private dancer

Wa pening having this teleconference especially when you have participants with people from India, Singapore, Vietnam and Thailand. Sumer nak tunjuk terror, last-last sumer perangai terrorist keluar. Bingit telinga..wa tulis blog sudahh! Stress sehh! This new job is pretty exciting tapi banyak kerja. Almost 2 weeks asik makan bungkus je kat depan computer ni hah!

Anyways..last nite was almost nightmare.

He text me saying that he went back early and has picked up my daughter and buy food for the kids. I replied and said thank you. And I meant it because this new job is so stressful as there's a lot of things that I need to catch up and sometimes the meeting dragged up to almost 7pm and it helps me a lot if he be back early, pick up kids and buy food. Or else, the stress will add up once I hit the pedal to rush and pick up my daughter from the babysitter. Tu belum kira jemjem! Anyways, he replied my text saying that he want upah for that; show and chat. 

Mmm..as expected, nothing's free. Everything about me is a trade off. If there's no trade he will do it unwillingly and grumbled and said things that's hurtful, detailing out all the things he did like putting in the clothes in washing machine, sweep the floor, wash dishes, hang clothes and everything. He said what's the purpose of marrying me if I could not managed that and because that is not a job of a husband. I was like really?? Hey I look for money too. I can manage all housework tip top and mengankang je kerja..if I'm a full housewife.

So last nite, I came back from office around 7pm and I told him that I'm gonna see optometrist to order my dad's multi focal. My dad has been telling me that his spec is not in good condition and worsen his eyesight and all and gave me testing result done by the doctor during his check ups. So okla, as long as I mampu, I try to fulfill his needs.

So he said he's going with me and asked me to wear my short white dress. The material was not thick so basically can see through body shape and the black g-string that he picked and asked me to wear. Well, that's the trade, I guess.

When we were at the shop, the salesperson was extremely helpful for some reasons. Standing near the racks that have spotlights inside it, created silhouette of my body and budak tu pulak dah terkulat-kulat telan air liur when I slightly bend to see the glasses displayed on the lower rack. Dah stim ler tu! And he just sit on the chair watching that entertainment.

Tak pasal-pasal wa plak terjebak membeli sepek. And I found my kinda glass. Been looking for suitable one like this and this is just perfect! Cantik tak?? Sekali pandang macam Angelina Jolie siotss..dua kali pandang macam Selena Gomez...kekeke perasang mu!

After that we went for an ice cream. It was the first time I had snow ice, an ice cream from a Japan 100Ye shop. Sedap okeh!! Can beat Tutifruit or Berry or Moo anytime and it's just RM4.90. This one is strawberry..and they have toppings of strawberry syrup on top. Unfortunately, the shop is closing down on early May. Oh! Kesedihan :(

So while eating the ice cream, he talked about how that salesperson stim tengok wa..siap kena adjust parking bagai, then he shared about the Africancock he saw in gents that evening. And I was like hah ok..continue to enjoy my strawberry snow ice..Well, it's all about dickhead mann! Is that normal ke supernatural ? Hah!

At home, he said he don't want to fuck me, just want to shove in those black dildo and vibes.  Gosh! With all those toys, I really had multiples o's and seriously I don't give a damn about anything else at that moment. It was awesomestttt!!! I guess the best part for him is to feel the contraction in those holes, when I was having my Os. Ape wa kisah! I was rocking my world babeh!

It has passed 1 hr I think but he said it was not enough. And he was shoving rubberdick and pinning my hands and legs at same time and I ran out of energy..dah sejam dah beb!!. And it was a long one and it went deep sampai senak okay..and painful as he shoved it in without mercy. Sakit siotss..and I was crying asking him to stop because I had enough and was painful, but he didn't and he got excited doing it. He's stronger than me to tie my hand and legs while he kept on pushing it harder and deeper. I feel like my eyes were popping out and have no voice from my throat to stop him. I can barely breathe because I cried and my nose blocked because of the Os that I have earlier. Yeah, its kinda weird too..hidung wa akan berair everytime I reached my O. Macam mamat stone le plak!

And at that moment, my heart questioned is this my fate? Is this what love is? Is this what man suppose to do? Do all husband have the right to do this? Is there anyway out? What am I? I'm a total slut!!

And I close my eyes, tears running down and I look for 'him' to save me again. Until it's all finished, he clean up and rushed to sleep.

And I sambung gosok baju skola budak-budak and bersama-sama pepet yang sakit and slept around 2am I think. Oh! Kesakitan :(

Well, life goes on. It didn't stopped just because your heart been ripped. Just another day to go through hoping for some miracle that I know may not happen to dirty person like me but at least could shed some light for this heart to beat on.

Before I lupa, I also would like to say thank you - whoever you are; for your kind words and encouragement and soalan-soalan yang tidak disangka-sangka yang agak menghiburkan actually. Saya cuba la jawap even though some were quite personal and membuatkan saya rasa macam pakar sakit tuan la plak. And I hope it will do you good in anyways. All were kept as confidential, no worries. So thank you for reading my sluttiest life and hope for good life to you all. :)

ada apa sama cinta

Sometimes I wonder if I ever get to feel decent and romantic fuck again..or whatever do you call it, love making? Where they usually start off with long, wet and hot kisses on the lips, neck and later whole body and the Downunder? And when both bodies become one and ended up both hugging each other and sleep through the night with a smile, no? Hah! Giler jiwang seh..like living in one of those repeated episodes in mills&boon duh!

Anyway..of late, I kinda bored, hate and feel disgusted with all those weird and kinky activities that we had. I just wanna have decent one, but he always wanna drag it to few hours. Tak larat siotss! I feel like a screaming machine sometimes, where you slot in the dildo money, and a scream came out of it. All he wanna do is to shove it in coz I'm a fun to watch. He didn't care how I feel, sakit ke hapa, he just want it his way. And all I can think of, was how suffering it was and to just die ! Eh! tapi tak boleh! Nanti masuk harianmetro or 888 plak! Some catchy headlines to sell - Matidalamkepuasanaksiseksterlampau gitew..

So I breathe, close my eyes and transcend my mind to a place where I can find 'him' - the man that bought me an aspirin when I got migraine, opened the bottle cap for me to drink, kisses that made me float and has one most beautifulcock I've seen so far. A man that belongs to another woman and was looking for something that he can't get with his wife with me. Coz a wife is noble and a responsibility and that a relationship should not be ruined because love of a man and woman was bonded with a vow and yet lust of a man has no boundary (sometimes). A man that wanted to outsource those lust to me yet afraid my acceptance would make me have full control over him. I can but I won't because I want to have at least 1 pure man that appreciates love in my head, even that love is never meant for me. I know by now, man's love is not meant for me (except my blood bonding la). 

So I let him go, let him free his mind of me even there's not a single day passed that I've never thought of him. A man who probably has forgotten of my existence and will never knew how much he means to me. And I don't mind as I have him to save my mind during my sufferings period. His smile and his thoughts saved me many times. Giler mental dowh!! That's all I want to believe right now, because I know deep inside he's still a man, when drilled down, they all have same motives.

So I live in a reality with that imaginary of him, and I'm fine. And I asked myself 'ada apa sama cinta?'

Fuck or fuck off sudahh!!

Ok la..chow! Have a good wet weekend uols. 

Dan saya tujukan khas lagu Buttercup by Brad Shame untuk abang sayang yang jauh di mata, dimana jua abang berada, dengan ucapan kenang daku dalam doa mu. ;)

BusinessJobs

I rushed home during lunch time to send my son to school yesterday. He's not been schooling the whole last week due to fever and bad cough, so I intended to see his teacher to inform her about his condition and to check on school work that he needed to catch up an all. When I arrived at school the teacher was not there, so I waited. Then my son started to cry. He said he's having stomach pain and head ache. So immediately I knew something was not right and it's not headache or any pain crap. Mother kan..of course I know! So I asked him, tell me what's wrong! And it's not any pain because just now he was jumping upside down like any healthy boy. Then he told me, he's scared because there's one boy in Tahun 3 punched him hard on his chest last week and he's afraid that he will punch him again. Sakit mami!! Paru-paru abang rasa macam terbakar! (He's dramatic like me..so I'm cool) and I was so geramm!! 

I told him that I've cut my pepet and have it sewed with a big needle that looked like a fishing hook struggled my life to bring him to this world and I've never punched him on his chest, who the hell gave that boy to hit you! Mak marah okay!! And at same time I do understand that some boys can be naughty. So I told him, I'm telling his teacher or else he will have an issue to go to school and that boy may have bullied some other kids besides him. So after talking to the teacher, I gave back his lost spirit. I told him that he needs to be strong. He's my only son and he need to protect his sister and that's a huge responsibility. I told him if that boy hit him again, no  matter how painful it is or no matter how strong or big that boy is, I want him to stand up and hit him back...tak kena banyak pon..at least give him sedebik dua..then you can tell the teacher (of coz I didn't tell that infront of his teacher..heheh). And I told him not to be a coward..because mummy is not like that. I used to fight with ChongHwa boys in my school bus and at that time I was only 7 years old. Mummy memang tak takut okay!! Then I could see him got a bit spirited about it..if not muka dah pucat dah..I asked him to drink and he salam and kiss me before I left him for the assemble. Oh my baby boy!! In some ways, he is so like me, the way he think and he has my charm too. Anyways..when he came back from school yesterday, I asked him what had happened? Did the teacher called that boy?

He told me ; Yes mummyyy..cikgu displin panggil budak tu..pastu bukan abang sorang je kena bully..ada 4 orang..ada yang kena cekik, sepak ngan tumbuk tau..pastukan cikgu tu marah budak tu sampai budak tu nangis..pastu cikgu suruh budak2 yang kena buli tu buat balik apa derang kena kat budak tu (boleh ke?)... pastu kena rotan..tapi sekarang ada lagi sorang yang buli jugak..tapi budak tu taknak cakap..

See I told you kan abang.. mommy know all this. So abang pukul balik tak budak tu ? He said he didn't because he don't want to. I told him if he has forgave him coz it has passed that's noble. Self defense and revenge is two different thing. I'm not sure if he understand, but I hope he will one day. Haihhh tough la nak membesarkan budak2 ni..not so much of taking care of them, but the kinda values and frame of reference you want to implant in their head. Takut la salah ajar..kang jadik kuang ajar plak..kekeke

Well, that's one exciting story for me yesterday. I'm so proud and satisfied that I'm there with him during his challenging moments of growing up.

Ok enough on kids..now back to bapak pulak.

After few days he was in silence mode, he ended up pujuk me. I guess he got the message that I'm not going to be the one to say sorry anymore or even start the reconciliation. He knew that by saying that he didn't care, I took charge of myself. I can bring out the kids or go anywhere without telling him, because he already said he didn't care (lantak u lah nak buat apa) and he don't want to know. Well I guess, he ate his own words.

Last night I fall asleep on the sofa while folding mountains of dry clothes and watching tv at same time. I was startled to find his face near me and ask me to sleep inside. And so the next day, which is on Sunday, he's talking again, took us to breakfast and bring my son to buy his things while I finished off house chores. I told my son, anything he wanted on Sunday to go and bug his father. I mean I've spent the whole Saturday evening with the kids to attend their needs - kakak wanted to watch movie HungerGames, abang wanted to add crab to his fishery collections (me and my son are loyal customer (mana tak loyal..ikan asik mati je..)to this kedai ikan and mamat rock kat kedai ikan tu mmg usha wa, and my son get 1 free ikan all the time).. and adik want to visit her cousins house to play BarbiePrincessCharm together. And I layan all of them, else sumer monyok jer..So I've told them Sunday, mummy dah flat and need to be bibik already. And when I started to talk about multiplying like NarutoShippuden to attend all their needs..they said..Mummy Naruto tu kartun la..not real. Duh!

So on Sunday morning, he was lying on the bed and surfing the net and was gigling. I just ignore him trying to complete my work. When he ask me to come sit next to him to watch video and showed me some vid on how some man wank themselves. So I was like ok.nothing's new. Then he told me this is how the wanking should be like and what I should be asking from my bf ; what's the correct angle and where to focus. He likes to see how those taksunatskin moves up and down and see how the red head protruding without the skin...yumms?

He said that he gets so satisfied and high just by watching those wankers. And I told him since that suffice, you no need la pic or vid from me. He told me he still wants mine coz its original.. ok duh!!

I told that I gave him many pics already. And he said that I've haven't gave him yang taksunuat punya. He said if I can give him that, I can go fuck with anyone I want without his consent. Yeah right!

So that Sunday..since I'm having menses, I ended up giving him good BusinessJobs..which I totally like it..tapi tak puas sioutsss..time like this always left me in a makan-tapi-tak-kenyang state..huk huk..well anywaysss.. I was told that was what I'm good at..so okayy..basically to be good senang je beb..you need to cover 3 main areas ; the head, the stick and the balls. The rest you just let your imagination works. Tadaaa..ok la dah merapu sangat dah ni..

Have a good weekend uoulss..

*Having 21 Guns GreenDay untuk hari yang sangat stress..I soo need this weekend

1Q end

The first quarter has closed. The past few days were most busiest and craziest days. Stresses were mounting like shit and when people started to act like dumb ass. Anyways..it's also good for me to re asses what I've achieved so far.

It's all about stability, security and future needs in case anything happened, I'm prepared and can support my kids. Or if I'm dead, pray for me. I guess over times I'm getting more sensible to what kinda shit I'm in. I'm able to set my emotions and feelings aside and be objective on things that I'm suppose to do. So basically it's about performing my responsibility as wife and mother. No doubt I love my kids, but with him it's just making sure that he's comfortable as much as possible.

1. I'm blessed that I've got a promotion with effect this month. Not sure how much increment I would get, hopefully it will be at least $1K la..sedap sket..but of course it comes with heavier responsibility and different pressure. I love my job and I'm getting good pay for it. So syukur.
2. I need to be more cautious with my spending. Need to reduce spending on those bags and shoes and make ups and hairs and clothes. I need to pile up my savings yang tak berapa menarik tu..It's about time I have few grands in my account la. I need to be secretive about my money as well, else he would make his plan for it - ask me to pay things and then buat-buat lupa plak. When I got married to him, I don't know how much money he's doing. It doesn't matter to me really. But I got pissed when his dad told me that he knew my salary and all. Well I got to know later that his dad like to know and compare everybody's salary and earnings. Duh! And he is very calculative with his money. He said I pay all the foods for breakfast and dinner because I don't cook. And when I ask for money, he gave me face. Malass siotss. Rasa macam pengemis nak kasik anak makan sendiri. I remember there's one day we went to EPF for housing withdrawals. And he asked if I had put in the EPF nominees upon my death, I said not yet. So he took the form and asked me to fill up. So dengan rela hatinya.. I put his name and submit. Then I asked him did he put my name. He said he need to think first and end up putting my kids name and mine? zitsss..I don't care about the money, but it's a testament to his trust and love. For me, when I'm dead, those money have no use to me. I just wish that it will help him and my kids to move on comfortably. That's all. And I asked him, why didn't he put my name? He said that I will happily enjoying the money when he's dead, buy convertible car, have lotsa man and forgot about the kids. I was like wow..never thought of that. After all those sacrifices I've made, he really think of me that way. Well..I would probably just do that I guess, though I definitely will not ignore my kids.
3. I'm in process of fighting back. I try to ignore his request. When he didn't get what he wants, he will insult me. And worst, he will beg me to say that I should have understand him and that's the only way to make him fuck me and satisfy him and I pity him, so I gave in. When he insulted me the next day, I told him whatever fucks I had with other man was a lie, he was angry. He said that I'm just too ashamed to admit that I'm such a whore, that every man came in contact with me only to fuck and nothing else and that's how cheap I am. I just ignore it. So for few weeks now, he's like in a detox session. He stopped surfing the net for se#stories or se#vid, because he said mine are the best and he can't see me in their stories. So wa tak layan..all he did now is to sleep. So I feel good and free..hehehe
4. He asked me that day 'you dah jadi baik ke sekarang? or you dah tak laku lagi ?' I just told him, I malas nak layan. And again, he will said ' if you want me to fuck you tonite, set a chat with so and so. Baru la semangat sikit. So I malas nak layan. So that nite he asked again.. so is it on? I told him..nobody's around to chat..so he pretend to sleep. And before he slept, he said 'you go and fuck yourself..you know where it is! And I was like okayyyy..yayyy...so I blast my brain off having multiple clit-Os with the vibrators..kinda funny though..dok mengerang meraung sorang2 atas katil while he's sleeping..but watehek..I'm in my own world of ecstasy mann...who can give me multiple Os like adildo can? So far nooo.. sorry arr..but that's the benchmark la kan..hehehe.. but like I said..it's still not a complete course until you get that hardhotbloodedcock into you cunt for closure. So pepandai la to make it stand up for you for nice closure kan. So I'm selfish like that la..opssie terbabas plak. So I'm happy.
5. He's not talking to me last few days. I've lost track for what reason anyways. His fault finding on me are no ending stories. When I'm ignoring his nagging, he turn it on to the kids, sampai the kids pon confused and sad. So I took them out to eat last nite, coz he don't ask whether the kids have eaten or not. For him that's my responsibility. So before I went out, I asked him if he want to follow or what he wants to eat? After few times asking , then he said he's not eating. So me and kids went out to eat K-epchi. And when we came back, and kids were about to sleep, he started to ask my daughter where she went and what she had for dinner and did she bought anything for him. Budak kecik tu cakap la takde, and he said that he wanted to eat bread and ask her to pity him as he has nothing to eat  for dinner. Wa buat bodo je la..that was so predictable. Dalam hati cakap la..padan muka. Last time when he sulked up, I still bought him food but he didn't touch it, last2 buang je. He always like to make me feel guilty of everything, but I don't feel that anymore. I'm learning how to be cruel in order to be good I guess.
6. Last but not least, I need to keep my 5 times prayer. Asik terbabas je. I know my meeting schedules are crazy, I need to be good in slotting time for it. Else everything will have no meaning. I know.

So basically, this quarter has made a good progress and it's about controlling him, taking charge of my happiness, keeping the money and sex? I think I had enough with man. If there's no need for them, I just keep them in that begging games. Jahat siotsss...muahahaha..

Ni dipanggil mulut donald duck.. I've bought very red lipstick yesterday..tersilap color actually..mine normally not that red. It drew different kinda reaction and attention yesterday..mmm..tis is something new that I've learned..no wonder sexy women wear daring red..and I'm still learning..Mmmm..nak pi test jap la..if its long lasting..muahahaha