Untangling life

I've been writing this blog since 2009, but I only made it to public last October. Kinda exciting so far. Another avenue for me release besides on bed of coz.

In  life, we all have our challenges and tests. I don't know what kind of test I have right now, but it seems to me like it's a lifetime. The way I see it, its either break or make me. And I don't know what has been written for me, though sometimes I do feel it break me to worst than make me to a better person. Not that I wish for, but I'm not that tough really. It's easier to get physical bruises, make a police report and have a new better life and live somewhere in Mauritius ke.. than to have emotional and mental battered with no physical evidence to claim. And I know I'm not the only one facing all this shit out there.

There are 2 major things that helps me through it. First is to fall back to the one that gives me the test, the Creator and second strong support system.

Support system can be close friends and family. It took me years to disclose to what I've gone through with my life to close friends. Giler ke nak citer about your sex life to others (consider yourself lucky to know about this giler story eh). Like everybody else, they would assume that I have such a loving husband who cares about me so much. And so did my parents. They said that although he's a bit controlling, jealous, he is a good husband who asked me to do good things and that I'm the one yang degil..do things as I like..bla bla bla. And as usual, I just kept quiet. Until there's a point that I rebel and the need to defense myself. I mean I can't do it from him and I really don't need my friends and my parents to bash me also and tell how wrong I am. So I defense and open up to my ugly and dirty life that I need to go through everyday. And they cried. I tak cry..giler mental..My friends asked me to get out of that kind of life..nanti u pon saiko macam dia, they all said and my mom was so sad that a man did that to her daughter and ask me to come back and stay with her.

But they know, it's my life and I decide. The point here is that when people you cared most know your stories, they understand you more, as of why and what action or reactions that you've  made. Their understanding and supports cushioned you from falling into a blackhole. They no longer pre-judge and judge you because they understand. It lesson the burden that you already have in hands. It hurts you most when you feel as if all those people that you care, turn against you, when all you need at that time is their love and support.

There are many times before that, that I felt so alone in this world. Many many times over the years, I was so depressed that I often can't breath when I sleep, have the same dreams over and over, sometimes ntah menjerit apa pon tak tau. Scared shit ok. And I came to think that maybe dah nak mati dah ni!

But when I opened up, these people gave me strength. They have given me lotsa perspective that I've never thought of and I'm thankful and blessed to have them in my life. All this while, I always thought that I'm a smart girl (poyo jap) and that I can manage anything that's being thrown to me.. and when God gave me this test, it's kinda humbled me to the smallest. It's ironic really.

When I was young (sekarang younger), I always said to friends..cabaran dan kepayahan itu mematangkan kita..but now I learned that these tests have levels..macam main game..that cabaran and kepayahan can either make you a better person or worst. Scary coz I do not want to be the person that is being doomed by the Creator all my life.

The Creator who knows what He gave you and what will your path of life be. The challenge here is how to keep on maintaining your duties as His servant despite all these challenges. Objectives are the same, but the tests are distractions to qualify how strong you are. And I can tell you, it's very very tough when you're fighting against lust. 

I try and keep on trying and I pray that Allah will always guide me and forgive all my sins. That's the only time I cried macam nak rak asking for Him to help me through this life and give me the best way out for all of us. I'm ashamed of how stupid and disgusting person I can be. I felt relieved crying in middle of nite asking for his forgiveness and guide me the right way. No matter how dirty I felt, He creates me and I'm still His creation with a purpose in life that He knows all.

So whenever I feel lost and out of hope and when it's like the end of wits, I fall back to these 2 systems to keep my sanity. Besides good fucking sex session..a good laugh to all of this helps too.

I didn't mean to sound so goody goody coz I know I'm not. I just wanna remind myself that despite all these shits in life, many other things beautify it. You need to learn to appreciate more and see things in many views.  All things that you see, feel and hear as one are something that Allah has consented for you to decipher and understand. And there are still a lot for me to learn.

Have a nice weekend you. Oh btw, thank you for reading this blog whoever you are :)

Hair got tangled every night coz my son play with it until he got his finger stuck to it while sleeping.

And I only comb my hair in car otw to office and found tis again tis morning . 

Took me few mins to detangled it.

Tak de masa nak sikat rambut kat rumah okay.