I can't recall how many times I called my mom and dad or even whatsup my sis to tell them how unhappy I am with my life. Those calls were made at point when I was struggling and desperately looking for something to hold on to so that my head didn't went crazy. The pain and sufferings were too much for this little chest of mine to bare it alone. I told them that I was so unhappy with my life and I don't know how I can go on living in this sad life. And even tough I have my kids that give strength to me, it's just like a stick to support me from falling and to just carry on living life the way it is. That's all.
And the best advice they can give is...sabarrrr..be patience. Think about the kids..etc. I understand that they felt sorry about my life and that there's nothing much they can help. So I guess, at that moment I've lost all my hope and I've just lost everything. Once you get married and with all those responsibilities to your husband and kids, you just lost everything about yourself. You entitled for nothing except serving them. I understand about compromise, tolerance and all that shit, but when you're in my situation you realized they are all bullshit.
Once you start giving, there's no end to it. Being nice is a weakness. You'll get used until there's nothing left to give except yourself and then you'll feel worthless and just live with no value as if you're a zombie. No feeling, only numbness. What's most hurtful is the emptiness inside you. Physically you're needed by everyone, but inside there's nothing. Just sadness. Every night I would cry thinking about happiness that I don't understand. Apakah..?? No one would understand. People would probably say I'm over-reacting and selfish. But can't I? Can I just have my own happiness? If I make mistakes again in finding them, well at least it is my own fault rather than having someone treating you as a faulty item to be used for his amusement.
Once you start giving, there's no end to it. Being nice is a weakness. You'll get used until there's nothing left to give except yourself and then you'll feel worthless and just live with no value as if you're a zombie. No feeling, only numbness. What's most hurtful is the emptiness inside you. Physically you're needed by everyone, but inside there's nothing. Just sadness. Every night I would cry thinking about happiness that I don't understand. Apakah..?? No one would understand. People would probably say I'm over-reacting and selfish. But can't I? Can I just have my own happiness? If I make mistakes again in finding them, well at least it is my own fault rather than having someone treating you as a faulty item to be used for his amusement.
Last week, went to my Mom's place and my dad asked me. Why do you look like you're unhappy? And I just smiled and told him that this few months were very hectic months with mounting pressures and that the workload was so stressful and all. I can't recalled what was his feedback as I was trying to make a quick exit out of that conversation.
I've already stopped turning to them when I feel suffocated. There's no point for me to burden them with my pathetic life, leaving them feeling bad later because they're not able to help me. And that's the more reason for me to just pretend that life is getting better. That I'm so good at deceiving everyone and I forgot that I deceived myself too. I keep on telling myself that life is good, and you couldn't get so much better than this, that..you know every one has their own challenges in life and that what's you're facing is fair. So I just thought well..so be it. If life's a bitch, I just need to live as it is. I stopped thinking about having my own happiness of life because I just don't know what it is anymore. For me, what I'm having now is happiness.
Even though, he already stopped pushing me for chats or pics or arranging me for some fucks, apparently the sickness just don't die. I was wrong to think that he has changed. He didn't. It just got his way round but it's still the same. I can't recall how many times he fucked me hard saying that that's the way how those omputih colleague of mine would do me. And I just would agree with him so that the session would end fast. Or how he would shoves all those toys inside me hard, until I can't hardly breathe. And if I tried to push his hands he would be pissed about it, saying that I wouldn't behave that way if it's with all those guys.
I can't remember how many times I have said that I hate him silently, every time he asked me to change my undies or my jeans or my shirt to something more sexy or shorter or transparent for pleasure of others. I hate him so much for asking me to do all this, though I know I'm at guilt too for submitting to him. I am wrong. So that's how it was last few month. Things back to before, he still belittle me like calling me stupid, no brain etc and criticizing every single things I did at home or with kids. And when he was angry with me, we didn't talk at all but he would divert his angerness to the kids which made the kids more confused. Things get reconciled, as usual via sex. Of course he would expect that I had few fucks with other man during those fights period in which drive him to fuck me more. His new game now is to have a man masseur to massage me. He said he love to see me being massaged by a man, to see how the masseur would perspired hard while massaging my back and buttocks. He even asked me to hold his cock while he's massaging. He said they all wouldn't mind. And if I did that, I would probably get some finger fuck massage and that would be great to him. (of coz he would implied it as if it's good for me). Everything about me is about sex and satisfying his sex crave. If I asked him to help buy something for me he would asked for trade. Like he said that he would treat me with full body massage but I need to be massged by a man. Or like if he asked me to send him my petpetpic, he would say that he would buy me dinner but if I send him my vid fingerfucking myself doggie style he would buy me things. So it's like that. Nothing's free from him. It all a trade.
I remember last Raya, we were shopping for kids clothes. I told him that I bought some and he need to also pay for some coz last year I was the one who spent for all their clothes. So he said fine.
He chose a pair of baju kurung for my eldest daughter and said that I should also buy a pair so that I can wear same pattern as my daughter. Well, I was so happy about it and ask him to buy for me. He said..baju you.. you bayar la! I just smiled as I thought he was joking. So he queued at the cashier and put both clothes, my daughter's and mine on the counter. Then he pushed aside and told the cashier that he's paying for this one and the other one I would paying. Good fuck! I didn't know how to react. Cashier tu pon confuse. Wa sebak giler duhh..sedih ada.. malu pon ada. So mak pon terhegeh-hegeh la keluar kan duit bayar baju kurung rege dalam RM150 je.
I can see my daughter's face changed. As I was walking towards car, I told her that the only piece of clothes that his father ever bought me was kain baju kurung hantaran kawin. And even that clothes ruined because my previous maid washed it in the washing machine. So that was pretty sad la. Like he always said to me that I don't even deserve a dowry. What he paid for my hantaran or mas kahwin was so overrated because I'm a used stuff. So sometimes mak marah la jugak..asik cakap benda sama over and over again. Well..you pon sama la macam orang lain!! Bayar je one off..pastu pakai pon recycle jugak!! So sama je la u dengan jantan lain. Free la jugak.
Ntah la mak geram nokss!! So I guess he didn't brought that issue again anymore. Knowing him, he probably thought I'm right. That what he paid has good returned investment. Over years I already depreciated it's value, but the scrap of me is still usable. So meaning, barang free beb.. pastu siap boleh pakai sesuka hati.
After all these years, I can say that I myself have turned into a sex addict. Ade ke eh?? I get highly stimulated sometimes and I just can hold myself to just have a good fuck.
Sometimes bila dah tak tahan, I would just suck his dick for it to get a hard on and sit on him to satisfy my crave. And he would just smile, loving my act macam orang sasau gilabatang! While working on my act, he got really excited asking me questions like..sapa fingerfuck you baby? who lick your ass baby?? tell me! tell me..arghh malas la nak layan soklan2 tu.. sbb wa tengah high la..
There were times that I was so fucked up and need some dick to satisfy me, but he was tired and want to sleep. So he would give me those dildos and asked me to fucked myself or go and fucked someone the next day. Wa tak tahan la weiii, so kena amik sendiri la dalam almari tu. Actually memang genius la sapa yg create dildo ni. Kalau boleh wa nak kasik Nobel Prize kat inventor dildo ni. So lepas dah kena multiple O baru la boleh tido dengan aman damai. Dunia tiba2 terasa indah dan berpelangi gitewww.. so camtu la. Tu happiness la tu kannnn..
So that's how I deceive myself everyday, that's how I keep on telling myself that this is life and that is the happiness for me and I just need to get used to it. There's nothing in life that I looked forward to.
I can't remember how many times I have said that I hate him silently, every time he asked me to change my undies or my jeans or my shirt to something more sexy or shorter or transparent for pleasure of others. I hate him so much for asking me to do all this, though I know I'm at guilt too for submitting to him. I am wrong. So that's how it was last few month. Things back to before, he still belittle me like calling me stupid, no brain etc and criticizing every single things I did at home or with kids. And when he was angry with me, we didn't talk at all but he would divert his angerness to the kids which made the kids more confused. Things get reconciled, as usual via sex. Of course he would expect that I had few fucks with other man during those fights period in which drive him to fuck me more. His new game now is to have a man masseur to massage me. He said he love to see me being massaged by a man, to see how the masseur would perspired hard while massaging my back and buttocks. He even asked me to hold his cock while he's massaging. He said they all wouldn't mind. And if I did that, I would probably get some finger fuck massage and that would be great to him. (of coz he would implied it as if it's good for me). Everything about me is about sex and satisfying his sex crave. If I asked him to help buy something for me he would asked for trade. Like he said that he would treat me with full body massage but I need to be massged by a man. Or like if he asked me to send him my petpetpic, he would say that he would buy me dinner but if I send him my vid fingerfucking myself doggie style he would buy me things. So it's like that. Nothing's free from him. It all a trade.
I remember last Raya, we were shopping for kids clothes. I told him that I bought some and he need to also pay for some coz last year I was the one who spent for all their clothes. So he said fine.
He chose a pair of baju kurung for my eldest daughter and said that I should also buy a pair so that I can wear same pattern as my daughter. Well, I was so happy about it and ask him to buy for me. He said..baju you.. you bayar la! I just smiled as I thought he was joking. So he queued at the cashier and put both clothes, my daughter's and mine on the counter. Then he pushed aside and told the cashier that he's paying for this one and the other one I would paying. Good fuck! I didn't know how to react. Cashier tu pon confuse. Wa sebak giler duhh..sedih ada.. malu pon ada. So mak pon terhegeh-hegeh la keluar kan duit bayar baju kurung rege dalam RM150 je.
I can see my daughter's face changed. As I was walking towards car, I told her that the only piece of clothes that his father ever bought me was kain baju kurung hantaran kawin. And even that clothes ruined because my previous maid washed it in the washing machine. So that was pretty sad la. Like he always said to me that I don't even deserve a dowry. What he paid for my hantaran or mas kahwin was so overrated because I'm a used stuff. So sometimes mak marah la jugak..asik cakap benda sama over and over again. Well..you pon sama la macam orang lain!! Bayar je one off..pastu pakai pon recycle jugak!! So sama je la u dengan jantan lain. Free la jugak.
Ntah la mak geram nokss!! So I guess he didn't brought that issue again anymore. Knowing him, he probably thought I'm right. That what he paid has good returned investment. Over years I already depreciated it's value, but the scrap of me is still usable. So meaning, barang free beb.. pastu siap boleh pakai sesuka hati.
After all these years, I can say that I myself have turned into a sex addict. Ade ke eh?? I get highly stimulated sometimes and I just can hold myself to just have a good fuck.
Sometimes bila dah tak tahan, I would just suck his dick for it to get a hard on and sit on him to satisfy my crave. And he would just smile, loving my act macam orang sasau gilabatang! While working on my act, he got really excited asking me questions like..sapa fingerfuck you baby? who lick your ass baby?? tell me! tell me..arghh malas la nak layan soklan2 tu.. sbb wa tengah high la..
There were times that I was so fucked up and need some dick to satisfy me, but he was tired and want to sleep. So he would give me those dildos and asked me to fucked myself or go and fucked someone the next day. Wa tak tahan la weiii, so kena amik sendiri la dalam almari tu. Actually memang genius la sapa yg create dildo ni. Kalau boleh wa nak kasik Nobel Prize kat inventor dildo ni. So lepas dah kena multiple O baru la boleh tido dengan aman damai. Dunia tiba2 terasa indah dan berpelangi gitewww.. so camtu la. Tu happiness la tu kannnn..
So that's how I deceive myself everyday, that's how I keep on telling myself that this is life and that is the happiness for me and I just need to get used to it. There's nothing in life that I looked forward to.
And when I do feel at the edge sometimes, I do hope that I would just die but when I think about my kids, that they still need me, I continue living.
Last time, there's not a single day that I slept not cursing him and thinking about escaping from him. Having my own life and finding my own happiness. Now I no longer dream. I just don't really care anymore. No one does anyways. They all have their own life issues.
And I'm just too tired of finding my way out. I guess I'm beginning to get used to live under his suspicion, taking all blames for every single mistakes, getting used to being used by him or in fact by every man I met.
Probably I deserve it. Probably that is happiness.
Probably I deserve it. Probably that is happiness.
