aftermath

Well..it’s been a week now. So what do you do when you were given a second chance of life to live as you wanted to? I’m still having a hangover over this divorce. Coincidently, it’s a week after ErraF get hers too. Walau pon mak tak de la nak pakai sepek hitam besor and mask but I can feel her. For whatever reasons marriage dissolution can be, the processes to go through it were hurtful for both as it involves looking back to love, trust and dreams once built crumbled. And especially when it involves children, a testament to those seeds you were once hoping to hold and strengthen the relationship till you grow old. Fate? I don’t know. I don’t really know what it is. What I’ve learnt is that it’s all about timing and effort. Having said all that, I’m glad that I finally get the divorce. Looking back through last few months ordeal, I finally can smile, breathe and have my sanity.

My only worry is my kids. Worry if they aren’t able to adapt with their new life without a mother to pamper them. Worry about having the thoughts that they will hate me for leaving them. Worry they are not independent enough to brace their school days and school issues and that they don’t have me to listen and talk about it.

Well after today’s day out with them, I realized that they all are doing just fine. They no longer seem tensed and reserved. Kakak sounds excited and smiling while telling stories about her school activities and her favorite Kpop group EXO. And I kept reminding her to focus on her studies and that those men in Kpop group were not my idea of a man should be coz I can differentiate if they were male or female. Pfffftt! And that she must not disclose private and sensitive information to stranger online and she definitely need to diet to build her self confidence. Nagging like a mother should be. And she goes… yeah yeah yeah mummy!

Abang was bubbly telling stories about him winning 1st place in merentas desa last week. And I went rubbing his head against my chest telling him how proud I was. I told him that he’s just like me because I was once a long distance runner but only managed to get 2nd place and that he’s much stronger than me. We were discussing about the breathing technique and how to sustain the momentum till finishing line. I was so happy for him but at same time holding my tears because I was not there to see him at the finishing line. I’ve never missed his sports day before because he always gets the 1st place.

Then I sent him to his guitar class and had a chat with his rocker teacher about his progress. He said he can play quite number of songs and he had good voice too. Well, it made my day. He has been in the class for a year now and with this rocker teacher for about 4 months. He requested to change to younger teacher as he said Mr Lim was a bit boring. So I requested to change to this rocker teacher and I can see drastic change in his motivation and the feel when he strummed his guitar. I always told him that with music you have to feeelllll…kena ada jiwa bang! You are using your whole brain to be one. Baru la abang feeelll and orang yang dengar tu feeelllll!! Paham?? Ye..paham mummy!… Ntah paham ke idok budak ni. Ishh.

I discontinued paying the Astro bill, kakak handphone bill and no longer need to pay for the groceries and food expenses. The guitar classes fee was the only fee that I agreed to continue paying. My ex is not paying for it because he said guitar classes were not a necessity. And fuck I won’t let him do that to my son. My son told me that it’s ok if he stopped the guitar class since dad is not going to pay for it. He was sad and holding his cry while saying it. I told him that it’s ok because I’m paying for it. He hugged me tight saying thank you. He loves playing guitar and I know he can play very well one day. I can’t wait to see that day.

My youngest daughter who is 6 years old was sitting on my lap and told me that next year she wanted to go school near the house area, because all her BFFs will be going to the same school. I was persuading her to stay with me next year so I can send her to a private school when she’s 7 years old.

Tak pe kan mami? Mami tak paksa adik kan? Ye takpe, adik sekolah mana yang adik suka..tapi kena jadi pelajar cemerlang okay! Okay mami and she smiled.

I guess, she has also adapted well to this life without me in her daily routines. I was happy because they are doing just fine now and happy with their life and that is good. But at same time I was sad inside because I realized that I will be living my life alone now. They no longer need me to be there with them daily, because they have overcome it.

I will only be a weekend mother who spent few hours with them over weekend or alternate weekend. And meanwhile I need to hold myself everyday from crying for missing them so much. Every time I saw kids walking or sitting near me in restaurant or public places I got drifted easily back to memories when I was with my kids. It touches me so much in the heart, because I have so much of a motherly love in me but I can no longer spill and share it out with my kids daily. I just want to kiss and hug them like I always did everyday for the last 15 years. And now it’s gone. I know I’m a good loving mother, and I’m just afraid if I’ll loose it and forgot how to be one someday.

I reckon and had to admit that this is what real sacrifice is. Leaving him and that house was the right thing to do. He no longer has me as his object to abuse and the kids no longer had to witness how their father treated their mother and be his alliance, without them noticing it. They are living in healthy environment without me around, I guess. The ex now is taking up his obligation to be a responsible father and of course pay for their expenses. That’s what a man should be doing after all. So I guess, that’s why the kids are happy because the father is playing his role as good father. I know he’s trying hard so that the kids will keep on staying with him instead of me. I’m fine because my main objective is for the kids to be happy. It’s not fair to push them to go through another change and pressure since they’ve already struggled and managed to go thorough it.

I realized it is me then who need to start making change and plan for my new life. I need to move to live this life again even if it has to be walking all alone. I guess it’s more on how to deal with the feeling of missing the kids and different kind of daily routines. At this moment, it’s a little bit unorganized and I like organized things, that is. 

Loneliness does hit me once in a while, especially when night comes and you’re sleeping all alone. I slept with kids besides me before and got dragged by him whenever he needs to have a fuck, that is. I used to have my daughter hugging me and me watching her while she’s falling asleep. And now that’s gone too.

I do get shivers when I’m in need of sex. It was rough all the times, and I’m relieved that I no longer need to go through those traumatic nights anymore. But I guess the body to some extend; do signal the brain to trigger those endorphins to be released based on the normal frequency you usually get. Feel like asking my lawyer Tuan Haji Suleiman Akhlaken to hand me back those fucking dildos he kept for evidence material, and so I did.

And Encik Man asked, you really want it back Marissa?

Jeeezz, I’m kidding la Encik Man, that’s my sufferings medium, of course not. You can hand it to the sex museum or make a keychain if you want. Hahahaha..I laughed cam tu. Haihh..mak pasrah je la, I got high just thinking about what DNV can do me and give me those multipleOs babeh! Mak tido gigit jari noks!!

I don’t disclose my divorce to just anybody. I’m a private person, ironically. Kalau ramai jantanss tau mak dah jadi janda hot..masakkk nokss!! Seriously I don’t really need those nuisances right now. And all they want is to just ‘fitting in’ to my ‘tight’ and vulnerable state? Dok gitu? Well, maybe not all..but that's the game by default. Kalau rezeki tak kan tolak kan bro?? Typical leteww..

Anywayss..I can and will get over it, now that I know I have him to be there when I’m in need. He’s almost my perfect match and I finally found him in my darkest sorrow of life and to be my light to see life and love beautifully again. The sad thing is, I’m still scared and traumatized to be in another commitment. 

I guess I’m too scared to get hurt again and be in another complicated life. But what’s life without complications. All I want really is to have the courage to say I-love-you again to a man that I know I can live life with and grow old gracefully together. Jiweng sehhh!!!

I guess, I just need some time to heal this heart and to be same person but with an upgraded version gituu.. I hope I turn out to be better person.

It's over now

It’s finally over today. I’ve done it. I have freed myself from the ruthless past and won fight to claim my sanity and dignity back again. At point of writing this, I still don’t know what to feel. Yes I am happy yet I’m not sure what kind of happiness it is. If I may describe it metaphorically, it’s like seeing me in a white thin long dress, spreading a long white shawl holding it with both hands and spreading it over my head, smiling and dancing round and round in a wide misty moor under the moonlight. Whoaaa..jiwang sehh!! I just could not believe that it’s finally over. I still remember last 2 months that he said he won’t make it an easy gateway for me and I knew he would.

I have lost hope before and never thought I could have made the journey to this extend. Well yeah!! It was finally over babeh. It’s time to move forward now and no longer looking back. I have another whole long new journey to go through and it’s solely up to me to chart it again, to decide how and what I’m going to make it. I’ve been given second chance to life and I must not ruin it on my own capacity. It’s my life and I decide how it’s going to be. It’s a huge responsibility now mann!  Plan plan plan! I need plan!

I could had never reached this path without help from my parents, siblings and closest friends who gave me the support when I needed them. And above all I am indebted to my savior, my hero and my angel who has been with me from the start, to guide and inspire me tirelessly. He saved me from darkness and gives me light to a whole new life. How a person was willing to help another person whom he barely knew in less than 2 months? Ni bukan standard tolong-tolong tukar tayar bocor tepi jalan ye. If I were to take the whole package of help it would cover a psychologist, a consultant, a banker, a doctor, a profiler, a researcher, a maharaja lawak mega, a warden asrama yang garang and an artist who appreciate fine arts and beauty. And it covers almost a 24/7 services. Dasattt!!! Oh one more thing.. he was there too.. waiting in the car at the court parking compound till my court hearing was over. So pakej cover reporter jugak la! I didn’t ask him to come but his near presence did give me strength when my ex was reading the lafaz. I almost break down, but his words came to my mind – “dia dera awak for 15 years..dia hina awak..how can you let someone did that to you?? You don’t deserve that!”

And I had my strength back again and not a single tear ran out and in fact I was calm. Really calm.

The marriage dissolution was done with both consents. The reasons or summon statements were not mentioned in courts as not to put both Plaintiff (me) and Defendant in shame (tidak mengaibkan kedua-dua pihak). Both has agreed on the terms and condition of the settlement. Under the Mahkamah Syariah jurisdiction, he has agreed to pay sum of Iddah and Mutaah and no nafkah to be paid as the children will be under his custody. He raised his concern about the harta sepencarian to the judge (ni kes sebab takut I’ll take all things in the hosue that I bought. Giler tak tau malu). However the judge mentioned that he needed to file that in High Court as it’s not under Mahkamah Syariah jurisdiction. Same goes to the other petty points.

He read the lafaz talak with heavy heart, I know. He cried even before he started to read the statement. He asked the judge for few seconds to compose himself before reading the statement.

Bismillahirrahmannirahim. Saya Mr Abuser dengan ini melafazkan cerai ke atas Marissa dengan talak 1 …

I was staring at him when he read that statement. No tears shed from my eyes.

Outside the court he almost lost himself. He started to call my dad (what the hell he called my dad for!!) and I was pissed coz I know my dad just came out from OT for his endoscope procedures. Then he called my daughter and my mom! He was saying that it’s all over and was asking for apologies. Watefak la..Pehal ko tak tepon bapak kesayangan ko tu!

He walked off to his car then came back again and talked to my step dad and walk off back to his car again. My step dad told me that he didn’t understand what the hell he was saying. I told my dad that he’s not that strong after all and what he has done to me came back haunting and is eating him up.

He looked very disturbed and angry. He didn’t even looked at me because he knew that he has lost the battle to me. He never like to loose to anything. You can know by the way he drives his car. I had been in many situations where he would stop the car in middle of road or in chasing pursuit just because someone overtook him or driving near to the car bumper. It was a crazy situation where I would just sit quietly in car praying that nothing bad happened to me and the kids. There was one time he quarreled with a man by a roadside because that man car scratched his side mirror. It was dragged to a nearby police station for the police officer to settle it. Memang gila! His temper did scare me and my kids.

I no longer afraid of him but my dad advised me to be careful. He may get a bit haywire and not able to accept that I no longer his wife and ended up doing something out of his mind. Ok I will and hopefully I’ll be protected from harm always.

I’m OK but I’m just sad thinking about my kids. No mother would dessert their kids they care since birth unless there’s no other choice in life. I hope they will understand one day why their mother has to take this path and forgive me for leaving them. I hope.

It's over now..mari kita tepuk pengakap!! Adios.

and the battle begins - Part III

So I’ve called the police to follow up on the report I’ve made last December on his father’s molestation charge. The agreed action was to call his father for questioning and to give him warning not to repeat his satanic doings ever again. I decided not to charge him after I’ve heard on the procedures shared by the police lady on how and  what my kids need to go through. Basically they will need to be quarantined in the hospital for thorough check ups on their body and private parts which will take for few days until JKM authorized that they can be discharged. No one is allowed to visit them except very close family members. They will need to stand in court to give statements and no one can help them throughout the interrogations and proceeding. The process will not be that fast to finalize and settled. She also shared some of the cases on child molestation by a father and how the mom finally withdraw the charge at the end of the day, due to pressure and after she reconciled with her husband. Sad indeed. What a weird and sick world we are living in.

I told the police lady that I don’t want to have my kids to go through all that as it will further traumatized them and asked for her suggestions on how to manage that. However I don’t want to withdraw my charge on my in law because it did happened and I want it to be part of the police record forever, until he died.

What’s been written as his sin in the World-after it’s between him and God and it need to be recorded in this current world because it’s between him and me and my kids. It’s my responsibility as a mother that brought them to this world, to protect them from harm and any abusive act, even though their father is a coward. I want his father’s life record to be tainted bad that it superseded all his whole good pious portrayed life before seems useless and meaningless. Tak guna la bro..ko dok bangga sekolah MCKK konon pandai..born to lead ke hapa jadah..tapi keje ko molest budak kecik. Kalu ko masuk jail for molesting kids..masakkk bro!!!

Anyways..I managed to talk to the police to ask details of it. She said she’s been trying to call my father in law many times but he seemed to be out of town for many weeks. Takut leteww..And when she finally got him on the phone and asked him to come to police station, he said that his car broke down and giving many excuses. So the police lady came to his house. She told me that during that time, my mother in law was there to hear the statement made.

Basically my father in law didn’t confess on the charges and was diverting the real issue telling her that I charged him because I was filing for divorce.

I told her I did file for divorce and part of it was due to that reason. But since I have moved out from that house and living with my parents and my kids are still staying with my husband, I need reassurance that my kids are safe. Their grandfather may come and visit them and may do the same thing again and I’m not there to protect them. (I want their father to know that too, so that he wouldn’t have slightest intention to do harm to my kids too. I do think for worst now, since I know what he’s capable of doing).

I guess polis ni pandai buat kerja because finally his father told her that he actually bergurau jer (sebijik jawapan like he always said to me when he insulted me). Macam sial!!! Gurau apa tu lahanat??? Pegang pepet cucu sendiri? Cakap kotor dengan cucu ?? Gurau ko kata!! I just wish I can kick his balls and tell him… Mar gurau je abah!! Sakit ker telor tu?? Gurau jer..tak pe kan??

So the police sound ler dia..gurau apa macam tu pakcik!! Tak kan la pakcik tak tau nak beza gurau dengan cabul?? And she gave him strong warning that if he ever did that again and if they received another report on this, they will not hesitate to take him to balai and locked him up and proceed to charge. I think that shivered him. I can imagine my mother in law’s reaction. She is a nice person and she probably aware of his satanic behavior. Maybe my kids were not his first victim, who knows. But I guess she herself was subjected to many years of mental and emotional abused and  manipulated by her husband. She may have finally gave up on her life too and what more to give a heck about others. Tutup mata, tutup telinga and finally tutup je hati. That’s her life I guess. And I predict that to happen to me if I stayed with him years ahead.

So I expressed my many thanks to the police lady and appreciation for the action they have made. I am satisfied now and feel that at least I know my kids are protected.

So that was also the reason why he has not been texting me for many days. I guess his father might have called him and scolded him on the charge I’ve made. Ni macam kes Master Yoda sudah marah protégé dia Luke Skywalker sebab tak reti nak beli bateri vibrator Lightsaber daa.. Master Yoda sudah marah..so tak leh la naik next level. He probably was angry with me, but he can’t do much since it’s already a police matter and now he knows that I’m not just saying! Don’t ever mess with me now!

My life without his harassments for days was totally bliss!! I can then focus on my work and planning for my move to new place to live.

That was then, and today it’s CNY and I have moved to my own place now. It’s a new fully furnished studio unit and I do love it. Mak sedih la jugak masa angkut barang turun naik lift tu sorang-sorang. I had my brother, who was around my area to help me carry up balance of 2 huge boxes of my clothes and a microwave left in my car.

Tomorrow I’m seeing my kids because he’s bringing them out of town during these holidays. Well..they seem excited so I’m happy for them. And I will be spending my times beli barang rumah sikit.. woohoo.. kemas gosok kain baju..decorate sket2 ke..and catching up reading books. Kawan-kawan ada je ajak lepak-lepak..tapi I don’t feel like it. Sekarang ni macam nak dok rumah hibernate je.

One of my best friends who is now living in Singapore was telling me, how I should be happy because I was given a second chance to start a new life again. She said, deep down inside many of us wish that they could start their life all over again and that I’m blessed to be given that second chance. Come to think of it, maybe she is right and I’m happy to hear that from her. It did give me different perspective of how I should be planning for my life onwards.

Till next time. Have good holidays peeps!