privacy please ?

He will usually lay on the bed and check my mobile phones and identify those odd number that I received during office hours. He would tie that or this number relate to John or Sam or Remy and would asked me to verify. And I would just laugh and told him its the bank calls to remind me about payments that's due. And that would make him pissed off. Hell yeah!

He would also check my office emails, internal chats, pictures and histories of all my web visits. He has all my log on passwords in my laptop. He said that I should give him all the passwords, unless I have something to hide. And because I hate for him to think that way and prolonged on some stupid arguments, I gave in. The fact that I just want to have some privacy and a lil space of my own. Don't I deserve that ? I consoled myself that at least I have my yahoo messenger, facebook and blogs that didn't get hacked. Hell yeah it got complicated even more.

There's one day that I forgot to log off properly from my notebook. As usual, he would use my notebook to surf and I got all my YM's on, yahoo and gmails happily displayed for him. Lovely! He was extremly overwhelmed with that discovery. Oh well, besides all the chat lists, he also read all my emails, including those that's in thrash and spam list. And I felt that I've been stripped all over. There's nothing left for me to keep for myself. Nothing. My phone, my cyberworld all are now his. I guess when you're owned, you're entitled for nothing. Privacy is meant for individual and not someone like me.

Apparently that finding really excites him. He said that he's thankful coz I'm willing to share all that with him (like I have a choice) and he loves me for that. He asked me to send email to any guy that lure for me, and to ask him if he wanna have some play with me. I gave excuses of course (I got reputation to secure), but he didn't take disappointment well and so I wrote an email to Lee to satisfy him. Lee is a fat Chinese guy that always been hinting of getting between my legs. He always said I'm his MILF but he always regard me as an open minded and honourable women . And the only reason I keep in contact with Lim is for me to have some story to tell Addy about it. About how Lim would love to fuck me. Though most of the time I need to add lots of imaginations to it, to make it sounds so kinky. And Addy just love that.

And that moment, we ended up fucking on the sofa in a doggy style - while I'm writing email on my notebook and Addy thrusting his hardcock from behind. Damn is was a good fuck!!

And the next morning, when Lim asked me if I did sent him some intriguing invitation, I have no choice but to pretend that I knew nothing about it. I got my reputation to protect. I'm not sure if he believed it, but he said he would be most lucky guy if it really happened. Phew!!

Numbness

It has been almost 3 days now. He didn't talk much or eat my cooking. I need to ask him few times before he would reply in just a mumble.

I know he's angry with me coz he felt that I did not respect him as my husband. And it all be for the same reason - I did not share with him all those flirtatious words I had with guys I chat with. Not that I don't want to share, but I had none. The fact that I'm really tight up with my work and that I have no time to chat. And when I told him that, he thinks that I'm lying and that I just wanna hide it from him. He got so frustrated with me that above all his consent to let me flirt and fuck with other man, I'm still not being truthful towards him. That I'm a disrespectful, ungrateful person for using those privileges to have fun just for my fuckingself.

What more could I say than hoping that a good fuck with him tonite will make him forget about it and love me for it.

What am I ?

I'm not sure where to start or how to tell part of my life that started almost 5 years ago. But I know I have to write this somewhere for reasons I predict could happen someday. And I pray God will always give me courage and faith to stand this challenge as long as I could. And if you know me and are reading this, then you know that you're reading this for some reasons that I've listed below. Love is sacred. But when love is used to manipulate mind, body and soul, it got mutilated.

• I need to write this because I have no one to turn to. I can't tell anyone coz I do not want to use and be used under this circumstances, I mean I try not to. But sometimes when I'm in desperation of finding my way out, I let myself to use and be used and I'm so sorry for that.
• I need to write this because if I'm dead, no one would ever know the real story of me.
• I need to write this because I want you to know that I was never a whore. Please forgive me for not being one. I was never a good wife because I can't never be a good whore. Your license for me to fuck around and tell was never been used so far as I always come out with reasons to avoid from doing it. Forgive me for the disappointment. Thanks to you, fucking is now my forte though it could never satisfy you, coz I can never be a whore.
• I want you to know that my mind, body heart and soul, after all these years are severely tormented by your game, words, humiliations and hates. And I will always forgive you.
• I know you love me, but you have always love yourself more. And I understand that coz after all these manipulations I myself begin to believe that I'm a whore and deserve not to be loved at all. I can never be a good wife or mother. Even as a women I will always seen despicable in your eyes. I'm no use unless your sex drive is fulfilled. And that's the only time you would kiss me and said that you loved me. And that's the only moment I feel worth.
• You always make it clear you're my savior. That despite of the whore I am, you still love me. How honorable of you to love me for who I am and that no other person is willing to do that for me. And because of the whore I am, for more than 5 years, there is no single day passed by without you reminding me how low life person I am. And I would just smile about it coz I know you just love doing that. And I just hope nothing but happiness for you.
• I need to write this coz I'm just afraid that out of desperation to fulfill your sexual needs, I end up doing things that I should not be doing if I'm sensible.
• I write this coz I'm losing myself and there's no way out of here. I need to stay coz they need me more than I need myself. This is my life. Welcome to the story of my twisted love.

- Marissa -