Well..it's been a loooong time. I even forgot my gmail password..was it fuck4me or fuck2you or bl0wj0b..mak lupa noks!! Cuba punya cuba baru dapat..rupanya...11ckmypussy..ok fine!
Anyways...life has changed tremendously for the past 3 months. It has reached to a level where I never thought it could happen. Never! I've lost hope in finding my own happiness for long period. There's no purpose of life except to continue being a sacrificial lamb to satisfy his sick sex fantasy. No future lies ahead except either one of us is dead and that will resolve the whole problems. That the drive and breath I take is for the sake of seeing my kids living their life happily. The thought of telling myself that I do deserve for happiness, no longer exist. My life is about diversions, because I always feel like I'm living in a cage. You will fly and fly around the cage deceiving your thoughts that you're flying around the world freely.
My diversions has always been...men?? Nah..they are boringggg babe.. Same ole lame stories..you cantik-body-mantop-I-wanna-taste-you-baby kinda lines. Tak berkembang noks otak mak..dah la kat umah you're being fed with tom dick and harry hairy stories..jumpa jantans pon citer benda sama babe..bohsan mak!!
So..my diversions has always been books, e-books and blogs. Mak tak baca ye blogs beutipulnara.muraidotcom dik..I spent my time reading at the library when the kids were hanging out there, on the bed and whenever time I can squeeze in. I read all sort of books but my interest has always been about politics, economics, science, history and religions. I adrift myself with readings because that's where I can find a place solely for myself. Where I can have thoughts on my own and where I can questions everything about anything. Where in real, my life is about being controlled and dictated of what to think and how to do things in life. Reading books free me, I guess.
The reason I'm telling you all this..bukan la nak poyo cakap wa ni golongan terpelajar (walau pun memang) tapi sebab bukulah my life change abruptly. You see..when you read things..you have to go in as a beginner where you questions anything or everything. You can't learn something with the intention of arguing what's right or wrong. You can do that later. Your mind need to be free from all preconceived notions. Otherwise there's no point of reading if you think you've already know everything la. Otherwise, tak yah la baca buku or blogs..bukak je website EPL or Beutipulnara tu..tengok je gambo-gambo retis idaman..senang..
I got to know a group of people that reads a lot. The first time I went to the group discussion I was introduced to the members. I was so thrilled and excited to be part of the group. Most of them were old men or in their 40s and came from highly intellectual background. The discussion was mind stimulating and I felt so inspired when I went back home that day. Few days later, I got an email from the group leader asking me if he can give my email address to one of the member who's interested to know my quest in joining the group. Well, I have high respect of those people in the group and so I was not being skeptical about it.
And so it began. The acquaintance with this man was decent. He is a genius, funny and a very handsome man. Package baekk babe!! Yes, I smile and feel happy whenever I'm with him. I've never shared anything about the dark secret of my life to any man before, but with him I told everything. I've never intended to, but he was so observant and able to capture and sense that something was not right in some of my statements in our conversations. Jantans lain takde babe..masa borak..masa tu je la dok imagine kita bogel and klu boleh dah nak main atas meja makan tu terus jer..
Well..man being man they are still subject to the human's nature need to evolve and conquer the world and remain the dominant species on earth. Well..with him I don't mind if he's drooling or thinking of exploring my body and getting inside me while we were talking about history of the world or the definition of E=MC2..Mak x kisah dah..selama ni he always accused me of being unfaithful.. and now I'm making it real for him, to realize his fantasies kan.. Hamik ko!
So to cut long story short. My long prayer has been answered. How I've asked for a way out, has finally came right in front of me. I know I've made 2 attempts of running away from him but then things didn't worked out as planned. He came persuaded me back to him and as usual using the kids as his weapon to make me come back to him and keep me.Life went back to same cycle of hell again. How I wish that someone would just come and pull me out of this mess, because I no longer have the might and courage and hope to end this sorrow, has finally showed up.
And yes he came. If I manage to pull myself out of this mess and finally find my freedom and happiness, he is all the reason behind this. The genius mastermind my savior and guardian angel. I am so blessed to have met him. He is the constant driver to wake me up from this nightmare and guide me how things should be and done. When you deal with an abuser, manipulator, control freak, narcissist, sex manic and psychopath husband you need to understand their traits in order to counter them back. I don't have the might and stable mind to think rationally at same time trying to understand what I have become. The effect of being abused and manipulated for 15 years had surely left unrecoverable damage to my self worth. It's not an easy task to make it back on normal track because many things that I may consider normal may not be true. And I even thought that I could change him?? Watefak really!
Well, that was how confused I was back then. In actual fact, he can't even change himself, so how could I be changing him? I need to save myself first in order for me to save my kids. The kids was ruined and damaged. They have grown up living with their horrible father to learn how to disrespect the mother, bullying and telling lies. No matter how hard I tried to instill good values to the kids, they still look up their father who portray himself to be pious yet insult their mother and abused her everyday. The kids would grow up thinking that is normal. You do bad things, then you go to mosque or pray for forgiveness and you can do it all over again. The perception that were embedded into the kids get wrong. And the kids grow up to be his co abuser without me realizing it. Whereas all this years I've been sacrificing myself staying with a devil for sake of the kids and if they turned out to be one, I can't never forgive myself for that. A guilt that I will carry with me if that happen. It hurt me so much to feel the betrayal from my kids after what I have done to them, though I can't deny that they may not know the real truth as the father has brainwashed them by playing victim.
He makes me realized that I was brought to this world not to be abused and hamba kat dia. Even Apartheid pon dah abolished. And to think what a husband did to his wife is not acceptable in any modern moral standard or even a caveman standard. From thereon, he was being serious about the action that I need to take. Sometimes I even thought, as if macam dia la plak kena abused. Then I understand reason why and how he can feel my hurt and pain so deep. He cried for me and he gave up on me few times too, because I'm still with my old habits being subjugated to him. This is when he will come out with his father's saying.."you can bring horses to the river, but you can't make them drink" Huhuhu.
Then he taught me how to fight! How to fight fire with fire or dynamite. How I was stupid last time, sacrificing myself for nothing and I need to stop being stupid anymore by leaving this hell I'm in (this is when he will start imitating MatYo's wife ..aku tak bodo..aku tak bodo thingy..hahaha lawokss). How he never met an intelligent woman like me..a compulsive thinker..Melayu plak tu. Ni memang ayat terbaekk..I'm not that impressed when people talk about my beauty coz I got it all the time. But when a man told me that I'm intelligent..mak memang hanyut noks!!! Sukeee...Iyola ..kat umah asik kena panggil bodoh, lembu..pelacur..ape cer bro!!
My life was filled up with new perspective about relationship, bringing up kids, values, intellectuality and love. Sumer lah! Life seems wonderful and having him around, seems surreal.
He brought me to consult social workers at one of the Women's Organization in which I was given a new perspective of how I was wrong all these while thinking that I can change him and save my kids. The only solution to this is to get out of that life and save myself first. As long as I'm with him, he will always has an object that is me, to insult and abuse. He has been using the kids to keep me and ruining the kids silently at same time. The kids will grow up thinking what the father's doing and treatment are normal and has the potential to be as their father - an abuser. That hit me hard.
I can already see the effect of it because my beloved son has now dare to be rude to me with his words and my daughter are keeping her distance. Only my little daughter who is still close to me in which I pour all my love on her as I felt that she's the only one who still needs the love of a mother. Whatever it is, I'm still their mother, the one that brought them into this world and love them unconditionally.
But I need to do what's right, even at stake of leaving them. It may sounds cruel but I guess I don't owe anyone an explanation on that since I'm the one who need to take the responsibility to end this madness.
For almost a month ago, I was raped by him almost twice a day, everyday. He would dragged me in middle of night, while I was asleep and early in morning, before his Subuh prayer. I even slept in my daughter's room with locked doors for almost 2 weeks. He got pissed off with my action and started to bang the door early in morning asking me to open the door. And when I opened it, he insulted me by saying - ingat I nak rogol sangat pepet besar you tu!! Righttt!!! Then when my daughter came into the room early in the morning to kiss me and left the door unlocked, he came in and force on me. I can't recall how many times I had my tears run down my cheeks or sometimes I just closed my eyes till it's over. I don't know how to describe the feeling I had, it was just numbness.
When I asked him why he did that, he said it's because he's afraid that I go and fuck with other man. At same time he said he knew that I'm good and faithful but I got easily seduced by man. Everyday?? I asked. 'Yes..because I'm afraid that you got fuck other man.'
Duhhhh!!! This is how the mind of a psychopath works, they will punish you based on their own deluded mind. There's nothing wrong with them or their doings but others. That's how I got manipulated and controlled over years. Living with insults and guilt and to believe that they were all my fault and to have reached to level of acceptance that they no longer gives you any pain.
So I've hired a lawyer to file for divorce and served him summon with long list of reasons for the divorce. Before I did that I've already taken all the necessary evidences and made police reports to protect myself because reason of the writ summon were related to mental and sexual abuse.
I packed my clothes and stuff and cramped everything in my car that morning. I can still recalled clearly how kakak had her tears running on her cheek and hugging my son against my chest while rubbing his head.
Abang..mami tak balik dah rumah ni ye. Mami kena pergi.. I have to do what I have do. Abang mungkin tak faham lagi, tapi satu hari nanti..mami akan cerita kat abang ye. And he was crying begging me not to go.. Mami please jangan tinggal abang..please mami..abang sayang mami.. as he was crying heavily. I cried hugging him tight, wishing that I could hold him forever, but I need to let him go. The sadness to me as mother really crucified me, because I know it will never be the same again. I will always love him forever but he will never love me the same again for leaving him. He will always have the perception that his mother has left him, and that hurts me so much.
I consoled him saying that I'm only going to stay at my mom's house and will come and see him on weekends. He continued crying and run inside the house. I drove out slowly looking back at the house of sorrow with mixed feeling. Sad for leaving the kids yet with hope for better life for myself. I said to myself that this is the right thing to do and the kids will be fine.
So now I'm back at my mom's house, with bags of clothes, travel mattress and a pillow to sleep. I've left everything behind me in exchange of my freedom from being the object of abuse from an estranged husband. Came
to think of it, I'm in wrong for letting myself hurt, humiliated abused
by a man who think he is the god of a woman! Mafaker!
I've left all the stuff I bought in that house for my kids - bedroom sets, wardrobe, sofa, flat screen tv, electric cooker and oven, fridge, dining table and ntah la apa lagi. I guess the only thing I want to take from that house is just my small study table and lamp and book rack. But then again I would just leave it to my kids so that they will always remember that mummy used to sit and read and study and did her work at that table. I just hope that one day, they will understand how I treasure that only little space I had in that home and use it to study.
I've attended the mention day at Mahkamah Syariah last week, but he didn't showed up. My lawyer has asked for new hearing date in few weeks time as there maybe some intention from him to do out of court settlement. So it was set again 2nd week of Jan next year. It was indeed a very tough week for me. Life is tough emotionally. I'm trying hard not to cry every time I talked to my kids over the phone because they don't deserve the sadness. When nobody's around I cried because I missed them so much. I'm trying hard not to breakdown because I just felt so alone. I may have my guardian angel to look after me, but he can't be hovering over my shoulder all the times, he got other things to do too. And I'm just afraid if I take wrong steps in life again, I just felt lost sometimes I guess. I know I will get over this but it will take some time and it's painful.
He kept on texting me with pujuk rayu and crying asking me to forgive him and come back to the house for sake of the kids. Saying that he will change and to start all over again. He said he's wiling to give time for me think and even asked me to stay at my daughter's room so that the kids still feel my presence around the house. Hati mak dah kering nokss!! No way! Until last Sunday, after my son's guitar class, I sent him back and when he reached the house, he quickly run to the toilet sebab sakit perut nak buang air besar. So I brought in his guitar and some fruits I bought for my daughter into the house. The moment I put the stuff on the table, he quickly locked the door. I've already had uneasy feeling and walk to the door to leave. Suddenly he grabbed me by my waist pulled me down on the sofa in the living hall. He started to kiss me hard and had his hand under my shirt and started to caress my breast.
I tried to push him away and kept on telling him to go away and not to do that, but he didn't stopped. Then I saw kakak came down from stairs and she got stunned looking at his father pinning my hand on the sofa. I taught I was saved. But then he stood up and carried me from the sofa to upstairs into the room and locked the door. I remembered I waved my hand to my daughter, crying and saying in sad voice - Kakak..tolong mami kakak. as he carried me upstairs into the room. She just stood there with her jaw a bit dropped, blank expression and don't know what to do.
I cried as he forced himself into me and it was painful, but the worst part was that feeling being humiliated, mutilated and your self worth is being ripped over and over again. I know he has the intention to make me pregnant again just to keep me, but it didn't materialized babeh! Mak pandai sikit noks! Once he's done, I washed myself quickly and kissed my kids and get myself out of the house and drove off. I don't know where to go and what to do, so I parked my car at the RnR and slept feeling stupid and frustrated like shit.
I was so furious and scolded him as to why he raped me again and to have my daughter witnessed that incident could have traumatized her. He said it's because I was so hot and attractive and he's unable to resist himself and that's why he need to fuck me for last. Like shit!! That was a typical psychopath or rapist answer to justify what he had done. Never had he thought his action was wrong. It was again my fault to be seductive to him and that he can't resist and so it's ok to rape me. Memang gila!!!
Btw in Syariah Law, there's no term on marital rape ya. Marital rape charges cannot be part of the divorce reason. So technically, betul la..kerja pompuan ni mengangkang je kerja. If you get an understanding husband, pepandai la suami tu pi pecah kan kepala paip tu..tak pon blajo blajo la berzikir biar reda sket tsunami tu. Tapi klu kena laki yang gila macam ni, blakang unta pon dia tibai beb! Lahanat ahhh!!! What an injustice to women! Sapa nak bela? Bukan semua lelaki tu baik!! Kesian. Klu tak percaya, pergi la mahkamah Syariah tu, dengar perbicaraan. Almost 90% of the Plaintiffs were women. Sedih siotss!!! Lagi sedih, negara omputih pon recognize marital rape as a crime and protect the women.
Anywayss..
My wish and hope that this will end soon and smooth and if it will take forever, to let me have the strength for me to carry on please. My favorite words, may the universe conspire to make this for the best of me.
Afgan - Untukmu Aku Bertahan
