Jobless and dumped

It's been 2 months now since I've lost my job. Miserable? Yes! Feeling out of control and all fucked up? Totally! Getting into state of depression? Yes! On and off! There were days I just sit or lay on bed or couch, watching back to back Netflix episodes or just staring outside of my window. I didn't go out except to throw out garbage just because I can't bare the thought that insects may call it their home too. I didn't bathe until I stink and I don't feel like talking to anyone, not even my best friend. I find my group chats lame and annoying and I hate it very much. I feel like I want to leave all chat groups and even think of leaving the country. Leave everything else and just run from everyone. Sometimes at night, I cried so hard I felt like my lung gonna explode. I cried until I have no voice and my mouth dried or until I fall asleep with tears soaking my pillow. It's a double fucked up when I lost my job and love of my life. I just feel so tired and hopeless.

Those that knew were giving hope and trying to sound positive about it. Well, I do appreciate their concern, but I'm a person who doesn't believe merely words until it's proven. I know they're being nice, but I don't really need that. I don't like being sympathized and seen weak. Sounds arrogant but I'm not. Those sweet talks were a bit useless for me because I don't want to be diverted from the reality that I've lost my job and I need to find one. Above all, I don't want to worry them with my issues coz they all have their own issues too. I can handle this, and so I thought.

The fact that I need to handle this alone is kinda sad. Sometimes all I need is just someone to ask me how am I doing and really meant it. Someone to hug and tell me that it's gonna be ok, Well, no one asked. It's either they think I'm all ok or don't bother or don't want to know or they have their own issues, so why add more? I never bother about having people ask me if I'm ok or not before, but this time it's really hard for me. Sometimes I just need some validation that someone really care. 

It's sad because in my own misery I'm the one that always ask how they're doing and ended up being their lending ears to all their issues and swallowed mine. I understand that everyone have issues and I know how it feels when no one bother to ask how you're doing. Sometimes I wish someone could do the same to me. For the past 2 months, only 1 person asked me if I'm ok and I almost cried because someone did ask. That's enough for me to know someone sincerely asked. But of course, I replied everything's fine though I so much wanted to pour it all out. But of course, again, it's unfair to unload your misery to others just because they asked. I know I need to get a grip, suck it up and handle this on my own.

But I'm just too tired to do this alone. Besides I think I got dumped for good and need to find my own closure, well same as before. That's the worst thing man can do to me. No closure. They left without words or they just brushed it away when questioned about relationship, They left me with my own thoughts to figure out what the hell happened, wondering what the fuck is this relationship all about. Why do they have to be so selfish for sake of fucks and why can't they grow some balls to be truthful what exactly they want? If you want to have fucks just say it. Don't be such an asshole leading wrong assumptions or giving fake hopes and dreams. It's just cruel and cold. No matter how much you think you're a good person, leaving me hanging and ghosting like I have no soul, is just so cruel. Yes, I can move on but how can you heal the heart that longed and waited for an answer? Why did you do that?

Too much is playing in my head right now and I'm trying hard to divert my mind and keep myself busy even though I'm jobless. Huh! I feel like running away again, but I can't. :(