Metamorphosis

Over years, I have changed extensively, not something that was self initiated but I guess it worked its own way to what's happening inside and make me to what I am today. Naturally, I am a shy person. A person who would take longer route to avoid a crowd of guys coz I don't like attention and teasing. I blushed easily, even till today and my reply would be.. biasala..virgin kannn..and I know my reply sometimes would give a hard on to boys around me, but I just like doing that. I'm bad I know. 

When I got married to a man that is more than 10 years older than me, all I want is only to be a good wife and mother, as simple as that.

He is a perfectionist, so early years of marriage was a struggle. I got pregnant immediately after we got married and at same time pursuing my study and working at same time. He was working out of town for few months and it was a depressing period for me. I nearly put off my study as he always argue that I didn't perform my duty as his wife and I got the perception as if he was not supporting it. I paid all the fees anyway. But once I determined to call it off, he stopped me. Not so much that he care I guess. Knowing him, I think he knew that it would be an issue if my parents got to know it. He is someone who's ego is above all. His reputation is everything. In the eyes of others, he must be perceived as someone that is noble, knowledgeable, religious and respectable. He wouldn't want to be seem as not supporting my personal development. Well, no doubt the graduation day was the most satisfying and proud moment for him and my mother, though only God knows what I had to go through for that and I'm still thankful for whatever support he had given me. I mean, I can understand that it was my personal goal and that probably all the stresses all about. 

Well it all started one night, when we were having sex. He started to ask about my ex boyfriend. He did asked me  few times before that, like what did I do when I hangout with him, how was the foreplay like? What did I wear? Where did I do it? And I was very annoyed with all the questions. I mean, I'm already married to him, and I don't even have any thoughts about my ex, why do I need to tell all that to him. It's not important and it just didn't make sense to me that time. So he told me that I no need to worry that he'll be angry about it, but by sharing all that, it showed that I was being opened and trusted him. I was so confused at that time to understand, what the hell was going on in his mind. I mean logically, what's past is past. You know the fact, then you move on. It doesn't make sense for you to ask in details of it. I don't even remember what had happened between me and my ex boyfriend. How could you be in new life and referring to old life that you regretted many part of it.? So when he asked that, I can easily avoid and say - I tak ingat! Malas lah!

But when you're having sex, there's no escape. The need to recall and fuck and tell stories about the sexual activities you had with another person, it was fuckin pressuring okay. I know that there's no knife at my neck to force me to tell, but I have high empathy (which is my major weaknesses) and as a wife you will succumb to his needs when you see how your husband desperately need to know all that in order to perform and reach his climax. And once he got it, it was like indescribable happy feeling and he would praised me and kissed me all over and say how much he loved me and thanked me for sharing and you can see fireworks all over. So as a wife, that's a moment where you feel yourself complete, that you have performed your duty at the very best and you feel contented. And who wouldn't want that ?

So that's how it got started. And once the session was over, in which I was still confused what the hell had happened? That he got high listening how I have sex with others? Apa my body tak best or my pepet tak cukup ketat to satisfy him ke? I totally couldn't comprehend. Well, it doesn't stop there, all the praises were gone when morning comes. On the way to office next morning, it will be a post-mortem session for me. He would recalled back all the things that I've said when we were having sex. He told me how stupid I was to let my ex boyfriend used me - do laundry, money and etc and ditched my like shit. That he just used me and in the end he married someone who is nicer than me bla bla bla. And that I'm so lucky someone like him would still want to marry a low life person like me.blablabla. And I got shocked with the way he put it. I still couldn't comprehend what happened last nite and then I need accept all those things he said the next morning ? I just kept in silence I don't know what to say. It was hurtful the first time but it was more hurtful now, coz you begin to acknowledge it.

And so life after that was getting worst and worst. Stories from one boyfriend to another and when I'm out of boyfriend it would be any TomDick&Harry who fucked me. The story of my ex boyfriend no longer excites him as it has the love element and more of a decent session..citer budak hingusan. All he needs is one hardcore pure fuckin session with details of it. It's ok for me to fuck with others as long as I don't have any feeling for them. My feeling should also be with him, coz he is my husband.

When things got exaggerated and continually reminded, post-mortem sessions get more extensive. As the story was no longer with my ex-boyfriend, that's where the slut, free of charge, cheaper that a whore curses came into picture. When I told him all that all the stories were untrue and only my creation, he got so pissed off. It's like I had broke his imaginary screen in his head, and he would said that I'm too ashamed to admit it coz it's all true. And he would assure that when we have the next sex session. And I succumbed and forever be a liar to satisfy him.

And that kind of sex session becomes a cycle. It gets more and more extreme that I couldn't take it. Sometimes I bleed and cry at same time. Most of the times it will be few hours session. I submit to what he asked me to do, because he was so excited about it and I don't want to let him down. And I was so looking forward for him to say how good I was after that.

And that was when, your mind starts to think of how to release the pain. You know it's painful but at same time you kinda like it. So your mind tells the body to enjoy it. During the fucking session, I started to imagine how I always want it to be. The person in the stories and how they would do me. And that's exactly what he taught me. He wanted me to think of fucking someone else and he even wanted me to scream other person's name out loud. And I remember that's when I got my 1st orgasm which make me cried like a baby and it freaked him out as to why I suddenly cried. At that point of time I myself got confused what the heck did I cried for..and then it came to my sense..OooOOooo..that's what they called orgasm ke..mm best! best!

And that changed me too. I learned the trick. The hell with all his curses, I need to be selfish too. So every time we had sex, it's like payback time and there's only 1 thing that I looked  forward to that is having a multiple fucking orgasm. So when the objective changed, your motivation also changed. My stories were getting more sizzled, and he enjoyed it and I got what I want. But the thing is, when stories got more extreme, he wanted to do exactly the same like what your mind has put in. Some of the stories I made was driven by him. He would want to listen not to 1 but at least 3 man to fucked me at one time, utilizing all fucking holes and all other equipment. So if I put that in his mind, he wanted that for real. Crazy gilebabi!! It freaked me out sometimes when there was few times he said that he had arranged someone to pick me up to for a fuck session at a private house. I gave him few reasons to avoid it like I'm having period, late meeting etc. He even assure me that all of them are clean and that it would be something that he wanted most - to watch someone else fuck me in front of him, to see how I would react and my face of ecstasy..boleh? And when I rejected the offer, he would expressed how disappointed he was..."buat dengan orang lain boleh!! Nak sedap sorang-sorang! Bila I nak tengok, join sama tak nak!" Then he would persuaded for me to find the person that I'm comfortable with to have sex but with condition for him to watch. And the persuasion carries on till today. Fuck!

So over years, I'm so used to all that already. I can say I'm addicted to being high on orgasm..adakah terminology sebegitu..and he loves me for that, that he bought me many kind of dildo and enjoyed watching me playing with myself. Sometimes I thought I don't even need a man to satisfy me. Man can't be giving me multiple orgasms for a long period. But lucky you man, I still need a hot blooded cock to thrust inside me and do the last piece closure. 

Tolong jangan stim okay :D

Well that's how I got transformed over years I guess. I do not seduce man because I'm not the kind yg gedik-manje-miang type, but men seemed to find me very seductive. Not that I have big boobs, I mean I wish, but they find me hot and sexy, muka stim, muka cfm. milf..etc. It is something that I've never experienced during my teenage years. Tapi sebab tok guru dah ajar, what kind of men there are in this world, so I know what they want. Layan je la..my mind reads them well..just like a man...so they know who they are dealing with. I leave them whenever I want. Well..that's what a bitch does anyway.

I pray to find my way out, so I can be a good person again

** listening to High - James Blunt