Blessing in disguise

At this point, I think I'm pretty clear and compose with my life despite the worry of not having any job to pay my bills for next few months. Looking for jobs are something that actionable so I guess it's matter of time. I need to patiently wait and hope that something good will pop up eventually. So far I have attended 2 interviews which were not successful. Sometimes I just don't get what went wrong, but I think I can sense what they were. Some post I applied were lower than my last position and even though I'm ok to lower my expected pay, but it's still at their higher end budget. Well, it's fine. I haven't gone through interview sessions for long time anyway. Usually I was the interviewer, so it was another learning experience for me to be sitting on other side of the chair. I have another 2 interviews next week, but I need to sit for test prior to that. Fuh, it's been a while amik test nih. Tatau la pass ke tak. Mak cuba je lah! Kalau tak dapat, cuba yang lain.

Initially, I got frustrated and demotivated when those interviews were unsuccessful. Then I realized it's actually the part of me that can't accept any rejection from one after another and not knowing the exact reason. Similar to my relationships, being abandon without any closure and it's happening at same period. It hits me that life is teaching me hard and is telling me something. Why is it the thing that I need most at this time are drifting apart from me? I kept thinking what it is that life wants me to learn? I'm not sure yet, but having this composure facing all these challenges is part of the learning process, and I like it. I feel wiser.

I don't have any regrets to what had happened to me. I see it all coming because I plan for it consciously and subconsciously and somehow expected the outcome, because sometime it's kind inevitable anyway. Sometimes I can sense that the universe understands me well, that all the path and words I said seems to fall into its places on a perfect timing to create another wonderful chapter of my life story be it good or bad. Waiting how the chapter of the story ends excites me.

There were nights before I went to sleep, I talk. I'm not sure to whom I talk to, is it to God or Universe or myself, I'm not sure. What's for sure is that, I thanked to all of them, to God and to all the particles in between this space and time in this Universe, for being there for me when I'm all alone. I'm blessed for happiness that I'm having right now and I thankful for all those good people that come into my life to support me. All of them. I'm blessed for this wonderful life and I wish the same for all that have been good to me. With all my heart. I talk and I smile. It soothes and calm to hear my own voice vibrates to each part of my body and nerves. It's a session for me to understand me at another level.

Every morning I woke up, I looked outside my window and smile to those tress greeting me in the morning and whispered - thank you. I can't help it. It's just wonderful to connect to nature and everything around you. You see, when you're staying alone and know that you're on your own with no one you can depend on, your sense of awareness to the raw being around your heighten. You only have your senses to guide you and to help make sense to you when in need. You begin to listen to  trust only yourself because that's all you got. Your physical embodiment that connects to your inner self. You respect your inner self because they gives you strength, patience, awareness and calmness when you're left alone with your own being. You begin to feel indebted for all the joy it provides that it's a total betrayal not to be truthful and true to yourself, because your inner self knows, no matter what shit you're trying to lie. I try as much as possible to be true to myself because if I didn't, I feel like I'm poisoning the growth and a whole universe inside me.

I know life always have issues but you can't let those issues clouded the other wonderful things that are happening around you. It's hard but I try to be fair to life that has given me so much blessing which sometimes I overlooked and take for granted. I'm sorry. And for that I forgive those that have hurt me badly without their intention to do so but due to circumstances. 

I forgive them and let go, so I can find peace in me and they can find theirs. Life has been  good to me and I can't be selfish.

Jobless and dumped

It's been 2 months now since I've lost my job. Miserable? Yes! Feeling out of control and all fucked up? Totally! Getting into state of depression? Yes! On and off! There were days I just sit or lay on bed or couch, watching back to back Netflix episodes or just staring outside of my window. I didn't go out except to throw out garbage just because I can't bare the thought that insects may call it their home too. I didn't bathe until I stink and I don't feel like talking to anyone, not even my best friend. I find my group chats lame and annoying and I hate it very much. I feel like I want to leave all chat groups and even think of leaving the country. Leave everything else and just run from everyone. Sometimes at night, I cried so hard I felt like my lung gonna explode. I cried until I have no voice and my mouth dried or until I fall asleep with tears soaking my pillow. It's a double fucked up when I lost my job and love of my life. I just feel so tired and hopeless.

Those that knew were giving hope and trying to sound positive about it. Well, I do appreciate their concern, but I'm a person who doesn't believe merely words until it's proven. I know they're being nice, but I don't really need that. I don't like being sympathized and seen weak. Sounds arrogant but I'm not. Those sweet talks were a bit useless for me because I don't want to be diverted from the reality that I've lost my job and I need to find one. Above all, I don't want to worry them with my issues coz they all have their own issues too. I can handle this, and so I thought.

The fact that I need to handle this alone is kinda sad. Sometimes all I need is just someone to ask me how am I doing and really meant it. Someone to hug and tell me that it's gonna be ok, Well, no one asked. It's either they think I'm all ok or don't bother or don't want to know or they have their own issues, so why add more? I never bother about having people ask me if I'm ok or not before, but this time it's really hard for me. Sometimes I just need some validation that someone really care. 

It's sad because in my own misery I'm the one that always ask how they're doing and ended up being their lending ears to all their issues and swallowed mine. I understand that everyone have issues and I know how it feels when no one bother to ask how you're doing. Sometimes I wish someone could do the same to me. For the past 2 months, only 1 person asked me if I'm ok and I almost cried because someone did ask. That's enough for me to know someone sincerely asked. But of course, I replied everything's fine though I so much wanted to pour it all out. But of course, again, it's unfair to unload your misery to others just because they asked. I know I need to get a grip, suck it up and handle this on my own.

But I'm just too tired to do this alone. Besides I think I got dumped for good and need to find my own closure, well same as before. That's the worst thing man can do to me. No closure. They left without words or they just brushed it away when questioned about relationship, They left me with my own thoughts to figure out what the hell happened, wondering what the fuck is this relationship all about. Why do they have to be so selfish for sake of fucks and why can't they grow some balls to be truthful what exactly they want? If you want to have fucks just say it. Don't be such an asshole leading wrong assumptions or giving fake hopes and dreams. It's just cruel and cold. No matter how much you think you're a good person, leaving me hanging and ghosting like I have no soul, is just so cruel. Yes, I can move on but how can you heal the heart that longed and waited for an answer? Why did you do that?

Too much is playing in my head right now and I'm trying hard to divert my mind and keep myself busy even though I'm jobless. Huh! I feel like running away again, but I can't. :(