v e r t i g o

Sorry to have kept you guys waiting. June was crazy month where people also go nuts coz it's a half year end. Since I came back from hols cuti skola hari tu, my schedules been so tight with back to back calls, reports, escalations, semua nak kejar numbers babeh..tapi dalam kegilaan itew..hakak masih lagi maintain rock..kalau nak layan orang Singapore or Thailand ni..we will loose our own identity beb. Tu tak masuk lagi yang hakak ni feveret boss..sumer benda he wants me to do..projects, committee advisor, melayan visitor2 dari Urop and US..wa chill aje..walau pun giler exhausted..coz at the end of the day..I know the only merits is my performance..so I will be commensurate..I hope..

Dalam bulan June yang sebok ni gak la..HR ni pi anto wa pi training 2 hari kat Marina Bay Sands (oh-I-wish)..best gak la sebab can get away from work awhile..makan sodap. Interesting topics, it's a about how we deal with diversity and different cultures..sebab kerja wa memang deal ngan counterparts dari pelbagai negara..gay, lesbo, transvestites..bagai..

Anyways..I memang la kerinduan untuk menulis..hiks..and I do miss you guys too :)

What I wanna hupdate, basically was about my previous post..ala pasal feverat mug tu..thanks for all the kind words..I felt so much loved gitew.

So bertitik tolak dari cuti skolah hari tu, as usual I will play my part as a good wife and mother. We went back to his parents house which is near to beach. The kids love the beach so much and so do I. Main laut dari pagi sampai tengahari..sampai sunburn.. tapi hakak biasala..dok bawah pokok ru..dengan sepek itam and payung..vogue camtu..panas..but I so loveee the beach. It calms me. Well, we were having our happy moments that time..and I tend to forget about everything. But I can't stopped thinking at back of my mind, will this be the last time I'm here with my parents in law? They are such nice persons. 

But anyways, for him my decision to follow him back seems to be his victory. Of course sorry-sory-naik-lorry tu..jangan harap la. So for him, things were back to usual. He will talk to me like nothing had happened, bergurau senda secara manja dan lucah like all hubs&wife do. And for me, I layan je..coz he needs me..but I'm hurt inside.

Came back from hols, where things back to usual stuff - school started, work and all. I carry on life as usual too, because everybody needs me - him, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my stuff, my colleague, jantan-jantan kegersangan. But deep down I was so depressed. I just need someone to talk to. Enough of someone, who just want to be a listener. I just want someone to listen and just drag me  out of this mess, coz I can't and I don't know how. I just felt that I'm gonna loose my mind if I continue living in this way. Like fuck I know..it's my life..no one will do that for me anyways.

So I called my mom, but I don't have the heart to say a word about it. Since the last time I run away and back to him again, her expectation is that everything from thereon is fine. Single mom will create fitnah and I should start wearing tudung and I should obey to my husband. That's all her points. Totally opposite to her points when she first heard about my confessions. So I halt my plan to talk to her about it. Fine.

So I called my dad, my stepdad actually. He is a wise man. So I told him. I felt so comfortable talking to him. He was shocked and said that was not tolerable and sick as it's an act of a perverted person. I told him I need him to help me to find my way out and I want to do it nicely not to put him to shame in eyes of my parents and his. I tolerated for so many years because my kids were still small and I think by now they are already grown up and able to understand. And I told him that the challenge would be that he will not let me go, and probably will be furious and will use the kids to back him up. Just like last time. So my dad said that he will talk to right person as it should be a discreet discussion as well as the best options on how to manage it. He said there will be no easy out and that I need to do it by myself. *Sigh..lemah la!! 

So up till now, I'm not sure if my dad is working on it or not. No updates from him yet. Ntah la. 

My vertigo is back..and it gets intense sometimes that I felt like vomiting. And I've been having weird dreams lately, maybe due to my unstable state of mine. And I had my sis called me to ask if I'm ok, coz she said she dreamed terrible things about me. Scary!

Ntah la. So far I'm on psychological war with him. I tend to avoid having sex with him. It scares me now. Forget about those dildos, they no longer excites me. Coz I know he only used that to excite him and in the end I suffered like shit!! The last time, once done I vomited thinking about the act he done on me. And I can't bare to think about it anymore. 

For now, I'm on my last button, patience. Hoping that God will lead my heart to act the right thing at right time.

Ntah la..mak dah ponat la dik oiii!!

My Thailand staff gives me this..katanya "Relief of Vertigo" walaupun memang tak vogue to have it stick up into your nasal.. tapi perghhh nyaman sehh!!! Tapi wa tak la sumbat di khalayak orang ramai..giler huduh okeh orang pompuan buat cegitu...

Of late, hakak depressed dengar lagu *Selimut Hati - Dewa..oh I wish I have this kinda man..haha..dream on la Marissa ooiii!!!