globalization

Last Friday, while walking back to my office after lunch, I saw this one Nepalese pokguard sort of like winking-smiling at me and was shoving something in his hands towards me. I stopped and faced him coz I thought maybe I dropped something. Then he handed me this small piece of white paper and there was numbers written on it. And he said " Can you call me?" 

And I was like OMG!! Market wa sudah downgrade ke hapa? Pok guard Nepal ni pon nak usha gua siotss!! Giler bitch bunyinye!! I didn't mean that, I get numbers from so called elites yuppies but not pokguard! Well, come to think of it, I used to get numbers from a Bangla bagel worker at Plaza Damas. So let me rephrase, it is not a downgrade..but more of a diversed market and global of coz..hah! gilo!

The thing about some man (sample of item pokgad Nepal & Banglabagel worker), they thought that when I'm being nice to them (because I treat everyone equally, no matter what background you are), I'm opened to next level. For example, this Banglaman, while waitng for my bf at the Bagel shop, he came and chat and being one civilized person, wa layan la. Just some decent chat, like his life and working experience and even offer him my ciggy. I like to feel dominant in that way. Tapi tu lah, wa terperangkap beb, last-last dia mintak hp number gua. Cait! Persuasive plak tu. Tapi yela, The game is mine, I got my free drink and cabut when my bf arrived. Dengan si Nepal ni plak, muka hensem macam AmirKhan, dok usha-usha when I was having my ciggy break alone. Everytime he was about to come and chat, I will pretend that I was talking on the phone. Haha..jahat!

So now, I'm a bit paranoid to have my ciggy break, afraid if I bumped into this Nepalese pokgad. Malas siots..I had enough man in hand to handle, nak tambah scandal ngan pokgad ke plak. Dah la muka stim semacam je, yela you can understand how their air kat kepala bertakung. On what basis this guts are coming from? Over desperation to get a fuck sebab dick dah melecet sebab asik kena DIY and need a real one or bila mamat ni pandang I, I look like SelenaGomez and every movement suddenly go slow-mo with hair blowing and he sees his first love...Hahaha macam haremmm!! I'm skeptical on this. Scary gak la!

Anyway, I didn't tell him about this coz I know what he would probably say or even ask me to do with this pokgad. This pokgad can be such a vulnerable subject and I just don't want to get involve with something that I don't dare to think.

It's time to go back now. Another routines awaits at home and I need a hair cut!

Liking the licking?

That nite, he said he don't have so called 'appetite' to fuck me, boley? He said I'm the kind that is just of a pleasure to watch. I know he's stressed because I seem to be lacking of stories for him, not sharing any steamy chat and his provocative berry messages were ignored and he just wanted to irritate me. Basically, I'm just fed up with all this shit, and ended up hating men so much coz letting me to use and be used by them. And when I'm at home, every time when I wanna take bath he would watch. If I go naked he would said that I didn't have any fucking session during the day so it's ok for him to touch me and if I covered my body with towel (because I hate it coz he said I look like Siamese whore), he would said that I have bruises or scratches on my body that I was hiding. And he keep on comparing how I was willing to obey to what other men wanted me to do, but with him I  ignore his request and keep on asking me..Have you got the dictpic? Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic?Have you got the dictpic? It's driving me nutsssssssssss!!!!Mental gua siotss!!!

So back to that nite, again he told me that he will fuck me if I have chat with my so called fuck fren and he will fuck me while I'm chatting with them. He took my phone and passed it to me. That annoyed me to the max because wa memang dah stim giler and at the peak of my hornyness. I can't control the feeling of the need to get fuck. The point where he said that he's not going to fuck really upset me. So no matter how I hate it, I managed to get him one new cockpicture. Quite easy, I'm not sure why some man love to send me their dictpic. Well anyways, it was a nice one really. Do I need to describe it in detail ? Nahh..

But this guy likes to call and I hate it. I don't like stupid cliche steamy conversation to be dragging. So I pretend. I'm a good pretender that is.

So I got him what I want and ask him to give me a fuck. He said its not enough. He wanted to see the cum. Shit fuck I really hate it to feel like begging. So I told him to get me the dildo because I really tak tahan already. So he took out all the equipment,.. but hold on.. let me rewind few hours before that..

He told me that the toys were out of battery. And  when we came back from supper he reminded me to buy the batteries for the dildo. And while he was filing up the petrol, I need to ask the batteries from the counter coz it's already midnite and they closed the door. So the conversation is like this.

Hello ada battery tak ? I asked the banglaman

Ada..mana satu.? A4, A3, A2?

I was puzzled. I know A4 is Audi, A3 a paper size and A2 is what I get for my Math.

Yg kecik punya..bukan bukan..ya ya itu itu

He got me the right one and ask. Apa bikin battery malam-malam..

Eh bangla ni..macam tau tau plak..Saya mau pakai for errrr..torchlight

Torchlight pakai busat punya..itu kecik..

Err..torrchlight saya kecik..

I wish I could say..

Ooo..itu saya punya vibrator sudah abis battery. Saya mau letak itu battery dan main sama itu vibrator

And banglaman tu pun akan wish to reply

Ooo..pakai battery ka? Saya punya tak payah pakai battery.. u mau ka??

Hahaha..wtf!! I'm nuts!

So back to that session, the toys were full charged with batteries and it gave me joy to the max. You know, when you reached peak of it, it just blow you mind. Scientifically, it produce an almost trance-like state where women do not have any emotional feelings at that time. Euphoric that is. It last for few seconds, but it was a moment that you will be longing for everytime and that's a gift. Sometimes the clit-O is sufficient to just set you free. I don't think I really do need a man kot..muhaha..I just keep it in my bag in case I need it and it's hygienic too. You don't have to worry about getting disease. I mean I'm financially stable, I have my kids and I have my toys that can give me joys. Man ? Mmm..another toy? 

Gosh I sound like a total bitch kan..nahh I didn't mean that really. Wa just stressed to max today. I need a good fuck tonite. 

Okthanksbai.

Untangling life

I've been writing this blog since 2009, but I only made it to public last October. Kinda exciting so far. Another avenue for me release besides on bed of coz.

In  life, we all have our challenges and tests. I don't know what kind of test I have right now, but it seems to me like it's a lifetime. The way I see it, its either break or make me. And I don't know what has been written for me, though sometimes I do feel it break me to worst than make me to a better person. Not that I wish for, but I'm not that tough really. It's easier to get physical bruises, make a police report and have a new better life and live somewhere in Mauritius ke.. than to have emotional and mental battered with no physical evidence to claim. And I know I'm not the only one facing all this shit out there.

There are 2 major things that helps me through it. First is to fall back to the one that gives me the test, the Creator and second strong support system.

Support system can be close friends and family. It took me years to disclose to what I've gone through with my life to close friends. Giler ke nak citer about your sex life to others (consider yourself lucky to know about this giler story eh). Like everybody else, they would assume that I have such a loving husband who cares about me so much. And so did my parents. They said that although he's a bit controlling, jealous, he is a good husband who asked me to do good things and that I'm the one yang degil..do things as I like..bla bla bla. And as usual, I just kept quiet. Until there's a point that I rebel and the need to defense myself. I mean I can't do it from him and I really don't need my friends and my parents to bash me also and tell how wrong I am. So I defense and open up to my ugly and dirty life that I need to go through everyday. And they cried. I tak cry..giler mental..My friends asked me to get out of that kind of life..nanti u pon saiko macam dia, they all said and my mom was so sad that a man did that to her daughter and ask me to come back and stay with her.

But they know, it's my life and I decide. The point here is that when people you cared most know your stories, they understand you more, as of why and what action or reactions that you've  made. Their understanding and supports cushioned you from falling into a blackhole. They no longer pre-judge and judge you because they understand. It lesson the burden that you already have in hands. It hurts you most when you feel as if all those people that you care, turn against you, when all you need at that time is their love and support.

There are many times before that, that I felt so alone in this world. Many many times over the years, I was so depressed that I often can't breath when I sleep, have the same dreams over and over, sometimes ntah menjerit apa pon tak tau. Scared shit ok. And I came to think that maybe dah nak mati dah ni!

But when I opened up, these people gave me strength. They have given me lotsa perspective that I've never thought of and I'm thankful and blessed to have them in my life. All this while, I always thought that I'm a smart girl (poyo jap) and that I can manage anything that's being thrown to me.. and when God gave me this test, it's kinda humbled me to the smallest. It's ironic really.

When I was young (sekarang younger), I always said to friends..cabaran dan kepayahan itu mematangkan kita..but now I learned that these tests have levels..macam main game..that cabaran and kepayahan can either make you a better person or worst. Scary coz I do not want to be the person that is being doomed by the Creator all my life.

The Creator who knows what He gave you and what will your path of life be. The challenge here is how to keep on maintaining your duties as His servant despite all these challenges. Objectives are the same, but the tests are distractions to qualify how strong you are. And I can tell you, it's very very tough when you're fighting against lust. 

I try and keep on trying and I pray that Allah will always guide me and forgive all my sins. That's the only time I cried macam nak rak asking for Him to help me through this life and give me the best way out for all of us. I'm ashamed of how stupid and disgusting person I can be. I felt relieved crying in middle of nite asking for his forgiveness and guide me the right way. No matter how dirty I felt, He creates me and I'm still His creation with a purpose in life that He knows all.

So whenever I feel lost and out of hope and when it's like the end of wits, I fall back to these 2 systems to keep my sanity. Besides good fucking sex session..a good laugh to all of this helps too.

I didn't mean to sound so goody goody coz I know I'm not. I just wanna remind myself that despite all these shits in life, many other things beautify it. You need to learn to appreciate more and see things in many views.  All things that you see, feel and hear as one are something that Allah has consented for you to decipher and understand. And there are still a lot for me to learn.

Have a nice weekend you. Oh btw, thank you for reading this blog whoever you are :)

Hair got tangled every night coz my son play with it until he got his finger stuck to it while sleeping.

And I only comb my hair in car otw to office and found tis again tis morning . 

Took me few mins to detangled it.

Tak de masa nak sikat rambut kat rumah okay.

Tip of the orgasm

Here's some boring stuff. 

I don't really like wearing jewelry, so I don't have many of them. The only jewelry I own are those mom  bought me since I was a baby and those sets I got from my marriage hantaran, in which I don't wear any of them. I'm a bit clumsy when it comes  to keeping all those things intact. It's either masuk lubang toilet, tersangkut kain tuala or misplaced it. Sometimes when I lost things, he would said..nasib baik la your pepet tu melekat..else I don't know which man you have it stick to. Anyways.. I find it a bit inconvenient to sleep when you have the earring poked behind your ears and that huge rock on your finger scratched your face and worst my baby. So I usually don't wear them at all. I only wear cheap watch and accessories, tu pun bila rasa nak melawa..which is like everyday heheh..so if hilang or scratch tak la ralat sangat. But with cheap watch and accessories, I'm a trend setter babe..tak tipu. I don't really wear branded items, not that I can't afford it coz I am the brand..cewahh!

So my hard earn usually wasted on shoes, bags and make ups..an obsession yang tidak dapat dibendung. Whenever I bought them it's like reaching a minor orgasm.

Materially, they make me happy. I'm happy to have them arranged and organized in wardrobe and on the shoe racks and dressing table. Whenever I'm stressed I dust, polished them and if they need repair I will attend to it. Giler saiko I know. But those are little things that make me happy. But there's one day, that he said my bags were occupying many parts of the wardrobe and that the shoes racks were ridiculously displayed under the stairs and it looks stinky (no they are not okay!). It was a big issue to him. I guess, in the house I should claim no space for my stuff. So, hakak merajuk okay..so I thrashed all the shoes and bags in garbage plastic bags and put them in the store. He seemed fine with that but it was a sad sad day. I leave only those frequently used shoes in the boot of my car..maybe I should have shoe rack in it..wtf! I know some may not understand this, but imagine having a series of guitar collections with EricClapton or Slash signature on it and your partner called them as some guitar cabok and ask you to keep it in store?! Sad la..serious! 

And yesterday, I found out that my little doter sudah buat project. She quietly ransack my cosmetic bag and sudah buat painting on her face and neck with my concealer daaa..waaaa..But, I'm ok with it. It's good for her to experiment those make ups..she must have observed me putting on those things and wonder.

So I asked her..Adik, why do you put on mummy's make up?..look in the mirror..do you look pretty with those spot here and there? 

No mummy not pretty 

So why u play with mummy make up ?

I want pretty like mummy

Princess already beautiful..mummy not pretty and need make up to cover it.

Agak-agak..dia paham tak mak dia memakai metaphor tahap dewa-dewi..haha..she's so cute that I don't mind she's playing with my shoes, bag, accessories and make up. It will be hers one day anyway.. tu jela harta mak dia yang ada..and I'm giving her the memories that she once played with it :)

The smudge

The major smudgee..huwaaaa

Obsession and possession

Last few days, he was on leave but I was working due to hectic month end close. So he called and said that we should have lunch together..ahhh so sweet your husband..said some of my lady colleague..klu yang jantan dia cakap..bini hot bro..klu aku lama dah ikat kat umah!

And I just smile, only God knows that ah-so-sweet-husband-bini-hot-ikat-rumah were all spark of an obsession to a sex machine - to make full utilization of it. I can't deny he does love-eh me, coz he told me that sometimes, watehek anyways, when I'm more of his obsession actually. He's obsess with me - his toy. He called me at least 5 times a day, text me in between, if I didn't picked up or reply, I'm doomed. He sometimes came around my working vicinity to spot check if I'm at work or fucking somewhere. He have the security guards report to him on my whereabouts (I suspect), he checks my emails, chats, pictures, history, cache, recycle bins, my panties, my body if there's any bruises or scratch, my car mileage, where I pump my petrol..mm what else. Well, is that obsession or what? My no.1 fan aka stalker is my husband. How grateful can a wife be eh. He said all he can think of is my pepet and seeing me fuck with other guy. And my cunt don't even know how to speak. I guess that's why man hates woman that nags. Giler power siotss!

He said he has all the rights to do that coz I belong to him, I'm his wife. And I have no right to have any secrets from him. Yeah of coz, that is true. Marriage and partnering is all about that - sharing, caring, tolerance, understanding. I guess for him sharing here means, sharing dickpics or dickheads that I've fucked with or perhaps sharing my cunt with many dickheads, I don't know. Mak hilang arah tujuan bila hari-hari kena imagine dickery dickery dick nih! Nak makan meatballs Ikea pon rasa tak complete if takde sosej untuk dijilat! Saiko giler dowh!!

So anyways, back to lunch last few days, he text me that he will buy me lunch if I can came down from office not wearing my panties coz I'm wearing short skirt that day. Not a weird request anyways..and I was like aahh ok..my pepet is as cheap as the lunch treat anyways (like what he always said to me - sad really but I'm used to that anyways).

So after we had lunch , he finger fuck hold my hand in the car before dropping off me at the office. Sweet.

Kinky? You know if you have a normal relationship, going out not wearing panties is giler sexy okay, what more if you have a finger fuck holding hand session after that. But that is it, it's mutual. You don't say and imply that those session were for those paid lunch, and to say it to a wife ? Unless he thinks you as cheap as that set lunch. Well! Bingo!

And immediately when I was in the lift, I received his text again asking me to get picture of my apekcock and ask him to set up chat with him at night. Sigh. That was his underlying intention actually. That was his most awaits upah.

But I was too bz to even go to pee and how do I squeeze my time to get that fuckin apekdickpict. If it is that simple as "Hey Ah Kau, can you berry me you dickpic please. I need it when you still have your extra skin dangling and when it gets hard too. Your support is very much appreciated, thanks. Boleh?

And he would push and push me until I gave him the answer that he wants to listen. If I say Ah Kau or Ahmad or Kupusamy were not around to chat, he would provoke and challenge me..Kenapa dah tak laku dah? No one's interested with your pussy anymore is it? Lubang besar lori pon boleh buat u-turn? And he would laughed at me sarcastically. What would you feel if your partner said something like that to you? The reason I asked is because I do not know what else I should feel. It doesn't matter, this is not the first time he said that anyway.

I reached home quite late that nite and I need to attend the kids and all and fall asleep while sleeping them. I was so hungry that I woke up at 12 midnight to eat my dinner. I saw he was about to sleep and was taking his meds. He was mumbling that he's having back pain and headache all because of me and that I'm a selfish bitch. He said he had taken 2 BP pills and yet still in pain to indicate how stressful he was. It's all about me. It's all me that caused his sickness, he told me that many times. If he had a back pain, it's because I'm lazy to do house chores, if his urine got infected it's because I've been fucking around without telling him, if he got his headache it's because I didn't give him his dickpic and chats, even when I'm pregnant to my last doter, he said he needed to do DNA test to ensure she's his doter and that just crushed me to bones.

He scolded the kids without reason, he started to ignore me again, didn't eat my cooking and don't even look at me as if he despise me so much.

I'm too used to all that already that what I feel doesn't matter. I pity him really. He is still my husband. I can see he's in pain and struggling to overcome both physical and mental pain.

He just text me and said that he's going for a cockmassage because he can't get anything from me. I know he wouldn't dare though he wanted to. He just want to make me feel guilty for not giving him what he wants and that he need to seek outside pleasure for that. I know he will come back and use that  to ask for things that's painful for me to handle. I need to play hard and close my eyes imagining that I'm skate dancing on the smooth ice of Alaska.

I need to float myself somewhere until the pain is gone. 

* layan Black from Pearl Jam sambil makan sushi