Frankly, I don't know where to start. It's been ages since I came back to this lair and write again. The last time I revisited for a peek was last year, when I shared with D my posts. It wasn't part of my plan but I thought since we're starting a relationship, perhaps he should have some brief of what I had to go through in past.
It touched me that he cried and angry at same time on how I was treated and that this blog should be deleted (well, I didn't). Perhaps, he thought that what's in the past and should be forgotten. In way it's true, but that part of life has made me who I am today. It didn't define me but those journey taught me well. Through those suffering, a better, stronger and wiser me emerged. But that's not all, the most appreciating thing was, he didn't ask me in detail about it, though I think he might have some concerns or questions. I was so glad and relieved because I was afraid that I would need to justify my past doings to make him understand. You know, even remembering any part of it, is very excruciating for me. In fact, he reassured me that it was all in the past and that I should move on and think about my kids and make things better in life. I know all that, but I just need some validation to it and that's exactly what he gave me. I got different reaction when I shared with A and B, something that I didn't expect, but I'll talk about it some other times.
So I read back all my previous posts and it really gets into me. I was overwhelmed with those traumatic years, feeling angry, suffocated, sad and that nauseating sensation kicked in. I tried to skip some posts, because I ended up crying knowing the woman I was once before need to endure those repugnant years. It's like I'm looking from above to a clear vision of me wrapping my naked body, crying under the shower to hide out my tears. I can feel the sharp hurt in my heart all over again. You know, I realize I didn't write some of worst things that had happened to me just because I couldn't bare to even acknowledge that I let it happened and I don't think I ever wanna go there again. If only I can hypnotized myself and go to that specific storage in my brain and permanently delete it. Kann.. well.
It touched me that he cried and angry at same time on how I was treated and that this blog should be deleted (well, I didn't). Perhaps, he thought that what's in the past and should be forgotten. In way it's true, but that part of life has made me who I am today. It didn't define me but those journey taught me well. Through those suffering, a better, stronger and wiser me emerged. But that's not all, the most appreciating thing was, he didn't ask me in detail about it, though I think he might have some concerns or questions. I was so glad and relieved because I was afraid that I would need to justify my past doings to make him understand. You know, even remembering any part of it, is very excruciating for me. In fact, he reassured me that it was all in the past and that I should move on and think about my kids and make things better in life. I know all that, but I just need some validation to it and that's exactly what he gave me. I got different reaction when I shared with A and B, something that I didn't expect, but I'll talk about it some other times.
So I read back all my previous posts and it really gets into me. I was overwhelmed with those traumatic years, feeling angry, suffocated, sad and that nauseating sensation kicked in. I tried to skip some posts, because I ended up crying knowing the woman I was once before need to endure those repugnant years. It's like I'm looking from above to a clear vision of me wrapping my naked body, crying under the shower to hide out my tears. I can feel the sharp hurt in my heart all over again. You know, I realize I didn't write some of worst things that had happened to me just because I couldn't bare to even acknowledge that I let it happened and I don't think I ever wanna go there again. If only I can hypnotized myself and go to that specific storage in my brain and permanently delete it. Kann.. well.
So some part of it - the guilt, the stupidity and how worthless and disgusted I felt still resides deep inside. Once in awhile those feelings crept into me even after I have left him for 4 years and living on my own. In early years, I can't help it and I don't know how to suppress it. It just consumed me all over. There were nights that I had nightmares, crying and get into a depressed state because I didn't know how to handle the thoughts that keeps appearing in my head vividly. I wrapped myself so tight because I felt scared and insecure of what's going to happen to me and what I will become. I didn't talk to anyone, just keep it to myself because I can't be seen as vulnerable again and let people judge and take advantage of me. Not only that - I trust no one. It's just so difficult to let anyone near me. Even my closest friend didn't know this piece that I need to deal with. Nothing much she can do and it's a burden for her to know that she can't help much. I know I need to handle it on my own, whatever it takes for me to survive again. I just don't want anyone to see me in that condition. It's shameful to be seen out of control of your own emotion and I had enough to handle that time.
I remember there was one night, I was watching some movie with D on Neflix. Can't recall what was the whole story exactly, but some of the storyline hit that nerve inside me. Suddenly I feel like I can't breathe and feel like vomiting. I tried to hold until the story ended because I didn't want D to notice it. After it ended, I sat inside the toilet and cried quietly. I feel like shit! Shit I was so angry with myself that I can't hold that nerve. I thought I was over it, but apparently it didn't and that was last year. It's been awhile that I had that nauseate feeling and I kept wondering when will it go away and that I should avoid any potential triggers. It's so scary to feel as if you had some kind of mental illness.
I remember that happened many times during the first years with B. Every time after we had sex, I would cry and B would hugged me until I fall asleep. There were a lot of things that's going on my mind after sex. It was mixed feeling actually. I'm not sure how to describe it but perhaps the thoughts if B was having sex with me for who I was. Doubts kept playing in my head that maybe he was just using me for sex, just like what the ex kept on reminding me - men only go after your pussy, the rest are part of the game. And so it created confusion and I got scared, but then B would hugged and reassured me that he's with me and his reassurance made me feel safe again. He didn't ask why I cried and I didn't tell but I assume he probably have some sense of it. Well, after 4 years he never did ask anything that's going in my head and I'm well aware now why he never asked. Boy, what a sad story to an amazing mind.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I will get the trigger again. I really hope it will never ever come to haunt me again because the feeling was horrible.
So much to spill for a 4 years story right. Oh well, I have time now and I have reasons to write again. Nobody reads blogs now anyway. People are so consumed with FB, Twitter, Snapchat and IG and I'm just not into it.. old skool. Life is more real and peaceful! Yahooo!
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