I think I'm gonna write again.
I just need a place to emotionally puke off. Seems that other means are not working. People need me more than I need them. Well I'm totally fine with that but eventually they want to be pampered and expect more and more without considering my feelings. Just because I'm listening to their troubles and despair, am I expected to be numb to my own feelings? They make it as if it's a supply and demand trade, what I give I wanna get more perspective.
When I told them how I feel, they didn't seem to get the cue. Then I understand that they don't know me or even bother to understand me. Everyone seems to react like a child. If they don't get what they want or be heard, they sulk as if I'm to blame. Again and again I felt crushed and alone.
Well I want to be alone and wish I can shout to everyone to just leave me alone!
Sometimes I wonder why do they come into my life and hurt me. There were good times but when things fall apart, you know it was never true love or soulmates or even anyone that cares for you. Not your parents or siblings or your kids or any lover. You are all bt yourself. It's all a delusion of life. You know, it's really sad when you're all alone and sick and need to crawl to the bathroom because you head spinned badly, and no one was there to help you sit on the toilet seat and the next day you tell the world that everything was good just not to make anyone feel bad or concern about you. Yet all they talked is about themselves and for me to listen to everything. I'm a good listener I know but that's just about it. Listen. Sometimes I did lowered my ego asking for help or validation, but they were ignored. I guess it's not important to them though it's very much to me. So I will not ask anymore. What's the point. It's already a clear validation. I'm not important and I was and never will be a reason to anyone's life.
Right now, I just feel like shutting down or runaway from everyone that I know. I just want to be alone. My kids blame me and everyone else's too. I can give all my love but I know now that I'm not good enough to be loved because all those people that I love have trouble to testify that.
Just leave me alone. I had enough of hurts.
