Love fool

Now days I do grumble like an old lady..sungguh tak vogue okay. I mean who wouldn't. It was raining heavily last nite and he wanted to have dinner outside. So I told him it was raining and furthermore I have cooked. So he said, need to pick up laundry. And the best part is, he gave me RM5 to pick up his laundry in that heavy rain. I told him to pick up himself and he said he's just afraid that he would slipped and fall. I was like omaigaddd..romantik giler okay!! Grrr..macam haremm!!! And I did run in that heavy rain and oh at least he gave me an umbrella and RM5. And..that RM5 tak cukup coz he forgot it was 2 batches and so I had to run back again to the car for additional money and that shit was heavy when I carried them into the car, drenched!

And when I was inside the car, he gave me a kain buruk that was under the seat. And I was like tak faham..What for? And he said " Oh! You wipe the door, nanti tingkap jam and pintu rosak" And I was like soaked in water and he can't see that! Romantik giler kann. 

Well anyways, he asked me why did I seldom smile when I'm around him. Mmm..macam malas nak jawab. Well..let me see..You curse me whole day and every day, fuck me like a whore, asked me to lickyourballs and ass (sanitized of course), asked me to pick up your laundry in middle of the rain (well at least he paid for it), asked me to pay for food just because I don't cook (not that I mind, but don't make it sound that bad)..I wonder what kind of smile I can put up. A senget smile perhaps.

A conversation with my girl friends last week, put me to a pause. We went for karaoke and lepaking session at one of the hype places in town. I had such a great time with them. I didn't tell him that I took a day off for that. Not that I wanted to lie, but he'll make a big fuss out of that. Last time I was assumed to have a quickie with one of my bf at MontKiara condo, or that I went for a spin while giving a head on in the car or in some private karaoke toilet room. Well its a denial that eventually became a true lies coz that's what he wanted to hear. 

He said instead wasting my time with my girlfriends I should be spending my time with my kids at home or doing house chores or better if I go out with men and that he could plan agenda for that. I was like fuck la, didn't I deserve sometime on my own, I need a break too. On the way home that day, my friend asked me if I didn't fall in love in any of those men that I've met. She said at least Alisa (my other girlfiriend) who can't leave without a companion is looking for the right love or even Stefi (my other girlfiend) who's materialistic are aiming for a love of rich man even though they are old, have their own purposefulness in their life to make them happy. She said I deserve to be happy and that I seem to have lost it all. 

I told her I almost did fall in love with a man but I backed off because I saw picture of his wife and kids and they are so beautiful. He's a man and I know his need. They are all the same. What's he's looking in me is just something that he can't have with his wife. And I wanna give that to him because I like him so much. But if I do, it will be not just be a fuck and there'll be no way back. He will eventually play with my feelings to just get what he wants and there's no love coz it will always stay with his wife and kids. And I realized that is so true. I should never involve my feelings in any of my skandel gitu..major trap. So there's no longer trust and love for man, coz I have my kids that are my life and my happiness and I content with that.

When you start to think like them, things will not be as cloudy. They are very objective in getting what they want. Details of it are thrill to them. But once they got it..macam haremmm!!! So..the point here is..drag on the thrill babe..and for them to got it..they should be worth it (which is such a rare case). Else..to hell with them. (giler bunyi macam lesbo)

Now's it raining heavily, macam mana nak balik ?

Perhaps it's a perfect time to give a head on while driving - cold and misty, no? 

Found this seeds at mom's house.. just think it's giler lucah tapi coverline baik punye sebab ada ayat rindu kat hujung which I think makes it so profound, aesthetic and authentic gitu..bijak! That keletek are meant to be kelentit or clitoris I suppose. 

So I told mom that now it'll be easier to have multiple orgasm coz I''ll have more "keleteks" to be rubbed on.

Oh yes babeh!

Sex is the best medicine too

I reckon I'm quite fortunate that I have a job to at least put me in safe position, financially. If I'm just a housewife, I could imagine the insult would probably expand to be in front of others. I've seen how his dad insulted his mother in public. It was a shock of my life. And his father is very alim okay.

Last Sat, he was lazing around on bed checking my laptop. I was busy with housekeeping and kids. I know that he was checking the usual stuff like all my chats, history and any new cock picture downloaded. Well, last time I used to delete, clear history, chats and all, but after sometimes I did't see what's the point of doing so. I mean he likes it, so I'm just giving what he likes although it feels like you've been stripped off as a person with no entittlement for any privacy whatsoever and that I'm like his porno server fuck.

But after that October, many things have changed. Though I told him not to ask about my past or any person that I've slept with because I don't, it didn't last that long before everything started to resume to his liking again. And I just give up though I do rebel, clearing all my chats, lock my phone, in fact I don't share anything. And that makes him more suspicious telling that I'm selfish for keeping all to myself.

So back to last Sat, I saw he was checking my chat and told him not to check coz there's nothing there. He got angry and nearly threw the laptop and said something but I can't recall but lebih kurang macam potong stim dia la. He got upset and walk out of the house. I didn't stopped him or say anything coz I don't care and I know he will apparently come back, cool down, give me a fuck and things will back to normal as if nothing had happened. But of course before all that, he would totally ignore me, didn't say a word if I asked him anything or even not eating my cooking. Well, it all will change after one dose.  Yeah, that's how things always get settled - one hot long fuckin session. And he would asked me to do things that he likes which I may not. He would put it to me as if I'm guilty to what I did to him and I need to repay that. Whenever I ask him to stop because it was hurting me, he would get irritated.- Kalau dengan I sumer sakit! Kalau dengan orang lain boleh! I'm your goddamn husband ok!

So I'm back to play with my mind. Stimulating it so that my whole body would enjoy and release those pain. And he would love it. He would then started to ask questions about all those men. I am a damn good liar and at that moment I am his master. You so good sayang..I love you sayang..and all those words I only get during those fuckin session. I wish I can fake orgasm so that it would end soon..but I can't. Pernah try..tapi tak jadi. You can fake the screaming sound but you can't fake those liquid cumming out from whatever holes you have. And he'll wait all night for that. Even you have sex drive like a horse..kuda pon penat and stress jugak.

I know I can use that, probably ask for a mini cooper..let him taste his own medicine.but shit that would cost me more than just fuck and head on. The more I think about it, the more I'm becoming like him. When I see man, I know what I should be seeing and doing. I'm beginning to think like him, like a man, like a bitch..shoot! How powerful sex can be eh.. You give them one and tomorrow will be a rainbow. Of coz he don't care how I feel or what he had made me become. For him feelings are not rational nor objective and what I've become is all at my own course, not his. Well I guess it's true.

I think a person has 2 sides in themselves. The one that we see and portray are those that are good and acceptable by the social norms and the one that domineering most part of oneself. But there's the other side of yourself that you will always hide or put it in a sleep mode, because they are meant to be that way and because they are dangerous. The complexity comes when you use the other side of your persona to dominate your life. And worst it is effecting others. 

I'm seeing it in him and I'm seeing it in me now. And that's scaring me, because I no longer afraid to unleashed the other side of persona. 

* Suka la Lighter Bruno Mars Eminem

Kid me not

It has been almost 2 weeks now since school started. Life gets busier yet interesting. Interesting coz kids have grown up and have mind of their own. I love talking and listening to them. They share most of things but kept some secrets too and I know that coz I'm their mother. 

Things went by so fast and I need to remind myself how to brace one day at a time and did it year by year.

My day starts as early as 6.00am. Wake up - cook - bottled my doter - bathe her - bathe me - send her to school - drive to work - work/meetings - drive back home - pick up my doter at babysitter - buy food / cook - bathe kids - bathe me - prepare for dinner - send son to mengaji - pick up his laundry - home - dinner alone - sleep my doter - pick up my son at mengaji - sleep my son - wash dishes -  iron school uniforms - sleep at earliest 12.30 am. And that's the ideal routine for me and most of the working mother, I guess. 

Not to forget, trivial things that could happened in between - woke up late - adik not in good mood - adik nak yakyak - adik don't wanna take bath - cried and throw tantrum not to go school -  ask me to lay beside her while she drink her milk and play with my nipple - and abang play with my hair - stress siotss!! but that's their pacifier - ayam goreng hangit - bad traffic - work stresses - responding to his online messages / texts / drafting cocky story - melayan mamat2 yg sentiasa stim and asik ajak main - nak pikir how to mengelat - tertido while sleeping my doter - pick up abang lambat - long fuckin session - sleep late - can't sleep coz too tired - woke up late. Been maidless for almost 3 years now, not that we never had few of them, but that's another story.

Well..seriously I have no complaint doing all that. It's for them and I love them so much and love doing all that for them. But after you've gone through all that, bombb!! he started to criticize all the things I did. It's just small things that matter to him coz it was never perfect in his eyes. And his word can be mean sometimes. He would criticize everything - from the way I dry the clothes on the hanger till the way I put the vase on the table. Even my shoes rack and shoes were big concern to him. It just put you off and spoiled your mood for whole day and your effort to drain. I don't really talk to him, unless I have to. Even if he is being nice, there's always hidden agenda, most of the times. Sometimes it's frustrating when I talked to him, he would just ignore me. My conversation is not interesting enough for him to bother unless it's about someone's dick. Yea I do wonder if he used to be a gay before. But after various evaluation and stories told, it's more of a dick obsession, I hope so.

Really, I don't need him to thank me or appreciate whatever things I did. But please stop criticizing. There's huge different between telling and condemning. 

So I'm used to that too. Your heart gets stronger, his ego gets bigger and dick gets harder. And we all live happily ever after? Oh woman!!

** layan Dave Matthews Band # 41

Metamorphosis

Over years, I have changed extensively, not something that was self initiated but I guess it worked its own way to what's happening inside and make me to what I am today. Naturally, I am a shy person. A person who would take longer route to avoid a crowd of guys coz I don't like attention and teasing. I blushed easily, even till today and my reply would be.. biasala..virgin kannn..and I know my reply sometimes would give a hard on to boys around me, but I just like doing that. I'm bad I know. 

When I got married to a man that is more than 10 years older than me, all I want is only to be a good wife and mother, as simple as that.

He is a perfectionist, so early years of marriage was a struggle. I got pregnant immediately after we got married and at same time pursuing my study and working at same time. He was working out of town for few months and it was a depressing period for me. I nearly put off my study as he always argue that I didn't perform my duty as his wife and I got the perception as if he was not supporting it. I paid all the fees anyway. But once I determined to call it off, he stopped me. Not so much that he care I guess. Knowing him, I think he knew that it would be an issue if my parents got to know it. He is someone who's ego is above all. His reputation is everything. In the eyes of others, he must be perceived as someone that is noble, knowledgeable, religious and respectable. He wouldn't want to be seem as not supporting my personal development. Well, no doubt the graduation day was the most satisfying and proud moment for him and my mother, though only God knows what I had to go through for that and I'm still thankful for whatever support he had given me. I mean, I can understand that it was my personal goal and that probably all the stresses all about. 

Well it all started one night, when we were having sex. He started to ask about my ex boyfriend. He did asked me  few times before that, like what did I do when I hangout with him, how was the foreplay like? What did I wear? Where did I do it? And I was very annoyed with all the questions. I mean, I'm already married to him, and I don't even have any thoughts about my ex, why do I need to tell all that to him. It's not important and it just didn't make sense to me that time. So he told me that I no need to worry that he'll be angry about it, but by sharing all that, it showed that I was being opened and trusted him. I was so confused at that time to understand, what the hell was going on in his mind. I mean logically, what's past is past. You know the fact, then you move on. It doesn't make sense for you to ask in details of it. I don't even remember what had happened between me and my ex boyfriend. How could you be in new life and referring to old life that you regretted many part of it.? So when he asked that, I can easily avoid and say - I tak ingat! Malas lah!

But when you're having sex, there's no escape. The need to recall and fuck and tell stories about the sexual activities you had with another person, it was fuckin pressuring okay. I know that there's no knife at my neck to force me to tell, but I have high empathy (which is my major weaknesses) and as a wife you will succumb to his needs when you see how your husband desperately need to know all that in order to perform and reach his climax. And once he got it, it was like indescribable happy feeling and he would praised me and kissed me all over and say how much he loved me and thanked me for sharing and you can see fireworks all over. So as a wife, that's a moment where you feel yourself complete, that you have performed your duty at the very best and you feel contented. And who wouldn't want that ?

So that's how it got started. And once the session was over, in which I was still confused what the hell had happened? That he got high listening how I have sex with others? Apa my body tak best or my pepet tak cukup ketat to satisfy him ke? I totally couldn't comprehend. Well, it doesn't stop there, all the praises were gone when morning comes. On the way to office next morning, it will be a post-mortem session for me. He would recalled back all the things that I've said when we were having sex. He told me how stupid I was to let my ex boyfriend used me - do laundry, money and etc and ditched my like shit. That he just used me and in the end he married someone who is nicer than me bla bla bla. And that I'm so lucky someone like him would still want to marry a low life person like me.blablabla. And I got shocked with the way he put it. I still couldn't comprehend what happened last nite and then I need accept all those things he said the next morning ? I just kept in silence I don't know what to say. It was hurtful the first time but it was more hurtful now, coz you begin to acknowledge it.

And so life after that was getting worst and worst. Stories from one boyfriend to another and when I'm out of boyfriend it would be any TomDick&Harry who fucked me. The story of my ex boyfriend no longer excites him as it has the love element and more of a decent session..citer budak hingusan. All he needs is one hardcore pure fuckin session with details of it. It's ok for me to fuck with others as long as I don't have any feeling for them. My feeling should also be with him, coz he is my husband.

When things got exaggerated and continually reminded, post-mortem sessions get more extensive. As the story was no longer with my ex-boyfriend, that's where the slut, free of charge, cheaper that a whore curses came into picture. When I told him all that all the stories were untrue and only my creation, he got so pissed off. It's like I had broke his imaginary screen in his head, and he would said that I'm too ashamed to admit it coz it's all true. And he would assure that when we have the next sex session. And I succumbed and forever be a liar to satisfy him.

And that kind of sex session becomes a cycle. It gets more and more extreme that I couldn't take it. Sometimes I bleed and cry at same time. Most of the times it will be few hours session. I submit to what he asked me to do, because he was so excited about it and I don't want to let him down. And I was so looking forward for him to say how good I was after that.

And that was when, your mind starts to think of how to release the pain. You know it's painful but at same time you kinda like it. So your mind tells the body to enjoy it. During the fucking session, I started to imagine how I always want it to be. The person in the stories and how they would do me. And that's exactly what he taught me. He wanted me to think of fucking someone else and he even wanted me to scream other person's name out loud. And I remember that's when I got my 1st orgasm which make me cried like a baby and it freaked him out as to why I suddenly cried. At that point of time I myself got confused what the heck did I cried for..and then it came to my sense..OooOOooo..that's what they called orgasm ke..mm best! best!

And that changed me too. I learned the trick. The hell with all his curses, I need to be selfish too. So every time we had sex, it's like payback time and there's only 1 thing that I looked  forward to that is having a multiple fucking orgasm. So when the objective changed, your motivation also changed. My stories were getting more sizzled, and he enjoyed it and I got what I want. But the thing is, when stories got more extreme, he wanted to do exactly the same like what your mind has put in. Some of the stories I made was driven by him. He would want to listen not to 1 but at least 3 man to fucked me at one time, utilizing all fucking holes and all other equipment. So if I put that in his mind, he wanted that for real. Crazy gilebabi!! It freaked me out sometimes when there was few times he said that he had arranged someone to pick me up to for a fuck session at a private house. I gave him few reasons to avoid it like I'm having period, late meeting etc. He even assure me that all of them are clean and that it would be something that he wanted most - to watch someone else fuck me in front of him, to see how I would react and my face of ecstasy..boleh? And when I rejected the offer, he would expressed how disappointed he was..."buat dengan orang lain boleh!! Nak sedap sorang-sorang! Bila I nak tengok, join sama tak nak!" Then he would persuaded for me to find the person that I'm comfortable with to have sex but with condition for him to watch. And the persuasion carries on till today. Fuck!

So over years, I'm so used to all that already. I can say I'm addicted to being high on orgasm..adakah terminology sebegitu..and he loves me for that, that he bought me many kind of dildo and enjoyed watching me playing with myself. Sometimes I thought I don't even need a man to satisfy me. Man can't be giving me multiple orgasms for a long period. But lucky you man, I still need a hot blooded cock to thrust inside me and do the last piece closure. 

Tolong jangan stim okay :D

Well that's how I got transformed over years I guess. I do not seduce man because I'm not the kind yg gedik-manje-miang type, but men seemed to find me very seductive. Not that I have big boobs, I mean I wish, but they find me hot and sexy, muka stim, muka cfm. milf..etc. It is something that I've never experienced during my teenage years. Tapi sebab tok guru dah ajar, what kind of men there are in this world, so I know what they want. Layan je la..my mind reads them well..just like a man...so they know who they are dealing with. I leave them whenever I want. Well..that's what a bitch does anyway.

I pray to find my way out, so I can be a good person again

** listening to High - James Blunt 

Jadi patung sudah

I can't recall, but there was a day that we argued and I text him to say that I want separation. I guess through out time, I learned that just say what I want. I can no longer hold it. I'm not scared and I don't give a shit.

I don't know why, he said he wanted to make a confession, something that he's been hiding from me. And that he has been seeing his old girlfriend. I think she's about his age.. 40 plus, doing well but not married. And that he wanted to marry her coz she's nice and all.

And to my surprise, it didn't ticked me at all. I just thought, hell yeah! that's my key to freedom. I used to tell him that since I'm never a good wife, mother or even as a women, I ask him to find one that can take care of him the way he wants. And when he told me that, I was calm and told him that he can marry her, with condition that he needs to let me go. He argued that she will not be a burden as she is independent, has her own house, car and financially stable. Well, I insisted that that's the deal. I even asked him to make plan on how things should be. Kids arrangement and all. After awhile he told me that, he don't think he can marry her, as she's about his age and probably could not take care of him if he gets sick. Arghh..typical selfish person he is. And the best part is, he told me he didn't think he can find anyone who can serve him they way I did for sex. Arghh again!! What a fucker! I guess the way out is probably to not be good in bed!! Mengangkang je keje..sapa tak nak! Wtf!!

Happy New Year

It's a new year and we always ask the same questions. What have you achieved ? Does life treats you better? Well I could say my career indeed gets better. So it's a fair life for me I guess. What more could I ask? Being good in career gave me certain level of controlling power. And he knows that. I can be on my own anytime I want. I guess that's what holding him to not let me go. I help the family economy though he seldom acknowledge it. But after all these years, I never did expect that anyway. I did it for my kids. It makes me feel happy to be able to buy them things that they want and take them out with my own money. They are happy for sure. And what he did best is to make a long list of what his financial commitments and how I didn't contribute any to the welfare of the family. So I never did ask any money from him unless if I'm really really desperate. Though it feels like begging but I don't care. Same goes if I'm sick, in which I seldom fall sick, I would struggle to take care of myself so I can recover as fast as I could. He probably think I'm a superwomen or something, so falling sick is something that he's not used to deal with, especially not with me. Not that he doesn't help me at all. He did manage the kids and buy me food and they all would sleep in another room so that I would not get them sick. Well it makes sense I guess, to be leaving me sick and alone in bed. Usually I try not to tell him if I'm sick, as he would just say that I'm lazy, or I have a lot of sins and that's my repayment to all those bad things I did. Well, I'm too sick to argue anyways so I just kept quite and see doc myself. 

It's quite saddening, but there's no one to feel sorry about anyway except myself. So I'm too devastated to ask him to send me to doc, ended up driving with my neck spasm to office like this morning and went to see docs for some medications. The thought of how I have helped him when he got warded from one hospitals to another, commuting day and nights even when I'm pregnant, taking care of him to as little as massaging his back, it just makes me realize how easy I am to be forgotten, once he's fit. Not that I'm counting things I did to him coz I did it with sincerity. It's just that, whenever I ask for a favor he would listed out all his sickness and that he's also sick etc so it's not fair for me to ask for a rub. Same goes like money, he would list out all his commitments before he would even spare his money. How does that suppose to make me feel. That I'm a  burden to him ? So I ended up not asking him any money or help if I'm broke or sick. It's just so sad. I cried in pain, looking for meds last nite. Well served me right I guess!

Not that I didn't try to be happy and I find that with my kids. And with him, every time I try to build back the passionate feeling, he still insults me. But what can that do to a dead heart. I just ignore and move on. I guess that makes him feel superior that he got to say anything he wants and I just let it be.

But there's always a concern of how he sometimes brainwash the kids with nasty word about me, like asking them who is the most nastiest person ? Where the answer would be me. Or when I pray, he would start to mock to say that its good that I have repented all my sins. And sometimes starting to put down the kids and comparing that they are not good enough - don't be like your mother kinda thing. It's good that my small daughter would cry and fight back to deny what he said. It's human nature that when you're in in pain - physically or emotionally, you fight back. What more as a kid, they are as pure and straight to just say whatever they think. But I'm afraid if it's continued, they will all turn like me - used to the degradation and dead inside. I promise, I will fight for them in any space I can, whenever he said bad things about them. Unfortunately, I started to see that in my eldest daughter. She became more passive and sometime would said how she hates her father. I know she keeps all her frustration inside. I will try to be close as possible to her. I'm so sorry for all the things that she had to go through. I know it's a very tough life for her at the moment. And I pray that God would give her the strength to go through her life at the very best. Not to end up like her mother with this pathetic partnership wtf!

Coming back to new year, I guess my resolution is to focus on my kids. I find men are filthy creatures - manipulator and will do anything to get what they want. It's all just a game, because they like the thrill in the game, details of it. Lately I tend to be very quiet. I don't like going anywhere and prefer to just stay at home. Also I will try to ignore his crazy demands and I try not to give a fuck about it and save money for any emergency plan. I would not know what my marriage fate would be, but I pray for the best life for all of us, even if that means not being together. 


Happy New Year.