runaway

I came back quite late last few days due to hectic work, so I didn't manage to pick up my daughter from her babysitter. So on my way back I bought food for dinner. Once reached home, I would prepare dinner for him and the kids..semua dah lapar. So while they were eating I took bath and once done I would clean up the table and was about to have mine when adik was nagging for my attention, asking me to sit with her and do coloring. So I entertained her coz I don't want her to cry. While coloring (perut lapar siott), abang pulak was nagging about his shoes yang dah koyak and that he needed it for his sukan and asked me to buy new pair. Not that he don't have another pair, but he was saying that that shoe's zap was no good and not suitable for running. So I told him to wait and tomorrow I will buy one since the sukan was on Saturday. And he kept on pushing telling that Friday will be the practice. And at same time my daughter who is only 4yo told me that she wanted to cuti, coz there will be no teacher on Friday. I was so tense having nak melayan them while I was so hungry and I scolded my daughter to not ever lie and say that she's not going to school. So she cried and at same time Abang started to sulk as I told him I'm not gonna buy him shoes that night.

An because I was so tired and tense and hungry and when he told me to quickly buy the shoes before shop closed. I was trying to pujuk my dotter and my son. So I asked him  - boleh tak u tolong beli kasut abang sekejap...adik ni nangis and I tak makan lagi ni..and for the record I didn't raise voice okeh..suara lebih kurang cam MayaKarin dalam Ombakwindu tuh hikss..

He was lying on bed and watching tv when suddenly he scolded me telling me that I was so inconsiderate because he was tired from work, having headache and how useless I was etc tak hengat la hakak... I told him I will buy later as I need to sleep adik first and afraid if the shoe shop was going to close. He was very angry saying bad things to me which I can't recall or perhaps don't want to recall. He suddenly got up from bed and started to take his clothes in the wardrobe and saying that he's going somewhere to sleep.. and I was like screaming yayy!! So he went out carrying his clothes. My son who watched that scene has a blank face expression. He looked sad. I was like so geram okay..aikk soh beli kasut sakit..tapi bila marah nak kuar boleh pulak..haihh..

I don't care really, I just continue sleeping my little princess while she's drinking her milk and menggentel me tits..muahaha..and I was thinking and planning..like fuck till when I'm gonna feel so guilty about everything, like I'm good for nothing. I told myself, that's it lah! I'm wanna be out from this kinda life. About half hour later, he's back. Aiseyyy man.. And by that time, lil princess already slept. And I told abang that we can go and buy shoes. He sounded as if he wanted to cry, but he's a son who's very sensitive of how I feel. So he kissed me on the cheek and said 'thank you mommy'.

So I drove that night cari kedai Bata. Luckily kedai tak tutup lagi. He choose the shoes he wanted and I paid for it. And I even bought the socks. He was so happy.

So the next day, once he's off to work, I packed my things and my lil princess. I send her to school and go to office as usual. I do not want to create tense to my kids. So in the evening, I text him saying that I'm going to stay at my mom's house. He asked why and I told him I don't think I can live with him any longer.

He immediately called me. "you kalau nak keluar dengan jantan u cakap je la..no need to give this kind of excuse.u nak I lafaz sekarang ke I boleh..u ingat I dayus ke?? u nak berambus pegi la..u ingat I gila sangat kat puki u tu..

I just kept quite..takde perasaan.. sedih ada la skit kot..dah biasa dah..and he off his phone.

So I went off to mom's house. My daughter was there already coz I picked her up after school and sent there. During the journey he kept on texting saying that he already told my mom how bad I've been like fucking around with guys and came back home late and he will be showing all the stories I wrote to him as evidence. Hah! I was like..how stupid of him. Those stories were his not mine. And my parents knew about it. I told him to just leave me, if I am no good. I want my happiness and he find his.

He said will be going to my mom's house and bring the kids and tell everything. I asked him why he needs to drag the kids into this. He said so that the kids know what's happening if we were to split. I told him that should be later. I don't want them to feel depressed from our argument. I know the reason why he wanted to bring the kids were as his weapon to persuade me and to also let them see how bad their mother is. How could he.

And mom called asking if I was having a fight. And I was so pening okay. I told her that I'm staying there and will be there shortly.

Later at night he came with my son asking my brother, mom and dad to be around coz he wanted to finalize and make decision on our marriage, he said. I was bz preparing milk for my daughter coz she wanted to sleep. And dad was still not back from surau. So he said he's going back and will come again tomorrow.

After a while my dad came back. So I told both of them that I wanted to file for a divorce. And from the process it looks easy and fast. Then my mon said - tak baik macam tu..tak kesian kat anak-anak ke? I told her that sebab kesian kat anak-anak la..I'm staying for so long. How much longer I need to stay ? Sapa nak kesian kat Marissa ? Mom said that she will bring both of us for counseling. I asked my mom. Counseling apa? Do you think counselor tu ada solution to this? Gosh! I just lost hope. And dad just kept quite. I was too tired mentally, so I just went to sleep. Sedih pon ada la..I felt so useless knowing that, after all these ordeal, even my mom can't see what I had to go through.

So the next day, it was abang's sukan day, so I went to his school to give support and after that I went back home to pick up my daughter's dress as there was a birthday party at my mom's house later. So I let my princess play with her toys while I took a nap in abang's room. While the kids were playing, he came into the room and started hugging and kissing me, asking me not to leave him. He said he loves me so much bla..bla bla..He then pulled down my jeans and open my shirt and start thrusting his cock inside me. I was like fuck la..what was he doing..after all these months he didn't get inside me coz I'm dirty-go-have-fuck-with-other-men, he fucked me hard. I was trying to push him coz I'm not ready to have sex. And he just love it when I'm struggling and pushing him, coz he said so. Technically, when you resist, opening kurang ye..so paham-paham ler..after months cikpap intact plus no opening memang le ketat..but it was painful for me and he said he's going to cum inside me. I told him no way!! I was so pissed that he's using that tactics to keep me. Once he's done I cleaned up and terus blah..back to mom's house. He said he will come later in the evening. I was feeling so fucked up okay driving back home lepas kena rogol.

He came and was being so nice to my nieces and brothers, having conversation like civilized person. And at end of the day, I packed my things and prepare to go back to him. My sister asked me dengan muka terkejut.. you going back to him ? I told her yes. She asked why and I told her where else can I go. It doesn't make any difference if I stay at mom's place, coz she won't be helping anyways. And I still have houses chores waiting for me to cleanup. I told her, if it's going to be another runaway, I won't be running back to mom's house. Sad

So I drove back home, feeling helpless. He said he will try to change and control his temper. Yeah I can see he is trying, though sometimes he forgot. He did belittle and insult me sometimes, but I was giving him another chance to fix it, again.

The thing is, I'm just too hurt, even if he tried and became good husband I'm not sure if I can love him, the way all wife should be loving their husband. Seriously, itu love sudah lama tiada..but of coz..responsibility they said..to make them happy. Some even said..tak love apa nya..anak dah 2-3 orang. Stupid asshole!! Ko ingat dalam lubang tu ada love button ke?? Sekali kena inject terus berbunga cinta. Bodoh!!

So, cam tulah ye.. back to normal. Hoping things get better. Mungkin jodoh ni masih panjang, and this test is an advance level..ntah la..banyak sangat alasan I'm using to pujuk hati sendiri.

Puasa is coming and I just can't wait for it to cleanse my dirty soul.

Kita layan lagu Runaway Train - Soul Asylum okeh!