my faveret mug

My daughter wanted me to send her to mom's house so she could play with her cousins during this school hols. So I need to cook early in morning for abang and kakak and drive all the way to Shah Alam and rushed to office and the traffic memang la macam haremmm!!! Sabo je la! Masuk lambat je la coti skola nih.

It was his birthday last few days and I bought him dinner at nice place together with the kids. I've never missed to buy him prezzie or card or even nice dinner. And this time, it's only dinner. I was thinking of buying him watch, but then on second thought, I think I had given him too much that it doesn't have much value to him anymore. Just like me I guess.

Well..he text me asking if I bought him any prezzie. I told him I gave him my cunt tonite..muahaha..and he said that's for whoever and replied to ask me if I can give him a chat or dictpick. I told him I've already blanjer makan and he said that's makan..and he want prezzie.. I told him he didn't bought any presents for me either..in fact for few years. My torch blackberry he bought for my last year ended up me paying for it...ni kes i-blanjer-u-bayar. (of coz I didn't mentioned this to him..nanti drop his water face..sendili mau ingat la kan) Hahaha..padan muka...

And he said he did bought me birthday present ti year, just that I didn't remembered it. I asked him what was it because I know there wasn't any, because if he thought that black dildo was one, it definitely not count as he bought it for his benefit and on many normal occasions. So terus senyap la.. but really..I don't mind not getting any presents, spending another year with the kids and him around is more than enough for. 

But deep down, I do long for a bouquet of flowers sent to my office. And I know he wouldn't buy any coz I did told him before but he said it's waste of money. So wa senyap je lah.. terpadam la harapan nak dapat sejambak bunga dari seorang suami. Well, true I guess, it's waste of money. But being a woman, flowers are something that can make differentiation than the rest of other day. You just want to feel special on that day. And he wouldn't understand that anyways.  And never been given flower in my entire life makes me think that it's only my forever wishful thinking. Ahh..pathetic..order bunga anta diri sendiri sudehh!! Haha..giler saiko macam Mr Bean anta kad krismas to himself..LOL!

Ok sambung..

So back to to-fro from Shah Alam to pick up my doter, I kinda feel tired by end of the day. So after showered and had our dinner, I lied down just to regain back my energy. And he was pissed seeing that I'm resting and he was doing laundry and that I left my drink on the table for him to clean up. I told him that I need to rest for awhile and I will finish up my drink and clean up. He was grumbling saying that I should do all the chores first than only rest. Well, I know my body, if penat tu memang la penat..I just need a rest. Paksa-paksa pon tak guna coz if I fell sick..takde orang pon nak jaga. I didn't said that of coz. I just kept quiet letting him said all things he wanna said as if I have no feeling at all. 

So I woke up to finish up my drink but it was no longer on the table. And I saw my mug and jug were in the dustbin. I just don't know what to say. My kids saw the expression on my face, and my daughter said..it's ok mummy..boleh basuh mug tu. Oh! Kesedihan okay. And I just went to bed in sorrow giler.

So this morning, as if I'm ok with my mug being thrown in the dustbin, I asked him if he's going to pay for the hotel he asked me to book. And he did a surprised look and said no. So I told him if he's not going to pay I will be cancelling it.

Kesian budak-budak looking forward for it but I just want him to take ownership too and not depending on me to pay for the hotels every time it's school holidays. Banyak kali dah terkena, suruh book hotel..last-last mak gak kena fork out. And this month I'm paying for my car insurance and roadtax, so I'm on tight budget. So he asked the kids, who want to follow him to go back hometown and who want to stay with mummy. Aikk.. tak pasal-pasal, sebab hotel tak book, hakak kena tinggal. Argghh! Like ohsome okay the way he thinks. 

Really I'm too sedih okay when I think about my mug that he threw into the dustbin. What was he thinking? Maybe he couldn't accept that he was going to wash my mug so he threw it? No matter how he treated me, I still respect and take care of him as a husband. And he threw my faveret flowery mug?? Malas la nak ulas2..nanti cakap ungkit pulak.

I'm just too sad. If I wanna make a scene, I just can tell him that I'm not following him back to his hometown. And I know he will say - pergi mampos lah and u boleh pergi fuck around with your bfs! And when he came back he would interrogate and asked details of those cocks..hahah..Yeah something like that!

And I will have my serenity for few days.. Yayy...but of coz I can't do that. I need to take care of the kids..makan pakai sumer..so that's how it is. Or maybe I just let him take care of the kids. Ehmm..

And I called my mom just now because I have doubt about mandi wajib. Do I need to mandi wajib every time I cumm or only when we have sex? I read it somewhere that only applicable when you have sex. Tapi still musykil. Coz the thing is, I think we haven't have sex for months because I was a dirty person to him and he only like to shove in those equipments to me and that excites him to max. Sex..I need to seek somewhere else but not with him. Duhh!! But really..do I need to mandi wajib every time I cum? So my mom said..we talk about this later! The kids are around. 

Yes mummy!

And esok lusa wa coti..yayyyy!!!

femme fatale fuck

I write this post feeling so pissed off with a body called man. So I may sound either bias or just being true. So read this with a pinch of salt ye.

I don't want to label man because you would say that ..pompuan pon sama gak! But the thing is, most man I get to know are so selfish unfortunately. Some can be obvious piece of shit while others demonstrated it when trapped in situation where shits were squeezed out of them. Sometimes I do wonder what were these people made of? If cruelty definition can be expanded, they can be part of that too. Ouchh kann..

Where women were breed for lust, manipulated and toyed and because of hatred that was nurtured for long time worked into vicious cycle. And what has the world become? Salah sapa?

No doubt ramai perempuan yang evil, but are we contributing more of that kind into that statistics? Of course judgements were made based on actions taken but how many of us able to weigh causes and take most prudence decision especially when all negative feelings accumulated at one point..and we count 1-10 and tell ourselves...lek dulu bro..!!??

When a woman that suppose to have so much love, passion and patience in her to balance the whole universe, no longer can hold the torments that were pressing against her and she turned to become a destroyer because herself has long been destroyed and betrayed. When a woman caused the fall and wreck of a man instead of their success? And when man are suppose to lead and what have they led? Bed? They are too laid back with their responsibilities and instead took it as a privilege to game around. Yang bachelor wants to remain bachelor sebab tak puas main..Yang dah kawen still tak puas main..hari-hari makan nasik..nak jugak rasa kuewtiaw sometimes. Whoaa! Ada macam trailer citer Wondebra Woman tak? Kekeke

Whenever I'm with them, I can't stopped to ask myself. Why do they want to be close to me? What are their motives? Is it their ego, objectives or dickheads or all of them? There's nothing done for no reason. No shit in their head to say that I did it for the love of God or because you're good and that's why I'm doing it for you. That's all total BS okay.

But before answering that, you need to self-aware of what mojo you got beb! I know I got beauty, good bods (stok boleh lambung2 katanye..), some extend of authority and influence and purchasing power. Whether it is a fact or not, it doesn't matter to people who perceived me those ways. So basically when I asked that questions to myself, I also need to understand what are their perceptions towards me.

So, if mamat ni kasik ayat power - your eyes must have melt so many guys kinda crap..this guy basically motipnye nak main je.. there's no such thing that your eyes can melt people okeh..unless you're superman la. Cuma for man, they like to ayat-ayat dulu..see how woman react malu-malu, perasan sekejap, play with their feelings bagai..let them head over heals on you..for them it's a thrill. Rather than be as direct as bila-nak-main-ni-i-tengok-profile-pic-pon-dah-pancut. No doubt memang ada, yang ni dah sah la jumpa main terus je. Set-set ni memang la bersepah. If you dah confident..nak test boleh je..layan je mamat2 yang dok ayat nih..and once you get bored with them just drop the bomb - I'm not interested in you..batang gatal la lu! Then blah!

I'm not going to elaborate about ego and objectives. You all must be yawning while scratching balls..thinking watehel crap is she talking about!

Tapi kan... sambung jap! All you got to do is to understand things that important to them. And where does you fit in those items? Are you there being an agent for him to ride on to their benefits? Or are they willing to lower their ego and put you before their objectives?

Asking that questions can make you stay safe and alert of their motives and not get caught in their play. Women are so emotionally driven and any sweet talks were taken as good where instead it's just a game. Technically when you know what's their motive and put aside your feelings, you can basically see where they are coming from and how the games is gonna end. If you can't figure their motives try to put these 3 at stakes. You will see they jump the wagon and you'll know they are not that sincere or sweet or gentleman after all..just full of filthy ego, selfish human casing, doing just anything to get a lick on their dickhead.

And I will always ask similar questions as check balance. What is it there for me? For my ego? I don't have one. To move to greater career heights? I love my work, I'm good at it and I don't need to suckdick for that. For dickheads? Can't deny I love dickheads and all they want is to have the taste of my tongue on their dickheads tapi setakat standard soggy piping, it doesn't worth the effort. So basically to enjoy the begging and to prove that I'm just correct on these man. That they are such assholes piece of shit!

All I can see are their ego, dickhead and objectives which is above all. Sometimes its seems like almost impossible to find a man that sincere.

And when they got what they want or when they found out that you're not to their benefit, or that they think they are holier than thou...sumer apekelancau pon kuar.. they talk to you as if you're some dumbass mengangkang kat tepi jalan.. no longer sounded like a gentleman with speaking London.

Go fuck urself sudah..

So this is what and how a woman can transformed into. A simple life can be as complex as and when it needs to be.

No longer was she merely the dancing-girl who extorts a cry of lust and concupiscence from an old man by the lascivious contortions of her body; who breaks the will, masters the mind of a King by the spectacle of her quivering bosoms, heaving belly and tossing thighs; she was now revealed in a sense as the symbolic incarnation of world-old Vice, the goddess of immortal Hysteria, the Curse of Beauty supreme above all other beauties by the cataleptic spasm that stirs her flesh and steels her muscles, – a monstrous Beast of the Apocalypse, indifferent, irresponsible, insensible, poisoning.- Huysmans À rebours Toni Bentley (2002) Sisters of Salome

Anyways like I said, this was written down when I was super pissed. Now dah cool dah..! Having said all that, I know there's always good human out there with sincere heart (see how I craft my words : D) and know their purpose of existence. There are still many happily married couples and family that can be an exemplary to society and so there's hope to better worrld gitew..

Panjang plak hakak bebel kat post neh!

*Kita layan lagu peberet wa untuk coolkan kemarahan..Superman from Five For Fighting.. ok bai

i so need tis Friday

Oh I'm so glad it is Friday! Really run out of energy. Meetings were back to back, lunch pon kadang terlupa nak makan..tau tau perut sakit baru teringat nak makan. Gila tak gila, I like it la plak the challenge. Carik makan beb! You gotta like what you're doing, baru la performance tip top and creative ideas masyukk. Anyways..this whole week and in fact since last week, my parents in law are at home. So it's kinda lighten me a bit as I no need to worry about food and picking up my daughter from babysitter. They are both very kind people and I got to eat good home cook meals too. 

And my hubs, biasala if his parents are here, dia akan terlebih rajin. Whenever he washed dishes or scrub the pots after her mom cooked, he will start to complain saying that I'm taking advantage on his parents presence. Aduiii..nobody asked him to wash pon, because I will do all the clean ups when everyone else have finished their meals. No big deal pon. But the things is, whenever his parents around, he wants to give the best treatment to his parents and show them that he's the one who's doing most of the house chores. Well, it's not wrong really, as I treat them as my parents too, but he didn't think that way. Maybe in a way, it's true coz last few days I came back quite late sebab banyak kerja. And on days that I came back late, he will ask me to buy groceries or pick up laundry ke..basically sebagai balasan sebab balik lambat. And he will keep on texting..beli ikan then minyak then cili..where are you..it's already 30 mins..why are you not back yet ? Where are you? Pegi lepak coffee dengan jantan mana?? Where are you?? Kenapa senyap tak balas ??

Dengan nak memilih ikan sayur lagi, dengan nak tolak troli lagi..nak kena reply sms lagi. Aduss stress siotss!! And when I did went home early, he will ask me to follow him to buy things after dinner. Last nite, I asked him if he can go alone since he came back early and I told him that I was so tired, really I was so exhausted yesterday. So he was angry and said that I can always make my time for my friends and any jantan and not for him. So I said okaylah. So after dinner he asked me to change. He tossed my g string on the floor and asked me to wear it with skirt. I was like..kamon la..nak pi amik laundry and beli sabun basuh pinggan je..pakai jeans sudeh...pastu kena bising la..u macam tu la..kalau dengan I semua taknak..kalau dengan jantan lain..semua buat!! 

So I so malas okeh..penat nak mampos nak argue...so ikut je la..kena jaja kat semua orang satu supermarket tu kenyang tengok wa pakai-skirt-nampak-g-string-terkepit-kat-alur-bontot-tu. So sapa yang stim murid-murid? Suami Marissa dan semua lelaki dalam supermarket itu cikgu!! Okeh pandai murid-murid semua!!

Motifnya apa murid-murid? I think if you follow the sequence you should know by now where all these were leading to. He just need these events to stimulate his mindfuck. That's all.

So back at home, I can't wait to jump onto my bed to sleep. It's almost 11pm and I was so tired and my feet were aching. But he's not done with me yet. He started to stroke the necessary spots to stimulate me and started asking questions. Any guy managed to fingerfuck you today? Anyone had crushed on you today? Takan takde anyone who talk dirty to you? Kena rababontot tak?

Biasanya, wa memang pakai prinsip 'kat belakang unta pon kalu nak kena kasik'.. tapi semalam I was super exhausted and I think I fall asleep while my nipples were half harden. I guess I was cursed.. kerana tidur membelakangkan suami dan membiarkan suami-kegersangan semalam. Tak sengaja..tapi nak wat camner beb wa memang tak larat sangat! He was so pissed I guess, sulking about it this morning. Maybe he's not used to rejection,  and I'm teaching my self to ok to say no and teaching him as well that I do feel tired sometimes. Yeah, I now learn to say to him 'can you gimme a min for me to just sit and lie down awhile' whenever he asked me to start doing this and that the moment I reached home. 

Well, it's like that! I need to go off early today. He kept on texting me asking if I have bought new knicker and skirt to go out tonite. And I just malas ok. But if I tell him that, I know what he will say. So layanzzz je la beb!

Sometimes, regardless how hectic your day can be, with many people that you get connected with, you always feel so lonely inside. And last nite, I felt so calm to actually have my loneliness be heard to my own ears. I was downstairs in the kitchen alone, buat susu and suddenly this song pop up in my head. Trying to recall it's lyrics and I sang macam ni...

Aku masih seperti yang dulu

Menunggu mu sampai akhir hidup ku

Kesetiaan ku tak luntur

Hati pun rela berkorban

Demi keutuhan kau dan aku

Biarkan lah aku memiliki

Semua cinta yang ada di hatimu

Apa pun kan ku berikan

Cinta dan kerinduan

Untukmu dambaan hati ku

Malam ini tak ingin aku sendiri

Ku cari damai bersama bayangan mu

Hangat pelukan yang masih ku rasa

Kau kasih kau sayang

This song is my mom's fav song in which she will request me to sing karok kat orang kawen daaa..and I do have a good voice I tell ya! Muahaha la okeh. Tapi wa really don't know ini lagu title apaaa..tapi tau lagu Indonesia la..gilo jiweng karat sehh!! Oh pleasee!!

Ok..have a nice weekend! Daaa ;)

linger

In sleepless night like this, it's the only period I can have time on my own. Sounds like almost sanctuary to me! Hah! Kesian..Anyways I'm taking a day off tomorrow, so I reckon it's ok to stay up a bit late doing my own things i.e watch my fav tv series while drinking coffee, surfing net since I no longer have time to browse during office hour, eat chocolates (caramel choc is my top list now). Baju skola untuk stok 3 hari sumer dah gosok, baju dah lipat, rumah dah kemas, keta dah basuh, mop2 kita akan outsource bibik datang next week to clean the house. Anak-anak dah potong kuku, potong rambut, beli hadiah hari guru, jalan-jalan and for him pon dah servis baekk punya..stok weekend siap ada promotion lagi - 2 intercourse get 1 bj giteww..hah! 

Di malam yang hening ini, aku tertanya-tanya di manakah silapnya perjalanan hidup ini. Oh! Adakah benar ianya suatu kesilapan atau adakah ianya suatu ketentuan? Dan apakah jika ianya suatu ketentuan dalam satu perjalanan hidup, adakah aku berhak untuk menzahirkannya sebagai suatu kesilapan? Paham?? Hehe

Even though I can't have my bags or drawer organized for more than 2 days, I'm someone who are good in organizing and planning things and making it happened. In my entire life, I've seen and witnessed things that I planned or said came true. When I was in college out of fun (I can't recall the exact reason), I've charted path of my own life on piece of white paper and paste it on the wall. The route started from college time till I'm old. It was funny at that time, me and my friends laugh guling-guling about it. 

I can't recall all but one item that I remember most was that I wrote down that I'm gonna get married to man that >10 years older than me. And that exactly what I got now. That time I always felt that men my age were selfish, immature, lack of wisdom and vain nak mampos! There's nothing much I can learn from them or woe them for, except for their ability to play their acoustic guitar singing numbers from PJ or Nirvana or Greenday or Sejatii...itu yang kau ucapkan..greng greng anddd... for their hard coded joystick loaded with testosterone waiting to get erupted. Well, that was my perceptions based on my frame of experience at that time and it may not be all true, I guess. Maybe like 98% true? Haha. 

I can't really define what man have up in their dickhead. Maybe I came from all girls school and I was brought up by my mom. So I was looking for a father figure who perhaps can lead and understand me. Like fuck I tell you I was so stewpid!!

Anyways, among some of other things that I dream of in details was my career. Maybe the need at that time was to help my mom who's struggling on her own to bring up her kids so getting married wasn't part of my main to do list. I was ambitious and I detailed out and dream of how I was going to make it big in the corporate world. And so it happened. I bought my car and house for my mom and I went to work by bus and staying at my rich untie house to get free accommodation and food. Those that got in my way, I cursed them to no longer exist. And so it did happened too. Well technically, the company was absorbed into a bigger company and so the name vanished from the stock exchange.

I planned and dreamed about things I wanted in life except my marriage. I only drafted that I'm gonna married to a man that is >10 years older than me just because I want a man than is cleverer than me and more dominant. I never did think of love, or how my wedding should be, what kind of life we should have as husband and wife, as parents or marriage agreements. I did not! More than 10 years older than me was a preset criteria that I assumed came with love package and all, though at that time I was going out with some seniors that's only a year or 2 older than me. 

And what I said and had in mind work through it. And when I came to think of it, I felt so stewwpid okeh. How could I missed that. Marriage is one of the vital event in ones life as it is a subset of a new beginnings. Orang nak kawin plan kaw-kaw punya..and I even forgot to buy shoes for my wedding day. Maybe my parent was so busy to explain to me about men and how cunning they can be and I was being so naive to believe that men were breathing teddy bears, and got lost in many castles that never were. But I don't blame them coz the best lesson in life is to learn it through pain. 

And that's why I'm gonna equip my kids with that knowledge, because the challenge now days are so much different - ayat-ayat sangatlah acidic and tricks pon sudah hupgrade; to my dotter to remember that cunningness can lead to cunnalingus and to my son - no matter how objective he can be, never to put aside humility and respect to woman. I hope I can guide and be a good mother. 

Anywayss...I guess it's not too late to dream of a happy ending life since I have such powerful powderful mind..dok gitu ??

And yes..what should I dream off now? A husband that bow to my needs and knee?? I mean I can but giler ke?? Kena laknat pantat neraka weihhh!!!

Seriously, I don't know what I should be dreaming. I can't say to have a husband to love me the way I am because I have changed. I was far more better last time than I am now. I mean last time I was stupid and naive..now I'm even more stupid. I know I'm a good fucker, even the guys can sense that I am a hard coded fucker..but it didn't mean anything if there's no feeling attached to it. Sounds cliche but it's true. I can have good fucks for all I care..but to have them regard you as a rubber duck or sweet potato holes left you emptied and lost in middle of the nights. Every fuck should bond, it should have class of its own, else it's just like peeing or shitting.

I guess everyone want to have someone worth to grow old together. And I guess I should be dreaming of 'you'? 

Bye for now..

 **Listening to Cranberries Linger

private dancer II

Lately, he changed a lot, sort of. He no longer asked for my cite-blue stories or chats. So I'm sooo relieved. No need to crack my head to think about dickheads all the times. I can at least sleep well without having nightmare being chased by long hotdog hotdick with legs, craving to be squeezed between my two cheesy buns..Hell yeah that's scary! And they keep on screaming with their squeaky little voice..'Let me mayonized you' over and over again! Hehehe! Tis is what happened when you watched too much cartoons. :D

Anyway..he did came out with different approach. He wanted real showcase. So last few days, I came back from work and he asked if I need to send my gucci glass to repair. I told him there's no need coz it's only a slight slant, and I was so tired and it's almost 9pm. But he insisted and I was like what the hell he want me to repair sunnies in middle of night! 

Being an obedient dumb wife, so I said ok. I showered and he asked me to wear my short skirts and choose my lacy black thong to wear. Ahh..ok! I should have known. He just want to see live show how I excites that salesman at that shop. Aduii!! Malas siotss!! I was so tired and I just wanna hit the bed! 

So off we went to that shop. And seperti seorang primadona..not only I salivated the shop attendance but other customers as well with my flare short satin skirt. Seriously, I do feel ashamed of myself but he's enjoying it. I just feel like I wanna run quickly out of the shop, but keep asking me to try other glasses on the shelf while being stared by other customers. So wa layan je la..what else could I do! If you ask me what do I think at that moment..I don't really know what to think or maybe I just don't wanna think! If you asked about sins..I know it's not a right / normal thing to do (I guess) and coming from a husband creates a lot of conflicts to that situation.

So to cut long story short, we had coffee, post mortem of the incident. He was so excited and happy that I've staged good performance. He said maybe the other customers almost-terpancut-la-tengok-u, katanya la..I don't know and like I care tapi wa layann he je and he's happy and I'm just ok with it. I just want to go home and sleep. Mata dah la tak leh bukak..esok nak keje lagi!

Oh but the night didn't end just like that. I need to finalized his agenda. The thing is he no longer wants to be inside me. He said I can get it with other man tomorrow or anytime and he don't mind. He just want to fuck me with all those rubberducks but after certain period of time with continued excavation shuffling in my ass deep cave pond it hurt me so much. And I just can asked him to stop and cry and in the end went numb until he cum and it's all over. Technically it was a forceful act which resulted physical pain, emotionally abused and all but when he said - you are so good sayang, it superseded every pain that you felt, because there's no such thing as being raped by a husband and if there is, you just loose in that battle even before it started. Seriously, off late I'm kinda scare to have sex coz he just don't care how I feel especially when it gets really painful. And I have no strength to stop him when he's really off his head and the other head rulezz!

But I do love him anyway..whatever that means.

Its a pathetic stories.. I should came out with some food or recipes post..Or maybe how to reach multiple Os within 5mins no? Maybe can make my life sounds more cheerful eh? What do you think? 

p/s ; sorry ye Jemz dan juga pembaca-pembaca sepi saya..sebab slalu lambat post lately! Tis new job is taking so much of my time. But worry not, I'm a fast learner so hopefully all can go smooth in couple of weeks time. Sometimes I had many things in my head to write about..but it just went off unwritten. 

Thanks for staying :P