aftermath

Well..it’s been a week now. So what do you do when you were given a second chance of life to live as you wanted to? I’m still having a hangover over this divorce. Coincidently, it’s a week after ErraF get hers too. Walau pon mak tak de la nak pakai sepek hitam besor and mask but I can feel her. For whatever reasons marriage dissolution can be, the processes to go through it were hurtful for both as it involves looking back to love, trust and dreams once built crumbled. And especially when it involves children, a testament to those seeds you were once hoping to hold and strengthen the relationship till you grow old. Fate? I don’t know. I don’t really know what it is. What I’ve learnt is that it’s all about timing and effort. Having said all that, I’m glad that I finally get the divorce. Looking back through last few months ordeal, I finally can smile, breathe and have my sanity.

My only worry is my kids. Worry if they aren’t able to adapt with their new life without a mother to pamper them. Worry about having the thoughts that they will hate me for leaving them. Worry they are not independent enough to brace their school days and school issues and that they don’t have me to listen and talk about it.

Well after today’s day out with them, I realized that they all are doing just fine. They no longer seem tensed and reserved. Kakak sounds excited and smiling while telling stories about her school activities and her favorite Kpop group EXO. And I kept reminding her to focus on her studies and that those men in Kpop group were not my idea of a man should be coz I can differentiate if they were male or female. Pfffftt! And that she must not disclose private and sensitive information to stranger online and she definitely need to diet to build her self confidence. Nagging like a mother should be. And she goes… yeah yeah yeah mummy!

Abang was bubbly telling stories about him winning 1st place in merentas desa last week. And I went rubbing his head against my chest telling him how proud I was. I told him that he’s just like me because I was once a long distance runner but only managed to get 2nd place and that he’s much stronger than me. We were discussing about the breathing technique and how to sustain the momentum till finishing line. I was so happy for him but at same time holding my tears because I was not there to see him at the finishing line. I’ve never missed his sports day before because he always gets the 1st place.

Then I sent him to his guitar class and had a chat with his rocker teacher about his progress. He said he can play quite number of songs and he had good voice too. Well, it made my day. He has been in the class for a year now and with this rocker teacher for about 4 months. He requested to change to younger teacher as he said Mr Lim was a bit boring. So I requested to change to this rocker teacher and I can see drastic change in his motivation and the feel when he strummed his guitar. I always told him that with music you have to feeelllll…kena ada jiwa bang! You are using your whole brain to be one. Baru la abang feeelll and orang yang dengar tu feeelllll!! Paham?? Ye..paham mummy!… Ntah paham ke idok budak ni. Ishh.

I discontinued paying the Astro bill, kakak handphone bill and no longer need to pay for the groceries and food expenses. The guitar classes fee was the only fee that I agreed to continue paying. My ex is not paying for it because he said guitar classes were not a necessity. And fuck I won’t let him do that to my son. My son told me that it’s ok if he stopped the guitar class since dad is not going to pay for it. He was sad and holding his cry while saying it. I told him that it’s ok because I’m paying for it. He hugged me tight saying thank you. He loves playing guitar and I know he can play very well one day. I can’t wait to see that day.

My youngest daughter who is 6 years old was sitting on my lap and told me that next year she wanted to go school near the house area, because all her BFFs will be going to the same school. I was persuading her to stay with me next year so I can send her to a private school when she’s 7 years old.

Tak pe kan mami? Mami tak paksa adik kan? Ye takpe, adik sekolah mana yang adik suka..tapi kena jadi pelajar cemerlang okay! Okay mami and she smiled.

I guess, she has also adapted well to this life without me in her daily routines. I was happy because they are doing just fine now and happy with their life and that is good. But at same time I was sad inside because I realized that I will be living my life alone now. They no longer need me to be there with them daily, because they have overcome it.

I will only be a weekend mother who spent few hours with them over weekend or alternate weekend. And meanwhile I need to hold myself everyday from crying for missing them so much. Every time I saw kids walking or sitting near me in restaurant or public places I got drifted easily back to memories when I was with my kids. It touches me so much in the heart, because I have so much of a motherly love in me but I can no longer spill and share it out with my kids daily. I just want to kiss and hug them like I always did everyday for the last 15 years. And now it’s gone. I know I’m a good loving mother, and I’m just afraid if I’ll loose it and forgot how to be one someday.

I reckon and had to admit that this is what real sacrifice is. Leaving him and that house was the right thing to do. He no longer has me as his object to abuse and the kids no longer had to witness how their father treated their mother and be his alliance, without them noticing it. They are living in healthy environment without me around, I guess. The ex now is taking up his obligation to be a responsible father and of course pay for their expenses. That’s what a man should be doing after all. So I guess, that’s why the kids are happy because the father is playing his role as good father. I know he’s trying hard so that the kids will keep on staying with him instead of me. I’m fine because my main objective is for the kids to be happy. It’s not fair to push them to go through another change and pressure since they’ve already struggled and managed to go thorough it.

I realized it is me then who need to start making change and plan for my new life. I need to move to live this life again even if it has to be walking all alone. I guess it’s more on how to deal with the feeling of missing the kids and different kind of daily routines. At this moment, it’s a little bit unorganized and I like organized things, that is. 

Loneliness does hit me once in a while, especially when night comes and you’re sleeping all alone. I slept with kids besides me before and got dragged by him whenever he needs to have a fuck, that is. I used to have my daughter hugging me and me watching her while she’s falling asleep. And now that’s gone too.

I do get shivers when I’m in need of sex. It was rough all the times, and I’m relieved that I no longer need to go through those traumatic nights anymore. But I guess the body to some extend; do signal the brain to trigger those endorphins to be released based on the normal frequency you usually get. Feel like asking my lawyer Tuan Haji Suleiman Akhlaken to hand me back those fucking dildos he kept for evidence material, and so I did.

And Encik Man asked, you really want it back Marissa?

Jeeezz, I’m kidding la Encik Man, that’s my sufferings medium, of course not. You can hand it to the sex museum or make a keychain if you want. Hahahaha..I laughed cam tu. Haihh..mak pasrah je la, I got high just thinking about what DNV can do me and give me those multipleOs babeh! Mak tido gigit jari noks!!

I don’t disclose my divorce to just anybody. I’m a private person, ironically. Kalau ramai jantanss tau mak dah jadi janda hot..masakkk nokss!! Seriously I don’t really need those nuisances right now. And all they want is to just ‘fitting in’ to my ‘tight’ and vulnerable state? Dok gitu? Well, maybe not all..but that's the game by default. Kalau rezeki tak kan tolak kan bro?? Typical leteww..

Anywayss..I can and will get over it, now that I know I have him to be there when I’m in need. He’s almost my perfect match and I finally found him in my darkest sorrow of life and to be my light to see life and love beautifully again. The sad thing is, I’m still scared and traumatized to be in another commitment. 

I guess I’m too scared to get hurt again and be in another complicated life. But what’s life without complications. All I want really is to have the courage to say I-love-you again to a man that I know I can live life with and grow old gracefully together. Jiweng sehhh!!!

I guess, I just need some time to heal this heart and to be same person but with an upgraded version gituu.. I hope I turn out to be better person.