Jiweng seh..tittle tu..tapi layan je ler..
Sebenarnya, malas dah nak hupdate dah blog ni. Maybe coz the fact that my life is getting better?
Everyday is a compact activity for me. And I slot time to write this, just because I feel like it :)
When it comes to weekend, lagi la super compact nye. Sometimes, during weekend, all I want to have is an hour of sleep lepas lunch..macam ular sawa..kasik perut buncit sket..uhh bliss..what more if its raining. Nyaman seh!
But since I don't have any bibik to help, semua house chores kena la buat. And while doing that, kita kasik multi tasking la jugak ; the kids need to do their homework or work assessment. I don't have time to send them to tuition, lagi pon mak dia pandai, apa kes nak anto budak2 ni pi tuition. All you need is time and consistency and LOTSSS of patience. Stress weiii ajor budak2 ni. Then kena bawak kids jalan-jalan lagi, kalau tak bawak merajuk. Malam kalau tak melayan bapak budak pulak, merajuk jugak. Tapi by the time malam, your body is too tired and you can't even open your eyes. Nak tak nak you open your legs je la. Settle! Everyone's happy and life feels complete.
Few things I've experienced and learn - it's all in your heart. You have to be true to yourself. You can lie to others but you can never lie to your heart, because when you do, your mind and body will get confused, and so do your actions and things that evolve around you. Life revolves and depend a lot from our action and reaction, consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously..boleh?. Things can move and change, but what remains and need to be firm is what lies in your heart. It needs to stay pure. Not saying this to make me sounds macam bagus..at least that is what I want to achieve. Not an easy task really.
When I read back my previous post, a lot of things I hope, though I never thought would happen, tend to fit it all well.
I was hoping that he would change, and yes he slowly is. My heart always says to fight back and I did, overcoming my fear of brutality and what ever that may comes. I came to realized that there might be some slack in the way he was brought up during his chilhood. I just want to make sure that won't happen to my kids. The way he feels inferior by cursing me or belittle me in any ways in front of the kids. It was a tough fight to make sure the kids didn't absorb that.
I begin to ask myself. When will I open my heart to love him? Or did I ever love him? How would I do that? I know I still can't say I love him till today. It's not healthy living this way. I came to a point that since I can't leave him, I need to make him a man that I can love and live with. I need to change him if not fully at least to an acceptable level where my heart can open for him. I can’t dictate my heart how to feel coz it has its own life to see if he fits in there for me. But technically, I can work to change him, I think.
He knows that I'm financially independent but I'm not giving him the thoughts that he can uplift his commitments too. He was not that helpful when I had financial hard times. I don't keep grudge towards him, just that he needs to learn his lesson.
My life is much more peaceful now. I no longer need to depict him with fantasy of me fucking man. And all those men, gradually disappeared from my life. I totally enjoyed the dismissal part. They begged and ask for reasons, and I make it less painful gitu..hahaha..biasala..dalam kepala hotak derang citer nak main je..tapi lu berlakon wa pon berlakon bro! I even use script that my ex-bf used when he ditched me long time ago for a woman with bigger breast on them. Hah! Fuck la!
So what I need to do now is that I need to make a deal with him. Worst case an ultimatum, in which I need to write about this, so it’s documented. It's now my game! I set the rules. And the objective is our happiness as a family. My kids need a happy family and I need a man that I can love and live with till I grow old.
I've given him my many years satisfying his fucked up sex fantasy and the time is up.. He needs to deal with his fucked up sex crave on his own now.
Then only my heart will open for him again.
