This is not love, it's morbidness

It's been awhile and that I hope things would have changed. But it didn't. But I did discover new thing. I'm not alone facing this morbidness. I read it somewhere and how that woman managed to escape for her better life. I did try many times, but I couldn't. First, he won't let me go as he would persuade and beg, secondly since I'm aware that this is a sickness, I'm just afraid something's bad will happen to the kids if I leave them with him. I'm willing to sacrifice for them. I only hope that the kids would be able to see me as their mother who love them so much, no matter how constant the father humiliated and insulted me. It will crush me if they buy it.

Even my lil daughter who is just 3 yo would say " hey mom, that's your friend right ?" pointing to an Indian stranger. Reason? Oh yeah, because the father would openly tell the kids that the Indian is mommy's friend, indicating that I've slept with Indian. And because Indian skin color are obviously dark, that poor lil kid would imply all Indians are mommy's friend.

Well, that's just part of it. It hurts so much to recall everything.

Here's something I wrote to remind me of this current state of feeling. Because I know, I will forget it later, to forget the bitterness in order to go on with this kind of life.

She is (*in his eyes)

There’s a darkness that I can’t contained
It’s an obsession nobody comprehend
An essence to my contemplation
A salvation to this damnation
I need her because she satisfies
I need her because she listens
Don’t she knows the pain beautifies her
Don’t she knows her blood tasted honey
And I wrap her for not to shiver
I groomed her
For something that is doomed
I prepare her
Till she has nothing to spare
I’m a savior to her filthy soul
Her filthy soul that completes me
Im sorry I know not what to worry
Im sorry for this manipulation was never meant to be
Im sorry to kill her soul slowly
For the lust that’s inside me
My love is great, my love still wait
Even thousands men makes her wet
I’m her savior to her filthy soul
The only filthy soul that completes me

Fuckers

Things changed so fast this few months back. I guess I've reached my bottleneck in which I'm not able to run anymore but submit to his needs. I've become his most obedient student and he loves me for that. For him, I'm the sex goddess and that's the only time I feel worth. Apart from that I'm lower than a whore.

Now I did go out with guys. Sometimes its merely a drink but I would exaggerate just to satisfy his imaginings. Even if I told him the truth, he would push and push for me to say exactly what he wanted to hear, that we had a fuck. And that would keep him satisfied and happy for the night. And the next day, he would curse me as usual. Slut!!

At this point of time, he is chatting with me (he's on leave today) asking me plan for tomorrow to date a guy. What I should be wearing and all. He asked me to ask him like how Mark did to me when he asked questions (oh yes, he reads all my cybersex and all chats with men). Straight to point. Like asking him to go to his place and have a fuck there. And I need to let the phone on so he could hear us making out or take pic of his cock. That would please him and its a show of respect.

Until today, I manage to be faithful and not having fuck with any man, in REAL. But I would not know tomorrow. He said if he can't see me fucking a man, he would arrange for one. I'm so tired and I really don't know how and what to do.

Feel like getting out of this SHIT!!

Really feel like running away from him. I just can't stand him, really. He was blaming me to have him wait in the car. I'm not late, it's just that moment when we are going off to work this morning, my daughter wanted to loo. I need to put her in toilet sit and all. And the moment I sat in the car, he blamed and judged me, saying that I'm so inconsiderate. I told him the reason but he can't seem to accept it. He kept on saying things like, you are not the one who will get show cause letter and all that. I asked him why do he kept on blaming me for all him dissatisfaction or for whatever reason.
He said just to make me understand, that the consequences of all my action will cause him trouble.

So ic..if he got the a show cause letter, its my fault because my daughter wanted to loo ? What about him having to go toilet ? Why didn't make it at 6 am the moment he woke up ? So that wasn't part of the contribution to lateness ?

He told me that of coz I would love him to get fired and we got no food to eat and all. And I asked him why. And he said of course you would love it - sebab nanti u boleh la jual puki u tu kat sumer orang nak dapat duit.

Amboi sedap nya cakap..

Yela..tak reti-reti lagi..dari bagi orang free..baik jual. You punya pemikiran ni..memang pendek..macam mana you pikir you bagi puki u tu kat jantan2 lain..


I just kept quite..there's almost tears but I contained. The tears should be running blood right out from my heart.

Blardy CDs

It's been awhile I didn't take time to express feeling here. I guess that period were most filled up by feeling that things were more managable, that perhaps those senseless life I'm having were eventually acceptable and making sense. But since I'm writing now, I guess insane things can never be comprehended by my sanity. Sometimes I amazed myself of how I can carry on life as it is, it's been 6 years now. Thank god I have a lots of sense of humor. I would smile and laugh to every insults that he made on me, belittling me infront of the kids. Only God knows how hurt I am when my kids now, have picked up those insult as facts of me. Sometimes I fought back of his insults and managed to reconcile my kids understanding on how bad or filthy their mother is and sometimes I'm so devastated and tired to fight and let all the insult on me with hope that the kids didn't understand what their father is cursing their mother. There's nothing and days without insult except when we fought. At least, he would be angry with me and didn't curse me and I felt free. But things would back to normal, when would fuck me in middle of nite or moring, forcing me to admit of all those fucks I had during our fights. And I would have to create another new stories to satisfy him and things would go back to square again. The next day, he would cynically bring up stories about my fuckings and said that he was insulted because I didn't tell him upfront or at least switch on the phone while having fuck in toilet or car, so that he could listen. Yeah, that's my life.

I'm well aware of what man are like, their perspective and their needs. I don't like flirting around with guys, it is so not me. But with all the pressures and after all these years, I'm just out of new stories. I'm driven to flirt with guys. And those flirts will be shared with him. What they say and such. The truth is, I only talked to them, to just get few stories out and the rest especially on the sexual parts are more of my creation. It will make him hard and happy.

Well, sometimes I asked myself, where is the line? How far can I stand living and carrying this burden ? Seriously, I'm not sure what is love. I know he loves me coz he always said that he loves me as I am. Though I'm cheap and filthy and guys made fun of me, he do loves me. He assured me that nobody would had marry a women like me. I'm more like a toy to them. Nobody can love me the way he does. And after so much of this kind of input, it just killed me inside and I'm in no strength to fight and what for anyways. We do feel happy doing things and being together and as long as I brush aside all his insults, things would be fine. He's a good father, he take care the kids well, fulfill their needs and all. Sometimes I wish he would do the same to me and not making me feel like I'm just a womb carrying his kids. It's hard to ask him for help. Even to pass me small thing, would be an insult to him. He would either ignore it or just throw them at my face. Yeah just the right treatment I should get as a fithly and dirty women. He did admit, sometimes he is so digusted with me, pity me for being toys of men. I just keep quiet, his words break me into pieces, what else could I say. But I know, no matter how disgusted he is with me, he needs me to satisfy his needs as no one could. He do admit that he's a bit weird with his sexual needs and thanked me for being understanding and most accomodating. I feel proud at a time, but after all these years, I'm not sure what I should feel anymore.

Last month I've lost my phone, the one he bought as gift for the service I gave him. I can't recall for what actually. Then recently, I got to know that he actually got the money to buy the phone from pictures that he sold to some guys. He said it was pictures of all those toys sticked up to my cunt. I told him he was crazy. But he assure me that it was all without faces. It shocked me like hell, I'm not sure if he's making up stories, I just keep quiet, my mind was so numbed to further think about that. He told me that if I want new phone, I need to fulfill his assignment - asked from my toy boys a porno CDs, karoke with guys that can give me hard stick up in my cunt and ass, he wanna join if possible or anything that I should well known of his needs. And I'm in desperate need to buy some porno CDs which I don't know where or how as he keep asking about it everyday and pissed him off everytime i said - soon.

Sometimes I just wish that I couldn't care all and run away from him, but I can't. I can't leave my kids. They all need me, I know. I've tried once, isolating myself in UK for 3 weeks. No one knows that I actually running from reality. But things got worst. Even when I'm thousand miles away from him, I need to updates him with all those nasty stories which really push me right to the edge. He needs me and I realized that I need my kids. I'm stuck and it come to sense that I don't really own myself. They own me.

Last week, there's a news that made headline about a 50s couple who lived in an estate where a wife run away from her husband because she had enough with him. The husband would asked the estate workers to have sex with his wife while him filming the act. This started when the husband realized that he was impotent to perform sex. When I read this, I had cold sweat all over me. I just closed the paper not willing to read more as I feel like vomiting. Then my husband read the paper and showed it to me of the headlines, I just blurted him with remarks - that was you okay!. And he just kept quiet and life remain as usual for me.

Oh gosh..where the hell can I buy for that blardy CDs.!!

Everything I do, I do it for you

I don't think anyone can imagine and understand the pain that I'm going through. I'm becoming the most complex person on earth I think. This is the most difficult test ever and I feel like its gonna take forever. I don’t see any end road to it and so I’m not sure what I should be wishing for. There's certain point in my life, I felt like I'm losing my mind. And the only thing I can do is to take a deep breath, wrap my own self and pray that God would still give me strength and patience to go all through this for the sake of my kids.

It has been almost 6 years and I'm not sure how long I can endure this kind of life. I always felt that there's nothing left in me that’s valuable other than to serve him and my kids. I’ve already seen disgusted in the eyes of my husband and kids, so what’s there left for me? My heart has been so ripped inside and only God knows how hard I try to distract myself to think that I’m not what he thinks of me. I used to console myself saying that nobody can hurt me if I don’t let them be. But how long can I defense myself from this tremendous assault and game? I’m all by myself and I’m not that strong. I love them so much, that I guess this is the only sacrifice that I'm worth for.

I'm no longer myself because I have to become what you want me to be - your sex slave. It’s a brain exhaustion to fulfill your fantasy. Sometimes I have to refrain myself from vomiting thinking about it. There's no single day in that we've gone through that you had never cursed me as slut. Even my son would say mom is for free or cheapsale or touch n go. Can you imagine how that cut me into pieces. And when I told him not to say that in front of our kids or teach them to say that, you would say coz that's the truth.

What else can I do? I can't leave him because I know that he's sick and my kids need me. I have to admit that he’s a good father. He take care their welfare very well. And my kids deserve that all. He always says that, he's my savior. That there's no one would love me they way he does. He said that he loves me not because of my cunt, but because of who I am. But the fact is, he needs me so that he could feel complete. He knows that I could make him reach his sex fantasy. And because of my sex life before (the sex life that I’ve created for him to believe), I’m what he needs. He needs my details stories, for him to imagine how those men fucked me and hurt me. Fine. I followed through, though it makes me feel dirty and all. But after all these years, I don’t really felt anything about it. It all came naturally, like it has always been me.

He said that he can't stop me from fucking or flirting around (which is none), but I need to tell him upfront. And the only reason is for him to join in that session coz he said that it will be his ultimate dream to see me fuck with others right in front of him.

There’s one time, when he called from the office and I was in a toilet. He asked if I was with someone, and I said yes. He was so excited about it and asked if I’m doing some blowjob and all. And I said yes, that some digging and blowing was taking place. He was so overwhelmed about it and asked to leave the mobile on so that he could hear all those sounds in the toilet. And few days later he gave a new hand phone for the entertainment that I have put through. Well, that’s some kind of appreciation wouldn’t you think?

And the rest of other days would be write ups on details - of how those fuckings would be. How they would do me, how was the dick look like, what colors, how long and diameter like, if there's any smells, was the pubic hair shaved or crumpled any awkward incident happened while fucking and all sort of things. Can you imagine the same questions all these years and how am I gonna come out with answers to all that?? How many men do I have to imagine and put up in my head, in order to come out with consistent and realistic answers If my reaction is kinda lame or seemed uninterested, he would get intimidated and would be insulted. He would say, how could I can do all that, enjoying it all myself but don't even have the courtesy of sharing it with him. Then, I would put myself into that situation, using all imaginings that I have for him to reach his climax. The easiest part for me is to put up some show for him. To have me do myself till I’m out of control, wet myself like waterfall and screamed out some god knows whose name and he would be thrilled to the max. Then I would have him done. That’s how’s things goes. I can’t deny that I love him so, and that I’m doing all these because of my love to him. And I guess he will not know. All he knows is that I’m just a slut hiding behind a wife title. And all my doings were what I’ve been doing all my life, which has no different, or new meaning. That I’m cheaper than a public toilet, coz at least you have to pay to have a pee.

God is there’s anyway out please?