Happy New Year

It's a new year and we always ask the same questions. What have you achieved ? Does life treats you better? Well I could say my career indeed gets better. So it's a fair life for me I guess. What more could I ask? Being good in career gave me certain level of controlling power. And he knows that. I can be on my own anytime I want. I guess that's what holding him to not let me go. I help the family economy though he seldom acknowledge it. But after all these years, I never did expect that anyway. I did it for my kids. It makes me feel happy to be able to buy them things that they want and take them out with my own money. They are happy for sure. And what he did best is to make a long list of what his financial commitments and how I didn't contribute any to the welfare of the family. So I never did ask any money from him unless if I'm really really desperate. Though it feels like begging but I don't care. Same goes if I'm sick, in which I seldom fall sick, I would struggle to take care of myself so I can recover as fast as I could. He probably think I'm a superwomen or something, so falling sick is something that he's not used to deal with, especially not with me. Not that he doesn't help me at all. He did manage the kids and buy me food and they all would sleep in another room so that I would not get them sick. Well it makes sense I guess, to be leaving me sick and alone in bed. Usually I try not to tell him if I'm sick, as he would just say that I'm lazy, or I have a lot of sins and that's my repayment to all those bad things I did. Well, I'm too sick to argue anyways so I just kept quite and see doc myself. 

It's quite saddening, but there's no one to feel sorry about anyway except myself. So I'm too devastated to ask him to send me to doc, ended up driving with my neck spasm to office like this morning and went to see docs for some medications. The thought of how I have helped him when he got warded from one hospitals to another, commuting day and nights even when I'm pregnant, taking care of him to as little as massaging his back, it just makes me realize how easy I am to be forgotten, once he's fit. Not that I'm counting things I did to him coz I did it with sincerity. It's just that, whenever I ask for a favor he would listed out all his sickness and that he's also sick etc so it's not fair for me to ask for a rub. Same goes like money, he would list out all his commitments before he would even spare his money. How does that suppose to make me feel. That I'm a  burden to him ? So I ended up not asking him any money or help if I'm broke or sick. It's just so sad. I cried in pain, looking for meds last nite. Well served me right I guess!

Not that I didn't try to be happy and I find that with my kids. And with him, every time I try to build back the passionate feeling, he still insults me. But what can that do to a dead heart. I just ignore and move on. I guess that makes him feel superior that he got to say anything he wants and I just let it be.

But there's always a concern of how he sometimes brainwash the kids with nasty word about me, like asking them who is the most nastiest person ? Where the answer would be me. Or when I pray, he would start to mock to say that its good that I have repented all my sins. And sometimes starting to put down the kids and comparing that they are not good enough - don't be like your mother kinda thing. It's good that my small daughter would cry and fight back to deny what he said. It's human nature that when you're in in pain - physically or emotionally, you fight back. What more as a kid, they are as pure and straight to just say whatever they think. But I'm afraid if it's continued, they will all turn like me - used to the degradation and dead inside. I promise, I will fight for them in any space I can, whenever he said bad things about them. Unfortunately, I started to see that in my eldest daughter. She became more passive and sometime would said how she hates her father. I know she keeps all her frustration inside. I will try to be close as possible to her. I'm so sorry for all the things that she had to go through. I know it's a very tough life for her at the moment. And I pray that God would give her the strength to go through her life at the very best. Not to end up like her mother with this pathetic partnership wtf!

Coming back to new year, I guess my resolution is to focus on my kids. I find men are filthy creatures - manipulator and will do anything to get what they want. It's all just a game, because they like the thrill in the game, details of it. Lately I tend to be very quiet. I don't like going anywhere and prefer to just stay at home. Also I will try to ignore his crazy demands and I try not to give a fuck about it and save money for any emergency plan. I would not know what my marriage fate would be, but I pray for the best life for all of us, even if that means not being together. 


Happy New Year.