Hospital day

My dad is having his bypass operation this morning. Last Saturday and Sunday, my brother, mom and myself spent half a day scouting for big pharmacies around town to buy some medical stuff for the operation preparation. We have one Indian lady who tag along with us to find same items for her husband's operation too. She's from Perak and has no one to help her to source for it. Kesian dia.

We got the list on Friday evening and it's so ridiculous that we also need to decipher the doctor's handwriting and the pressure when 1 item was nowhere to found in any pharmacies. All major pharmacies like in hospitals and IJN operated only during working hours and not on weekend. My daughter asked me why do we need to buy those items, which is quite basic and why the hospital not providing them? That's when my stress and tiredness seeped in and curse the previous government for cutting out the hospitalization budget to pay off for their corrupted wrong doings. I mean if they want us to pay, at least they can order those items from the supplier and charge us later, that would help. But I guess, they just don't have the money to buy it and in end pass that responsibility to the people. Asshole! Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with the hospitals, I'm angry with the previous government. I heard even the doctors have to buy their own surgical gloves. Rubbish!

So after series of races to pharmacies, we left hospital for stepdad to rest. Nothing much to wait since the operation was in 2 days. My bro was driving me and mom back when suddenly mom said "hah boleh la gi tengok rumah Marissa". Boy at that moment my heart jumped with happiness. You see, I've been living on my own for 4 years now and not even once my mom came to my house. Every time I invited her to come, she gave many excuses not to come. We had few argument on why she seems to be avoiding coming to my house. It breaks my heart and hers too. So I decided since then, that I won't even ask her to come anymore. My house is opened to her anytime and it's up to her when she wanna come. I don't want to put pressure on her anymore, because I know she really wanted to come but she's more concern about my stepdad and she's making up those excuses for him. My stepdad and I and even my other siblings had not been in good term few years back since he became religious. He would scold, belittling and say irritating things to us and our kids and because we don't want to be disrespectful, we started to avoid him and consequently not visiting our mother. Because in the end, mom would be the one who need to suffer to hear his grumbling about us. It's not fair for mom and I know she's suffering too. But mom being a loyal and obedient wife, she would submit and swallow everything. She knows and I can't change her for that.

For me, the major reason that I'm here with mom is because she needs me. I do owe my stepdad for helping me out during my divorce but some of his actions were unacceptable to me after he changed to be entirely different person. He used to be so jovial, open minded and we would sit together and discuss and laughed about many things. I listen to his advices and respected him very much for his wisdom. Now, he's totally the opposite, tense and finding faults in every conversations.

God knows how happy I was when mom stepped into my house. I didn't manage to give her tour to the pool area to impress her more coz it's raining and my bro was in rush also. She looked happy and told me " boleh la kita buat makan-makan". I replied her "I always do makan-makan.. mami je yang tak nak datang". Dushh.. and she replied with her default answer "bukan tak nak datang, tapi ada je hal dan masa tak kena". Well, she was referring to their other functions she needs to attend, which for me looks like it's more important than my invite and it's not only one time. Well, I guess I know the real reason behind it, but I still gave her the benefit of doubt. It always occur to me, as a mother didn't she even want to see my place? See if her daughter have a safe and proper place to stay? Didn't she want to know if I'm doing ok? I've never live on my own before and I'm now living alone. Anyway, I'm just happy that she came.

Another weird thing happen since then with my stepdad. When I see him at the hospital, I was just behaving like normal me, coz I don't know how to pretend and create awkwardness. My stepdad seems to be in his jovial self like he used to be. We make politic jokes and laughed again. I was always that person who makes him laugh before. I know how to make classy jokes you know. It feels good to make him at ease again so he can prepare his mind for the surgery.

Mom told me that my stepdad asked her what was it that I was so angry to him before, till I no longer visited them for long time. Well, not a surprised that he asked that question. He's a person that hardly see and assess himself thus found nothing's wrong with him except others. To even ask that question without trying to understand why doesn't make any different. I guess that question just dawned on to him when he's facing matter of life and death before the surgery. I bet he'll be back to his arrogant and "I know all and I'm always right' attitude when he's back in good health. I don't expect much change but as a daughter, I try to make it easier whenever I can for him and mom. 

It has been 4 years

Frankly, I don't know where to start. It's been ages since I came back to this lair and write again. The last time I revisited for a peek was last year, when I shared with D my posts. It wasn't part of my plan but I thought since we're starting a relationship, perhaps he should have some brief of what I had to go through in past.

It touched me that he cried and angry at same time on how I was treated and that this blog should be deleted (well, I didn't). Perhaps, he thought that what's in the past and should be forgotten. In way it's true, but that part of life has made me who I am today. It didn't define me but those journey taught me well. Through those suffering, a better, stronger and wiser me emerged. But that's not all, the most appreciating thing was, he didn't ask me in detail about it, though I think he might have some concerns or questions. I was so glad and relieved because I was afraid that I would need to justify my past doings to make him understand. You know, even remembering any part of it, is very excruciating for me. In fact, he reassured me that it was all in the past and that I should move on and think about my kids and make things better in life. I know all that, but I just need some validation to it and that's exactly what he gave me. I got different reaction when I shared with A and B, something that I didn't expect, but I'll talk about it some other times.

So I read back all my previous posts and it really gets into me. I was overwhelmed with those traumatic years, feeling angry, suffocated, sad and that nauseating sensation kicked in. I tried to skip some posts, because I ended up crying knowing the woman I was once before need to endure those repugnant years. It's like I'm looking from above to a clear vision of me wrapping my naked body, crying under the shower to hide out my tears. I can feel the sharp hurt in my heart all over again. You know, I realize I didn't write some of worst things that had happened to me just because I couldn't bare to even acknowledge that I let it happened and I don't think I ever wanna go there again. If only I can hypnotized myself and go to that specific storage in my brain and permanently delete it. Kann.. well.

So some part of it - the guilt, the stupidity and how worthless and disgusted I felt still resides deep inside. Once in awhile those feelings crept into me even after I have left him for 4 years and living on my own. In early years, I can't help it and I don't know how to suppress it. It just consumed me all over. There were nights that I had nightmares, crying and get into a depressed state because I didn't know how to handle the thoughts that keeps appearing in my head vividly. I wrapped myself so tight because I felt scared and insecure of what's going to happen to me and what I will become. I didn't talk to anyone, just keep it to myself because I can't be seen as vulnerable again and let people judge and take advantage of me. Not only that - I trust no one. It's just so difficult to let anyone near me. Even my closest friend didn't know this piece that I need to deal with. Nothing much she can do and it's a burden for her to know that she can't help much. I know I need to handle it on my own, whatever it takes for me to survive again. I just don't want anyone to see me in that condition. It's shameful to be seen out of control of your own emotion and I had enough to handle that time.

I remember there was one night, I was watching some movie with D on Neflix. Can't recall what was the whole story exactly, but some of the storyline hit that nerve inside me. Suddenly I feel like I can't breathe and feel like vomiting. I tried to hold until the story ended because I didn't want D to notice it. After it ended, I sat inside the toilet and cried quietly. I feel like shit! Shit I was so angry with myself that I can't hold that nerve. I thought I was over it, but apparently it didn't and that was last year. It's been awhile that I had that nauseate feeling and I kept wondering when will it go away and that I should avoid any potential triggers. It's so scary to feel as if you had some kind of mental illness.

I remember that happened many times during the first years with B. Every time after we had sex, I would cry and B would hugged me until I fall asleep. There were a lot of things that's going on my mind after sex. It was mixed feeling actually. I'm not sure how to describe it but perhaps the thoughts if B was having sex with me for who I was. Doubts kept playing in my head that maybe he was just using me for sex, just like what the ex kept on reminding me - men only go after your pussy, the rest are part of the game. And so it created confusion and I got scared, but then B would hugged and reassured me that he's with me and his reassurance made me feel safe again. He didn't ask why I cried and I didn't tell but I assume he probably have some sense of it. Well, after 4 years he never did ask anything that's going in my head and I'm well aware now why he never asked. Boy, what a sad story to an amazing mind.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I will get the trigger again. I really hope it will never ever come to haunt me again because the feeling was horrible.

So much to spill for a 4 years story right. Oh well, I have time now and I have reasons to write again. Nobody reads blogs now anyway. People are so consumed with FB, Twitter, Snapchat and IG and I'm just not into it.. old skool. Life is more real and peaceful! Yahooo!