linger

In sleepless night like this, it's the only period I can have time on my own. Sounds like almost sanctuary to me! Hah! Kesian..Anyways I'm taking a day off tomorrow, so I reckon it's ok to stay up a bit late doing my own things i.e watch my fav tv series while drinking coffee, surfing net since I no longer have time to browse during office hour, eat chocolates (caramel choc is my top list now). Baju skola untuk stok 3 hari sumer dah gosok, baju dah lipat, rumah dah kemas, keta dah basuh, mop2 kita akan outsource bibik datang next week to clean the house. Anak-anak dah potong kuku, potong rambut, beli hadiah hari guru, jalan-jalan and for him pon dah servis baekk punya..stok weekend siap ada promotion lagi - 2 intercourse get 1 bj giteww..hah! 

Di malam yang hening ini, aku tertanya-tanya di manakah silapnya perjalanan hidup ini. Oh! Adakah benar ianya suatu kesilapan atau adakah ianya suatu ketentuan? Dan apakah jika ianya suatu ketentuan dalam satu perjalanan hidup, adakah aku berhak untuk menzahirkannya sebagai suatu kesilapan? Paham?? Hehe

Even though I can't have my bags or drawer organized for more than 2 days, I'm someone who are good in organizing and planning things and making it happened. In my entire life, I've seen and witnessed things that I planned or said came true. When I was in college out of fun (I can't recall the exact reason), I've charted path of my own life on piece of white paper and paste it on the wall. The route started from college time till I'm old. It was funny at that time, me and my friends laugh guling-guling about it. 

I can't recall all but one item that I remember most was that I wrote down that I'm gonna get married to man that >10 years older than me. And that exactly what I got now. That time I always felt that men my age were selfish, immature, lack of wisdom and vain nak mampos! There's nothing much I can learn from them or woe them for, except for their ability to play their acoustic guitar singing numbers from PJ or Nirvana or Greenday or Sejatii...itu yang kau ucapkan..greng greng anddd... for their hard coded joystick loaded with testosterone waiting to get erupted. Well, that was my perceptions based on my frame of experience at that time and it may not be all true, I guess. Maybe like 98% true? Haha. 

I can't really define what man have up in their dickhead. Maybe I came from all girls school and I was brought up by my mom. So I was looking for a father figure who perhaps can lead and understand me. Like fuck I tell you I was so stewpid!!

Anyways, among some of other things that I dream of in details was my career. Maybe the need at that time was to help my mom who's struggling on her own to bring up her kids so getting married wasn't part of my main to do list. I was ambitious and I detailed out and dream of how I was going to make it big in the corporate world. And so it happened. I bought my car and house for my mom and I went to work by bus and staying at my rich untie house to get free accommodation and food. Those that got in my way, I cursed them to no longer exist. And so it did happened too. Well technically, the company was absorbed into a bigger company and so the name vanished from the stock exchange.

I planned and dreamed about things I wanted in life except my marriage. I only drafted that I'm gonna married to a man that is >10 years older than me just because I want a man than is cleverer than me and more dominant. I never did think of love, or how my wedding should be, what kind of life we should have as husband and wife, as parents or marriage agreements. I did not! More than 10 years older than me was a preset criteria that I assumed came with love package and all, though at that time I was going out with some seniors that's only a year or 2 older than me. 

And what I said and had in mind work through it. And when I came to think of it, I felt so stewwpid okeh. How could I missed that. Marriage is one of the vital event in ones life as it is a subset of a new beginnings. Orang nak kawin plan kaw-kaw punya..and I even forgot to buy shoes for my wedding day. Maybe my parent was so busy to explain to me about men and how cunning they can be and I was being so naive to believe that men were breathing teddy bears, and got lost in many castles that never were. But I don't blame them coz the best lesson in life is to learn it through pain. 

And that's why I'm gonna equip my kids with that knowledge, because the challenge now days are so much different - ayat-ayat sangatlah acidic and tricks pon sudah hupgrade; to my dotter to remember that cunningness can lead to cunnalingus and to my son - no matter how objective he can be, never to put aside humility and respect to woman. I hope I can guide and be a good mother. 

Anywayss...I guess it's not too late to dream of a happy ending life since I have such powerful powderful mind..dok gitu ??

And yes..what should I dream off now? A husband that bow to my needs and knee?? I mean I can but giler ke?? Kena laknat pantat neraka weihhh!!!

Seriously, I don't know what I should be dreaming. I can't say to have a husband to love me the way I am because I have changed. I was far more better last time than I am now. I mean last time I was stupid and naive..now I'm even more stupid. I know I'm a good fucker, even the guys can sense that I am a hard coded fucker..but it didn't mean anything if there's no feeling attached to it. Sounds cliche but it's true. I can have good fucks for all I care..but to have them regard you as a rubber duck or sweet potato holes left you emptied and lost in middle of the nights. Every fuck should bond, it should have class of its own, else it's just like peeing or shitting.

I guess everyone want to have someone worth to grow old together. And I guess I should be dreaming of 'you'? 

Bye for now..

 **Listening to Cranberries Linger