Happy New Year

It's a new year and we always ask the same questions. What have you achieved ? Does life treats you better? Well I could say my career indeed gets better. So it's a fair life for me I guess. What more could I ask? Being good in career gave me certain level of controlling power. And he knows that. I can be on my own anytime I want. I guess that's what holding him to not let me go. I help the family economy though he seldom acknowledge it. But after all these years, I never did expect that anyway. I did it for my kids. It makes me feel happy to be able to buy them things that they want and take them out with my own money. They are happy for sure. And what he did best is to make a long list of what his financial commitments and how I didn't contribute any to the welfare of the family. So I never did ask any money from him unless if I'm really really desperate. Though it feels like begging but I don't care. Same goes if I'm sick, in which I seldom fall sick, I would struggle to take care of myself so I can recover as fast as I could. He probably think I'm a superwomen or something, so falling sick is something that he's not used to deal with, especially not with me. Not that he doesn't help me at all. He did manage the kids and buy me food and they all would sleep in another room so that I would not get them sick. Well it makes sense I guess, to be leaving me sick and alone in bed. Usually I try not to tell him if I'm sick, as he would just say that I'm lazy, or I have a lot of sins and that's my repayment to all those bad things I did. Well, I'm too sick to argue anyways so I just kept quite and see doc myself. 

It's quite saddening, but there's no one to feel sorry about anyway except myself. So I'm too devastated to ask him to send me to doc, ended up driving with my neck spasm to office like this morning and went to see docs for some medications. The thought of how I have helped him when he got warded from one hospitals to another, commuting day and nights even when I'm pregnant, taking care of him to as little as massaging his back, it just makes me realize how easy I am to be forgotten, once he's fit. Not that I'm counting things I did to him coz I did it with sincerity. It's just that, whenever I ask for a favor he would listed out all his sickness and that he's also sick etc so it's not fair for me to ask for a rub. Same goes like money, he would list out all his commitments before he would even spare his money. How does that suppose to make me feel. That I'm a  burden to him ? So I ended up not asking him any money or help if I'm broke or sick. It's just so sad. I cried in pain, looking for meds last nite. Well served me right I guess!

Not that I didn't try to be happy and I find that with my kids. And with him, every time I try to build back the passionate feeling, he still insults me. But what can that do to a dead heart. I just ignore and move on. I guess that makes him feel superior that he got to say anything he wants and I just let it be.

But there's always a concern of how he sometimes brainwash the kids with nasty word about me, like asking them who is the most nastiest person ? Where the answer would be me. Or when I pray, he would start to mock to say that its good that I have repented all my sins. And sometimes starting to put down the kids and comparing that they are not good enough - don't be like your mother kinda thing. It's good that my small daughter would cry and fight back to deny what he said. It's human nature that when you're in in pain - physically or emotionally, you fight back. What more as a kid, they are as pure and straight to just say whatever they think. But I'm afraid if it's continued, they will all turn like me - used to the degradation and dead inside. I promise, I will fight for them in any space I can, whenever he said bad things about them. Unfortunately, I started to see that in my eldest daughter. She became more passive and sometime would said how she hates her father. I know she keeps all her frustration inside. I will try to be close as possible to her. I'm so sorry for all the things that she had to go through. I know it's a very tough life for her at the moment. And I pray that God would give her the strength to go through her life at the very best. Not to end up like her mother with this pathetic partnership wtf!

Coming back to new year, I guess my resolution is to focus on my kids. I find men are filthy creatures - manipulator and will do anything to get what they want. It's all just a game, because they like the thrill in the game, details of it. Lately I tend to be very quiet. I don't like going anywhere and prefer to just stay at home. Also I will try to ignore his crazy demands and I try not to give a fuck about it and save money for any emergency plan. I would not know what my marriage fate would be, but I pray for the best life for all of us, even if that means not being together. 


Happy New Year.
   

every rain flow into drain

He's been quite nice to me lately, I mean since the incident that I ran away from home. Sending me texts saying that he loves me and all. But the thing is, I felt so suffocated with all his acts. Even before that, he checked on me like every hours, what panties I'm wearing, whether I got any bruises or scratch marks on my body, and now it is much more tighter. I can't even take time off to see my parents, and the moment he knew about it, he will ask if we can have fun together. If he knew I went out with my girlfriends he will feel sidelined. As if he only want my life to be all about him and no one else.

My head is so messed up, still I obliged to his needs and wants. I just don't know what else can I do. I know he's trying hard because he can feel that I no longer have the love for him and that's why he's trying to gain that back. There's one night when we were lying on bed, he asked me if I love him, I didn't reply. I couldn't make my mouth utter anything. My heart is dead and confused of what kind of love he's implying to and I just don't know what to say. I felt pity for him, so I said that I do love him, though it was all an emptiness. He would then hugged me from behind and kiss me like there's no tomorrow and he would satisfy my sexual needs the way I always wanted. 

Making sex is the only time that I can be selfish. I do what I want and I dictate how I want it to be. It has always been multiple orgasms that i looked forward to, every time I have sex. There's always a mixture of a hard cold plastic cock and hot blooded cock to satisfy me. After years now, the feeling of orgasms can put me really high. And that's the only pleasure I'm giving myself. I'm such a good fucker! He loves and would go crazy just watching my cum oozing out from my vagina. And my body would shivers with euphoria. Its like in nirvana, really. Oh fuckk! I'm so fucking horny right now! And the one that suppose to make me happy, been bz lately. Well I guess they all are weird but predictable species. And the only thing worth the wait is only the surprise in their pants. Other than that, they are all the same!

I deactivated my fb account today as I see no reason to have one anymore since he no longer find me exciting. I've taken so much of his time, I guess it will do him good when I'm no longer around. I'm a bad apple, I rot everything's around me. He's a nice person and I'm just not.

Life after October

It's been awhile. Many things happened in my life since last October. He chased me out of the house again. Last time when he said that, I would breakdown in silence and begged for forgiveness, even though I know it was not entirely my fault. To make it easier, he was always right and I would gave in. 


But that moment I had enough. He said things that was so hurtful and I just can't forgive him for saying it. The reason for him to be furious was always the same. I didn't tell him who's the person I'm going out with. Reason being, I had enough of feeling being used, to have to tell him details of what I did with that person to excites him and feel like vomiting every time I did that. Sometimes the stories were just my creation as he provoked me to tell him things that he wanted to listen. Things that I never did. After years of provocation, I felt so used and useless for nothing but just to sexually satisfy him and I'm the one who's getting sick of it. There were times, that I told myself, well what the hell! If this is what he wants me to be, then so be it. I'll be the slut he always said I am. I don't care myself anymore and what for. The one that suppose to care, respect and protect me are the one who degrade me, put me in a situation that I can't comprehend.


So that night, he asked, I didn't tell. I need a trigger point to get out and I'm sorry I made that person one. He knew nothing about it, we just met for a drink. He was nice, he even bought me an Actifast and open the bottle cap for me. I do wish if only he could be my husband, but of course I'm not going to wreck someone's marriage for my own thought of happiness. I'm so used to sacrifice everything I had, being with someone who looks at you with admiration and opened cap of a drink bottle content me enough. I think among all the men I met who just want to fuck me, he's someone special to me. I know coz I can feel it, tho I don't know the hell was that feeling. They probably the same fuckers, just different style, I don't know. It's hard to believe that men do good to you sincerely without having thoughts of fucking you in the end. But he is an exception, I mean I want to think him that way, so I'm keeping him entirely for myself. Not even a single person will know who he is. Not yet.

That night, he didn't even let me to go back to the house to pack up my things and instead asked my brother to pack. If he came back and see my things in the house, he would dumped it in the garbage. But then I still strong myself to go back and emptied the wardrobe, shoes and documents. It saddened me so much, the night I walked out of the house for my kids and the memories. But I have no regret at all, as my heart was so crushed and I'm foreseeing a happy life ahead. I know I deserve it after all those years of mental and emotionally suffered. I just need to get out of that mess.

The next day, he came to my mom's house bringing the kids. Didn't say much, spend few hours and then gone back home. He text asking me to be on YM online. I guess he freaked out when he saw all my things were gone and I'm really out of his life. He started to console and persuade me to come back and expect me to be back home that night. I was so hurt and I told him that I will think about it. He asked why the need to think about it, and that I'm not thinking about the kids.

That night, I sent the kids back to house, but I'm not staying. His face changed as I didn't do like what he was expecting. So he chased me away again, together with the kids. The kids was crying seeing their father shouted furiously. He even told that he's going to burn the house together with the kids, if I'm not coming back. I was so angry that he involved the kids in the argument. And I'm trapped again. I don't have the heart to see my kids in that situation. They were crying and was so confused of what was happening. And so I give in, I told him that I'll be coming back later. I need to go back and take my things and will be back that night. There's no way out for me it seems. It's like seeing the only way out of painful life, but you just need to let go. That's the sacrifice I have made. I'm the sacrifice. I remember I told him ; I'll be home and everything will be fine then. And he was so happy about it. But it was the saddest and hopeless moment of my life for letting the once happiness I thought I will have.

So that night when I'm back, he hugged me and said that he would never let me go and how he loves me so much. But deep inside, the damage has been done. I'm back because of the kids and not because of him. My heart is dead for love because of him. It's dead. 

For a week, he started to be very nice to me. Send me messages telling how much he loves me and all. He didn't say bad things to me, so I felt relieved. But he did try to dig who's the person I'm out with. And the routine starts again and back to square one. The next few weeks, he started to say bad things again. The worst and not the first time, when he told the kids that they should not behave and follow like their mother, as she is a bad example. So that kind of life is still back to the same. There's no changed. He became more obsessed and control in all my whereabouts. He would stuck in front of the laptop goggling my name, hoping he would find any stories, pictures, video or anything that relates to me. Even a porn star that looks like me is me. He was disappointed because I no longer share with him my phone messages, chat or stories. I told him that I need some privacy in my life, and the only medium is my phone. So I begged that at least he could give that. So he obliged tho sometimes he would snatched my phone to read it.

Well, that's about it. My parents know about his 2 characters now and they were so sadden about my life. At first my mom was so reluctant when I told her that I'm going back to him, but there's nothing much she can do, but to pray for the best for me. There are times when I told her my head was so clouded with it and that I'm not happy with my life, she would scold me that it's not right to say that and asked me to think of the kids and stay on. She told me that I will get my fair share soon. I told her wasn't 8 years not long enough? I'm the one who's suffering and I'm the one who need to make the change instead of just waiting. She said if I'm single, I will be subjected to fitnah. I was so frustrated and confused when she said that. So, I don't feel I need to open up to her anymore. She just don't understand how I need to face my life everyday with emptiness. I guess it's all about other people except myself. Everything will just be fine, if I just pretend that things were all good. 

There's always times that I just want to get away from him, to go somewhere where I'm not with him. That's the only period when I no need to listen to him degrading me in front of the kids. Well not that I told him not to do so, but he kept saying that I need to be reminded who I am, cheap!

He said he was frustrated because he can't teach me to be a good wife. And I was like, huh? Did he ever tried? He made me a slut! That's what he wants me to be. I told him that since I was never a good wife, good mother and even a whore gets paid, I asked him to find a good wife that can take care of him and the kids. I don't mind. I just want to get out. Even all the world would know I'm a slut, but at least I have my own dignity. Then he said that he's too old for that, and worry that no one will take care of him and that he loves me so much. And I just kept quiet not seeing any light in my life anymore.

Really, I don't know where's my life is heading to. I'm so sick with it and I'm a sad person inside. The kids start to say bad things to me. Last time they used to call me FOC tho they don't know what it meant. Now  the lil one called me a bad mom and the brother shouted to me when he didn't get what he wants with no respect as his mother. It crushed me heart, only God knows to see the ones that you sacrifice your life for are turning against you. If only they knew what their mother had to go through so not to keep them apart. Life seems tumbling onto me.

I always forgive him, consoling my heart that I know who I am and I'm not like what he says. But I guess, when heart gets tainted and crushed badly, it grew weak and no longer can hold much further. I'm here surviving my life because of the kids. I do not see my life to get better. I do more damages to myself and I just don't care anymore. Nobody seems to care. I'm surrounded with men that only want to get their cock inside me. Love for men no longer exist. They are all the same fuckin shit. And I just play around with them, just like what I'm expected to be.


I'm giving myself few months from now, to see if fate will give me better life than this. Else, I'm filing a divorce. I need to be happy please.

subject and object

I figure, I need to update and keep reminding myself of what had happened. The thing is, in order to survive in this kind of life, you need to forget and let go all those hurtful feelings and act. No matter how smart I can be, I know I was abused and manipulated by him, but I just let it be. There's no other reason for letting it gets into me, except for my kids. I will take it as long as can I can't leave them with their father. I know he's a good father, but he is a sick man. And if he can do this to me, in desperation without an object and subject like me to fulfill his sexual needs, I'm afraid if he find his way out with the kids. And I cant let this to happen.

There's not a single moment that I haven't thought of leaving him. So many times especially when I was so hurt and emotional disoriented. With the way he treated me, in my heart and mind I no longer regard him as my husband. A husband should be loving you, lead you to be a better person, safeguarded from all the harm and not otherwise. And all these years all I got was degrading insults, ignorance and exposing me to sickening sexual activities. Love words were only whispered on the bed, when I have fulfilled his sexual satisfaction. Yes, last time I felt so appreciated and like goddess. Now, love has no meaning. It's like looking to a dark plain cement.

After all these years, he has turned me into a person that he wants. A slut. Not that I cannot be one, but after all the pressure and persistence and the person that I was made to believed to be, you succumb and rebel. It came to a point where things doesn't matter anymore and there's no point to hold on something that was long shattered.

He would tell my mom, how disobedient I am. And mom would babble about it. I just kept quiet to say anything. If only she knew, that he choose what dress or skirt or shirt or panties I should wear when go out with him. How I was told how I should sit and spread my legs in front of those guys, just because he likes to see their reactions getting hard on me.

Fuck after sometime playing along with it, you becomes really good at the game. He would tell me what to say in each chat with guys so that they will send me their pic of their dick. He would then save it in his email and will repeatedly review those pics. I vomit inside at first. I know it's not normal, but after a while, I'm used to it already. I'm living with a pervert, that's the fact.

He can be nice sometimes. But I always forgot that he always got his agenda to it. He need me, because I give in for him. He knows my weakness is the kids, and he always use that when we quarrel. He would take away the kids and not picking up the call. I was so so scared and at the end, I forgot about leaving. There was last time that I told him that I want to separate. He got pissed off, pick me up at the office and planned to go the Religious department to call it off.

I was so prepared and didn't tick off with his statement. I guess he was shocked with my reaction and changed his mind. Instead he was persuading and consoling me.

And I just I forget about it, thinking future of my kids.

And that's how I have changed. I have a husband which I don't really feel he is. My mind and heart has parted it so well, that I do not have any guilty feeling of it. In my mind, I am now leaving separately and I am there with him just to take care of the kids.

Well that's how it is now.

This is not love, it's morbidness

It's been awhile and that I hope things would have changed. But it didn't. But I did discover new thing. I'm not alone facing this morbidness. I read it somewhere and how that woman managed to escape for her better life. I did try many times, but I couldn't. First, he won't let me go as he would persuade and beg, secondly since I'm aware that this is a sickness, I'm just afraid something's bad will happen to the kids if I leave them with him. I'm willing to sacrifice for them. I only hope that the kids would be able to see me as their mother who love them so much, no matter how constant the father humiliated and insulted me. It will crush me if they buy it.

Even my lil daughter who is just 3 yo would say " hey mom, that's your friend right ?" pointing to an Indian stranger. Reason? Oh yeah, because the father would openly tell the kids that the Indian is mommy's friend, indicating that I've slept with Indian. And because Indian skin color are obviously dark, that poor lil kid would imply all Indians are mommy's friend.

Well, that's just part of it. It hurts so much to recall everything.

Here's something I wrote to remind me of this current state of feeling. Because I know, I will forget it later, to forget the bitterness in order to go on with this kind of life.

She is (*in his eyes)

There’s a darkness that I can’t contained
It’s an obsession nobody comprehend
An essence to my contemplation
A salvation to this damnation
I need her because she satisfies
I need her because she listens
Don’t she knows the pain beautifies her
Don’t she knows her blood tasted honey
And I wrap her for not to shiver
I groomed her
For something that is doomed
I prepare her
Till she has nothing to spare
I’m a savior to her filthy soul
Her filthy soul that completes me
Im sorry I know not what to worry
Im sorry for this manipulation was never meant to be
Im sorry to kill her soul slowly
For the lust that’s inside me
My love is great, my love still wait
Even thousands men makes her wet
I’m her savior to her filthy soul
The only filthy soul that completes me