I figure, I need to update and keep reminding myself of what had happened. The thing is, in order to survive in this kind of life, you need to forget and let go all those hurtful feelings and act. No matter how smart I can be, I know I was abused and manipulated by him, but I just let it be. There's no other reason for letting it gets into me, except for my kids. I will take it as long as can I can't leave them with their father. I know he's a good father, but he is a sick man. And if he can do this to me, in desperation without an object and subject like me to fulfill his sexual needs, I'm afraid if he find his way out with the kids. And I cant let this to happen.
There's not a single moment that I haven't thought of leaving him. So many times especially when I was so hurt and emotional disoriented. With the way he treated me, in my heart and mind I no longer regard him as my husband. A husband should be loving you, lead you to be a better person, safeguarded from all the harm and not otherwise. And all these years all I got was degrading insults, ignorance and exposing me to sickening sexual activities. Love words were only whispered on the bed, when I have fulfilled his sexual satisfaction. Yes, last time I felt so appreciated and like goddess. Now, love has no meaning. It's like looking to a dark plain cement.
After all these years, he has turned me into a person that he wants. A slut. Not that I cannot be one, but after all the pressure and persistence and the person that I was made to believed to be, you succumb and rebel. It came to a point where things doesn't matter anymore and there's no point to hold on something that was long shattered.
He would tell my mom, how disobedient I am. And mom would babble about it. I just kept quiet to say anything. If only she knew, that he choose what dress or skirt or shirt or panties I should wear when go out with him. How I was told how I should sit and spread my legs in front of those guys, just because he likes to see their reactions getting hard on me.
Fuck after sometime playing along with it, you becomes really good at the game. He would tell me what to say in each chat with guys so that they will send me their pic of their dick. He would then save it in his email and will repeatedly review those pics. I vomit inside at first. I know it's not normal, but after a while, I'm used to it already. I'm living with a pervert, that's the fact.
He can be nice sometimes. But I always forgot that he always got his agenda to it. He need me, because I give in for him. He knows my weakness is the kids, and he always use that when we quarrel. He would take away the kids and not picking up the call. I was so so scared and at the end, I forgot about leaving. There was last time that I told him that I want to separate. He got pissed off, pick me up at the office and planned to go the Religious department to call it off.
I was so prepared and didn't tick off with his statement. I guess he was shocked with my reaction and changed his mind. Instead he was persuading and consoling me.
And I just I forget about it, thinking future of my kids.
And that's how I have changed. I have a husband which I don't really feel he is. My mind and heart has parted it so well, that I do not have any guilty feeling of it. In my mind, I am now leaving separately and I am there with him just to take care of the kids.
Well that's how it is now.
There's not a single moment that I haven't thought of leaving him. So many times especially when I was so hurt and emotional disoriented. With the way he treated me, in my heart and mind I no longer regard him as my husband. A husband should be loving you, lead you to be a better person, safeguarded from all the harm and not otherwise. And all these years all I got was degrading insults, ignorance and exposing me to sickening sexual activities. Love words were only whispered on the bed, when I have fulfilled his sexual satisfaction. Yes, last time I felt so appreciated and like goddess. Now, love has no meaning. It's like looking to a dark plain cement.
After all these years, he has turned me into a person that he wants. A slut. Not that I cannot be one, but after all the pressure and persistence and the person that I was made to believed to be, you succumb and rebel. It came to a point where things doesn't matter anymore and there's no point to hold on something that was long shattered.
He would tell my mom, how disobedient I am. And mom would babble about it. I just kept quiet to say anything. If only she knew, that he choose what dress or skirt or shirt or panties I should wear when go out with him. How I was told how I should sit and spread my legs in front of those guys, just because he likes to see their reactions getting hard on me.
Fuck after sometime playing along with it, you becomes really good at the game. He would tell me what to say in each chat with guys so that they will send me their pic of their dick. He would then save it in his email and will repeatedly review those pics. I vomit inside at first. I know it's not normal, but after a while, I'm used to it already. I'm living with a pervert, that's the fact.
He can be nice sometimes. But I always forgot that he always got his agenda to it. He need me, because I give in for him. He knows my weakness is the kids, and he always use that when we quarrel. He would take away the kids and not picking up the call. I was so so scared and at the end, I forgot about leaving. There was last time that I told him that I want to separate. He got pissed off, pick me up at the office and planned to go the Religious department to call it off.
I was so prepared and didn't tick off with his statement. I guess he was shocked with my reaction and changed his mind. Instead he was persuading and consoling me.
And I just I forget about it, thinking future of my kids.
And that's how I have changed. I have a husband which I don't really feel he is. My mind and heart has parted it so well, that I do not have any guilty feeling of it. In my mind, I am now leaving separately and I am there with him just to take care of the kids.
Well that's how it is now.
