subject and object

I figure, I need to update and keep reminding myself of what had happened. The thing is, in order to survive in this kind of life, you need to forget and let go all those hurtful feelings and act. No matter how smart I can be, I know I was abused and manipulated by him, but I just let it be. There's no other reason for letting it gets into me, except for my kids. I will take it as long as can I can't leave them with their father. I know he's a good father, but he is a sick man. And if he can do this to me, in desperation without an object and subject like me to fulfill his sexual needs, I'm afraid if he find his way out with the kids. And I cant let this to happen.

There's not a single moment that I haven't thought of leaving him. So many times especially when I was so hurt and emotional disoriented. With the way he treated me, in my heart and mind I no longer regard him as my husband. A husband should be loving you, lead you to be a better person, safeguarded from all the harm and not otherwise. And all these years all I got was degrading insults, ignorance and exposing me to sickening sexual activities. Love words were only whispered on the bed, when I have fulfilled his sexual satisfaction. Yes, last time I felt so appreciated and like goddess. Now, love has no meaning. It's like looking to a dark plain cement.

After all these years, he has turned me into a person that he wants. A slut. Not that I cannot be one, but after all the pressure and persistence and the person that I was made to believed to be, you succumb and rebel. It came to a point where things doesn't matter anymore and there's no point to hold on something that was long shattered.

He would tell my mom, how disobedient I am. And mom would babble about it. I just kept quiet to say anything. If only she knew, that he choose what dress or skirt or shirt or panties I should wear when go out with him. How I was told how I should sit and spread my legs in front of those guys, just because he likes to see their reactions getting hard on me.

Fuck after sometime playing along with it, you becomes really good at the game. He would tell me what to say in each chat with guys so that they will send me their pic of their dick. He would then save it in his email and will repeatedly review those pics. I vomit inside at first. I know it's not normal, but after a while, I'm used to it already. I'm living with a pervert, that's the fact.

He can be nice sometimes. But I always forgot that he always got his agenda to it. He need me, because I give in for him. He knows my weakness is the kids, and he always use that when we quarrel. He would take away the kids and not picking up the call. I was so so scared and at the end, I forgot about leaving. There was last time that I told him that I want to separate. He got pissed off, pick me up at the office and planned to go the Religious department to call it off.

I was so prepared and didn't tick off with his statement. I guess he was shocked with my reaction and changed his mind. Instead he was persuading and consoling me.

And I just I forget about it, thinking future of my kids.

And that's how I have changed. I have a husband which I don't really feel he is. My mind and heart has parted it so well, that I do not have any guilty feeling of it. In my mind, I am now leaving separately and I am there with him just to take care of the kids.

Well that's how it is now.

This is not love, it's morbidness

It's been awhile and that I hope things would have changed. But it didn't. But I did discover new thing. I'm not alone facing this morbidness. I read it somewhere and how that woman managed to escape for her better life. I did try many times, but I couldn't. First, he won't let me go as he would persuade and beg, secondly since I'm aware that this is a sickness, I'm just afraid something's bad will happen to the kids if I leave them with him. I'm willing to sacrifice for them. I only hope that the kids would be able to see me as their mother who love them so much, no matter how constant the father humiliated and insulted me. It will crush me if they buy it.

Even my lil daughter who is just 3 yo would say " hey mom, that's your friend right ?" pointing to an Indian stranger. Reason? Oh yeah, because the father would openly tell the kids that the Indian is mommy's friend, indicating that I've slept with Indian. And because Indian skin color are obviously dark, that poor lil kid would imply all Indians are mommy's friend.

Well, that's just part of it. It hurts so much to recall everything.

Here's something I wrote to remind me of this current state of feeling. Because I know, I will forget it later, to forget the bitterness in order to go on with this kind of life.

She is (*in his eyes)

There’s a darkness that I can’t contained
It’s an obsession nobody comprehend
An essence to my contemplation
A salvation to this damnation
I need her because she satisfies
I need her because she listens
Don’t she knows the pain beautifies her
Don’t she knows her blood tasted honey
And I wrap her for not to shiver
I groomed her
For something that is doomed
I prepare her
Till she has nothing to spare
I’m a savior to her filthy soul
Her filthy soul that completes me
Im sorry I know not what to worry
Im sorry for this manipulation was never meant to be
Im sorry to kill her soul slowly
For the lust that’s inside me
My love is great, my love still wait
Even thousands men makes her wet
I’m her savior to her filthy soul
The only filthy soul that completes me

Fuckers

Things changed so fast this few months back. I guess I've reached my bottleneck in which I'm not able to run anymore but submit to his needs. I've become his most obedient student and he loves me for that. For him, I'm the sex goddess and that's the only time I feel worth. Apart from that I'm lower than a whore.

Now I did go out with guys. Sometimes its merely a drink but I would exaggerate just to satisfy his imaginings. Even if I told him the truth, he would push and push for me to say exactly what he wanted to hear, that we had a fuck. And that would keep him satisfied and happy for the night. And the next day, he would curse me as usual. Slut!!

At this point of time, he is chatting with me (he's on leave today) asking me plan for tomorrow to date a guy. What I should be wearing and all. He asked me to ask him like how Mark did to me when he asked questions (oh yes, he reads all my cybersex and all chats with men). Straight to point. Like asking him to go to his place and have a fuck there. And I need to let the phone on so he could hear us making out or take pic of his cock. That would please him and its a show of respect.

Until today, I manage to be faithful and not having fuck with any man, in REAL. But I would not know tomorrow. He said if he can't see me fucking a man, he would arrange for one. I'm so tired and I really don't know how and what to do.

Feel like getting out of this SHIT!!

Really feel like running away from him. I just can't stand him, really. He was blaming me to have him wait in the car. I'm not late, it's just that moment when we are going off to work this morning, my daughter wanted to loo. I need to put her in toilet sit and all. And the moment I sat in the car, he blamed and judged me, saying that I'm so inconsiderate. I told him the reason but he can't seem to accept it. He kept on saying things like, you are not the one who will get show cause letter and all that. I asked him why do he kept on blaming me for all him dissatisfaction or for whatever reason.
He said just to make me understand, that the consequences of all my action will cause him trouble.

So ic..if he got the a show cause letter, its my fault because my daughter wanted to loo ? What about him having to go toilet ? Why didn't make it at 6 am the moment he woke up ? So that wasn't part of the contribution to lateness ?

He told me that of coz I would love him to get fired and we got no food to eat and all. And I asked him why. And he said of course you would love it - sebab nanti u boleh la jual puki u tu kat sumer orang nak dapat duit.

Amboi sedap nya cakap..

Yela..tak reti-reti lagi..dari bagi orang free..baik jual. You punya pemikiran ni..memang pendek..macam mana you pikir you bagi puki u tu kat jantan2 lain..


I just kept quite..there's almost tears but I contained. The tears should be running blood right out from my heart.

Blardy CDs

It's been awhile I didn't take time to express feeling here. I guess that period were most filled up by feeling that things were more managable, that perhaps those senseless life I'm having were eventually acceptable and making sense. But since I'm writing now, I guess insane things can never be comprehended by my sanity. Sometimes I amazed myself of how I can carry on life as it is, it's been 6 years now. Thank god I have a lots of sense of humor. I would smile and laugh to every insults that he made on me, belittling me infront of the kids. Only God knows how hurt I am when my kids now, have picked up those insult as facts of me. Sometimes I fought back of his insults and managed to reconcile my kids understanding on how bad or filthy their mother is and sometimes I'm so devastated and tired to fight and let all the insult on me with hope that the kids didn't understand what their father is cursing their mother. There's nothing and days without insult except when we fought. At least, he would be angry with me and didn't curse me and I felt free. But things would back to normal, when would fuck me in middle of nite or moring, forcing me to admit of all those fucks I had during our fights. And I would have to create another new stories to satisfy him and things would go back to square again. The next day, he would cynically bring up stories about my fuckings and said that he was insulted because I didn't tell him upfront or at least switch on the phone while having fuck in toilet or car, so that he could listen. Yeah, that's my life.

I'm well aware of what man are like, their perspective and their needs. I don't like flirting around with guys, it is so not me. But with all the pressures and after all these years, I'm just out of new stories. I'm driven to flirt with guys. And those flirts will be shared with him. What they say and such. The truth is, I only talked to them, to just get few stories out and the rest especially on the sexual parts are more of my creation. It will make him hard and happy.

Well, sometimes I asked myself, where is the line? How far can I stand living and carrying this burden ? Seriously, I'm not sure what is love. I know he loves me coz he always said that he loves me as I am. Though I'm cheap and filthy and guys made fun of me, he do loves me. He assured me that nobody would had marry a women like me. I'm more like a toy to them. Nobody can love me the way he does. And after so much of this kind of input, it just killed me inside and I'm in no strength to fight and what for anyways. We do feel happy doing things and being together and as long as I brush aside all his insults, things would be fine. He's a good father, he take care the kids well, fulfill their needs and all. Sometimes I wish he would do the same to me and not making me feel like I'm just a womb carrying his kids. It's hard to ask him for help. Even to pass me small thing, would be an insult to him. He would either ignore it or just throw them at my face. Yeah just the right treatment I should get as a fithly and dirty women. He did admit, sometimes he is so digusted with me, pity me for being toys of men. I just keep quiet, his words break me into pieces, what else could I say. But I know, no matter how disgusted he is with me, he needs me to satisfy his needs as no one could. He do admit that he's a bit weird with his sexual needs and thanked me for being understanding and most accomodating. I feel proud at a time, but after all these years, I'm not sure what I should feel anymore.

Last month I've lost my phone, the one he bought as gift for the service I gave him. I can't recall for what actually. Then recently, I got to know that he actually got the money to buy the phone from pictures that he sold to some guys. He said it was pictures of all those toys sticked up to my cunt. I told him he was crazy. But he assure me that it was all without faces. It shocked me like hell, I'm not sure if he's making up stories, I just keep quiet, my mind was so numbed to further think about that. He told me that if I want new phone, I need to fulfill his assignment - asked from my toy boys a porno CDs, karoke with guys that can give me hard stick up in my cunt and ass, he wanna join if possible or anything that I should well known of his needs. And I'm in desperate need to buy some porno CDs which I don't know where or how as he keep asking about it everyday and pissed him off everytime i said - soon.

Sometimes I just wish that I couldn't care all and run away from him, but I can't. I can't leave my kids. They all need me, I know. I've tried once, isolating myself in UK for 3 weeks. No one knows that I actually running from reality. But things got worst. Even when I'm thousand miles away from him, I need to updates him with all those nasty stories which really push me right to the edge. He needs me and I realized that I need my kids. I'm stuck and it come to sense that I don't really own myself. They own me.

Last week, there's a news that made headline about a 50s couple who lived in an estate where a wife run away from her husband because she had enough with him. The husband would asked the estate workers to have sex with his wife while him filming the act. This started when the husband realized that he was impotent to perform sex. When I read this, I had cold sweat all over me. I just closed the paper not willing to read more as I feel like vomiting. Then my husband read the paper and showed it to me of the headlines, I just blurted him with remarks - that was you okay!. And he just kept quiet and life remain as usual for me.

Oh gosh..where the hell can I buy for that blardy CDs.!!