11th day

Since this Ramadhan month, he is being nice to me, in which he himself admit it - I tak tau apa you bagi I makan..but I feel that I love you so much..asik ingat petpet you je..and I nak main dengan you every nite. Dulu tengok you pon I menyampah..he said.

So I asked him..kasik makan apa nyer? Makan pon beli je.. so I told him. If he meant makan kotor or things to charm him..giler ke hapa?? Syirik tu siotss and tak pernah terlintas pon nak buat kat makhluk donia ni apatah lagi suami sendiri?? Ishh!!

So you sayang I tak? I rasa macam I nak mati je..dada I asik sakit lately.

Terlalu banyak belas ihsan di hati ini, so I told him, sayang la..sikit..I'm trying to love you.

He said..takpela..at least ada la sikit sayang you..dari tak de langsung.

Ahaii..sedih la pulak.

So malam ni nak main tak? He asked. Standard.

Tanak la..bulan pose ni main weekend only..weekdays cuti. You simpan dulu kay.

I tengok you pon nak pancut..cina-cino tu lagi la mengelupur tengok you. So he kissed me on my forehead, my back, caressing my butt and breast..antara cubaan-cubaan berani. Standard.

I'm too tired beb! Karang pukul 4 nak bangun sahur pulak, siap makan sumer. So wa tertido dalam kerabaan iteww..

Tapi kan..rasanya memang la..bulan puasa ni..orang laki..tahan lapar dahaga takde hal sangat..tapi yang agak mencabar tu..tahan nafsu mata..not sure if there's scientific explaination behind it..or maybe sebenarnya nafsu mata tu dah standard..cuma billa bulan puasa tu kena kekang and there's no source to release it..tu yang merapu tak pasal..kira macam  withdrawal syndrom la ni.

Few of the male mates came and mengadu.. in which I keep on reminding them..pose la weihh!!! Sila bawak bersabar sket boley. Tengok awek cina kurus terusik, tengok pompuan pakai top lace terusik..tu tak kira lagi cabaran-cabaran aweks kat pasar ramadhan yang pakai sexy mexy dan boing boing..musim panas kan.. Oh! Begitu lemah juga ye orang laki nih! Hiks!

Like I've always told my son.."Abang, orang lelaki ni ada 2 kekuatan..satu luaran satu lagi dalaman..yang luar tu..semua orang boleh ada..abang nak nampak taf and tangan ketak-ketak.. abang boleh exersize..tapi kuat kat dalam ni..tak semua orang ada..which is the strongest of all strength..it is the essence that makes the heart beat! So..kalau abang tak puasa..maknanya abang belum cukup kuat lagi!..sebab abang belum boleh tahan lapar abang!

*Belum abis potpet..dah cabut lari dah budak ni..biasa la span of concentration tu pendek sangat.

But he was so impressed dengan skill mak dia aritu..which I'm not supposed to demonstrate it infront of him. He was persuading me to buy mercun and bunga api and a day before his dad bought him few. He had his own pocket money and he's spending it on mercun..haihh. So I was accompanying him buying those mercun at bazar ramadan from same bunch of kids seller, about his age probably. He was taking his own sweet time choosing and that kids were also were quite slow in calculating for some other buyers. Some pokcik were making noise coz they were slow. And I just felt that the mercun sold was rather expensive, so I asked that boy to give me some extra because I was here yesterday.

Boss..boleh la kasik extra sikit..and the boy was so excited that I asked him with smile and in my big sunglasses. So he gave my son few extra. My son was so excited that he went back and told his dad and the neighbour about it. How mummy used her wink-wink to get extra mercun. Haihhh!! Bahaya nih!

Anyways, tis year baju raya tak beli lagi. Tak kisah sebenarnya sebab banyak baju kurung  tak pakai sangat, so can be recycled. Last weekend, I've spent almost thousand for my kids clothes. Terkezutt sekejap tapi takpe la memang dah dalam budget. And this month is the month where I take opportunity to do good deeds to parents. Ada duit extra tu..kena share la untuk mendapat keberkatan mereka. I always believe that I still have path to walk through is because of their doa for me. And I know I need to be good mother and pray for the good well being of my kids too, so their life would be better than me.

That's all for now..jangan notty-notty (*self note)

bloody me

It's been a while, yes I know. Well actually, there supposed to be some post last two weeks, but then something happened to me, so it won't be appropriate anymore to publish it, so it will be in draft mode at the moment. 

Sempena kita semua pon sedang menyambut Ramadan al Mubarak ni..rasanya wajarlah untuk kita hormat dan menggunakan sebaik-baik keberkatan yang ada dalam bulan ini. And in that post, seperti biasa la..contained mostly words that could trigger man's imagination to run wild..and so does the hand.. so tanak lah kannn..

Jadi, dalam post ini, saya akan cuba lah untuk tidak berkata-kata lucah agar terpelihara puasa saya dan juga saudara/saudari (ada ke pompuan baca blog nih?). Else fasting is nothing less than just a diet..kan?

Today, I just came back working after going on medical leave for a week. So what happened was that I had a head injury which basically ended up with some 4 stitches on the back of the head and maybe some slight concussion. Blood almost drenched my shirt but luckily there were ice to stop more from flowing.

I was admitted to hospital for 2 days coz my head spin really bad -  I see things around me moves and spin and I have to close my eyes to stop it. And it didn't work coz even though my eyes were shut, I can still feel as if things were moving around me. The spinning was quite bad, so I felt nausea and vomited few times. Alhamdulillah, CT brain scan was all good. So I was given jap to stop the vomiting and lepak la kat spital tu. I didn't managed to bring back my laptop, coz it was in the office. Else, leh la nak blog sepatah dua. Nasib baik la ada gak henpon..leh la surfing, fesbuk (my kid's account ye) and layan twitter. 

He was nice to me. He bathe me and shampooed my hair that was dried with blood. The smell of blood flowing down from my body somehow gave me saddening feeling. It was smell of tragedy, a death.

The moment I had that injury, he was telling me that I've made lots of sins and it was to remind me and to cleanse my sins bla bla bla. Dok bebel la pasal my mistakes, sins and all sort of preach about repayment for being bad woman. Well I'm ok if you wanna remind me of all that, which is the truth anyway, but takyah la do it while I'm still holding my pain on the ER bed. Nak tahan sakit lagi, nak dengar kata-kata yang menyakitkan lagi. Like hellooo...at least I got reminded..means God still have mercy on me..and you? Tu belum lagi masuk my mom yang datang and kasik almost the same ceramah. I know they all meant well, but hello boleh tak buat masa lain?

That incident really struck me. Yes I do admit it was sort of a reminder and I'm thankful for being reminded. And being an optimist, I do also believe there's always hikmah besides it. Jadi genius ke maybe...but that just leave it to me to know. Ngehngehngeh.

Btw, lupa pulak nak citer how I got that head injury. I had futsal game and cheering competition. So nak kelentong cakap head injury coming from futsal memang tak logic sebab the cut was behind of the head. Lagipun padang futsal mana leh luka, unles u slide kaw kaw kann..

So ekcerli, the cut was due to salah budget buat somersault okeh. Wa mmg takde hal buat somersault ni sebab wa memang stok-stok gymnasts. The first flip was perfect..then came the back flip..which was the point where my brain and hands got disconnected. When I was flipping high, the brain didn't send any signal to hands on what to do next. That was the moment where the memory went blank or black. I can feel like flying though, until kedebuk jatuh ke atas simen macam nangka busuk. I didn't feel a thing, maybe a bit numb so I stood up and walk until my friend shouted panicky that there was blood oozing out from my head. Hakak rilek je memula..until I saw the panic face on every one coz the blood was a lot. They put on ice and took me to the nearest hospital. Tak caya ke hakak buat sommersault ? Hahahaha..tu blom lagi tindakan-tindakan akrobat tegar..memasukkan...oppss..dah dah..pose ni beb!

So that's the story la..in another 2 days need to see doc again to pull off those stictches plak..aduss macam nyilu je pepet makk..ishh!!

 

saki baki darah..ni sikit je nih

kepala kena shave sket..huhu

Anyways...Marissa ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Ramadan al-Mubarak ni. Semoga kita menggunakan sebaik-baik kemulian bulan ini untuk mendapat rahmat dan keberkatan dari Allah swt...Wassalam :)

runaway

I came back quite late last few days due to hectic work, so I didn't manage to pick up my daughter from her babysitter. So on my way back I bought food for dinner. Once reached home, I would prepare dinner for him and the kids..semua dah lapar. So while they were eating I took bath and once done I would clean up the table and was about to have mine when adik was nagging for my attention, asking me to sit with her and do coloring. So I entertained her coz I don't want her to cry. While coloring (perut lapar siott), abang pulak was nagging about his shoes yang dah koyak and that he needed it for his sukan and asked me to buy new pair. Not that he don't have another pair, but he was saying that that shoe's zap was no good and not suitable for running. So I told him to wait and tomorrow I will buy one since the sukan was on Saturday. And he kept on pushing telling that Friday will be the practice. And at same time my daughter who is only 4yo told me that she wanted to cuti, coz there will be no teacher on Friday. I was so tense having nak melayan them while I was so hungry and I scolded my daughter to not ever lie and say that she's not going to school. So she cried and at same time Abang started to sulk as I told him I'm not gonna buy him shoes that night.

An because I was so tired and tense and hungry and when he told me to quickly buy the shoes before shop closed. I was trying to pujuk my dotter and my son. So I asked him  - boleh tak u tolong beli kasut abang sekejap...adik ni nangis and I tak makan lagi ni..and for the record I didn't raise voice okeh..suara lebih kurang cam MayaKarin dalam Ombakwindu tuh hikss..

He was lying on bed and watching tv when suddenly he scolded me telling me that I was so inconsiderate because he was tired from work, having headache and how useless I was etc tak hengat la hakak... I told him I will buy later as I need to sleep adik first and afraid if the shoe shop was going to close. He was very angry saying bad things to me which I can't recall or perhaps don't want to recall. He suddenly got up from bed and started to take his clothes in the wardrobe and saying that he's going somewhere to sleep.. and I was like screaming yayy!! So he went out carrying his clothes. My son who watched that scene has a blank face expression. He looked sad. I was like so geram okay..aikk soh beli kasut sakit..tapi bila marah nak kuar boleh pulak..haihh..

I don't care really, I just continue sleeping my little princess while she's drinking her milk and menggentel me tits..muahaha..and I was thinking and planning..like fuck till when I'm gonna feel so guilty about everything, like I'm good for nothing. I told myself, that's it lah! I'm wanna be out from this kinda life. About half hour later, he's back. Aiseyyy man.. And by that time, lil princess already slept. And I told abang that we can go and buy shoes. He sounded as if he wanted to cry, but he's a son who's very sensitive of how I feel. So he kissed me on the cheek and said 'thank you mommy'.

So I drove that night cari kedai Bata. Luckily kedai tak tutup lagi. He choose the shoes he wanted and I paid for it. And I even bought the socks. He was so happy.

So the next day, once he's off to work, I packed my things and my lil princess. I send her to school and go to office as usual. I do not want to create tense to my kids. So in the evening, I text him saying that I'm going to stay at my mom's house. He asked why and I told him I don't think I can live with him any longer.

He immediately called me. "you kalau nak keluar dengan jantan u cakap je la..no need to give this kind of excuse.u nak I lafaz sekarang ke I boleh..u ingat I dayus ke?? u nak berambus pegi la..u ingat I gila sangat kat puki u tu..

I just kept quite..takde perasaan.. sedih ada la skit kot..dah biasa dah..and he off his phone.

So I went off to mom's house. My daughter was there already coz I picked her up after school and sent there. During the journey he kept on texting saying that he already told my mom how bad I've been like fucking around with guys and came back home late and he will be showing all the stories I wrote to him as evidence. Hah! I was like..how stupid of him. Those stories were his not mine. And my parents knew about it. I told him to just leave me, if I am no good. I want my happiness and he find his.

He said will be going to my mom's house and bring the kids and tell everything. I asked him why he needs to drag the kids into this. He said so that the kids know what's happening if we were to split. I told him that should be later. I don't want them to feel depressed from our argument. I know the reason why he wanted to bring the kids were as his weapon to persuade me and to also let them see how bad their mother is. How could he.

And mom called asking if I was having a fight. And I was so pening okay. I told her that I'm staying there and will be there shortly.

Later at night he came with my son asking my brother, mom and dad to be around coz he wanted to finalize and make decision on our marriage, he said. I was bz preparing milk for my daughter coz she wanted to sleep. And dad was still not back from surau. So he said he's going back and will come again tomorrow.

After a while my dad came back. So I told both of them that I wanted to file for a divorce. And from the process it looks easy and fast. Then my mon said - tak baik macam tu..tak kesian kat anak-anak ke? I told her that sebab kesian kat anak-anak la..I'm staying for so long. How much longer I need to stay ? Sapa nak kesian kat Marissa ? Mom said that she will bring both of us for counseling. I asked my mom. Counseling apa? Do you think counselor tu ada solution to this? Gosh! I just lost hope. And dad just kept quite. I was too tired mentally, so I just went to sleep. Sedih pon ada la..I felt so useless knowing that, after all these ordeal, even my mom can't see what I had to go through.

So the next day, it was abang's sukan day, so I went to his school to give support and after that I went back home to pick up my daughter's dress as there was a birthday party at my mom's house later. So I let my princess play with her toys while I took a nap in abang's room. While the kids were playing, he came into the room and started hugging and kissing me, asking me not to leave him. He said he loves me so much bla..bla bla..He then pulled down my jeans and open my shirt and start thrusting his cock inside me. I was like fuck la..what was he doing..after all these months he didn't get inside me coz I'm dirty-go-have-fuck-with-other-men, he fucked me hard. I was trying to push him coz I'm not ready to have sex. And he just love it when I'm struggling and pushing him, coz he said so. Technically, when you resist, opening kurang ye..so paham-paham ler..after months cikpap intact plus no opening memang le ketat..but it was painful for me and he said he's going to cum inside me. I told him no way!! I was so pissed that he's using that tactics to keep me. Once he's done I cleaned up and terus blah..back to mom's house. He said he will come later in the evening. I was feeling so fucked up okay driving back home lepas kena rogol.

He came and was being so nice to my nieces and brothers, having conversation like civilized person. And at end of the day, I packed my things and prepare to go back to him. My sister asked me dengan muka terkejut.. you going back to him ? I told her yes. She asked why and I told her where else can I go. It doesn't make any difference if I stay at mom's place, coz she won't be helping anyways. And I still have houses chores waiting for me to cleanup. I told her, if it's going to be another runaway, I won't be running back to mom's house. Sad

So I drove back home, feeling helpless. He said he will try to change and control his temper. Yeah I can see he is trying, though sometimes he forgot. He did belittle and insult me sometimes, but I was giving him another chance to fix it, again.

The thing is, I'm just too hurt, even if he tried and became good husband I'm not sure if I can love him, the way all wife should be loving their husband. Seriously, itu love sudah lama tiada..but of coz..responsibility they said..to make them happy. Some even said..tak love apa nya..anak dah 2-3 orang. Stupid asshole!! Ko ingat dalam lubang tu ada love button ke?? Sekali kena inject terus berbunga cinta. Bodoh!!

So, cam tulah ye.. back to normal. Hoping things get better. Mungkin jodoh ni masih panjang, and this test is an advance level..ntah la..banyak sangat alasan I'm using to pujuk hati sendiri.

Puasa is coming and I just can't wait for it to cleanse my dirty soul.

Kita layan lagu Runaway Train - Soul Asylum okeh!