court mention the judge sound dia if he didn't agree then he have to hire a lawyer. After the court mention, my lawyer discussed with him in front of me and my dad, where he still blaming me that the out of court terms and conditions were more sided to me instead of him.

Kena sound kat lawyer on certain of his term and condition that restrict me to see the kids and only me can take the kids on weekend not their stepfather (aka my new husband). Delusional again! Teeettt!

I can't claim custodian right at the high Court! Pukimak!! And when I asked him why he restricted only me to take the kids and not others like maybe my brother or sisters. He said he didn't want my husband to pick them up! Serios shit he's crazy! He's deluded with his imagination and really think that it's real.

Kalau nak cite hal dia banyak la because he keep on harassing me 24 hours. Stalking and waiting me to response.

Marrr..jawap la wassup I..Marrr pleaseee...don't torture me like this. I only have you Marrr..

Jawap lerrr Marrr.. please...Marr tolong I Marrr.. I'm sufferring.

Marrr..it's been a month since you left the house.. Marr tolong I!!!

Go wank yourself la!

Marrr..you tau I tak pandai..nanti sakit and bengkak!! You buat tak sakit.

Marr...pleasee...you je yang dapat puaskan I and give best BJ ever..

Marrr..ok la if tak BJ pon...shake je please... u got magic hands

Marrr...I rela jadi slave you Marrrrr...pleaseeeeeeee.. I need you

You pandai-pandai la settle sendiri.. none of my business!!

But you're still my legal wife...

Marrr you tolong I ye.. I tunggu you.. anggap lah bantuan you tu sebagai sedekah (WTF!!!). My last wish..

If not... I call you..you tell me how to do it (WTF!!!)... or you send voice record je.. Can? Then you no need to call again after this.

Marrr I bodoh!!! I can be your slave as long as you come back to me. Kesian la kat I.

Please Marrrrr...jawap ler...!! Jangan la senyap! Jawap ler...jawap lerrr..Marrrr..tolong abang Marr!!!

Well.. I guess that's my daily disturbance from now onwards. It irritates me so much that I got headache more frequent nowdays. Memang la tak layan wassup dia tu. Tapi sakit hati la baca. Repeat same thing over and over again yet still in denial that what he had done to me were wrong. Last Friday, I got a call from my friend who's working in Russia because he called her husband who is in Malaysia to caution him about my other girlfriend, who is also our closed friends, to keep distance with her. He was telling my friend's husband that the reason I left him was because I got influenced by this girlfriend who is also single mother aka janda, for sake of freedom and hidup berpoya-poya macam tu. I was so shocked to know that he went to that extend. Gile saiko ahh mamat ni! He even wassup my guy friends pretending he had wrong number but put his profile pic of him and me.

And my mom and dad started to worry about my safety when they heard news about the killing tragedy of that U.i.t.mlecturer last week. My mom told me, the husband looks so naive and innocent and she was implying to my husband. I told her sumer psychopath mana ada muka ganas pon. Kalu muka ganas sumer dah kerja jadi ahli gusti kat WWF tu mami!

Pastu lagi la dia cuak..pesan banyak kali..jangan masuk rumah dia lagi..ever..be careful..he's cunning etc..

Yes, I'm aware. He is full of trick just to make me come over to that house and find an chance where he can be alone with me again.

There's one day, he waited for me downstairs at my office begging me to have coffee with him..and that was really disturbing siotsss!!. He stalked  and waited for me at my parking bay while I was walking towards my car. I heard a car engine following me from behind and my name being called. When looked back I saw him in car with his window screen downed and asking me to get inside his car.

Marrrr..tolong I Marrr pleaseee... I tak tahan!!

Mak cuak sekejap and ran away from him using the service lift yet he managed to catch me at the lobby. He was persuading me like a perverted sick man.

You pegang (kote) I sekejap je please..

Eh you pandai-pandai la..kote you kan.. I mana ada kote nak buat pancut!!

Please Marrr.. I was angry and left him and went upstairs.

I text him telling that if he disturb and stalk me again, I'm gonna make a police report and will asked the police to open up the case and charge his father for molestation of my daughters so that the police will come and pick his father and put him in jail. I don't care!!! And that he as his son will also be questioned by police for that incident. And I kept on provoking him telling him that he was probably abused by his father during his younger years.

Tell me what your father did to you?? You are like this because your dad are like that! I've seen how your dad insulted your mom by calling her names in public! Tell me! Kenapa senyap?? You want me to call your father and asked him why he molested his own granddaughters ? Or you want the police to question him? Biar satu kampung tahu how filthy your dad is! Dia sembahyang 24hours pon tak guna sebab nak cover up perangai setan tu. Allah can forgive him but I won't forgive him sampai mati pon! U too!!!

The he answered " Me too"

What do you mean by you too? You won't forgive me too? Is that it?

Meaning I made mistakes to you? Is that so?

So what you've said were lies? Because how can you insaf dan berubah if you think what you've done to me were not mistakes?

Ok dah la Marrr..enough ok.. Jangan la hina and kutuk I

I kutuk you ?? Sapa yang dok buruk2 mak dia kat anak-anak ?? Sapa ?? Now the kids are all seem reluctant to spend days with me. (I cried when I put down the phone thinking that my kids not really looking forward to see their mom once a month).. Mak sedih sangat. but I told my daughter it's fine and they all know that I won't force them. I don't want to put them in difficult situation which will not be fair for them. Going through phase experiencing separation of their parents is not easy for them too. I just want them to be happy with their choices.But I know their dad is playing victim game and manipulating them, so I played my game too, but not obvious.

I tak pernah kutuk you kat anak-anak.. I citer yang baik-baik je pasal you kat anak-anak. Righttt!! Penipu besar la lu bro.

Next week I'm gonna call that police officer to follow up on my report regards to his dad's molestation. I want them to pick his dad to the police station with him as his custodian to question and warn him about it. I'm very concern because my kids especially my 2 girls are not with me and I'm not with them all the time to protect them. I'm worried because he don't have me to satisfy his sex needs and I'm afraid if he fall on the kids as substitute. If his dad can do that to his granddaughters, he as a father can do that too to his own daughter. He could be blaming me for not sufficing it, or even claimed that he's out of his sick mind. It's better to think too much than being ignorance. And if he did that I will not have bit of hesitation to see him rot in prison and he can have all the dicks he wishes to see all his fucking life. I don't give a damn shit!!

As I'm living outside of that old life, I began to see things much more clearer and can think rationally. I'm now full of an accumulated anger and hatred, which is all I need to face this fight. So jangan carik pasal ngan wa please..memang mak lazerr tanpa belas ehsan nyee..

Tapi mak jugak learn about love at same time, which is something sweet to balance things up. Having said that, I'm still traumatize of starting another commitment, not until I got all this settled. I don't know. I'm just too afraid to get hurt again, I guess.

Anywaysss...I'm moving to my own crib in Feb. Sedih jugak la tengok bilik sekangkang kera tu. But at least I have a place I can call home or perhaps as a testament for my new freedom and happier life, and so I hope. Tak sabar jugak la. At least something to look forward to. I can arrange the place all I want..tak de dah orang nak kutuk-kutuk cakap my taste out dated or kampong ke hapa. Muahahaha..

Till next update then. 

and the battle begins - Part I

It has been 3 weeks since the day I left my 'rumah kelamin' and staying with my mom. Well actually cramped along with mom, dad, my younger brother, my sister and her kids. The first few days, I slept in the living hall in front of the tv with my travel mattress, pillow and cover. So long bouncy bed and fluffy pillow..huhuhu..But after few days I got to sleep in my brother's room sebab sakit belakang la tido atas tilam nipis.

It was a mixed feeling really. Feeling of the sudden freedom in hand and you don't know what to do about it, feeling happy that I finally manage to get myself away from him but at the same time missing my kids so much. 

The very next morning at mom's house, which was Saturday, I really don't know what to do since I no longer have house chores to do, mountains of clothes to fold, cook or bring my kids for breakfast, dinner or jalan2. Bangun-bangun je..nganga..tatau nak buat apa. So after awhile cleaned up the living hall and went to Ikea to buy some nice storage box to keep my clothes nicely. 

Actually, those were most crucial and toughest weeks for me to endure until the next court mention day. He relentlessly whatsup and called me and even sometimes asked the kids to call me, crying over the phone asking me to not leave them and come back home. He told me that he didn't sleep well for many nights thinking about me and the divorce. His blood pleasure went up and having stiff neck and back pain and many other things. Serabut giler!!! I can't think straight and even my office mates were telling muka pon dah hilang seri dewi malam giteww..Arghh!!

1st week

Where he was furious and crying sad at same time. He was telling me that he don't give a shit about me asking for divorce but with my penyata saman it involve his maruah! Bingo! 

His maruah is his weaknesses and that's my weapon. He and his father portray that they are pious, respectable person within their own society and clans and their dark secret is in my hand to reveal and bring them down. Siap kecoh nak panggil press tu nak citer kat semua! Bodoh tahap gaban.. 

Then he started asking forgiveness - you are the only one for me..jangan berdendam dan jangan dengar cakap orang lain (he was implying to my dad and my best friend who is a divorcee that has been influencing me to hidup bebas..katanya la. Biasa la blaming on others except himself)

Please reconsider and forgive me...I love you until I die...only you wife I dunia and akhirat...hahaha..penipu weiii!! Ko citer apa bro!! Nanti kan dapat 72 virgins..wa dapat 1 man jeww..(virgin ke idok mak tak pasti la noks)

Seeking for sympathy saying that he lost weight thinking about me and scared of what he's going through, cannot sleep well and eat well, cannot live without me.. blablablabla

Then he start talking about money because he need to pay additional cost to my Iddah. Telling me how transportation cost risen up to 150%.. and that he told the kids that he's going to rent house / apartment near school so they can walk to school because he can't afford to stay in big house because mommy is no longer around to help. Useless bastard!! How could he dragged the kids in his mess and share his burden with the kids. Tak guna punya bapak!!

2nd week

Tactic biasa by using the kids in which is the only thing we have in common. Start talking about the kids..using them ...how my son told him last time he loves his mom but now... dot dot dot..leaving hanging sentences thinking that I would asked him to continue.. I didn't coz i need to show that I didn't care what my kids think about me. Otherwise he will continue using the kids for his benefit and hurting them emotionally.

Persuading me to sleep in the guest room for the last time (right!! pastu ko rogol aku la bastard!).. and just to make the kids feel happy..to talk to all of them together what will be happening.. to show them we are not fighting.

Saying that the kids miss me and can see their sadness..waiting for me to drop by house and suap makan..that's he's the one who experiencing their sufferings..because they are closer to me...coz  rajin layan and pamper them..telling me that every morning adik searched for me in the back room to see if I'm there... and my son keep on asking everyday, if I'm coming back or not. He said he knows that I call them everyday but it's different and he want the kids to always feel my presence around. That if I'm at the house he don't mind to go out so that I can spend my time with the kids in the house. Ask me to cook and play with them and enjoy the time with them..asking me not to think it's not important coz they need love from mother as its different from father love (bodoh). Hoping that I understand their needs and and its all nothing but love and that we are still husband and wife and can't show them that we are fighting wtf. That's the reason he asked to sleep there and can stay together like nothing happen and that I shouldn't leave them just like that..run away and to at least make them aware what will happen after this. 

He's asking me to consider otherwise no turning back time and he might give me max..sorry ye I might give you max..and u asked for it and deserve it.. cewahhhh macam baguss!!! Kalau boleh you jatuh je talak 150juta boleh?.. Mak lagi sukee sangat yewww!

Keep on asking me not to make him my enemy and stranger (giler! I want to puke on his face) and reasons why I filed for the divorce. He said he don't think it's coming from me..because he knows me well..and keep asking same questions over and over again.

So he kept on texting me every hours about his feelings and that he has no one to talk to not even to his siblings or father (hopkoz la bro..I'm your trophy wife kan.. me leaving you is a total disaster and failure of your life)

Mencurahkan perasaan, detailing his feeling from the day he received the summon, how he was so shocked to read the penyata saman and didn't believe that I'm the one that make that statement. How his mind went crazy when he called me and I sounded calm. I asked him to read back the summon statement which has more than 20 points listed and there are many more unwritten in it. That's the reason! Then he just laughed..HAHAHAHAHA and told me that all those points were just hearsay, and there's no prove to it. No one will believe me and that all people will then know how sex manic I am.

I told him to tell that to the judge in court and he can bring whatever evidence that he might think he has and I can counter each one of it, because I'm the victim and I remember everything that hurts. And the judge will see how severe were those claims and that he's not even fit to be custodian to the kids. Silap-silap hakim refer kes ni kat polis under civil law baru tau..then it's time for me to laugh at him HAHAHAHAH..macam tu. Terus senyap tak jawap. Then he called me again. Marrrr..please don't do that..please pull back your summon...I love you so much. Marrr pleaseeee..jangan buat I macam ni Marrr!!

He came to see my stepdad, but he was bashed straight up. He was talking about how I had many affairs since early stage of marriage and saying that he has all my confessions written on paper about it. And I pressured him back.

You think ada ke isteri yang waras nak buat confession kat suami dia, tentang semua lelaki yang dia tidur kalau tak di paksa? 

You tunjuk dad as if it's my confession, but did you show him your questions where you asked me to tell those stories? Ada ke suami yang tak gila suruh isteri put it in writing? And after dah dapat confession tu, ada tak suami yang waras tak mengamuk atau marah tahu isteri dia curang? Ada tak??? You je cakap by me doing that you loved me more because I share my pleasure with you and you're happy for it. Gila ke hapa tu?

Ada tak you cakap kat dad that you need those stories untuk buat you stim and untuk u pancut? Kenapa tak cakap?? Bila I kasik you cerita melayu, you nak citer cinaindasingh. Bila I holiday kat Europe pon you push me to provide citer pasal omputih. Ada cakap tak ???

I thought I can have my peacefulness yet you make me feel guilty for ditching my responsibilities as wife and mother while having fun with my friends in UKParis  and I have to compensate that with stories to satisfy you. You tau tak I was pregnant that time and was having bad nausea and vomits and have to find place that have internet connection just to email you those stories??

The many reasons I created those stories were because I was pushed and pressured to the max. At same time you're indicating as if I'm not good in fucking and that the only thing a wife can do to help satisfy his husband is with me telling all those fucking stories and I kesian kat you. And my biggest mistake was because I kesian kat you. That's all. And even when I said that its all creation, you blocked your brain and still believes those were true. You tau tak..I rasa nak muntah every time I had to write you those stories??

Dah..la Marr..I tak ingat cerita-cerita lama tu. I need to do that so that I know you were not cheating on me.

WTF!!! You jangan nak buat-buat lupa bodoh la dengan bipolar you tu.

How he paid many things like my car (iyola tu - duit orang bayar untuk eksiden pon sapu, pakai minyak full tank sampai kering tak refill, mak jugak la carik stesen minyak pepagi Isnin takut minyak habis dalam jem, touch n  go balik kampung parents pon sapu) and blaming many things on me. Like how I didn't cook dinner or do ironing and he had to pay for all that. WTF! But he only said this to my dad when I was not around that time.

But my dad attacked him hard asking him for the proof and who are my boyfriends hand if I really do have, means that he haven't been taking care of me well and for me to do something like this means that he must have done something really bad to me. Terus senyap and he hates my dad from that day onwards, blaming him for not supporting him to reconcile with me.

He said he's been crying everyday and that luckily the kids were there to console and calm him down. And this gave perceptions to the kids that mom is irresponsible to run away and making their father's life devastated.  

He told me that the worst part is to hear me telling that I dont have heart for him and I can't stay with him and that he need to see doctor. (he said he's willing to put in condition in order for me to come back to him) and I told him that it's not about me..it's about you..you're sick and I will never go back to you ever.

Asking me to sympathize him by responding to all his wassups to just acknowledge that I read all his messages but I didn't replied. And asked me to reply so that at least he wouldn't give me max talak even though he still divorce me. Seee..he still thinks that he's the master playing god to my life.

I know I was torturing him because I didn't reply to him. He knows he no longer can control me and that freaks him out.

He felt sad that I did that to him but he didn't feel angry because he then know that he really loves me (too late bro) and can't accept the fact that he's loosing me because I am a good hearted person, sincere and perfect for him. Tiberrr... ayat-ayat yang sudah tidak bermakna la bro!

Perverted world

 

* all snapshots courtesy of MrG. Thank you :)