The 2 precious things

When I ran away from home, which was probably after my 3rd attempt that I've succeeded, I stayed at mom's place. I slept in my brother's room who wasn't married back then, and he slept in the lounge area. It's kinda miserable because I have my stuff in the black garbage plastic bags and some were left in my car boots that I used to commute to work. I didn't want to clutter his room and I feel that I didn't want to settle down at mom's place either. It should be temporary while I figure out what I need to do next. My mind was so messed up with the out of court settlement and negotiations and his harassments through texts and stalking me at work place. It was scary actually. I remember how hard it's for me to keep my head straight and firm not to fall to his tricks and talks again and at same time conceal all those fears and sadness from mom when I'm back at her place. I don't want her to feel worried about me. This is my shit and I will clean it off.

I was having trouble to focus on my work at same time remain professional filtering my emotions out so that my staff didn't know what's happening to my personal life. People talks and I don't need any kind of judgment to add on. So I told my boss, who no longer my boss but we remain friends now, that I was going through a divorce process, stayed at my mom's place and may need time off to settle personal matters during office hours. He looked shocked but emotionless, probably because he's young and not married and don't know how he should react to this kind of news. And the first sentence that spurred out from him "do you need an agent to find you place to rent?". And it's time for me then to get shocked with his response, didn't see that coming. Well, I almost laughed but yes it's a pragmatic and optimistic response I guess. I told him, yes that would help a lot. I think if he didn't ask me that question, I may not get the cue of what I should do next. I called the agent and specified my requirement which were quite simple - studio, end unit so I can get more windows and light in, near my work area which is near to my kids and have security access. On the day that I supposed to meet the agent to view the unit, I felt I need someone that can help to give me second opinion. I usually trust my decision to be right but for this kind of decision I just need someone to point out if it's the otherwise. So I asked one of my staff who is a Thai nationality to come along with me. I know she can be trusted to keep it just between us. Well, she left the company but she still keep in touch with me and become friends too. Funny, come to think of it how people that hardly know me can give impact to my life journey. They give you hope to continue during your tough times. 

So after 3 months staying at mom's place, I moved in to a 400 sqf fully furnished studio apartment. I can basically touch my kitchen bed and toilet in just one spin. And if I fry ikan masin, my bedsheet would have same smell too. I was so excited to have a place of my own. My own small space where I can decorate the way I like it, be alone, have my own peace and quiet time but the most important thing was the control I have to design my life the way I want it to be. 

There were 2 things that gave me joy at that time. One is IKEA and the other is Yoga. Walking through IKEA after work hours was a bliss. I find my peace just by browsing at its catalogues or showroom and its smell. Boy! I love IKEA's smell. IKEA gives me hope, an interpretation of independence and a second chance to start a new life. I take my time to plan and figure furniture that I needed and being a minimalist, the Scandinavian concept seems to fit my style. I don't buy unnecessary things, but that's the beauty - being simple. Ironically, at the café it also teaches you how the majority are ignorant and selfish lot who don't know how to follow simple instruction to put their dish plates at the food tray area. Lagi mau cerita complicated moral issues. Pigidah!

I started Yoga the same month I moved in. I figure I need to divert my mind with some activities after work, otherwise I would just sunk myself at home and cried missing my kids horribly. I did take up ballet classes for a month but I can't seem to find the meaning and connection to it. Then one day, I saw one of my staff changed her office attire and carried a mat and asked her where she's going and the rest was history. I didn't know what yoga is, never did any research about it but I just went with open mind and tried it out and wallah!!.. I find my soul there. It's not only physical but the inner strength in mind and self awareness that I discovered through yoga. It helps to keep me calm and focus. I'm still practicing yoga till today and it's a treasure that I found through this journey. But now since I'm working from home, I'm thinking to join classes near my place that looks cool. My dream is that one day I could do yoga in Ubud, Bali. Yeeehaaa.. but for that I need to prep myself.. kadang bontot malas and Neflix binge is the culprit. Alasan si pemalas! 

Hospital day

My dad is having his bypass operation this morning. Last Saturday and Sunday, my brother, mom and myself spent half a day scouting for big pharmacies around town to buy some medical stuff for the operation preparation. We have one Indian lady who tag along with us to find same items for her husband's operation too. She's from Perak and has no one to help her to source for it. Kesian dia.

We got the list on Friday evening and it's so ridiculous that we also need to decipher the doctor's handwriting and the pressure when 1 item was nowhere to found in any pharmacies. All major pharmacies like in hospitals and IJN operated only during working hours and not on weekend. My daughter asked me why do we need to buy those items, which is quite basic and why the hospital not providing them? That's when my stress and tiredness seeped in and curse the previous government for cutting out the hospitalization budget to pay off for their corrupted wrong doings. I mean if they want us to pay, at least they can order those items from the supplier and charge us later, that would help. But I guess, they just don't have the money to buy it and in end pass that responsibility to the people. Asshole! Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with the hospitals, I'm angry with the previous government. I heard even the doctors have to buy their own surgical gloves. Rubbish!

So after series of races to pharmacies, we left hospital for stepdad to rest. Nothing much to wait since the operation was in 2 days. My bro was driving me and mom back when suddenly mom said "hah boleh la gi tengok rumah Marissa". Boy at that moment my heart jumped with happiness. You see, I've been living on my own for 4 years now and not even once my mom came to my house. Every time I invited her to come, she gave many excuses not to come. We had few argument on why she seems to be avoiding coming to my house. It breaks my heart and hers too. So I decided since then, that I won't even ask her to come anymore. My house is opened to her anytime and it's up to her when she wanna come. I don't want to put pressure on her anymore, because I know she really wanted to come but she's more concern about my stepdad and she's making up those excuses for him. My stepdad and I and even my other siblings had not been in good term few years back since he became religious. He would scold, belittling and say irritating things to us and our kids and because we don't want to be disrespectful, we started to avoid him and consequently not visiting our mother. Because in the end, mom would be the one who need to suffer to hear his grumbling about us. It's not fair for mom and I know she's suffering too. But mom being a loyal and obedient wife, she would submit and swallow everything. She knows and I can't change her for that.

For me, the major reason that I'm here with mom is because she needs me. I do owe my stepdad for helping me out during my divorce but some of his actions were unacceptable to me after he changed to be entirely different person. He used to be so jovial, open minded and we would sit together and discuss and laughed about many things. I listen to his advices and respected him very much for his wisdom. Now, he's totally the opposite, tense and finding faults in every conversations.

God knows how happy I was when mom stepped into my house. I didn't manage to give her tour to the pool area to impress her more coz it's raining and my bro was in rush also. She looked happy and told me " boleh la kita buat makan-makan". I replied her "I always do makan-makan.. mami je yang tak nak datang". Dushh.. and she replied with her default answer "bukan tak nak datang, tapi ada je hal dan masa tak kena". Well, she was referring to their other functions she needs to attend, which for me looks like it's more important than my invite and it's not only one time. Well, I guess I know the real reason behind it, but I still gave her the benefit of doubt. It always occur to me, as a mother didn't she even want to see my place? See if her daughter have a safe and proper place to stay? Didn't she want to know if I'm doing ok? I've never live on my own before and I'm now living alone. Anyway, I'm just happy that she came.

Another weird thing happen since then with my stepdad. When I see him at the hospital, I was just behaving like normal me, coz I don't know how to pretend and create awkwardness. My stepdad seems to be in his jovial self like he used to be. We make politic jokes and laughed again. I was always that person who makes him laugh before. I know how to make classy jokes you know. It feels good to make him at ease again so he can prepare his mind for the surgery.

Mom told me that my stepdad asked her what was it that I was so angry to him before, till I no longer visited them for long time. Well, not a surprised that he asked that question. He's a person that hardly see and assess himself thus found nothing's wrong with him except others. To even ask that question without trying to understand why doesn't make any different. I guess that question just dawned on to him when he's facing matter of life and death before the surgery. I bet he'll be back to his arrogant and "I know all and I'm always right' attitude when he's back in good health. I don't expect much change but as a daughter, I try to make it easier whenever I can for him and mom. 

It has been 4 years

Frankly, I don't know where to start. It's been ages since I came back to this lair and write again. The last time I revisited for a peek was last year, when I shared with D my posts. It wasn't part of my plan but I thought since we're starting a relationship, perhaps he should have some brief of what I had to go through in past.

It touched me that he cried and angry at same time on how I was treated and that this blog should be deleted (well, I didn't). Perhaps, he thought that what's in the past and should be forgotten. In way it's true, but that part of life has made me who I am today. It didn't define me but those journey taught me well. Through those suffering, a better, stronger and wiser me emerged. But that's not all, the most appreciating thing was, he didn't ask me in detail about it, though I think he might have some concerns or questions. I was so glad and relieved because I was afraid that I would need to justify my past doings to make him understand. You know, even remembering any part of it, is very excruciating for me. In fact, he reassured me that it was all in the past and that I should move on and think about my kids and make things better in life. I know all that, but I just need some validation to it and that's exactly what he gave me. I got different reaction when I shared with A and B, something that I didn't expect, but I'll talk about it some other times.

So I read back all my previous posts and it really gets into me. I was overwhelmed with those traumatic years, feeling angry, suffocated, sad and that nauseating sensation kicked in. I tried to skip some posts, because I ended up crying knowing the woman I was once before need to endure those repugnant years. It's like I'm looking from above to a clear vision of me wrapping my naked body, crying under the shower to hide out my tears. I can feel the sharp hurt in my heart all over again. You know, I realize I didn't write some of worst things that had happened to me just because I couldn't bare to even acknowledge that I let it happened and I don't think I ever wanna go there again. If only I can hypnotized myself and go to that specific storage in my brain and permanently delete it. Kann.. well.

So some part of it - the guilt, the stupidity and how worthless and disgusted I felt still resides deep inside. Once in awhile those feelings crept into me even after I have left him for 4 years and living on my own. In early years, I can't help it and I don't know how to suppress it. It just consumed me all over. There were nights that I had nightmares, crying and get into a depressed state because I didn't know how to handle the thoughts that keeps appearing in my head vividly. I wrapped myself so tight because I felt scared and insecure of what's going to happen to me and what I will become. I didn't talk to anyone, just keep it to myself because I can't be seen as vulnerable again and let people judge and take advantage of me. Not only that - I trust no one. It's just so difficult to let anyone near me. Even my closest friend didn't know this piece that I need to deal with. Nothing much she can do and it's a burden for her to know that she can't help much. I know I need to handle it on my own, whatever it takes for me to survive again. I just don't want anyone to see me in that condition. It's shameful to be seen out of control of your own emotion and I had enough to handle that time.

I remember there was one night, I was watching some movie with D on Neflix. Can't recall what was the whole story exactly, but some of the storyline hit that nerve inside me. Suddenly I feel like I can't breathe and feel like vomiting. I tried to hold until the story ended because I didn't want D to notice it. After it ended, I sat inside the toilet and cried quietly. I feel like shit! Shit I was so angry with myself that I can't hold that nerve. I thought I was over it, but apparently it didn't and that was last year. It's been awhile that I had that nauseate feeling and I kept wondering when will it go away and that I should avoid any potential triggers. It's so scary to feel as if you had some kind of mental illness.

I remember that happened many times during the first years with B. Every time after we had sex, I would cry and B would hugged me until I fall asleep. There were a lot of things that's going on my mind after sex. It was mixed feeling actually. I'm not sure how to describe it but perhaps the thoughts if B was having sex with me for who I was. Doubts kept playing in my head that maybe he was just using me for sex, just like what the ex kept on reminding me - men only go after your pussy, the rest are part of the game. And so it created confusion and I got scared, but then B would hugged and reassured me that he's with me and his reassurance made me feel safe again. He didn't ask why I cried and I didn't tell but I assume he probably have some sense of it. Well, after 4 years he never did ask anything that's going in my head and I'm well aware now why he never asked. Boy, what a sad story to an amazing mind.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I will get the trigger again. I really hope it will never ever come to haunt me again because the feeling was horrible.

So much to spill for a 4 years story right. Oh well, I have time now and I have reasons to write again. Nobody reads blogs now anyway. People are so consumed with FB, Twitter, Snapchat and IG and I'm just not into it.. old skool. Life is more real and peaceful! Yahooo!

Leave me alone

I think I'm gonna write again.

I just need a place to emotionally puke off. Seems that other means are not working. People need me more than I need them. Well I'm totally fine with that but eventually they want to be pampered and expect more and more without considering my feelings. Just because I'm listening to their troubles and despair, am I expected to be numb to my own feelings? They make it as if it's a supply and demand trade, what I give I wanna get more perspective.

When I told them how I feel, they didn't seem to get the cue. Then I understand that they don't know me or even bother to understand me. Everyone seems to react like a child. If they don't get what they want or be heard, they sulk as if I'm to blame. Again and again I felt crushed and alone.

Well I want to be alone and wish I can shout to everyone to just leave me alone!

Sometimes I wonder why do they come into my life and hurt me. There were good times but when things fall apart, you know it was never true love or soulmates or even anyone that cares for you. Not your parents or siblings or your kids or any lover. You are all bt yourself.  It's all a delusion of life. You know, it's really sad when you're all alone and sick and need to crawl to the bathroom because you head spinned badly, and no one was there to help you sit on the toilet seat and the next day you tell the world that everything was good just not to make anyone feel bad or concern about you. Yet all they talked is about themselves and for me to listen to everything. I'm a good listener I know but that's just about it. Listen. Sometimes I did lowered my ego asking for help or validation, but they were ignored. I guess it's not important to them though it's very much to me. So I will not ask anymore. What's the point. It's already a clear validation. I'm not important and I was and never will be a reason to anyone's life.

Right now, I just feel like shutting down or runaway from everyone that I know. I just want to be alone. My kids blame me and everyone else's too. I can give all my love but I know now that I'm not good enough to be loved because all those people that I love have trouble to testify that.

Just leave me alone. I had enough of hurts.

aftermath

Well..it’s been a week now. So what do you do when you were given a second chance of life to live as you wanted to? I’m still having a hangover over this divorce. Coincidently, it’s a week after ErraF get hers too. Walau pon mak tak de la nak pakai sepek hitam besor and mask but I can feel her. For whatever reasons marriage dissolution can be, the processes to go through it were hurtful for both as it involves looking back to love, trust and dreams once built crumbled. And especially when it involves children, a testament to those seeds you were once hoping to hold and strengthen the relationship till you grow old. Fate? I don’t know. I don’t really know what it is. What I’ve learnt is that it’s all about timing and effort. Having said all that, I’m glad that I finally get the divorce. Looking back through last few months ordeal, I finally can smile, breathe and have my sanity.

My only worry is my kids. Worry if they aren’t able to adapt with their new life without a mother to pamper them. Worry about having the thoughts that they will hate me for leaving them. Worry they are not independent enough to brace their school days and school issues and that they don’t have me to listen and talk about it.

Well after today’s day out with them, I realized that they all are doing just fine. They no longer seem tensed and reserved. Kakak sounds excited and smiling while telling stories about her school activities and her favorite Kpop group EXO. And I kept reminding her to focus on her studies and that those men in Kpop group were not my idea of a man should be coz I can differentiate if they were male or female. Pfffftt! And that she must not disclose private and sensitive information to stranger online and she definitely need to diet to build her self confidence. Nagging like a mother should be. And she goes… yeah yeah yeah mummy!

Abang was bubbly telling stories about him winning 1st place in merentas desa last week. And I went rubbing his head against my chest telling him how proud I was. I told him that he’s just like me because I was once a long distance runner but only managed to get 2nd place and that he’s much stronger than me. We were discussing about the breathing technique and how to sustain the momentum till finishing line. I was so happy for him but at same time holding my tears because I was not there to see him at the finishing line. I’ve never missed his sports day before because he always gets the 1st place.

Then I sent him to his guitar class and had a chat with his rocker teacher about his progress. He said he can play quite number of songs and he had good voice too. Well, it made my day. He has been in the class for a year now and with this rocker teacher for about 4 months. He requested to change to younger teacher as he said Mr Lim was a bit boring. So I requested to change to this rocker teacher and I can see drastic change in his motivation and the feel when he strummed his guitar. I always told him that with music you have to feeelllll…kena ada jiwa bang! You are using your whole brain to be one. Baru la abang feeelll and orang yang dengar tu feeelllll!! Paham?? Ye..paham mummy!… Ntah paham ke idok budak ni. Ishh.

I discontinued paying the Astro bill, kakak handphone bill and no longer need to pay for the groceries and food expenses. The guitar classes fee was the only fee that I agreed to continue paying. My ex is not paying for it because he said guitar classes were not a necessity. And fuck I won’t let him do that to my son. My son told me that it’s ok if he stopped the guitar class since dad is not going to pay for it. He was sad and holding his cry while saying it. I told him that it’s ok because I’m paying for it. He hugged me tight saying thank you. He loves playing guitar and I know he can play very well one day. I can’t wait to see that day.

My youngest daughter who is 6 years old was sitting on my lap and told me that next year she wanted to go school near the house area, because all her BFFs will be going to the same school. I was persuading her to stay with me next year so I can send her to a private school when she’s 7 years old.

Tak pe kan mami? Mami tak paksa adik kan? Ye takpe, adik sekolah mana yang adik suka..tapi kena jadi pelajar cemerlang okay! Okay mami and she smiled.

I guess, she has also adapted well to this life without me in her daily routines. I was happy because they are doing just fine now and happy with their life and that is good. But at same time I was sad inside because I realized that I will be living my life alone now. They no longer need me to be there with them daily, because they have overcome it.

I will only be a weekend mother who spent few hours with them over weekend or alternate weekend. And meanwhile I need to hold myself everyday from crying for missing them so much. Every time I saw kids walking or sitting near me in restaurant or public places I got drifted easily back to memories when I was with my kids. It touches me so much in the heart, because I have so much of a motherly love in me but I can no longer spill and share it out with my kids daily. I just want to kiss and hug them like I always did everyday for the last 15 years. And now it’s gone. I know I’m a good loving mother, and I’m just afraid if I’ll loose it and forgot how to be one someday.

I reckon and had to admit that this is what real sacrifice is. Leaving him and that house was the right thing to do. He no longer has me as his object to abuse and the kids no longer had to witness how their father treated their mother and be his alliance, without them noticing it. They are living in healthy environment without me around, I guess. The ex now is taking up his obligation to be a responsible father and of course pay for their expenses. That’s what a man should be doing after all. So I guess, that’s why the kids are happy because the father is playing his role as good father. I know he’s trying hard so that the kids will keep on staying with him instead of me. I’m fine because my main objective is for the kids to be happy. It’s not fair to push them to go through another change and pressure since they’ve already struggled and managed to go thorough it.

I realized it is me then who need to start making change and plan for my new life. I need to move to live this life again even if it has to be walking all alone. I guess it’s more on how to deal with the feeling of missing the kids and different kind of daily routines. At this moment, it’s a little bit unorganized and I like organized things, that is. 

Loneliness does hit me once in a while, especially when night comes and you’re sleeping all alone. I slept with kids besides me before and got dragged by him whenever he needs to have a fuck, that is. I used to have my daughter hugging me and me watching her while she’s falling asleep. And now that’s gone too.

I do get shivers when I’m in need of sex. It was rough all the times, and I’m relieved that I no longer need to go through those traumatic nights anymore. But I guess the body to some extend; do signal the brain to trigger those endorphins to be released based on the normal frequency you usually get. Feel like asking my lawyer Tuan Haji Suleiman Akhlaken to hand me back those fucking dildos he kept for evidence material, and so I did.

And Encik Man asked, you really want it back Marissa?

Jeeezz, I’m kidding la Encik Man, that’s my sufferings medium, of course not. You can hand it to the sex museum or make a keychain if you want. Hahahaha..I laughed cam tu. Haihh..mak pasrah je la, I got high just thinking about what DNV can do me and give me those multipleOs babeh! Mak tido gigit jari noks!!

I don’t disclose my divorce to just anybody. I’m a private person, ironically. Kalau ramai jantanss tau mak dah jadi janda hot..masakkk nokss!! Seriously I don’t really need those nuisances right now. And all they want is to just ‘fitting in’ to my ‘tight’ and vulnerable state? Dok gitu? Well, maybe not all..but that's the game by default. Kalau rezeki tak kan tolak kan bro?? Typical leteww..

Anywayss..I can and will get over it, now that I know I have him to be there when I’m in need. He’s almost my perfect match and I finally found him in my darkest sorrow of life and to be my light to see life and love beautifully again. The sad thing is, I’m still scared and traumatized to be in another commitment. 

I guess I’m too scared to get hurt again and be in another complicated life. But what’s life without complications. All I want really is to have the courage to say I-love-you again to a man that I know I can live life with and grow old gracefully together. Jiweng sehhh!!!

I guess, I just need some time to heal this heart and to be same person but with an upgraded version gituu.. I hope I turn out to be better person.