At this point, I think I'm pretty clear and compose with my life despite the worry of not having any job to pay my bills for next few months. Looking for jobs are something that actionable so I guess it's matter of time. I need to patiently wait and hope that something good will pop up eventually. So far I have attended 2 interviews which were not successful. Sometimes I just don't get what went wrong, but I think I can sense what they were. Some post I applied were lower than my last position and even though I'm ok to lower my expected pay, but it's still at their higher end budget. Well, it's fine. I haven't gone through interview sessions for long time anyway. Usually I was the interviewer, so it was another learning experience for me to be sitting on other side of the chair. I have another 2 interviews next week, but I need to sit for test prior to that. Fuh, it's been a while amik test nih. Tatau la pass ke tak. Mak cuba je lah! Kalau tak dapat, cuba yang lain.
Initially, I got frustrated and demotivated when those interviews were unsuccessful. Then I realized it's actually the part of me that can't accept any rejection from one after another and not knowing the exact reason. Similar to my relationships, being abandon without any closure and it's happening at same period. It hits me that life is teaching me hard and is telling me something. Why is it the thing that I need most at this time are drifting apart from me? I kept thinking what it is that life wants me to learn? I'm not sure yet, but having this composure facing all these challenges is part of the learning process, and I like it. I feel wiser.
I don't have any regrets to what had happened to me. I see it all coming because I plan for it consciously and subconsciously and somehow expected the outcome, because sometime it's kind inevitable anyway. Sometimes I can sense that the universe understands me well, that all the path and words I said seems to fall into its places on a perfect timing to create another wonderful chapter of my life story be it good or bad. Waiting how the chapter of the story ends excites me.
There were nights before I went to sleep, I talk. I'm not sure to whom I talk to, is it to God or Universe or myself, I'm not sure. What's for sure is that, I thanked to all of them, to God and to all the particles in between this space and time in this Universe, for being there for me when I'm all alone. I'm blessed for happiness that I'm having right now and I thankful for all those good people that come into my life to support me. All of them. I'm blessed for this wonderful life and I wish the same for all that have been good to me. With all my heart. I talk and I smile. It soothes and calm to hear my own voice vibrates to each part of my body and nerves. It's a session for me to understand me at another level.
Every morning I woke up, I looked outside my window and smile to those tress greeting me in the morning and whispered - thank you. I can't help it. It's just wonderful to connect to nature and everything around you. You see, when you're staying alone and know that you're on your own with no one you can depend on, your sense of awareness to the raw being around your heighten. You only have your senses to guide you and to help make sense to you when in need. You begin to listen to trust only yourself because that's all you got. Your physical embodiment that connects to your inner self. You respect your inner self because they gives you strength, patience, awareness and calmness when you're left alone with your own being. You begin to feel indebted for all the joy it provides that it's a total betrayal not to be truthful and true to yourself, because your inner self knows, no matter what shit you're trying to lie. I try as much as possible to be true to myself because if I didn't, I feel like I'm poisoning the growth and a whole universe inside me.
I know life always have issues but you can't let those issues clouded the other wonderful things that are happening around you. It's hard but I try to be fair to life that has given me so much blessing which sometimes I overlooked and take for granted. I'm sorry. And for that I forgive those that have hurt me badly without their intention to do so but due to circumstances.
I forgive them and let go, so I can find peace in me and they can find theirs. Life has been good to me and I can't be selfish.
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