Metamorphosis

Over years, I have changed extensively, not something that was self initiated but I guess it worked its own way to what's happening inside and make me to what I am today. Naturally, I am a shy person. A person who would take longer route to avoid a crowd of guys coz I don't like attention and teasing. I blushed easily, even till today and my reply would be.. biasala..virgin kannn..and I know my reply sometimes would give a hard on to boys around me, but I just like doing that. I'm bad I know. 

When I got married to a man that is more than 10 years older than me, all I want is only to be a good wife and mother, as simple as that.

He is a perfectionist, so early years of marriage was a struggle. I got pregnant immediately after we got married and at same time pursuing my study and working at same time. He was working out of town for few months and it was a depressing period for me. I nearly put off my study as he always argue that I didn't perform my duty as his wife and I got the perception as if he was not supporting it. I paid all the fees anyway. But once I determined to call it off, he stopped me. Not so much that he care I guess. Knowing him, I think he knew that it would be an issue if my parents got to know it. He is someone who's ego is above all. His reputation is everything. In the eyes of others, he must be perceived as someone that is noble, knowledgeable, religious and respectable. He wouldn't want to be seem as not supporting my personal development. Well, no doubt the graduation day was the most satisfying and proud moment for him and my mother, though only God knows what I had to go through for that and I'm still thankful for whatever support he had given me. I mean, I can understand that it was my personal goal and that probably all the stresses all about. 

Well it all started one night, when we were having sex. He started to ask about my ex boyfriend. He did asked me  few times before that, like what did I do when I hangout with him, how was the foreplay like? What did I wear? Where did I do it? And I was very annoyed with all the questions. I mean, I'm already married to him, and I don't even have any thoughts about my ex, why do I need to tell all that to him. It's not important and it just didn't make sense to me that time. So he told me that I no need to worry that he'll be angry about it, but by sharing all that, it showed that I was being opened and trusted him. I was so confused at that time to understand, what the hell was going on in his mind. I mean logically, what's past is past. You know the fact, then you move on. It doesn't make sense for you to ask in details of it. I don't even remember what had happened between me and my ex boyfriend. How could you be in new life and referring to old life that you regretted many part of it.? So when he asked that, I can easily avoid and say - I tak ingat! Malas lah!

But when you're having sex, there's no escape. The need to recall and fuck and tell stories about the sexual activities you had with another person, it was fuckin pressuring okay. I know that there's no knife at my neck to force me to tell, but I have high empathy (which is my major weaknesses) and as a wife you will succumb to his needs when you see how your husband desperately need to know all that in order to perform and reach his climax. And once he got it, it was like indescribable happy feeling and he would praised me and kissed me all over and say how much he loved me and thanked me for sharing and you can see fireworks all over. So as a wife, that's a moment where you feel yourself complete, that you have performed your duty at the very best and you feel contented. And who wouldn't want that ?

So that's how it got started. And once the session was over, in which I was still confused what the hell had happened? That he got high listening how I have sex with others? Apa my body tak best or my pepet tak cukup ketat to satisfy him ke? I totally couldn't comprehend. Well, it doesn't stop there, all the praises were gone when morning comes. On the way to office next morning, it will be a post-mortem session for me. He would recalled back all the things that I've said when we were having sex. He told me how stupid I was to let my ex boyfriend used me - do laundry, money and etc and ditched my like shit. That he just used me and in the end he married someone who is nicer than me bla bla bla. And that I'm so lucky someone like him would still want to marry a low life person like me.blablabla. And I got shocked with the way he put it. I still couldn't comprehend what happened last nite and then I need accept all those things he said the next morning ? I just kept in silence I don't know what to say. It was hurtful the first time but it was more hurtful now, coz you begin to acknowledge it.

And so life after that was getting worst and worst. Stories from one boyfriend to another and when I'm out of boyfriend it would be any TomDick&Harry who fucked me. The story of my ex boyfriend no longer excites him as it has the love element and more of a decent session..citer budak hingusan. All he needs is one hardcore pure fuckin session with details of it. It's ok for me to fuck with others as long as I don't have any feeling for them. My feeling should also be with him, coz he is my husband.

When things got exaggerated and continually reminded, post-mortem sessions get more extensive. As the story was no longer with my ex-boyfriend, that's where the slut, free of charge, cheaper that a whore curses came into picture. When I told him all that all the stories were untrue and only my creation, he got so pissed off. It's like I had broke his imaginary screen in his head, and he would said that I'm too ashamed to admit it coz it's all true. And he would assure that when we have the next sex session. And I succumbed and forever be a liar to satisfy him.

And that kind of sex session becomes a cycle. It gets more and more extreme that I couldn't take it. Sometimes I bleed and cry at same time. Most of the times it will be few hours session. I submit to what he asked me to do, because he was so excited about it and I don't want to let him down. And I was so looking forward for him to say how good I was after that.

And that was when, your mind starts to think of how to release the pain. You know it's painful but at same time you kinda like it. So your mind tells the body to enjoy it. During the fucking session, I started to imagine how I always want it to be. The person in the stories and how they would do me. And that's exactly what he taught me. He wanted me to think of fucking someone else and he even wanted me to scream other person's name out loud. And I remember that's when I got my 1st orgasm which make me cried like a baby and it freaked him out as to why I suddenly cried. At that point of time I myself got confused what the heck did I cried for..and then it came to my sense..OooOOooo..that's what they called orgasm ke..mm best! best!

And that changed me too. I learned the trick. The hell with all his curses, I need to be selfish too. So every time we had sex, it's like payback time and there's only 1 thing that I looked  forward to that is having a multiple fucking orgasm. So when the objective changed, your motivation also changed. My stories were getting more sizzled, and he enjoyed it and I got what I want. But the thing is, when stories got more extreme, he wanted to do exactly the same like what your mind has put in. Some of the stories I made was driven by him. He would want to listen not to 1 but at least 3 man to fucked me at one time, utilizing all fucking holes and all other equipment. So if I put that in his mind, he wanted that for real. Crazy gilebabi!! It freaked me out sometimes when there was few times he said that he had arranged someone to pick me up to for a fuck session at a private house. I gave him few reasons to avoid it like I'm having period, late meeting etc. He even assure me that all of them are clean and that it would be something that he wanted most - to watch someone else fuck me in front of him, to see how I would react and my face of ecstasy..boleh? And when I rejected the offer, he would expressed how disappointed he was..."buat dengan orang lain boleh!! Nak sedap sorang-sorang! Bila I nak tengok, join sama tak nak!" Then he would persuaded for me to find the person that I'm comfortable with to have sex but with condition for him to watch. And the persuasion carries on till today. Fuck!

So over years, I'm so used to all that already. I can say I'm addicted to being high on orgasm..adakah terminology sebegitu..and he loves me for that, that he bought me many kind of dildo and enjoyed watching me playing with myself. Sometimes I thought I don't even need a man to satisfy me. Man can't be giving me multiple orgasms for a long period. But lucky you man, I still need a hot blooded cock to thrust inside me and do the last piece closure. 

Tolong jangan stim okay :D

Well that's how I got transformed over years I guess. I do not seduce man because I'm not the kind yg gedik-manje-miang type, but men seemed to find me very seductive. Not that I have big boobs, I mean I wish, but they find me hot and sexy, muka stim, muka cfm. milf..etc. It is something that I've never experienced during my teenage years. Tapi sebab tok guru dah ajar, what kind of men there are in this world, so I know what they want. Layan je la..my mind reads them well..just like a man...so they know who they are dealing with. I leave them whenever I want. Well..that's what a bitch does anyway.

I pray to find my way out, so I can be a good person again

** listening to High - James Blunt 

Jadi patung sudah

I can't recall, but there was a day that we argued and I text him to say that I want separation. I guess through out time, I learned that just say what I want. I can no longer hold it. I'm not scared and I don't give a shit.

I don't know why, he said he wanted to make a confession, something that he's been hiding from me. And that he has been seeing his old girlfriend. I think she's about his age.. 40 plus, doing well but not married. And that he wanted to marry her coz she's nice and all.

And to my surprise, it didn't ticked me at all. I just thought, hell yeah! that's my key to freedom. I used to tell him that since I'm never a good wife, mother or even as a women, I ask him to find one that can take care of him the way he wants. And when he told me that, I was calm and told him that he can marry her, with condition that he needs to let me go. He argued that she will not be a burden as she is independent, has her own house, car and financially stable. Well, I insisted that that's the deal. I even asked him to make plan on how things should be. Kids arrangement and all. After awhile he told me that, he don't think he can marry her, as she's about his age and probably could not take care of him if he gets sick. Arghh..typical selfish person he is. And the best part is, he told me he didn't think he can find anyone who can serve him they way I did for sex. Arghh again!! What a fucker! I guess the way out is probably to not be good in bed!! Mengangkang je keje..sapa tak nak! Wtf!!

Happy New Year

It's a new year and we always ask the same questions. What have you achieved ? Does life treats you better? Well I could say my career indeed gets better. So it's a fair life for me I guess. What more could I ask? Being good in career gave me certain level of controlling power. And he knows that. I can be on my own anytime I want. I guess that's what holding him to not let me go. I help the family economy though he seldom acknowledge it. But after all these years, I never did expect that anyway. I did it for my kids. It makes me feel happy to be able to buy them things that they want and take them out with my own money. They are happy for sure. And what he did best is to make a long list of what his financial commitments and how I didn't contribute any to the welfare of the family. So I never did ask any money from him unless if I'm really really desperate. Though it feels like begging but I don't care. Same goes if I'm sick, in which I seldom fall sick, I would struggle to take care of myself so I can recover as fast as I could. He probably think I'm a superwomen or something, so falling sick is something that he's not used to deal with, especially not with me. Not that he doesn't help me at all. He did manage the kids and buy me food and they all would sleep in another room so that I would not get them sick. Well it makes sense I guess, to be leaving me sick and alone in bed. Usually I try not to tell him if I'm sick, as he would just say that I'm lazy, or I have a lot of sins and that's my repayment to all those bad things I did. Well, I'm too sick to argue anyways so I just kept quite and see doc myself. 

It's quite saddening, but there's no one to feel sorry about anyway except myself. So I'm too devastated to ask him to send me to doc, ended up driving with my neck spasm to office like this morning and went to see docs for some medications. The thought of how I have helped him when he got warded from one hospitals to another, commuting day and nights even when I'm pregnant, taking care of him to as little as massaging his back, it just makes me realize how easy I am to be forgotten, once he's fit. Not that I'm counting things I did to him coz I did it with sincerity. It's just that, whenever I ask for a favor he would listed out all his sickness and that he's also sick etc so it's not fair for me to ask for a rub. Same goes like money, he would list out all his commitments before he would even spare his money. How does that suppose to make me feel. That I'm a  burden to him ? So I ended up not asking him any money or help if I'm broke or sick. It's just so sad. I cried in pain, looking for meds last nite. Well served me right I guess!

Not that I didn't try to be happy and I find that with my kids. And with him, every time I try to build back the passionate feeling, he still insults me. But what can that do to a dead heart. I just ignore and move on. I guess that makes him feel superior that he got to say anything he wants and I just let it be.

But there's always a concern of how he sometimes brainwash the kids with nasty word about me, like asking them who is the most nastiest person ? Where the answer would be me. Or when I pray, he would start to mock to say that its good that I have repented all my sins. And sometimes starting to put down the kids and comparing that they are not good enough - don't be like your mother kinda thing. It's good that my small daughter would cry and fight back to deny what he said. It's human nature that when you're in in pain - physically or emotionally, you fight back. What more as a kid, they are as pure and straight to just say whatever they think. But I'm afraid if it's continued, they will all turn like me - used to the degradation and dead inside. I promise, I will fight for them in any space I can, whenever he said bad things about them. Unfortunately, I started to see that in my eldest daughter. She became more passive and sometime would said how she hates her father. I know she keeps all her frustration inside. I will try to be close as possible to her. I'm so sorry for all the things that she had to go through. I know it's a very tough life for her at the moment. And I pray that God would give her the strength to go through her life at the very best. Not to end up like her mother with this pathetic partnership wtf!

Coming back to new year, I guess my resolution is to focus on my kids. I find men are filthy creatures - manipulator and will do anything to get what they want. It's all just a game, because they like the thrill in the game, details of it. Lately I tend to be very quiet. I don't like going anywhere and prefer to just stay at home. Also I will try to ignore his crazy demands and I try not to give a fuck about it and save money for any emergency plan. I would not know what my marriage fate would be, but I pray for the best life for all of us, even if that means not being together. 


Happy New Year.
   

every rain flow into drain

He's been quite nice to me lately, I mean since the incident that I ran away from home. Sending me texts saying that he loves me and all. But the thing is, I felt so suffocated with all his acts. Even before that, he checked on me like every hours, what panties I'm wearing, whether I got any bruises or scratch marks on my body, and now it is much more tighter. I can't even take time off to see my parents, and the moment he knew about it, he will ask if we can have fun together. If he knew I went out with my girlfriends he will feel sidelined. As if he only want my life to be all about him and no one else.

My head is so messed up, still I obliged to his needs and wants. I just don't know what else can I do. I know he's trying hard because he can feel that I no longer have the love for him and that's why he's trying to gain that back. There's one night when we were lying on bed, he asked me if I love him, I didn't reply. I couldn't make my mouth utter anything. My heart is dead and confused of what kind of love he's implying to and I just don't know what to say. I felt pity for him, so I said that I do love him, though it was all an emptiness. He would then hugged me from behind and kiss me like there's no tomorrow and he would satisfy my sexual needs the way I always wanted. 

Making sex is the only time that I can be selfish. I do what I want and I dictate how I want it to be. It has always been multiple orgasms that i looked forward to, every time I have sex. There's always a mixture of a hard cold plastic cock and hot blooded cock to satisfy me. After years now, the feeling of orgasms can put me really high. And that's the only pleasure I'm giving myself. I'm such a good fucker! He loves and would go crazy just watching my cum oozing out from my vagina. And my body would shivers with euphoria. Its like in nirvana, really. Oh fuckk! I'm so fucking horny right now! And the one that suppose to make me happy, been bz lately. Well I guess they all are weird but predictable species. And the only thing worth the wait is only the surprise in their pants. Other than that, they are all the same!

I deactivated my fb account today as I see no reason to have one anymore since he no longer find me exciting. I've taken so much of his time, I guess it will do him good when I'm no longer around. I'm a bad apple, I rot everything's around me. He's a nice person and I'm just not.

Life after October

It's been awhile. Many things happened in my life since last October. He chased me out of the house again. Last time when he said that, I would breakdown in silence and begged for forgiveness, even though I know it was not entirely my fault. To make it easier, he was always right and I would gave in. 


But that moment I had enough. He said things that was so hurtful and I just can't forgive him for saying it. The reason for him to be furious was always the same. I didn't tell him who's the person I'm going out with. Reason being, I had enough of feeling being used, to have to tell him details of what I did with that person to excites him and feel like vomiting every time I did that. Sometimes the stories were just my creation as he provoked me to tell him things that he wanted to listen. Things that I never did. After years of provocation, I felt so used and useless for nothing but just to sexually satisfy him and I'm the one who's getting sick of it. There were times, that I told myself, well what the hell! If this is what he wants me to be, then so be it. I'll be the slut he always said I am. I don't care myself anymore and what for. The one that suppose to care, respect and protect me are the one who degrade me, put me in a situation that I can't comprehend.


So that night, he asked, I didn't tell. I need a trigger point to get out and I'm sorry I made that person one. He knew nothing about it, we just met for a drink. He was nice, he even bought me an Actifast and open the bottle cap for me. I do wish if only he could be my husband, but of course I'm not going to wreck someone's marriage for my own thought of happiness. I'm so used to sacrifice everything I had, being with someone who looks at you with admiration and opened cap of a drink bottle content me enough. I think among all the men I met who just want to fuck me, he's someone special to me. I know coz I can feel it, tho I don't know the hell was that feeling. They probably the same fuckers, just different style, I don't know. It's hard to believe that men do good to you sincerely without having thoughts of fucking you in the end. But he is an exception, I mean I want to think him that way, so I'm keeping him entirely for myself. Not even a single person will know who he is. Not yet.

That night, he didn't even let me to go back to the house to pack up my things and instead asked my brother to pack. If he came back and see my things in the house, he would dumped it in the garbage. But then I still strong myself to go back and emptied the wardrobe, shoes and documents. It saddened me so much, the night I walked out of the house for my kids and the memories. But I have no regret at all, as my heart was so crushed and I'm foreseeing a happy life ahead. I know I deserve it after all those years of mental and emotionally suffered. I just need to get out of that mess.

The next day, he came to my mom's house bringing the kids. Didn't say much, spend few hours and then gone back home. He text asking me to be on YM online. I guess he freaked out when he saw all my things were gone and I'm really out of his life. He started to console and persuade me to come back and expect me to be back home that night. I was so hurt and I told him that I will think about it. He asked why the need to think about it, and that I'm not thinking about the kids.

That night, I sent the kids back to house, but I'm not staying. His face changed as I didn't do like what he was expecting. So he chased me away again, together with the kids. The kids was crying seeing their father shouted furiously. He even told that he's going to burn the house together with the kids, if I'm not coming back. I was so angry that he involved the kids in the argument. And I'm trapped again. I don't have the heart to see my kids in that situation. They were crying and was so confused of what was happening. And so I give in, I told him that I'll be coming back later. I need to go back and take my things and will be back that night. There's no way out for me it seems. It's like seeing the only way out of painful life, but you just need to let go. That's the sacrifice I have made. I'm the sacrifice. I remember I told him ; I'll be home and everything will be fine then. And he was so happy about it. But it was the saddest and hopeless moment of my life for letting the once happiness I thought I will have.

So that night when I'm back, he hugged me and said that he would never let me go and how he loves me so much. But deep inside, the damage has been done. I'm back because of the kids and not because of him. My heart is dead for love because of him. It's dead. 

For a week, he started to be very nice to me. Send me messages telling how much he loves me and all. He didn't say bad things to me, so I felt relieved. But he did try to dig who's the person I'm out with. And the routine starts again and back to square one. The next few weeks, he started to say bad things again. The worst and not the first time, when he told the kids that they should not behave and follow like their mother, as she is a bad example. So that kind of life is still back to the same. There's no changed. He became more obsessed and control in all my whereabouts. He would stuck in front of the laptop goggling my name, hoping he would find any stories, pictures, video or anything that relates to me. Even a porn star that looks like me is me. He was disappointed because I no longer share with him my phone messages, chat or stories. I told him that I need some privacy in my life, and the only medium is my phone. So I begged that at least he could give that. So he obliged tho sometimes he would snatched my phone to read it.

Well, that's about it. My parents know about his 2 characters now and they were so sadden about my life. At first my mom was so reluctant when I told her that I'm going back to him, but there's nothing much she can do, but to pray for the best for me. There are times when I told her my head was so clouded with it and that I'm not happy with my life, she would scold me that it's not right to say that and asked me to think of the kids and stay on. She told me that I will get my fair share soon. I told her wasn't 8 years not long enough? I'm the one who's suffering and I'm the one who need to make the change instead of just waiting. She said if I'm single, I will be subjected to fitnah. I was so frustrated and confused when she said that. So, I don't feel I need to open up to her anymore. She just don't understand how I need to face my life everyday with emptiness. I guess it's all about other people except myself. Everything will just be fine, if I just pretend that things were all good. 

There's always times that I just want to get away from him, to go somewhere where I'm not with him. That's the only period when I no need to listen to him degrading me in front of the kids. Well not that I told him not to do so, but he kept saying that I need to be reminded who I am, cheap!

He said he was frustrated because he can't teach me to be a good wife. And I was like, huh? Did he ever tried? He made me a slut! That's what he wants me to be. I told him that since I was never a good wife, good mother and even a whore gets paid, I asked him to find a good wife that can take care of him and the kids. I don't mind. I just want to get out. Even all the world would know I'm a slut, but at least I have my own dignity. Then he said that he's too old for that, and worry that no one will take care of him and that he loves me so much. And I just kept quiet not seeing any light in my life anymore.

Really, I don't know where's my life is heading to. I'm so sick with it and I'm a sad person inside. The kids start to say bad things to me. Last time they used to call me FOC tho they don't know what it meant. Now  the lil one called me a bad mom and the brother shouted to me when he didn't get what he wants with no respect as his mother. It crushed me heart, only God knows to see the ones that you sacrifice your life for are turning against you. If only they knew what their mother had to go through so not to keep them apart. Life seems tumbling onto me.

I always forgive him, consoling my heart that I know who I am and I'm not like what he says. But I guess, when heart gets tainted and crushed badly, it grew weak and no longer can hold much further. I'm here surviving my life because of the kids. I do not see my life to get better. I do more damages to myself and I just don't care anymore. Nobody seems to care. I'm surrounded with men that only want to get their cock inside me. Love for men no longer exist. They are all the same fuckin shit. And I just play around with them, just like what I'm expected to be.


I'm giving myself few months from now, to see if fate will give me better life than this. Else, I'm filing a divorce. I need to be happy please.